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I'm trying to see if I'm in the wrong here. My wife gets $500 a month in spending money. We both work. She spent all her spending money within 5 days of getting it. Now, she wants an advance so she could get her hair done. Below is a gchat conversation we just had. She's got me so upset about the entire thing, I'm wondering if I'm in the wrong here. I've edited out the names and some of the poor language I chose to use.
me: your friend cashed the 200 check
wife: o
friend
I wouldn't call her that
me: and no more spending going out to eat and whatnot
wife: um
gotta buy thanksgiving food
for dorothy's
me: well thats it
wife: ok
me: gotta make this moeny last till dec 1
wife: oh crap
me: and we only have 350 left
wife: no
my hair
me: uh should've thought abt that before
wife: no
me: yes
wife: you heard me say
NO
you're not doing this to me
me: and you heard me say to use ur spending money
wife: you heard me say it
me: but instead, you chose to spend it on clothes
wife: and I told you I didn't have enough
me: except you did
you had 300
wife: no
me: and you spent it all
so whats that got to do with me
wife: it will be 2 days before the first
me: you cant manage your money
wife: I can't go after
me: god help ------ and the baby if i die
wife: it's only appt she has for decemebr
me: you'll spend the entire million in a month and then ask for an advance the next day
wife: no
whatever
when I was working 3 days a week for 20 hours
me: the 500 is supposed to last you for 30 days
wife: I was supposed to get 500
spending
now I work 5 days
we should have more money
and have benefits
me: oh, so you're planning on not having a child in march then?
because last i checked, our financial picture changed pretty dramatically when you got pregnant
wife: excuse me
well whatever I mean this is stupid
two days before the 1st
me: instead of having extra money, we have to save extra money for the baby
u dont get spending mony on the first
wife: well you can't get your playstation
me: you get spending money on the 15th
so its acually 17 days before you're supposed to get it
wife: you said we had no money until the first
me: yes no money for groceries and going out to eat
not [your] spending money
you get 500 every month on the 15th
it is now the 21st and you've spent it all and you're complaining about it
wife: i told you I needed to advance it
you heard me say it
the girl here ruined my hair
me: so if you want an advance for the next year, i guess i have to give it to you because you said it
wife: I didn't advance this past month
so don't act like I do it every month
me: u knew you had to get ur hair done
and then you still spent all ur money
how much sense does that make?
i mean seriously
wife: I just ran across some really good sales for ------- and the baby
who both need clothes for next year
me: well part of managing money is prioritizing it
and clearly your priorities were clothes and not hair
except now, you're trying to get around it by basically using our savings to fuel your spending addiction
wife: no
I only get my hair done every month
or supposed to
except the girl here messed it up
that's not my fault
every other month
me: whats that got to do with the 500 in spending you had
that you spent in 6 days
wife: the stupid picture
me: well nobody forced you to buy it
i mean you chose to spend all ur money and its like ur acting like its not ur fault
my job is to make sure we have food for --------- and can pay the bills
and every time i turn around, you're wasting 500 dollars a month on nothing and wanting advances for the next month
wife: it's not nothing
it's clothes for ------
and the baby
who has none
me: well the baby isnt here yet so
wife: so
clothes are expensive
you have to buy when there are sales
me: ok so thats the choice you made
wife: like the clearance one
me: so why are you trying to create more money to get both clothes adn ur hair done
wife: Look..I just wanted to get my hair done before the big play thing at church and before christmas and --------- has no more appts
because she's booked solic
solid
me: again, you knew u wanted to get ur hair done on nov 15 when you had 500 dollars
its like me knowing we have 1000 dollars to pay the rent, but choosing to waste it all on baby furniture and then complaining that we dont have enought moeny to pay rent
wife: oh my gosh
do you love lecturing me
me: no, but this happens every month
wife: I make the money too
I don't deserve this
it iddn't happen last month
me: yes money that we're supposed to be saving so we can afford to have a baby
which, apparently you think is less important than managing your money like an adult
i mean we're just now getting our finances straight and trying to plan to have a baby is impossible when one person only cares about spending every dime she gets
wife: ----------
seriously
stop acting like you never heard me say I needed to advance the money
and you acted like whatever about it
now you wanna be a drama queen
me: no, i said u should plan your money out
u had plenty of money to get ur hair done
wife: no
me: nodoby forced you to buy clothes for a baby we dont even have yet
wife: I had already ordered items from ----------
that I had to pay for
me: yes
wife: that she was holding
me: and then, after i told you you had 85 dollars left, you proceeded to waste all that too
knowing you had to get ur hair done
which i said you should save it for
later the same day, you spend it all
i mean what do you want out of me
wife: for baby stuff
me: so what
wife: which I would have to buy anyways
it was HUGE sale
one of each item
me: i dont care if you spent it on an Ipad gift for me
it doesnt matter what u spent it on, it's gone
wife: this should be joint
me: Wells Fargo doesnt ask you what you spent it on and then give you extra money if its something you like
wife: if you wanted to advance yourself money..would you be lecturing
no
you would do it
I make money to
me: except there is no money to advance because you spend it all the time
wife: I'm tired of being treated like a dog
me: you go out to eat constantly
while i eat peanut butter sandwiches
wife: you stole my TWG paycheck
that was my extra money
me: no it wasnt extra
it was spent on going out to eat
wife: you said when I worked extra for them..I could keep it
but yet you took it
me: i never said that
wife: yes you did
me: whatever
dream on
wife: I said "If I make over my 32 hours like working at TWG..can I keep it"
you said yes
me: you spend every penny you get
and now you want more to spend
i dont think so
we have to save up to have a child
yuou dont have paid leave
and all u care about is wasting more money every month
wife: well I'm just gonna force myself to go back to work eaqrly
early
me: you waste money on clothes
when you need ur hair done
wife: clothes for the babies
me: then, when you spend all ur money, you want more
wife: not me
me: i dont care if it was for poor chidlen in africa
its gone
u spent 500 dollars in 6 days
wife: no
[Picture purchase] was set up beforehand
so was erin
me: well ur right, you spent it in 5 days because u spent it all by yesterday
wife: so don't act like I freshly spent it
me: well that was something you knew you were spending
and now ur acting like you deserve extra because you stupidly decided to write checks for 400 dollars for a picture
Sent at 9:35 AM on Wednesday
me: I DEMAND AN ADVANCE OF 2000 FOR MY SPENDING MONEY FOR THE YEAR. SINCE I SAID IT, IT IS NOW FACT AND I NEED IT
THEREFORE, I WILL NOW USE MY 2000 TO BUY WHATEVER I WANT
AND THEN NEXT MONTH, I WILL DEMAND ANOTHER ADVANCE BECAUSE YOU KNEW I WAS ADVANCING MYSELF MONEY THIS MONTH
AND SINCE I SAID IT, IT IS TRUE
wife: oh no worries
me: AND SINCE YOU KNEW I WAS ADVANCING MYSELF MONEY THIS MONTH AND NEXT MONTH
IT IS TRUE
wife: TWG won't pay me direct deposit anymore
I'm calling to set that up
so you can't touch it
me: uh ok
then no more spending money
wife: screw you
me: u can just keep twg paychecks
wife: you steal from me
me: you steal from me
wife: and I"m sick of it
me: i get jack s*** spending money
wife: who cares
me: and you b**** and complain about 500 not being enough
wife: I buy stuff for the children
you don't
me: so you can complain to someone who gives a d***
yes, and then once you spend it all on them, you demand more so you can spend it on urself
wife: you are a dictator
a control freak
me: no im like someone who understands MATH
wife: a sick man
me: which apparently you dont
wife: who lieks to dominate
and control
have fun with yoursister tomorrow
because ---------- and I aren't going
me: im more than happy to call someone, anyone, and ask for their opinion on it
wife: we will go see my family
me: great
ill be more than happy to explain the situation
wife: not thankful for you
me: im sure there will be a lot of people crying tears of sympathy for you
wife: so not spending the day with you
so I can be miserable
me: how dare you not give ---------- more money after she spent 500 in 5 days
what kind of monster could do that
adolf hitler never did anything so vile
wife: the problem is you heard me say I had to advance it
and acted fine
now you wanna act crazy
that's what is sick
me: stalin never did anything like this
wife: you're being dramatic
when you were fine with it
me: only a demented crazy person wouldnt give someone more money when they already spent all theirs
wife: on sunday
that's what makes this bad
YOU
acting like it's fine
then dramatizing it
which is what you always do
me: sure, the 500 was supposed to last 30 days and only lasted 5, but for refusing to give you more, i'm the dictator?
wife: go figure
richie
me: i mean really
wife: you're not listening
me: im sure people will feel really sorry for you
wife: YOU ACTED FINE WITH IT ON SUNDAY
me: you're the one being dramatic
wife: YOU ACTED FINE
me: saying you're not going to thanksgiving because i wont give you more money
wife: HEARD ME SAY IT
AND WAS LIKE WHATEVER
NOW YOU WANNA DRAMATIZE
AND TREAT ME LIKE CRAP
AND ACT LIKE YOU WERE NEVER FINE WITH IT
me: JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SOMETHING DOESNT MEAN IT IS TRUE
DUH
wife: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED
AT WALMART
WE WERE BUYING MILK
ON SUNDA
AND I TOLD YOU FLAT OUT
IWAS GONNA HAVE TO ADVANCE MYSELF MONEY ON HAIR
me: AND IM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW FLAT OUT, I WANT TO SELL THE JEEP
wife: AND YOU ACTED FINE WITH IT
me: SINCE YOU DIDNT IMMEDIATELY YELL AT ME, THEN THAT MEANS I CAN DO IT
THAT'S HOW DECISIOSN ARE MADE IN THE ------------ HOUSE
WE ANNOUNCE STUFF, AND IF THE OTHER PERSON DOESNT YELL, THEN THAT IS PERMISSION TO DO IT
NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE
Sent at 9:47 AM on Wednesday
------------- is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when ----------- comes online.
WOW you really gave your pregnant wife an allowance?!? And on top of that its only $125 a week and she works? you both are in need of family amd financial counseling. if I ever tried that with my wife I would get slapped.
I'd definitely focus on the relationship over money. While money is the top reason for divorce and breakups, there are always underlying issues mostly dealing with communication, or the lack thereof. That's what you should focus on. IMO I know I'm getting into the realm of unsolicited advice but check out Personality Plus by Littauer, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie, and The Five Love Languages by Chapman.
There are ways of communicating with your spouse that will get her to understand the financial situation and to get her to eagerly accept any family rules when it comes to $$$. She's hardwired differently than you are and explaining this to her in a way that makes sense to you will not work. You have to use her personality traits and her needs as leverage to get her to agree with any positive spending habits.
For example, my DW is terrible with money. If I give her $500, it'll be gone within minutes and she'll be back asking for more. That was a source of contention in our family too where I'm juggling the needs of many so she can get her hair done, new dress, whatever. I had to come up with a way to get her to understand that we aren't the federal government and we can't increase the debt limit whenever we want. I prepared charts and graphs showing how broke we will be if we continued trends, but she would only stare at it like a deer in the headlights. Her personality is that of a popular sanguine and if you toss her in a room of 100 people, she'll be BFFs forever with each one within minutes. She's the life of the party. Because of her traits, I cannot come to her with stats and figures. I had to make it emotional with her in order to connect. I had to place a high level of negative emotion on having no money, but also a positive emotion on the things she wants and needs, and play those two emotions to get what I need for the family.
So, I'll give her $x and ask her what she'd like to get with that money. She'll tell me food, clothes for the kids, but then she'll go into what she would like. I always ask DW to describe how she would feel when getting this or that and she goes on for 5 hours straight telling me the benfits, why she wants it, etc. All I do is listen, pay attention, and ask a question here or there. Even if she doesn't buy the item, she always feels better after talking to me about wanting it and sometimes even talks herself out of the purchase (win-win). As the conversation continues she'll often go over budget in her own mind. I'll remind her that all we have between this and that day is $x. Sometimes she'll get upset, but that's when I use the negative emotion within our conversation. I'll ask her if that new baby furniture purchases would be more important (using your example) than a new coat or whatever. Her negative emotion for not having a very important purchase for a kiddo (or other important needs) strongly outweighs the positive emotion of having an item she wanted. When I remind her of that negative emotion, purchasing things isn't as important to her. I'll aways come back to that negative emotion whenever I think she needs to get back on track when it comes to financial priorities. Everyone is different of course, and maybe your DW likes numbers and gets it, but this is what I have to do on an ongoing basis. When she slips, and she does, I never throw it in her face that she goofed up by setting some bad priorities; I calmly get her back on track using this method.
+1 to what llecs said but I have been in your situation where a spouse doesnt want to work with you or a budget. The have to see it or do it for themselves. My wife and I make good money but never had anything to show for it so I was sick and tired of being sick and tired so I read Dave Ramseys Total Money Makeover. It changed my life and got me fired up and I had our budget made and our debt snowball on excel. My wife blew it off and could care less. Finally after a bunch of ODs one month my wife took it upon herself and red the book.
now we are partners in crime when it comes our budget and any purchase over $20 we call each other for the ok. we also have all our accounts and budget in mint so we can see it up tothe min.
was it the book that did this? no it was us communicating and coming togethrr to work on this and now our marriage is stronger than ever.
congrats on the baby btw
If you honestly thought pregnancy would magically change her way of thinking about finances..... then yes, you were wrong.
Sorry.
This is why I am not married. You were sucked up by a woman. I was at one timealso (divorced 8 years now thank god), but learned my lesson. By the sounds of it, this is NOT the woman you should be thinking of spending your life with. Sorry to say. Now, with a child coming, things are going to be even worse. I see it on a daily basis. I can only wish you use your better judgement in years to come.
I think we can reserve judgment on whether this is the person for him or not based on one argument they had on gchat.
Did she really buy clothes for the baby when they were on sale, and clothes that you would have had to buy anyway? In other words, did she buy clothes that were planned in the budget without going overboard on extra outfits. If so, then I don't think she's that in the wrong. Juggle things around because there will be extra money now in the months to come because baby clothes are already purchased, and for less money than was budgeted. Of course, that only works if this isn't a continuous problem of overspending. Sounds like you may have a problem of continuous overspending. But I might have picked a different time to put my foot down, i.e., when she was out of money because of eating out rather than for purchasing baby clothes. But I can feel you. My wife and I have lots of conversations about exceeding the budget as well.
Uh.... yup, you were wrong.
You need to do two things quickly:
always always always always take the high road. pregnant chicks can't be reasoned with. it's science.