topic Re: Unmarried couple buying house in Relationships and Money

Unmarried couple buying house

drkaje — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:55:12 GMT

Always a bad idea‽

Basically, my foolish housemate is getting married (for the 5th time) to some chick he found on a dating website *. I'm eligible for a VA loan, no money down. Been with the same girl 6ish years and have no plans for marriage. Figured I should get a house and not be at the mercy of another roommate's marriage follies, LOL! She's always here anyways and we've lived together before with no drama.

Is there a safe, fair way to do something like this. My gut is kinda yelling "Shop within whatever budget you can afford alone, with no extra stress, just in case!", LOL! She's very excited about the house hunting process and so on. In my mind it's more or less a necessary evil and will give additional stability.

Her credit is perfect. We'd definitely qualify for a traditional mortgage with 20% down. Credit really isn't an issue at all. It's more about avoiding drama, in my mind. In the same vein, I definitely would not want to ever put someone in a scenario where they felt unequal.

* It's gonna be her fourth trip to the rodeo, LOL!

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

IOBA — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 02:22:17 GMT

If it were me, single with a long term relationship, I would purchase a house on my own. My income, my mortgage, my house. If significant other and I later decide to officially cohabitate, then something can be worked out that the SO pays for rent or utilities, or something. If things don't work out - it's my house, my rules, bye-bye.

But that is me...

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

drkaje — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:51:13 GMT

^ I pretty much feel that way but want to be fair. I'm in the minority here, only buying a house because of my roommate's marriage obsession. The kids are only here alternate weekends and it's a tight squeeze but I enjoy them so much space isn't really an issue.

We discussed it briefly and it could either be a place my income alone supports (on a VA loan) or something affordable to us both on a traditional mortgage. Adding someone's name to the deed so they feel equal doesn't make a ton of sense, to me. It kind of seems like buying drama. I also said buying much less house, to have no drama is a viable option.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

MissExcellentCredit — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 00:04:24 GMT

If you're not married, and not planning on getting married anytime in the future, who is the house really for? If you're paying for it, and she's just living in it as your girlfriend and not your wife, it should be in your name only.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

ptr2593 — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 00:30:55 GMT

I'm in the process of signing a lease with my girlfriend. We've been together for almost 3 years but have lived together for the past 12 or 13 months. Though it's not the same as buying a house, I feel comfortable enough putting both our names on the lease and just splitting rent/utilities/whatever else.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

drkaje — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 01:06:12 GMT

@ MissExcellentCredit,

You somehow managed to neatly sum up what was bothering me about the whole situation before I even figured it out.

Women really are smarter than us men, LOL!

Funny thing is, I would have never figured out why the idea felt icky. Seeing it in black and white makes me go "Jeez, Jake! The whole point of a girlfriend is you don't lose half your crap if it's time to make a change!". I can't imagine intentionally putting the kids in moving or changing homes again

Thank you! I'm not necessarily happy about finally getting it but am glad to understand things better. :)

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

MissExcellentCredit — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 01:47:31 GMT

Way to Go. You sound like a responsible guy who really loves his girl, but is not going into anything with his eyes closed. Good for you. Things can get messy when people who are in love just make assumptions about money. Just read some of the forums here about joint vs. authorized users or divorced couples money mistakes. I'm certainly not saying that's you - you sound like you have a very solid relationship - She's lucky to have you - you're considering giving her the benefits of a house that you completely pay for, which is usually reserved for a wife who makes a lifetime committment to you as your mate.

All the best to both of you!

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

Booner72 — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 23:35:46 GMT

Suze Orman says "Fico first, then sex." A little extreme, but probably smart.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

IOBA — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 03:22:43 GMT

drkaje - does this mean I will be seeing you over in the mortgage forum? :smileywink:

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

drkaje — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:37:09 GMT

^ Maybe.

Credit is decent but utilization is high. I will probably take another Eq hit to lower utilization after the conversation with USAA, today. They look more at hits within a month before pre-approval begins. I don't have to move until august so there's no hurry.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

IOBA — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 01:39:01 GMT

We are trying to purchase a house. A long, interesting story that has nothing to do with credit, just people.

DH has very low DTI. One cc is close to the limit (zero interest for a year). According to various sources, the high balance on that one card is holding his credit score back. We learned that the creditor reports about the 25th of each month. For us, it makes a difference in what products we qualify for as well as the interest rate.

We have the money to pay off the debt in full, but are choosing to leave it there because we want to put down 20%, avoid PMI, avoid escrow, and get a better interest rate.

Our son has offered to loan us the money to pay down the debt. His terms are a one time loan origination fee of 3%. (Bless his heart. It is what the bank offered him for a personal loan, on a special deal. He turned it down but offered to take it out for us instead, so it doesn't affect our credit.)

The moral to this is -- yes, pay down your debt. It's also to important to remember that being close to the credit limit, as well as overall utilization, affect your FICO score.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

drkaje — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 01:45:04 GMT

^ My DTI is crazy due to student loans.

I've been Duncan free one week!! I actually don't feel a bit better for having drank the free coffee at work, LOL!

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

GregB — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 16:34:34 GMT

If you are not getting married but buying a house together AND you want to avoid drama, you are kidding yourself. Even if you split up and managed to work out the finances on the house, the one that leaves is still on the loan. This will affect their ability to buy another house. Depending on the state, legal problems could be just as bad as a divorce.

Get married and buy a house.

Buy a house by yourself - except she is already house shopping so you are digging a bigger hole for yourself.

Rent another house.

or just shoot yourself and get it over with :smileywink:

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

drkaje — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:00:31 GMT

^ Buying a house alone makes the most sense. Either way there'll be some level of drama but getting it out of the way first will be cheaper in the long run. :)

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

IOBA — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 18:20:51 GMT

Absolutely! Your gf doesn't log on and read myfico, does she? ;)

The path of least drama for you is to buy the house that suits you best. If she wants to tag along, ok. But realize that she may be thinking you might be changing your mind about your relationship with her (ie: marriage, co-habitating, etc).

If possible, my advice would be to move forward with your financials, figure out what you can do and find a house on your own. Buy it. Move in. Tell you moved. Don't involve her in the house hunting.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

haulingthescoreup — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 03:44:32 GMT

Just coming at it from another angle, I would never buy a house with a BF/ GF. If we were looking at something as long-term as a mortgage, we would need to be looking at long-term committed relationship, and to me, that means marriage.

I don't have a problem with people living together (I've done it myself), but to me the difference between that and marriage is that with the living together bit, there isn't a long-term commitment, and with marriage, there is. I'm not naive enough to think that marriage is some sort of guarantee, because it sure wasn't for me, but it's a public statement of intent to stay together forever. And a 30-year mortgage is pretty dang close to forever, believe me. :D

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

drkaje — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 12:56:30 GMT

^ Considering more than half of all marriages end in divorce, I don't know if we can assume any relationship is forever.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

haulingthescoreup — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 16:08:27 GMT

drkaje wrote:
^ Considering more than half of all marriages end in divorce, I don't know if we can assume any relationship is forever.

I do realize that, as I noted above. No guarantees on anything.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

drkaje — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:19:43 GMT

haulingthescoreup wrote:
drkaje wrote:
^ Considering more than half of all marriages end in divorce, I don't know if we can assume any relationship is forever.
I do realize that, as I noted above. No guarantees on anything.

Was only kidding. Forgot the smiley. :)

Not anti-marriage. Just not my thing anymore.

I'm trying very hard to simplify things and am 100% certain there's no compromise that'd satisfy both our comfort levels. Break-ups are a pain in the butt as it is, having to fight over a house really doesn't sound like any fun at all.

Re: Unmarried couple buying house

haulingthescoreup — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:26:48 GMT

drkaje wrote:
haulingthescoreup wrote:
drkaje wrote:
^ Considering more than half of all marriages end in divorce, I don't know if we can assume any relationship is forever.
I do realize that, as I noted above. No guarantees on anything.
Was only kidding. Forgot the smiley. :)

Not anti-marriage. Just not my thing anymore.

I'm trying very hard to simplify things and am 100% certain there's no compromise that'd satisfy both our comfort levels. Break-ups are a pain in the butt as it is, having to fight over a house really doesn't sound like any fun at all.

Yeah, it's kind of sad. On the one hand, I believe that you have to be practical. On the other hand, I wonder if going into things (including marriages) with all these internal reservations about what-if and exit strategies help doom them from the get-go.

In the end, I think that it really helps relationships/ marriages if both parties are fully capable of living independently for the rest of their lives, both financially and emotionally, but they choose to share their future. Oddly, not "having" to stay makes you more free to commit to stay. It reduces the many, many instances of people who are trapped (= trap themselves) in bad relationships because they don't see how they could live on their own. <-- It's very, very different when there are children involved, though, IMO.

Geeze, what depressing musings for a beautiful Sunday! :D