topic Re: Am I in the Wrong Here? in Relationships and Money

Am I in the Wrong Here?

803scdantes — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 15:33:49 GMT

I'm trying to see if I'm in the wrong here. My wife gets $500 a month in spending money. We both work. She spent all her spending money within 5 days of getting it. Now, she wants an advance so she could get her hair done. Below is a gchat conversation we just had. She's got me so upset about the entire thing, I'm wondering if I'm in the wrong here. I've edited out the names and some of the poor language I chose to use.

me: your friend cashed the 200 check

wife: o

friend

I wouldn't call her that

me: and no more spending going out to eat and whatnot

wife: um

gotta buy thanksgiving food

for dorothy's

me: well thats it

wife: ok

me: gotta make this moeny last till dec 1

wife: oh crap

me: and we only have 350 left

wife: no

my hair

me: uh should've thought abt that before

wife: no

me: yes

wife: you heard me say

you're not doing this to me

me: and you heard me say to use ur spending money

wife: you heard me say it

me: but instead, you chose to spend it on clothes

wife: and I told you I didn't have enough

me: except you did

you had 300

wife: no

me: and you spent it all

so whats that got to do with me

wife: it will be 2 days before the first

me: you cant manage your money

wife: I can't go after

me: god help ------ and the baby if i die

wife: it's only appt she has for decemebr

me: you'll spend the entire million in a month and then ask for an advance the next day

wife: no

whatever

when I was working 3 days a week for 20 hours

me: the 500 is supposed to last you for 30 days

wife: I was supposed to get 500

spending

now I work 5 days

we should have more money

and have benefits

me: oh, so you're planning on not having a child in march then?

because last i checked, our financial picture changed pretty dramatically when you got pregnant

wife: excuse me

well whatever I mean this is stupid

two days before the 1st

me: instead of having extra money, we have to save extra money for the baby

u dont get spending mony on the first

wife: well you can't get your playstation

me: you get spending money on the 15th

so its acually 17 days before you're supposed to get it

wife: you said we had no money until the first

me: yes no money for groceries and going out to eat

not [your] spending money

you get 500 every month on the 15th

it is now the 21st and you've spent it all and you're complaining about it

wife: i told you I needed to advance it

you heard me say it

the girl here ruined my hair

me: so if you want an advance for the next year, i guess i have to give it to you because you said it

wife: I didn't advance this past month

so don't act like I do it every month

me: u knew you had to get ur hair done

and then you still spent all ur money

how much sense does that make?

i mean seriously

wife: I just ran across some really good sales for ------- and the baby

who both need clothes for next year

me: well part of managing money is prioritizing it

and clearly your priorities were clothes and not hair

except now, you're trying to get around it by basically using our savings to fuel your spending addiction

wife: no

I only get my hair done every month

or supposed to

except the girl here messed it up

that's not my fault

every other month

me: whats that got to do with the 500 in spending you had

that you spent in 6 days

wife: the stupid picture

me: well nobody forced you to buy it

i mean you chose to spend all ur money and its like ur acting like its not ur fault

my job is to make sure we have food for --------- and can pay the bills

and every time i turn around, you're wasting 500 dollars a month on nothing and wanting advances for the next month

wife: it's not nothing

it's clothes for ------

and the baby

who has none

me: well the baby isnt here yet so

wife: so

clothes are expensive

you have to buy when there are sales

me: ok so thats the choice you made

wife: like the clearance one

me: so why are you trying to create more money to get both clothes adn ur hair done

wife: Look..I just wanted to get my hair done before the big play thing at church and before christmas and --------- has no more appts

because she's booked solic

solid

me: again, you knew u wanted to get ur hair done on nov 15 when you had 500 dollars

its like me knowing we have 1000 dollars to pay the rent, but choosing to waste it all on baby furniture and then complaining that we dont have enought moeny to pay rent

wife: oh my gosh

do you love lecturing me

me: no, but this happens every month

wife: I make the money too

I don't deserve this

it iddn't happen last month

me: yes money that we're supposed to be saving so we can afford to have a baby

which, apparently you think is less important than managing your money like an adult

i mean we're just now getting our finances straight and trying to plan to have a baby is impossible when one person only cares about spending every dime she gets

wife: ----------

seriously

stop acting like you never heard me say I needed to advance the money

and you acted like whatever about it

now you wanna be a drama queen

me: no, i said u should plan your money out

u had plenty of money to get ur hair done

wife: no

me: nodoby forced you to buy clothes for a baby we dont even have yet

wife: I had already ordered items from ----------

that I had to pay for

me: yes

wife: that she was holding

me: and then, after i told you you had 85 dollars left, you proceeded to waste all that too

knowing you had to get ur hair done

which i said you should save it for

later the same day, you spend it all

i mean what do you want out of me

wife: for baby stuff

me: so what

wife: which I would have to buy anyways

it was HUGE sale

one of each item

me: i dont care if you spent it on an Ipad gift for me

it doesnt matter what u spent it on, it's gone

wife: this should be joint

me: Wells Fargo doesnt ask you what you spent it on and then give you extra money if its something you like

wife: if you wanted to advance yourself money..would you be lecturing

you would do it

I make money to

me: except there is no money to advance because you spend it all the time

wife: I'm tired of being treated like a dog

me: you go out to eat constantly

while i eat peanut butter sandwiches

wife: you stole my TWG paycheck

that was my extra money

me: no it wasnt extra

it was spent on going out to eat

wife: you said when I worked extra for them..I could keep it

but yet you took it

me: i never said that

wife: yes you did

me: whatever

dream on

wife: I said "If I make over my 32 hours like working at TWG..can I keep it"

you said yes

me: you spend every penny you get

and now you want more to spend

i dont think so

we have to save up to have a child

yuou dont have paid leave

and all u care about is wasting more money every month

wife: well I'm just gonna force myself to go back to work eaqrly

early

me: you waste money on clothes

when you need ur hair done

wife: clothes for the babies

me: then, when you spend all ur money, you want more

wife: not me

me: i dont care if it was for poor chidlen in africa

its gone

u spent 500 dollars in 6 days

wife: no

[Picture purchase] was set up beforehand

so was erin

me: well ur right, you spent it in 5 days because u spent it all by yesterday

wife: so don't act like I freshly spent it

me: well that was something you knew you were spending

and now ur acting like you deserve extra because you stupidly decided to write checks for 400 dollars for a picture

Sent at 9:35 AM on Wednesday

me: I DEMAND AN ADVANCE OF 2000 FOR MY SPENDING MONEY FOR THE YEAR. SINCE I SAID IT, IT IS NOW FACT AND I NEED IT

THEREFORE, I WILL NOW USE MY 2000 TO BUY WHATEVER I WANT

AND THEN NEXT MONTH, I WILL DEMAND ANOTHER ADVANCE BECAUSE YOU KNEW I WAS ADVANCING MYSELF MONEY THIS MONTH

AND SINCE I SAID IT, IT IS TRUE

wife: oh no worries

me: AND SINCE YOU KNEW I WAS ADVANCING MYSELF MONEY THIS MONTH AND NEXT MONTH

IT IS TRUE

wife: TWG won't pay me direct deposit anymore

I'm calling to set that up

so you can't touch it

me: uh ok

then no more spending money

wife: screw you

me: u can just keep twg paychecks

wife: you steal from me

me: you steal from me

wife: and I"m sick of it

me: i get jack s*** spending money

wife: who cares

me: and you b**** and complain about 500 not being enough

wife: I buy stuff for the children

you don't

me: so you can complain to someone who gives a d***

yes, and then once you spend it all on them, you demand more so you can spend it on urself

wife: you are a dictator

a control freak

me: no im like someone who understands MATH

wife: a sick man

me: which apparently you dont

wife: who lieks to dominate

and control

have fun with yoursister tomorrow

because ---------- and I aren't going

me: im more than happy to call someone, anyone, and ask for their opinion on it

wife: we will go see my family

me: great

ill be more than happy to explain the situation

wife: not thankful for you

me: im sure there will be a lot of people crying tears of sympathy for you

wife: so not spending the day with you

so I can be miserable

me: how dare you not give ---------- more money after she spent 500 in 5 days

what kind of monster could do that

adolf hitler never did anything so vile

wife: the problem is you heard me say I had to advance it

and acted fine

now you wanna act crazy

that's what is sick

me: stalin never did anything like this

wife: you're being dramatic

when you were fine with it

me: only a demented crazy person wouldnt give someone more money when they already spent all theirs

wife: on sunday

that's what makes this bad

YOU

acting like it's fine

then dramatizing it

which is what you always do

me: sure, the 500 was supposed to last 30 days and only lasted 5, but for refusing to give you more, i'm the dictator?

wife: go figure

richie

me: i mean really

wife: you're not listening

me: im sure people will feel really sorry for you

wife: YOU ACTED FINE WITH IT ON SUNDAY

me: you're the one being dramatic

wife: YOU ACTED FINE

me: saying you're not going to thanksgiving because i wont give you more money

wife: HEARD ME SAY IT

AND WAS LIKE WHATEVER

NOW YOU WANNA DRAMATIZE

AND TREAT ME LIKE CRAP

AND ACT LIKE YOU WERE NEVER FINE WITH IT

me: JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SOMETHING DOESNT MEAN IT IS TRUE

DUH

wife: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED

AT WALMART

WE WERE BUYING MILK

ON SUNDA

AND I TOLD YOU FLAT OUT

IWAS GONNA HAVE TO ADVANCE MYSELF MONEY ON HAIR

me: AND IM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW FLAT OUT, I WANT TO SELL THE JEEP

wife: AND YOU ACTED FINE WITH IT

me: SINCE YOU DIDNT IMMEDIATELY YELL AT ME, THEN THAT MEANS I CAN DO IT

THAT'S HOW DECISIOSN ARE MADE IN THE ------------ HOUSE

WE ANNOUNCE STUFF, AND IF THE OTHER PERSON DOESNT YELL, THEN THAT IS PERMISSION TO DO IT

NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE

Sent at 9:47 AM on Wednesday

------------- is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when ----------- comes online.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

beb86 — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 16:08:32 GMT

WOW you really gave your pregnant wife an allowance?!? And on top of that its only $125 a week and she works? you both are in need of family amd financial counseling. if I ever tried that with my wife I would get slapped.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

llecs — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 16:41:16 GMT

I'd definitely focus on the relationship over money. While money is the top reason for divorce and breakups, there are always underlying issues mostly dealing with communication, or the lack thereof. That's what you should focus on. IMO I know I'm getting into the realm of unsolicited advice but check out Personality Plus by Littauer, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie, and The Five Love Languages by Chapman.

There are ways of communicating with your spouse that will get her to understand the financial situation and to get her to eagerly accept any family rules when it comes to $$$. She's hardwired differently than you are and explaining this to her in a way that makes sense to you will not work. You have to use her personality traits and her needs as leverage to get her to agree with any positive spending habits.

For example, my DW is terrible with money. If I give her $500, it'll be gone within minutes and she'll be back asking for more. That was a source of contention in our family too where I'm juggling the needs of many so she can get her hair done, new dress, whatever. I had to come up with a way to get her to understand that we aren't the federal government and we can't increase the debt limit whenever we want. I prepared charts and graphs showing how broke we will be if we continued trends, but she would only stare at it like a deer in the headlights. Her personality is that of a popular sanguine and if you toss her in a room of 100 people, she'll be BFFs forever with each one within minutes. She's the life of the party. Because of her traits, I cannot come to her with stats and figures. I had to make it emotional with her in order to connect. I had to place a high level of negative emotion on having no money, but also a positive emotion on the things she wants and needs, and play those two emotions to get what I need for the family.

So, I'll give her $x and ask her what she'd like to get with that money. She'll tell me food, clothes for the kids, but then she'll go into what she would like. I always ask DW to describe how she would feel when getting this or that and she goes on for 5 hours straight telling me the benfits, why she wants it, etc. All I do is listen, pay attention, and ask a question here or there. Even if she doesn't buy the item, she always feels better after talking to me about wanting it and sometimes even talks herself out of the purchase (win-win). As the conversation continues she'll often go over budget in her own mind. I'll remind her that all we have between this and that day is $x. Sometimes she'll get upset, but that's when I use the negative emotion within our conversation. I'll ask her if that new baby furniture purchases would be more important (using your example) than a new coat or whatever. Her negative emotion for not having a very important purchase for a kiddo (or other important needs) strongly outweighs the positive emotion of having an item she wanted. When I remind her of that negative emotion, purchasing things isn't as important to her. I'll aways come back to that negative emotion whenever I think she needs to get back on track when it comes to financial priorities. Everyone is different of course, and maybe your DW likes numbers and gets it, but this is what I have to do on an ongoing basis. When she slips, and she does, I never throw it in her face that she goofed up by setting some bad priorities; I calmly get her back on track using this method.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

beb86 — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 05:11:22 GMT

+1 to what llecs said but I have been in your situation where a spouse doesnt want to work with you or a budget. The have to see it or do it for themselves. My wife and I make good money but never had anything to show for it so I was sick and tired of being sick and tired so I read Dave Ramseys Total Money Makeover. It changed my life and got me fired up and I had our budget made and our debt snowball on excel. My wife blew it off and could care less. Finally after a bunch of ODs one month my wife took it upon herself and red the book.

now we are partners in crime when it comes our budget and any purchase over $20 we call each other for the ok. we also have all our accounts and budget in mint so we can see it up tothe min.

was it the book that did this? no it was us communicating and coming togethrr to work on this and now our marriage is stronger than ever.

congrats on the baby btw

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

drkaje — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 02:50:54 GMT

If you honestly thought pregnancy would magically change her way of thinking about finances..... then yes, you were wrong. :)

Sorry.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

Croselx — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 23:08:02 GMT

You two need to have a serious talk of where you both wish to be in the future. I wouldn't say that the wife is in the wrong or that you are right because this isn't what it should be about. The issue might be that since you are managing the money, your wife thinks that you are holding her part from her. Sit down with her, explain in details (use graphs, numbers, etc.) and make her a part of the financial management. Some people don't believe (or don't want to) until they see and experience the facts. Assuming you are combining both incomes: Split all basic living expenses 50/50 (groceries, mortgage, utilities, etc) Set a savings and emergency amount and add to it 50/50 After the above is done split whatevers left at 50/50 and this will be eachother's spending money Since the remaining is your spending money you may do with it as you please (save an additional amount, buy stuff, give to partner, etc.) There should be no problems with this method, and it should minimize fights over money management.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

mtrsprt — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 00:08:00 GMT

This is why I am not married. You were sucked up by a woman. I was at one timealso (divorced 8 years now thank god), but learned my lesson. By the sounds of it, this is NOT the woman you should be thinking of spending your life with. Sorry to say. Now, with a child coming, things are going to be even worse. I see it on a daily basis. I can only wish you use your better judgement in years to come.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

Walt_K — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 23:04:46 GMT

I think we can reserve judgment on whether this is the person for him or not based on one argument they had on gchat.

Did she really buy clothes for the baby when they were on sale, and clothes that you would have had to buy anyway? In other words, did she buy clothes that were planned in the budget without going overboard on extra outfits. If so, then I don't think she's that in the wrong. Juggle things around because there will be extra money now in the months to come because baby clothes are already purchased, and for less money than was budgeted. Of course, that only works if this isn't a continuous problem of overspending. Sounds like you may have a problem of continuous overspending. But I might have picked a different time to put my foot down, i.e., when she was out of money because of eating out rather than for purchasing baby clothes. But I can feel you. My wife and I have lots of conversations about exceeding the budget as well.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

adavis425 — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 23:34:53 GMT

Uh.... yup, you were wrong.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

jake619 — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 04:13:07 GMT

You need to do two things quickly:

clear the browser history
step up and pay for her hair yourself

always always always always take the high road. pregnant chicks can't be reasoned with. it's science.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

Shogun — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 05:22:11 GMT

This is a serious issue, and should require serious help.

1. Don't argue money over chat, you should sit down and discuss it face to face. Chat is too impersonal and too easy to get out of control.

2. Work together, I know it's difficult, my DW and I have had arguments over money for 21 years. It has happened, it will happen, you won't stop it.

3. On a personal note, she's PREGNANT. Not that I'm stereotyping here, but pregnant women are crazy! Trust me, I know this, from personal experience!

4. I do hope you can work this out, I'd pay for hair appt. myself if I could, cause I realize that sometimes it's hard to get by, and sometimes you have to stand on your morals, but denying a pregnant woman at Christmas time isn't one of them.

I'm wishing you and your family the best of luck!

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

beb86 — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 06:02:29 GMT

Shogun wrote:
This is a serious issue, and should require serious help.

1. Don't argue money over chat, you should sit down and discuss it face to face. Chat is too impersonal and too easy to get out of control.
2. Work together, I know it's difficult, my DW and I have had arguments over money for 21 years. It has happened, it will happen, you won't stop it.
3. On a personal note, she's PREGNANT. Not that I'm stereotyping here, but pregnant women are crazy! Trust me, I know this, from personal experience!
4. I do hope you can work this out, I'd pay for hair appt. myself if I could, cause I realize that sometimes it's hard to get by, and sometimes you have to stand on your morals, but denying a pregnant woman at Christmas time isn't one of them.

I'm wishing you and your family the best of luck!

haha... Just remember that there are two types of women...the ones who know the are crazy and the ones in denial....the are all crazy...My wife was medicated when we met so she already knew she was crazy...haha but I love her and us men are just as bad....I will go sit in the corner now....trust me I didnt mean to offend anyone

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

awal — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 18:24:53 GMT

beb86 wrote:
Shogun wrote:
This is a serious issue, and should require serious help.

1. Don't argue money over chat, you should sit down and discuss it face to face. Chat is too impersonal and too easy to get out of control.
2. Work together, I know it's difficult, my DW and I have had arguments over money for 21 years. It has happened, it will happen, you won't stop it.
3. On a personal note, she's PREGNANT. Not that I'm stereotyping here, but pregnant women are crazy! Trust me, I know this, from personal experience!
4. I do hope you can work this out, I'd pay for hair appt. myself if I could, cause I realize that sometimes it's hard to get by, and sometimes you have to stand on your morals, but denying a pregnant woman at Christmas time isn't one of them.

I'm wishing you and your family the best of luck!
haha... Just remember that there are two types of women...the ones who know the are crazy and the ones in denial....the are all crazy...My wife was medicated when we met so she already knew she was crazy...haha but I love her and us men are just as bad....I will go sit in the corner now....trust me I didnt mean to offend anyone

I want to play the voice of reason, but I can't find any basis for arguing the facts. :smileywink:

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

webhopper — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 19:57:50 GMT

There are a few things I see here that I will comment on. First. Your wife is pregnant! Congrats!

Pregnant wife = bigger belly + emotions. Also, your wife mentioned having to buy thanksgiving food with her allowance.

Its likely that she needed more money to accomodate her growing belly and the needs for the holidays.

I think there are some more serious underlying issues here and I think that if you want to save your marriage, its time to focus on healing the relationship in a mature way and communicating and coming together on making decisions. Maybe invest in counseling... otherwise, the allowance will be the least of your worries.

FYI, if my husband and I had had that conversation, he would be divorced in a heartbeat.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

demi — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 00:39:40 GMT

Yes, you were wrong. Wrong in the conversation, and wrong for posting on the web.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

jake619 — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 02:44:24 GMT

webhopper wrote:

I think there are some more serious underlying issues here and I think that if you want to save your marriage, its time to focus on healing the relationship in a mature way and communicating and coming together on making decisions. Maybe invest in counseling... otherwise, the allowance will be the least of your worries.

"If you want to save your marriage"? Really? Some couples talk to each other that way, even more so in informal, impersonal chats, but it isn't indicative of the marriage's health. $h__ gets real when kids and money are involved. Add hormones and holidays... this will pass. It does bring into question other things, sure, but to imply the marriage needs "saving" is a reach. +1 for the exchange actually occurring.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

FrugalRican — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 20:13:10 GMT

This conversation, over Gchat?

That's a clear indicator of a LOT more problems than just financial ones... namely, communication ones.

You're both in the wrong, by the way.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

webhopper — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 19:46:18 GMT

jake619 wrote:
webhopper wrote:

I think there are some more serious underlying issues here and I think that if you want to save your marriage, its time to focus on healing the relationship in a mature way and communicating and coming together on making decisions. Maybe invest in counseling... otherwise, the allowance will be the least of your worries.

"If you want to save your marriage"? Really? Some couples talk to each other that way, even more so in informal, impersonal chats, but it isn't indicative of the marriage's health. $h__ gets real when kids and money are involved. Add hormones and holidays... this will pass. It does bring into question other things, sure, but to imply the marriage needs "saving" is a reach. +1 for the exchange actually occurring.

When people don't feel safe and validated in a marriage they get very defensive... At what point is it worth staying in a marriage if neither partner feels safe? If the damage goes too far, you can go past the point of ever being able to reclaim what brought you together. An impersonal chat is fine, as long as attacking and yelling isn't going on...

Partners should be able to communicate without having these sorts of major issues pop up in an informal chat. There was a lot of frustration and mistrust displayed in the chat on the original post.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

drkaje — Sat, 16 Feb 2013 22:04:49 GMT

beb86 wrote:
Shogun wrote:
This is a serious issue, and should require serious help.

1. Don't argue money over chat, you should sit down and discuss it face to face. Chat is too impersonal and too easy to get out of control.
2. Work together, I know it's difficult, my DW and I have had arguments over money for 21 years. It has happened, it will happen, you won't stop it.
3. On a personal note, she's PREGNANT. Not that I'm stereotyping here, but pregnant women are crazy! Trust me, I know this, from personal experience!
4. I do hope you can work this out, I'd pay for hair appt. myself if I could, cause I realize that sometimes it's hard to get by, and sometimes you have to stand on your morals, but denying a pregnant woman at Christmas time isn't one of them.

I'm wishing you and your family the best of luck!
haha... Just remember that there are two types of women...the ones who know the are crazy and the ones in denial....the are all crazy...My wife was medicated when we met so she already knew she was crazy...haha but I love her and us men are just as bad....I will go sit in the corner now....trust me I didnt mean to offend anyone

Gotta love'em, though!

Sadly, there's a genetic component to (as you put it) needing medication.

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

Skater — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 18:16:34 GMT

if my husband talked to me like that i wouldn't be sticking around for long. she's buying things for your children. help her out. jeez