topic Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions in Relationships and Money

Blended family, Remarry finance questions

arynamber — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 21:36:02 GMT

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months.. I know people often say it, but it honestly feels like longer for both of us. I moved in 2 months ago.. he needed a roomie and I needed a place. For the most part its been good. Im currently getting unemployment.. and he has a great job but also lots of debt. He pretty much pays the rent, electric, etc and I pay for food and household stuff and give him cash when I can...
My kids are coming back this summer to live with us and I will be getting child support.. and by that time I should also be working. I think my BF is scared of having to "pick up slack" He made some strange comment the other day about how if we ever get married he wants to keep our finances completely seperate as he likes to go to Starbucks etc and doesnt want me, 'getting mad at him for silly spending"... Im very thrifty.
My question I guess is in looking ahead.. how does one deal with finances in a new marriage (2nd of me and I have three kids)..it seems odd to split everything.. he makes almost 2x the amount I make.. should I always be expected to pay half of all bills. I know I have the kids as well but thats why I get child support.

Just wondering how other blended families work it

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

webhopper — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 21:44:37 GMT

arynamber wrote:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months.. I know people often say it, but it honestly feels like longer for both of us. I moved in 2 months ago.. he needed a roomie and I needed a place. For the most part its been good. Im currently getting unemployment.. and he has a great job but also lots of debt. He pretty much pays the rent, electric, etc and I pay for food and household stuff and give him cash when I can...
My kids are coming back this summer to live with us and I will be getting child support.. and by that time I should also be working. I think my BF is scared of having to "pick up slack" He made some strange comment the other day about how if we ever get married he wants to keep our finances completely seperate as he likes to go to Starbucks etc and doesnt want me, 'getting mad at him for silly spending"... Im very thrifty.
My question I guess is in looking ahead.. how does one deal with finances in a new marriage (2nd of me and I have three kids)..it seems odd to split everything.. he makes almost 2x the amount I make.. should I always be expected to pay half of all bills. I know I have the kids as well but thats why I get child support.
Just wondering how other blended families work it

A couple of things strike me from your post... You say he has a lot of debt, and yet is scared for someone to tell him that he "can't have that cup of Starbucks"

This tells me that he isn't really interested in being out of debt or giving up his luxuries, He might also have been down this road with other partners and had some really bad experiences.

I think sharing finances is a really tough thing to do for someone who is used to being independent... giving up financial control is very hard! And guess what, you don't have to! As long as you are able to work together then it should be fine. My husband and I maintain our own seperate accounts, but we are each a joint holder on the others accounts. I'm responsible for paying bills from our respective accounts. It works for us!

Basically if you are thinking and talking about long term things, then you definately need to be on the same page, and both parties need to be motivated to make it work, Maybe he's trying to tell you that he's not ready for that step yet!

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

sunshine24 — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 22:50:19 GMT

I have two kids, my husband has none. He makes twice what I make but I do work full time and get child support. We've been married 4 years and still keep everything pretty much separate. We each pay about half of the rent/bills. He pays for the car that I drive, I buy groceries, he pays for all of our medical insurance. He will pay for the bigger extras like vacations. He puts a lot more into his retirement savings than I do. We kind of started merging things and started arguing a lot. It wasn't working out because he'd question how much I was spending on the kids and I'd get upset that he spent too much on something for his hobby.

From your fiance's perspective, I can see how he'd be scared to suddenly have to support 4 more people on his salary. You'll have to figure it out as you go along. Good luck!

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

Croselx — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 01:21:35 GMT

Try to do it by %. If he earns 75% of income and you earn 25% of income then you should pay 25% of the basics (cell phone, rent, food, utilities, etc) and he should pay 75%. I wouldn't do anything that may hurt both of you should one party fail such as joint CCs (joint bank accounts which require BOTH signatures may be done, but don't put all your eggs on one basket). Plan a joint budget, some savings (vacations and the like) and an emergency fund.

I'm sure it can work fine and will leave more money on the table for each of you compared with costs of living alone. Other areas such as car buying can remain the same (as in you will still be able to afford the same car as if you were single) or may even improve as there may be more money leftover.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

FrugalRican — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 11:42:08 GMT

Ahoy sailor, red flags abound!

It starts with Starbucks and it ends with electronics (or then some!). I don't mind that he wants to keep his finances separate, but he used Starbucks as an excuse for "silly spending". Part of me thinks you two might have rushed the "moving in" part of the relationship, but this isn't what this thread is about.

Don't ask us how it should work... ask HIM how you two want to work this out.

Communication is key in this. And if you two don't communicate clearly how to arrange all of this, the doubts and guessing continue. You need to air out this issue.

And I'd also be wondering why he feels like he needs to pick up the slack... he should have known what he was getting himself into beforehand.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

QAMngrGirl — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 00:05:19 GMT

My boyfriend and I moved in together almost 3 years ago with my 2 children. We have always followed the % rules and have a great budget & open line of communication when it comes to what $$ is needed for what. He makes 2x as much as I do but it figures out to right around 65-75% of the household bills. Getting your joint financial responsibility laid out before just "jumping in" is really important. I knew about the amount of debt he was bringing in, he knew about my not-so-great credit, etc. We've worked through everything with no major issues and stick to our budget really well. If we couldn't agree or communicate about finances, it wouldn't work in the whole relationship. All in all, we chose not to dump all of our money into one account and pay bills as they come in, we have what we are responsible for, from our own accounts. Accountability and responsibility are good things. BUT that could just be me (us).

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

my-own-fico — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 03:39:41 GMT

Croselx wrote:
Try to do it by %. If he earns 75% of income and you earn 25% of income then you should pay 25% of the basics (cell phone, rent, food, utilities, etc) and he should pay 75%.

I see the math, but where is the justification? If you go to the grocery store, will the clerk enter your salary in the register and base the price of milk and bread on it?

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

drkaje — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 14:17:14 GMT

This is a situation that should have been thought-out and discussed way in advance.

I'm divorced with three kids. DGF and I split all household bills equally. Kids are here some weekends or whenever they feel like it.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

Repo-ed — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 14:29:49 GMT

arynamber wrote:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months.. I know people often say it, but it honestly feels like longer for both of us. I moved in 2 months ago.. he needed a roomie and I needed a place. For the most part its been good. Im currently getting unemployment.. and he has a great job but also lots of debt. He pretty much pays the rent, electric, etc and I pay for food and household stuff and give him cash when I can...
My kids are coming back this summer to live with us and I will be getting child support.. and by that time I should also be working. I think my BF is scared of having to "pick up slack" He made some strange comment the other day about how if we ever get married he wants to keep our finances completely seperate as he likes to go to Starbucks etc and doesnt want me, 'getting mad at him for silly spending"... Im very thrifty.
My question I guess is in looking ahead.. how does one deal with finances in a new marriage (2nd of me and I have three kids)..it seems odd to split everything.. he makes almost 2x the amount I make.. should I always be expected to pay half of all bills. I know I have the kids as well but thats why I get child support.
Just wondering how other blended families work it

Abort! Abort! Abort!

This is a train wreck in the making. If you are on unemployment, and you believe he makes pretty good money (about 2x what you are currently making on unemployment) and he likes to incur debt with no desire to pay it off, your entire family is on a one-way trip to nowhereville.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

HindSight_20_20 — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 15:50:52 GMT

my-own-fico wrote:
Croselx wrote:
Try to do it by %. If he earns 75% of income and you earn 25% of income then you should pay 25% of the basics (cell phone, rent, food, utilities, etc) and he should pay 75%.

I see the math, but where is the justification? If you go to the grocery store, will the clerk enter your salary in the register and base the price of milk and bread on it?

my-own-fico,

Agreed, this type of formula clearly is set aside for 'credit card debt', loans, etc but not for utilities, groceries, and the like - if this was the case OP would only use 25% of the A/C in the summer and 25% of the heat in the winter... The very fact that OP even 'asked' the question ''should I be expected to pay half the bills" is another red flag people aren't pointing out. At the end of the day there is a lot going on here that against popular belief is not impossible to work out but I'm afraid requires more practicality, experience and planning than I see here IMO. Best of luck to you OP.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

Walt_K — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 00:32:09 GMT

my-own-fico wrote:
Croselx wrote:
Try to do it by %. If he earns 75% of income and you earn 25% of income then you should pay 25% of the basics (cell phone, rent, food, utilities, etc) and he should pay 75%.

I see the math, but where is the justification? If you go to the grocery store, will the clerk enter your salary in the register and base the price of milk and bread on it?

You and the grocery store are not in a partnership.

There's nothing that says people have to follow this type of formula, but it's a perfectly reasonable one. I make more than my wife so I take a larger portion of the bills. We couldn't split everythng in half if we wanted to. While I pay for more, the time demands of my job are much greater than hers so she takes on a larger share of house duties and dropping off/picking up duties for our son at school.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

my-own-fico — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 04:25:35 GMT

But not everyone has the same hourly wage; some earn more and spend less time doing so. So does she make up for her smaller salary by taking on a bigger slice of the household duties because you earn more or because you work longer? I don't see much reasonable about this, if we maintain that the two keep part of their respective income to themselves. If on the other hand they don't, then of course there's no problem of any kind; any respectable household sharing allows for some flexibility for indulgences for everyone. What exactly is it that's taken away?

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

drkaje — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 11:42:14 GMT

my-own-fico wrote:
But not everyone has the same hourly wage; some earn more and spend less time doing so. So does she make up for her smaller salary by taking on a bigger slice of the household duties because you earn more or because you work longer? I don't see much reasonable about this, if we maintain that the two keep part of their respective income to themselves. If on the other hand they don't, then of course there's no problem of any kind; any respectable household sharing allows for some flexibility for indulgences for everyone. What exactly is it that's taken away?

In looking at the situation OP framed, BF (of 6 months) is the one who'd be losing the most flexibility. I appreciate that this is the kind of forum where no one will state the obvious to spare feelings. That being said, implying his being unwilling/unable to float 4 people is a huge character flaw is pretty harsh, especially considering the change in responsibility level.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

my-own-fico — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 03:29:34 GMT

Haha, if BF should decide not to marry, I wouldn't think less of him. I'm merely talking about once they are married. If you go back to the Brady Bunch Mad Men Seven Year Itch generation, the husband worked in the city while the wife was a homemaker taking care of the kids. This was normal, and it was beyond anyone's imagination keeping your finances separate.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

Croselx — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 13:49:01 GMT

The % isn't set in stone and it is only a suggestion, other things must be taken into account before deciding. Remember the OP isn't married.

1) You could split like this example.

A makes $100 monthly and B makes $50 monthly. Both use the internet regardless of they being together, the internet cost is fixed at $1. If we go by % A makes 66% and B makes 34% (rounded to make it easier). Should pay be based on this: A pays $.66 and B pays $.34.

Both are saving money by spliting the cost and even though B 'saves' more than A, at the end of the day A will still have more money because s/he earns more. This sharing would only be for things that are in common such as utilities, food, etc. Pleasure things or luxuries such as a car or an expensive watch would be paid in full by the one enjoying them. Other things must be taken into account before deciding anything as there are a lot of variables involved such as person B earning only half of person A, but only working half the time or B taking taking or children or most of house chores (while also working).

2) or you could split the basics 50/50, add to a savings/investment account 50/50 and pocket the rest individually without questioning the other party. Chores/ house responsibilities are equally split.

Something to think about if getting married. If you earned $1M and your spouse $100K, then the MARRIAGE earned $1.1M and if a dirvoce occurs then the spouse that earned less is entitled to half the total amount (sometimes more + alimony) regardless because it is a partnership. In this case it makes sense to split 50/50 because in the worse case scenario someone else (the judge) will. Better get used to it if you are going to get married. From your posts it seems it'll be hard for your BF to get used to the partnership and new guidelines so I would proceed with caution.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

JM-AM — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 21:41:11 GMT

More and more relationships break up over finances. Its a tough discussion.

But knowing ahead of time you either accept the situation or move on.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

FrugalRican — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 11:58:52 GMT

my-own-fico wrote:
Haha, if BF should decide not to marry, I wouldn't think less of him. I'm merely talking about once they are married. If you go back to the Brady Bunch Mad Men Seven Year Itch generation, the husband worked in the city while the wife was a homemaker taking care of the kids. This was normal, and it was beyond anyone's imagination keeping your finances separate.

Divorce was also beyond anyone's imagination in those times as well.

Times have changed, so has the game.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

liesierre — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 03:04:16 GMT

personally, I like to keep our finances separate. i got burned before with my ex husband...got left holding the ball and paying the price for all of the debt, everything.

right now, I make about 3x more than my boyfriend of 6 years. we don't have any joint accounts, but we do have a child together. I have a son from my marriage that doesnt live with me 99% of the time.

I look at it like this, whether he was here or not, I would be paying for all of this stuff myself.

our arrangement is that I pay:
the entire rent
my cell bill
my car payment, insurance, etc

i usually buy most of the food for me/our daughter
i buy all her clothing/shoes/etc
i also send my ex husband 400/mo for my son

he pays:
all the utilities - power, cable, internet, phone
his own phone
his own insurance, car, etc
a lot of his own food since we dont like the same food and eat separately most of the time
his school, books, etc.

anything outside of those things... is our own money. if he gives me crap about spending money, i tell him to butt out and that its none of his business. I don't bother him about what he spends his money on (beer, hunting crap, swords, RC helicopters, etc)... every once in a while he likes to make a comment about what I buy or act like he has a right to tell me what I should or shouldnt spend it on...but our finances are completely separate. my bills are paid on time, whatever I do with the rest is none of his business. (I'm going into hardcore saving mode now, but I still buy some fun things).

I think a lot of it stems from his jealousy. he thinks I don't "deserve" how much I make because he thinks that he works "so much harder". thats just the kind of person he is... a martyr/entitled type that I have to keep in check. whatever the case, I do pay for a lot more than he does. In fact, I'm pretty sure if he didnt live with me, he would need to live with his mother because he probably couldn't afford to rent his own place here (Bay Area, CA).

the general thing is that I don't know that we'll last together as a couple... we're not the most stable pair of people and I don't really feel like we'll be together forever. I know that I can take care of myself. I'm improving my credit and saving for a down payment on a house that I plan to purchase entirely on my own credit and with my own money. If ever we do break up, I don't want to deal with any crap this time about who owns the house.

I got burned before when I broke up with my ex and he didnt help me with the mortgage, but he came with his hand out demanding money from the refinance in order to get him to sign the house over to me. I lost out on 15k to that jerk, money that he didn't put into that house. I'm not going down that road again. If I'm gonna be paying for the house (he cant afford to help me pay for it anyway) its going to be mine. End of story.

Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

IOBA — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 19:28:43 GMT

It sounds like you have found what works for you.

With that in mind, be careful about keeping bank docs and passwords lying around.