topic Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ... in Relationships and Money

Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

BullsEye10 — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:25:31 GMT

Well, I am looking for validation today.

A little background.

I am 38 years old and I am 8 years older than my wife

I spent over 10 years living alone and answering to no one before my now wife and I moved in together 2 years ago.

We have been married now for almost a year, and have combined finances at her insistence. I was comfortable keeping everything separate and was resistant, but gave in ... kind of. I maintained a money market account that she does not know about, and I occasionally replenish it with monies I make as a contractor. The money is used for things I would rather not have to explain ... casinos, gentleman's clubs, etc. Keep in mind I make more than enough money so that these small amounts (no more than 6-7K in the account at any one time) do not remotely effect her quality of life or our future.

My question is, does anyone out there have a credit card that their spouse does not know about? I am thinking of getting a new card and having the bills sent to my office. I am pretty sure I am going to do it, just wanted to know I was not alone in wanting to maintain some sort of independence.

Thanks

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

webhopper — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:32:56 GMT

I just dont think that this is good. I think you should tell your wife that you have a so called "mad money" account. If she is secure within herself she should be ok with that.

If you want to get a credit card for guy stuff, you should tell her that you're going to get one, for guy stuff. Again, if she is secure within herself she should be ok with that.

Financial infidelity is bad business. You are setting your marriage up for failure if you try to live a secret financial life on the side.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/moneywisewomen/2012/04/25/financial-infidelity-between-couples-as-damaging-as-sexual-infidelity/

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

MJC0026 — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:40:12 GMT

BullsEye10 wrote:
Well, I am looking for validation today.

A little background.

I am 38 years old and I am 8 years older than my wife

I spent over 10 years living alone and answering to no one before my now wife and I moved in together 2 years ago.

We have been married now for almost a year, and have combined finances at her insistence. I was comfortable keeping everything separate and was resistant, but gave in ... kind of. I maintained a money market account that she does not know about, and I occasionally replenish it with monies I make as a contractor. The money is used for things I would rather not have to explain ... casinos, gentleman's clubs, etc. Keep in mind I make more than enough money so that these small amounts (no more than 6-7K in the account at any one time) do not remotely effect her quality of life or our future.

My question is, does anyone out there have a credit card that their spouse does not know about? I am thinking of getting a new card and having the bills sent to my office. I am pretty sure I am going to do it, just wanted to know I was not alone in wanting to maintain some sort of independence.

Thanks

LMBO... I am a wife and if I found out that my spouse did this I would question more than finical infidelity. Honestly women are wise and what is done is the dark always comes to the light. I think you should have your independence we all should; but when you are married you give up some of that and you should always be honest with your spouse. HONESTY is the best policy and builds a strong healthy and happy marriage. Remember: A Happy & Informed wife makes a Happy HOME!!!

I would not say you are a bad person at all, I think you are trying to find independence in a situation that is not suppose to be independent. I would say talk to your wife, let her know you have a mad money account, suggest she get a mad money account for herself, and request a card for yourself. Also, one last thought....what would you do if your wife was writing your note? How would you feel if you found out on the tail end? Just something to make you say HMMMMMM..

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

webhopper — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:40:31 GMT

I don't really think marriage is about "answering to each other"

I think its about a partnership where both parties get to have a say in deciding a course of action. My husband thinks I am just great at handling finances, but when It comes to a financial strategy, we always talk about the strategy... Usually it involves me coming up with several options and my husband and I talk about the options.

My husband has a lot of common sense and sometimes he sees beyond the numbers to how these things will affect our daily lives good or bad. A lot of times I focus in on just the numbers without considering the impact of each course of action on our gains in financial momentum and/or emotional financial peace.

We have a lot of momentum going right now, as far as building real wealth, and paying off bills. We both want to get to a place where we have no bills except for the mortgage. so basically, every major financial decision (I catagorize this as every transaction involving more than $1,500), gets discussed.

We dont sweat the small stuff, other than deciding that we will only eat out once per month and we combine our errands into one trip to save gas... but we plan the major moves, sort of like a big chess game of life :).

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

drkaje — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:53:02 GMT

Being more honest with yourself, from the start, would have prevented this confusion. That way, when she insisted on combining finances you could have have said "No, that's not in my comfort level" and been done with it.

The "Mad money" account isn't the problem. The problem is doing something wrong (for you) just to ~~shut up~~ make another person happy.

The world doesn't come to an end if you say no. It's just more important to be honest from the start and make sure both people have the same values, or that whoever we're with can live with our crazy, LOL!

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

lithium78 — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:54:48 GMT

My DW and I pretty much have separate finances, but we have a joint checking account into which we each transfer funds for joint bills. In addition to our personal savings accounts, we also have a joint savings account for future shared financial goals at a local credit union. We have no joint credit cards. This way, we each have financial independence but we also take care of our shared financial responsibilities.

A marital relationship requires a lot of honesty and a lot of trust if it's going to last. Sneaking around setting up secret bank accounts and credit card accounts to do things without your wife knowing is just asking for major issues in your marriage. Imagine if she found out. She'd wonder what else you haven't been telling her about. If there are activities you want to participate in that your wife doesn't like, you should tell her about them anyway. If she trusts you, she will be able to accept it. But being secretive is a recipe for disaster.

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

webhopper — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:55:08 GMT

To paraphrase drkaje in a more readable font:

The "Mad money" account isn't the problem. The problem is doing something wrong (for you) just to ~~shut up~~ make another person happy.

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

drkaje — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:56:47 GMT

I'll play devil's advocate: Would it be OK if your wife did the same thing?

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

drkaje — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:57:50 GMT

@ wh,

I'm dyslexic and that font is easier to read, LOL!

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

BullsEye10 — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 15:05:44 GMT

WebHopper, I wish it was that easy, but it wouldn't have been. I was never happy about combining, but I felt there was no compromise to be had, as she felt so strongly that my refusing to combine meant that I was not sure about marrying her. Simply saying its not in my confort level would not have resolved the question, it would be hanging over our heads for the next 50 years. It just seemed a lot easier to agree to share the checking account when I knew that I had the money market account that would stay mine.

And while I was certainly sure about her (and still am, maybe even more so), and love our life together, I have always been sort of a loner (a few close friends, but I am happiest alone) and sometimes I really misses the days when I lived alone and answered to no one. I think that is what the account and possible new credit card are about.

As a side note, and this isn't truly relevant, this account is also what I draw from for her presents (designer bags, jewelry, iPad, etc.).

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

drkaje — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 15:08:34 GMT

Lying leads to more lies.

The hard thing is usually what's actually right in these circumstance.

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Smug — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 15:16:07 GMT

As a woman I have to say that is definitely a bad idea. the problem is if she ever finds out about any of these accounts she will think its worse than it really is, and that there is so much more to it. You are just starting a life... Don't started it with deceit!

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

webhopper — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 15:17:11 GMT

I really feel you should come clean about having the account, if she's not ok with that then you guys should talk to a therapist. I think there is nothing wrong with you having your own account and being able to spend from it without being accountable for that portion of your spending. But I really think that honesty and communication goes a long way towards making everyone comfortable in the relationship.

The issue about her being so adamant about combing finances is a red flag that she is feeling insecure about relationships... somehow she equates being financially combined with being emotionally and spiritually combined.

As an aside, how old are you and your wife? It may be that she is just a little bit emotionally immature or that she has a set of expectations about marriage which contradict yours.

Expectations about marriage are also bad! Sometimes honesty is about managing expectations so that neither side is hurt when the other side fails to live up to them.

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

drkaje — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 15:26:59 GMT

Coming clean about combining finances is the place to start. The hidden account means nothing.

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

navigatethis12 — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 15:33:30 GMT

I am only twenty one and have mostly no experience with relationships but I will give an opinion anyway. I do not see a reason for a spouse to know about the money of their spouse. In my opinion money should always be kept seperate anyway, no matter how long you have been together. If the credit card is for you and you only I see no reason why your wife should be notified of its existence.

If I ever get married I would not care if he had accounts I did not know about and I later found out. I know marriage is supposed to be a union but I just do not see a reason to merge finances. Maybe one or two joint accounts, but most of the money should be kept seperate.

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

HenryJumbo — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 15:42:32 GMT

Under those circumstances I would have personally never gotten married. Also you messed up by letting her talk you into joining accounts. You can be married and have two different financial accounts, credit cards, etc. That doesn’t mean you won’t support her or help her with bills, etc. It just means you want to manager your own cash. I feel now you are resenting the fact that you weren’t man enough to tell your wife what YOU WANT (another reason not to marry when you can’t even tell the person what you want).

And by the sounds of things I bet you didn’t sign a prenup?

There’s no law that states you MUST join accounts, etc when you get married. Trust me when you get divorce she’ll have total access to all your monies.

In life you do one or the other, you either get married or have children.

What you’re doing is childish to say the least. It’s pretty much pointless now to start hiding stuff because you could have easily avoided all this by saying “no” to her when she asked you to join accounts.

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

webhopper — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 15:55:36 GMT

navigatethis12 wrote:
I am only twenty one and have mostly no experience with relationships but I will give an opinion anyway. I do not see a reason for a spouse to know about the money of their spouse. In my opinion money should always be kept seperate anyway, no matter how long you have been together. If the credit card is for you and you only I see no reason why your wife should be notified of its existence.

If I ever get married I would not care if he had accounts I did not know about and I later found out. I know marriage is supposed to be a union but I just do not see a reason to merge finances. Maybe one or two joint accounts, but most of the money should be kept seperate.

Hopefully you find a potential spouse who feels the same way!

Let me ask you this, lets say your wife becomes pregnant and has to miss work for 2 months or more due to the baby... Would you be ok with letting your wife be poor and have no money even though she's producing that baby for the both of you?

In my situation, I'm the female, and all the bills are in my name, except for the cell phone bill... Does that mean that my paycheck goes towards bills and his paycheck is his to spend how he wants?

the way we work around this issue, my husband and I, is that we each kept our own account that we had before marriage. I added him as joint on mine, he added me as joint on his as more of a courtesy to each other. We both carry an amex. We can each spend whatever we need to on a day to day basis. We talk about larger purchases which aren't "necessities"

I use both his and my accounts to pay bills with. he's happy as long as the bills get paid and he doesn't have to worry about them, nor does he have to do without anything. Im happy because I know the bills get paid and that he's not going to blow cash without discussing it with me.

Its easy for people to be very selfish with their funds. I think the concept of having shared funds comes from a feeling of wanting to take care of each other. Obviously I want my husband to be able to buy gas and food. He works in Arkansas and his schedule is 4 days on, 4 days off. Our home is in Oklahoma, and my schedule is 5 days a week M-F.

We recently decided that he will go to school using his VA benefit. We've made a plan to budget our money more effectively to make up for the loss of part of his normal income as he moves from full time to part time employment.

In the long run, his degree will benefit us both. In the short term, we have to continue to support each other and don't let the other falter out of our own selfishness.

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Cellice — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 16:08:43 GMT

webhopper wrote:
navigatethis12 wrote:
I am only twenty one and have mostly no experience with relationships but I will give an opinion anyway. I do not see a reason for a spouse to know about the money of their spouse. In my opinion money should always be kept seperate anyway, no matter how long you have been together. If the credit card is for you and you only I see no reason why your wife should be notified of its existence.

If I ever get married I would not care if he had accounts I did not know about and I later found out. I know marriage is supposed to be a union but I just do not see a reason to merge finances. Maybe one or two joint accounts, but most of the money should be kept seperate.
Hopefully you find a potential spouse who feels the same way!
Let me ask you this, lets say your wife becomes pregnant and has to miss work for 2 months or more due to the baby... Would you be ok with letting your wife be poor and have no money even though she's producing that baby for the both of you?

In my situation, I'm the female, and all the bills are in my name, except for the cell phone bill... Does that mean that my paycheck goes towards bills and his paycheck is his to spend how he wants?

the way we work around this issue, my husband and I, is that we each kept our own account that we had before marriage. I added him as joint on mine, he added me as joint on his as more of a courtesy to each other. We both carry an amex. We can each spend whatever we need to on a day to day basis. We talk about larger purchases which aren't "necessities"

I use both his and my accounts to pay bills with.   he's happy as long as the bills get paid and he doesn't have to worry about them, nor does he have to do without anything. Im happy because I know the bills get paid and that he's not going to blow cash without discussing it with me.

Its easy for people to be very selfish with their funds. I think the concept of having shared funds comes from a feeling of wanting to take care of each other. Obviously I want my husband to be able to buy gas and food. He works in Arkansas and his schedule is 4 days on, 4 days off. Our home is in Oklahoma, and my schedule is 5 days a week M-F.

We recently decided that he will go to school using his VA benefit.   We've made a plan to budget our money more effectively to make up for the loss of part of his normal income as he moves from full time to part time employment.

In the long run, his degree will benefit us both.   In the short term, we have to continue to support each other and don't let the other falter out of our own selfishness.

I'm sorry but that is such an assine response. He never said he wont support his pregnant wife. Such an over dramatic response...

I do agree that finances should be kept seperate. However, a joint household account should be established for joint bills such as morgage, utilities, cable, cellphone etc.

You can continue to have your own account for your own expenses. However, it does not mean those accounts are hidden. You should be able to trust each other to see each others finances.

While I hope every marriage lasts forever they simply dont. A messy divorce can ruin you financially. If you only make 20K/year and your spouse makes 120k/year and you are both on the morgage of your 500k home and you decide to get divorced you will not be able to keep up the morgage if the other decides to stop paying because they are mad at you. This will ruin you financially. Your spouse might not care about the credit hit because honestly it is easier to dig yourself out of a hole with 120K than it is with 20K.

Finally, I do think it makes you a bad person when you have agreed to joint finances and your hiding money to go to strip clubs and gamble. That is just disgusting. You violate any trust she has given you. You should not be married if you cannot be upfront and honest with your spouse.

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Crashem — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 16:12:53 GMT

Haahaa the OP getting a ear full. Run Dude Run!!

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

mfoxxx — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 16:14:48 GMT

Well, you have to decide, what are the risk?? If your wife finds out, are you prepared to deal with the outcomes of your decisions? Also, look at it from her perspective if the situation were reversed. You always have to weigh the outcomes and consequences. Give your wife more credit than what you are giving her, allow her to make an informed decision based on you being open with her. Heck I have friends that go to the clubs with their spouses, however, again both people were allowed the make the choice. Again, every action has re-actions and consequences. You have to determine what that may look like for you.