They say never fix an addiction problem with another fix, but that is what happened to me this morning. Since meeting with the bankruptcy lawyer on the 14th I have withdrawn from life, sleeping it away and returing to gambling. I haven't spoken to anyone since Saturday. The phone has been off, no computer, like being dead. All I had left was a beating heart and cigarette-smoke infested lungs from breathing it at the casinos. I laid in bed yesterday feeling like I was about to die. So I jumped out of bed, took a shower and made my beds-I have two bedrooms. I drove to a steak restaurant-my daily fix of too much red meat-and had a NY Strip. Then it was off to the casino with what little funds I had left. Now I was dipping into the credit card payment money my attorney told to use for payments. I eyed a quarter/bet slot machine that had a maximum payoff was over $29,000-just enough to cover my $28,000 credit card debt caused by the past two months of gambling. My savings nearly gone. Music opportunities gone. Friends and family gone. Yet there I was, living for one more spin of the wheel. And at 1AM, on the 23rd anniversary of my first gamblers anonymous meeting, I hit the $29,000 jackpot. Yes, I'll have to pay taxes on it next year, but for now the credit card debt can be wiped out. I had closed three credit cards and stopped using them at the suggestion of the attorney. I wrote my stepmother the letter saying I couldn't make the loan payments anymore and informed her of my pending bankruptcy. That $108,000 debt is still there and still confounds me. I still lost quite a bit of savings. But the credit card debt is gone. I reopened Navy Federal's card and now know that they handle cash advances like purchases-a potential danger. I told Discover not to send me anymore balance transfer checks. They agreed. I tried to reopen Citi Bank diamond but they couldn't assure me that I would get another hard pull. I went mad with applying for new credit during my gambling spree and now have up to 11 hard pulls on one of the CRAs. My scores bottomed out in the 680s. But I am alive. I didn't commit suicide. Now I will try to clean up the mess. But as an addict I can't say I'm out of the woods. I can never say that. We've all heard the story of the drunk who says never again after being caught with a DUI and gets some clean time, only to fall again. I'm a drunk too, but with nearly 23 years of abstinence. For me, gambling has been a 37 year ride to nowhere, with years of abstinence thrown in here and there. I am the quintessential compulsive pathological gambler whose weakness is a silly slot machine, the choice of old ladies and derelicts too dumb for higher forms of gambling. I guess I'm one of the derelicts. Living on a sizable disability income, told that I'm unfit for work or school, living alone in a community full of rich old folks, lonely and depressed, I found solace in Arizona's multititudes of Native-run smoky casinos. After "investing" $50,000 since Halloween, I got almost $30,000 back today. I still lost $20,000, but the debt is gone-until 2017 tax time. I have to pay tax on $9200 of 2016 winnings but can easily prove my losses by submitting credit card reports and my home equity line of credit debt.
This talk of debt being wiped out by the miracle of a slot machine pull can be dangerous talk for people like me here on the forum. Someone shared about his or her blackjack addiciton. Others have wild spending habits or unfortunate medical bills or loss of jobs. I was just plain lucky tonight. I'm a bit of a Christian too though I also found myself at a synagogue lately to try to get in touch with my Jewish roots. I listended to some K-Love music and thought how God must be mad at me for what I've done, only to be spared the knife of credit card debt. The security guard who escorted me to my car was an Iraqi Christian who endured horrors during his early life. Funny that my winning brought us together for a brief moment. He took down my phone number. Why I was spared months of debt I'll never know, but I do know that I could easily do it again. I did it in the past, much worse than even this episode.
I will deposit the check in 4 hours then meet with my gambling therapist, of all people. I didn't stay out of the casino and make no promises that I won't return. My lease expires in May and I have withdrawn myself from social activities here in Arizona. The band threw me out after I tried turning in my music then storming out of a rehearsal. Compulsive gamblers in action-bipolar to boot-don't make for particularly friendly people. I sure drew some temporary attention tonight but it was superficial-except for the talk with the security guard. That had some meat to it.
So God willing I will make a $13,000 payment to Discover, $10,200 payment to NFCU and $5110 to Citibank. As they say here in Fico world, my Utilization will be back to zero and my accounts will be current, even the line of credit. I will monitor it to see if my stepmother makes the payment but I will if she doesn't. Maybe I can get my scores over 700 again, for whatever that is worth.
Please don't do what I did, but if you do, I hope your outcome is as good as mine-at least for the moment.
Take care.
