SO Advice

[mamatried]

If you had trouble getting your significant other on board, but you did it, how did you do it? The head is very deep in the sand. It's hard because I've been feeling so intense about all of this... HELP!

[Anonymous]

On board with finances? On board with rebuilding?

For my DH it was mostly him him growing up finally, but also me constantly discussing our monthly bills and our bank account balance. I started putting all our monthly bills onto a calander, that really helped him understand.

[mamatried]

Really with both. We are unmarried, but have lived together for a very long time. He's had some medical things so his work history has been up or down and mostly down for the last year. He's healthy again, but not being proactive with getting an income. 

I've been busting butt on income, finances and rebuilding. I talk about all a lot. I keep a detailed spreadsheet that he has access to and whenever my score jumps, I tell him and he's happy for me... but he doesn't seem interested at all when I try to poke him about his income and pulling his report. 

I just don't know how to approach it without it coming off like an ultimatum, but maybe it is.

[Anonymous]

Spreadsheets....you need spreadsheets!

I find that people dont want to try and put it all togeather in their head, sometimes putting it all togeather on a single page help place finances in perspective for those who are intimidated.

[mamatried]

I do use spreadsheets for all of my stuff, but he doesn't seem interested in doing anything for himself... 

Should I just focus on pushing him to get income and then when he does, turn some of the bills over to him on his own spreadsheet? Then once he has a little money saved, push him to pull his CR and add that info into the spreadsheet?

[Anonymous]

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@mamatried wrote:

I do use spreadsheets for all of my stuff, but he doesn't seem interested in doing anything for himself... 

Should I just focus on pushing him to get income and then when he does, turn some of the bills over to him on his own spreadsheet? Then once he has a little money saved, push him to pull his CR and add that info into the spreadsheet?

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My guess is that his resistance is due to pride and embarrassment. Bringing it up reminds him hes not pulling his own weight, this makes a guy shut down.

He needs to get over his own ego and fear of judgement. Step 1, getting a job will help him feel less dependent and embarrassed.

That is, if he hasnt already gotten too used to being taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Oh that's really tough, and honestly, idk what to tell you. I'm sorry, I know how frustrating that is.

Sounds a lot like my DH years ago. My DH is epileptic and the meds he takes mostly control his seizures, but back in late 2012 he was manically depressed and attempted suicide and quit taking his meds which overall left us on one income for over a two years. At first I was supportive, but after a year he wasn't trying to get a job, which while he did have a medical suspenion on his license, I felt he could have still tried to work something out, cause I was doing everything in my power to try and make ends meet, but no matter how often I explained our financial situation he just didn't seem to care, he had never seemed to care.

Things got to the point where I was done, I ended up telling him that I never thought money would be the reason our marriage didn't work, but what I expected of him wasn't unreasonable. He started trying, and over the last year I feel like he's finally grown up.

So idk, no one wants money to be the reason a relationship doesn't work out because it sounds so shallow, but at the same time what he's doing isn't fair to you either, no one should expect someone else to handle the burden of the finances all on their own. 

[mamatried]

Thanks, guys. Those words help A LOT!