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A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

Regular Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

I think the core of this issue is more than just a "lie of omission".

 

You've been together a long time. My guess is he knows by now that finances are important to you, especially things like financial stability and long-term planning.

 

Those things are clearly not important to him. And it could come back to bite you if you purchase a house together and something happens on his end.

 

Furthermore, it sounds like full disclosure is important to you. Not only is it not a priority for him, but he actively places parts of his life as "off limits" for you.

 

These are two pretty significant incompatibilities. He hasn't necessarily done anything wrong (aside from the stupidity of not saving), but in my book when you care deeply about someone then you accommodate their priorities. He's not doing that for you. And if I were in your shoes, that's why I would leave him.

 

Message 11 of 28
Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

 


Batsy wrote:

I think the core of this issue is more than just a "lie of omission".

 

You've been together a long time. My guess is he knows by now that finances are important to you, especially things like financial stability and long-term planning.

 

Those things are clearly not important to him. And it could come back to bite you if you purchase a house together and something happens on his end.

 

Furthermore, it sounds like full disclosure is important to you. Not only is it not a priority for him, but he actively places parts of his life as "off limits" for you.

 

These are two pretty significant incompatibilities. He hasn't necessarily done anything wrong (aside from the stupidity of not saving), but in my book when you care deeply about someone then you accommodate their priorities. He's not doing that for you. And if I were in your shoes, that's why I would leave him.

 


I agree with Batsy, if after 7 years of living together and you've never seen a tax return or check stub, it would seem to me he is actively deciding what he shares and what to keep away.

 

That for me would be a major concern and has been in past relationships; for me it's a sign of selfishness and I am not so sure I would be quick to believe there are no retirement accounts; making money requires a certain level of intelligence and he does make double your income and you split bills fifty fifty.

 

You have been together a good while, obviously you care/love deeply for one another, what is wrong with full disclosure in his mind?  I believe it should be as big a deal as you think it is. The real question you should ask yourself is: Are you trying to prove yourself wrong for how you feel. Or justify why you should not be upset.

 

Whatever your decision,  My wish for you is clarity of thought in your decision.

Began my personal credit Renaissance April 2014 with scores I the 590's, thanks to all your experiences myfico - all mortgage scores in the 730's.
Message 12 of 28
Valued Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

IMHO, you guys need to sit down and have a real, hard, invasive, and, completely honest conversation about these issues. You sound more like roommates than a committed couple.
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Message 13 of 28
Regular Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?


driftless wrote:
IMHO, you guys need to sit down and have a real, hard, invasive, and, completely honest conversation about these issues. You sound more like roommates than a committed couple.

I was thinking the same thing, honestly you set up this relationship and parameters in the beginning, kind of selfish to change now.  Your boyfriend is a smart man, roomate to split the bills with and sexy time whenever he wants.  If he is making double what you are making and you can't tell by his car, clothes, toys, savings, or retirement means he has someone else on the side.(it could be another guy, girl or kid you don't know about)  You need to decide what is important to you, ever hear the saying you  can't teach an old dog new tricks?  I believe this is true the only way he is going to change is if he wants to change.  If you like the relationship as is, save up for a house put it in your name only or the other persons name only when you get the mortgage but not both, a kind of dumb decision if you never get married, because what if you break up, now neither of you can do anything with the house and the legal costs about fighting this in court would probably be over 20K+.  

 

 

Message 14 of 28
Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

If marriage is off the table (due to trust issues)... why buy a house together? It seems reeeeeally risky for your future to be tied into home ownership (risky for your future).

Message 15 of 28
Regular Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

He didn't lie because you never asked.But here's my take this is a dangerous situation to be in how can you 2 be together this one and not know what the other makes,credit scores,etc..Here should be a open and honest one of commnication on everything.And yes still both of you should have money to yourselves to do as you please but must come together as one.The good thing  is atleast he's paying his half.But more honest communication is needed or this will be a dead end.I wish you luck and hope things get better !

Message 16 of 28
Frequent Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?


s.  If he is making double what you are making and you can't tell by his car, clothes, toys, savings, or retirement means he has someone else on the side.(it could be another guy, girl or kid you don't know about)  You need to decide what is important to you, ever hear the saying you  can't teach an old dog new tricks?  I believe this is true the only way he is going to change is if he wants to change. 

 

 

I know where his extra money goes...I just didn't realize how much of it went there (and no, it's not any of the above).  I've definitely got some thinking to do.  That said, as an update he did actually put his entire commission check into a 12 month CD last week--and told me the amount--so I guess baby steps....

Sept 15 -- All mid 400s
Jan 16 -- All mid 500s
Current: Knocking on 700s
Message 17 of 28
Regular Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

I'm going to be completely honest.
You like like roommates and don't plan on getting married. He owes you no type of explanation what so ever.


Starting Score:586 Current Score(5/20/16):???(EQ) 685(TU) 690(EX) Goal Score:700
Message 18 of 28
Senior Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

Just my opinion here, but I think it's a bit odd that you don't really know his income level.  I get it in a new relationship that's maybe a year or so old that early on it's not an easy discussion point for everyone, but when you've been living together for 7 years I would think it would become common knowledge on both sides. 

Message 19 of 28
Valued Contributor

Re: A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

My DW saves about 50% of her net income because I choose to pay for everything (home is fully paid and owned by me, passed down from family) and I save about 15% (I make more then double) but I pay for the car leases, insurance, health insurance, and all the wants and needs,

You should talk to him and try to get him to understand the importance of why he should start saving now
Message 20 of 28