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803scdantes
Posts: 0
Registered: ‎11-21-2012
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Am I in the Wrong Here?

[ Edited ]

I'm trying to see if I'm in the wrong here.  My wife gets $500 a month in spending money.  We both work.  She spent all her spending money within 5 days of getting it. Now, she wants an advance so she could get her hair done.  Below is a gchat conversation we just had.  She's got me so upset about the entire thing, I'm wondering if I'm in the wrong here.  I've edited out the names and some of the poor language I chose to use.

 

 

 me:  your friend cashed the 200 check

 wife o

friend

I wouldn't call her that

 me:  and no more spending going out to eat and whatnot

 wife um

gotta buy thanksgiving food

for dorothy's

 me:  well thats it

 wife ok

 me:  gotta make this moeny last till dec 1

 wife oh crap

 me:  and we only have 350 left

 wife no

my hair

 me:  uh should've thought abt that before

 wife no

 me:  yes

 wife you heard me say

NO

you're not doing this to me

 me:  and you heard me say to use ur spending money

 wife you heard me say it

 me:  but instead, you chose to spend it on clothes

 wife and I told you I didn't have enough

 me:  except you did

you had 300

 wife no

 me:  and you spent it all

so whats that got to do with me

 wife it will be 2 days before the first

 me:  you cant manage your money

 wife I can't go after

 me:  god help ------ and the baby if i die

 wife it's only appt she has for decemebr

 me:  you'll spend the entire million in a month and then ask for an advance the next day

 wife no

whatever

when I was working 3 days a week for 20 hours

 me:  the 500 is supposed to last you for 30 days

 wife I was supposed to get 500

spending

now I work 5 days

we should have more money

and have benefits

 me:  oh, so you're planning on not having a child in march then?

because last i checked, our financial picture changed pretty dramatically when you got pregnant

 wife excuse me

well whatever I mean this is stupid

two days before the 1st

 me:  instead of having extra money, we have to save extra money for the baby

u dont get spending mony on the first

wife:  well you can't get your playstation

 me:  you get spending money on the 15th

so its acually 17 days before you're supposed to get it

 wife you said we had no money until the first

 me:  yes no money for groceries and going out to eat

not [your] spending money

you get 500 every month on the 15th

it is now the 21st and you've spent it all and you're complaining about it

 wife i told you I needed to advance it

you heard me say it

the girl here ruined my hair

 me:  so if you want an advance for the next year, i guess i have to give it to you because you said it

 wife I didn't advance this past month

so don't act like I do it every month

 me:  u knew you had to get ur hair done

and then you still spent all ur money

how much sense does that make?

i mean seriously

 wife I just ran across some really good sales for ------- and the baby

who both need clothes for next year

 me:  well part of managing money is prioritizing it

and clearly your priorities were clothes and not hair

except now, you're trying to get around it by basically using our savings to fuel your spending addiction

 wife no

I only get my hair done every month

or supposed to

except the girl here messed it up

that's not my fault

every other month

 me:  whats that got to do with the 500 in spending you had

that you spent in 6 days

 wife the stupid picture

 me:  well nobody forced you to buy it

i mean you chose to spend all ur money and its like ur acting like its not ur fault

my job is to make sure we have food for --------- and can pay the bills

and every time i turn around, you're wasting 500 dollars a month on nothing and wanting advances for the next month

 wife it's not nothing

it's clothes for ------

and the baby

who has none

 me:  well the baby isnt here yet so

 wife so

clothes are expensive

you have to buy when there are sales

 me:  ok so thats the choice you made

 wife like the clearance one

 me:  so why are you trying to create more money to get both clothes adn ur hair done

 wife Look..I just wanted to get my hair done before the big play thing at church and before christmas and --------- has no more appts

because she's booked solic

solid

 me:  again, you knew u wanted to get ur hair done on nov 15 when you had 500 dollars

its like me knowing we have 1000 dollars to pay the rent, but choosing to waste it all on baby furniture and then complaining that we dont have enought moeny to pay rent

 wife oh my gosh

do you love lecturing me

 me:  no, but this happens every month

 wife I make the money too

I don't deserve this

it iddn't happen last month

 me:  yes money that we're supposed to be saving so we can afford to have a baby

which, apparently you think is less important than managing your money like an adult

i mean we're just now getting our finances straight and trying to plan to have a baby is impossible when one person only cares about spending every dime she gets

 wife ----------

seriously

stop acting like you never heard me say I needed to advance the money

and you acted like whatever about it

now you wanna be a drama queen

 me:  no, i said u should plan your money out

u had plenty of money to get ur hair done

 wife no

 me:  nodoby forced you to buy clothes for a baby we dont even have yet

 wife I had already ordered items from ----------

that I had to pay for

 me:  yes

 wife that she was holding

 me:  and then, after i told you you had 85 dollars left, you proceeded to waste all that too

knowing you had to get ur hair done

which i said you should save it for

later the same day, you spend it all

i mean what do you want out of me

 wife for baby stuff

 me:  so what

 wife which I would have to buy anyways

it was HUGE sale

one of each item

 me:  i dont care if you spent it on an Ipad gift for me

it doesnt matter what u spent it on, it's gone

 wife this should be joint

 me:  Wells Fargo doesnt ask you what you spent it on and then give you extra money if its something you like

 wife if you wanted to advance yourself money..would you be lecturing

no

you would do it

I make money to

 me:  except there is no money to advance because you spend it all the time

 wife I'm tired of being treated like a dog

 me:  you go out to eat constantly

while i eat peanut butter sandwiches

 wife you stole my TWG paycheck

that was my extra money

 me:  no it wasnt extra

it was spent on going out to eat

 wife you said when I worked extra for them..I could keep it

but yet you took it

 me:  i never said that

 wife yes you did

 me:  whatever

dream on

 wife I said "If I make over my 32 hours like working at TWG..can I keep it"

you said yes

 me:  you spend every penny you get

and now you want more to spend

i dont think so

we have to save up to have a child

yuou dont have paid leave

and all u care about is wasting more money every month

 wife well I'm just gonna force myself to go back to work eaqrly

early

 me:  you waste money on clothes

when you need ur hair done

 wife clothes for the babies

 me:  then, when you spend all ur money, you want more

 wife not me

 me:  i dont care if it was for poor chidlen in africa

its gone

u spent 500 dollars in 6 days

 wife no

[Picture purchase] was set up beforehand

so was erin

 me:  well ur right, you spent it in 5 days because u spent it all by yesterday

 wife so don't act like I freshly spent it

 me:  well that was something you knew you were spending

and now ur acting like you deserve extra because you stupidly decided to write checks for 400 dollars for a picture

 Sent at 9:35 AM on Wednesday

 me:  I DEMAND AN ADVANCE OF 2000 FOR MY SPENDING MONEY FOR THE YEAR.  SINCE I SAID IT, IT IS NOW FACT AND I NEED IT

THEREFORE, I WILL NOW USE MY 2000 TO BUY WHATEVER I WANT

AND THEN NEXT MONTH, I WILL DEMAND ANOTHER ADVANCE BECAUSE YOU KNEW I WAS ADVANCING MYSELF MONEY THIS MONTH

AND SINCE I SAID IT, IT IS TRUE

 wife oh no worries

 me:  AND SINCE YOU KNEW I WAS ADVANCING MYSELF MONEY THIS MONTH AND NEXT MONTH

IT IS TRUE

 wife TWG won't pay me direct deposit anymore

I'm calling to set that up

so you can't touch it

 me:  uh ok

then no more spending money

 wife screw you

 me:  u can just keep twg paychecks

 wife you steal from me

 me:  you steal from me

 wife and I"m sick of it

 me:  i get jack s*** spending money

 wife who cares

 me:  and you b**** and complain about 500 not being enough

 wife I buy stuff for the children

you don't

 me:  so you can complain to someone who gives a d***

yes, and then once you spend it all on them, you demand more so you can spend it on urself

 wife you are a dictator

a control freak

 me:  no im like someone who understands MATH

 wife a sick man

 me:  which apparently you dont

 wife who lieks to dominate

and control

have fun with yoursister tomorrow

because ---------- and I aren't going

 me:  im more than happy to call someone, anyone, and ask for their opinion on it

 wife we will go see my family

 me:  great

ill be more than happy to explain the situation

 wife not thankful for you

 me:  im sure there will be a lot of people crying tears of sympathy for you

 wife so not spending the day with you

so I can be miserable

 me:  how dare you not give ---------- more money after she spent 500 in 5 days

what kind of monster could do that

adolf hitler never did anything so vile

 wife the problem is you heard me say I had to advance it

and acted fine

now you wanna act crazy

that's what is sick

 me:  stalin never did anything like this

 wife you're being dramatic

when you were fine with it

 me:  only a demented crazy person wouldnt give someone more money when they already spent all theirs

 wife on sunday

that's what makes this bad

YOU

acting like it's fine

then dramatizing it

which is what you always do

 me:  sure, the 500 was supposed to last 30 days and only lasted 5, but for refusing to give you more, i'm the dictator?

 wife go figure

richie

 me:  i mean really

 wife you're not listening

 me:  im sure people will feel really sorry for you

 wife YOU ACTED FINE WITH IT ON SUNDAY

 me:  you're the one being dramatic

 wife YOU ACTED FINE

 me:  saying you're not going to thanksgiving because i wont give you more money

 wife HEARD ME SAY IT

AND WAS LIKE WHATEVER

NOW YOU WANNA DRAMATIZE

AND TREAT ME LIKE CRAP

AND ACT LIKE YOU WERE NEVER FINE WITH IT

 me:  JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SOMETHING DOESNT MEAN IT IS TRUE

DUH

 wife THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED

AT WALMART

WE WERE BUYING MILK

ON SUNDA

AND I TOLD YOU FLAT OUT

IWAS GONNA HAVE TO ADVANCE MYSELF MONEY ON HAIR

 me:  AND IM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW FLAT OUT, I WANT TO SELL THE JEEP

 wife AND YOU ACTED FINE WITH IT

 me:  SINCE YOU DIDNT IMMEDIATELY YELL AT ME, THEN THAT MEANS I CAN DO IT

THAT'S HOW DECISIOSN ARE MADE IN THE ------------ HOUSE

WE ANNOUNCE STUFF, AND IF THE OTHER PERSON DOESNT YELL, THEN THAT IS PERMISSION TO DO IT

NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE

 Sent at 9:47 AM on Wednesday

 

------------- is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when ----------- comes online.

Valued Contributor
beb86
Posts: 1,117
Registered: ‎10-31-2011
0

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

WOW you really gave your pregnant wife an allowance?!? And on top of that its only $125 a week and she works?  you both are in need of family amd financial counseling. if I ever tried that with my wife I would get slapped.

ccpics2.jpg
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llecs
Posts: 32,881
Registered: ‎08-04-2007
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Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

I'd definitely focus on the relationship over money. While money is the top reason for divorce and breakups, there are always underlying issues mostly dealing with communication, or the lack thereof. That's what you should focus on. IMO I know I'm getting into the realm of unsolicited advice but check out Personality Plus by Littauer, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie, and The Five Love Languages by Chapman.

 

There are ways of communicating with your spouse that will get her to understand the financial situation and to get her to eagerly accept any family rules when it comes to $$$. She's hardwired differently than you are and explaining this to her in a way that makes sense to you will not work. You have to use her personality traits and her needs as leverage to get her to agree with any positive spending habits.

 

For example, my DW is terrible with money. If I give her $500, it'll be gone within minutes and she'll be back asking for more. That was a source of contention in our family too where I'm juggling the needs of many so she can get her hair done, new dress, whatever. I had to come up with a way to get her to understand that we aren't the federal government and we can't increase the debt limit whenever we want. I prepared charts and graphs showing how broke we will be if we continued trends, but she would only stare at it like a deer in the headlights. Her personality is that of a popular sanguine and if you toss her in a room of 100 people, she'll be BFFs forever with each one within minutes. She's the life of the party. Because of her traits, I cannot come to her with stats and figures. I had to make it emotional with her in order to connect. I had to place a high level of negative emotion on having no money, but also a positive emotion on the things she wants and needs, and play those two emotions to get what I need for the family.

 

So, I'll give her $x and ask her what she'd like to get with that money. She'll tell me food, clothes for the kids, but then she'll go into what she would like. I always ask DW to describe how she would feel when getting this or that and she goes on for 5 hours straight telling me the benfits, why she wants it, etc. All I do is listen, pay attention, and ask a question here or there. Even if she doesn't buy the item, she always feels better after talking to me about wanting it and sometimes even talks herself out of the purchase (win-win). As the conversation continues she'll often go over budget in her own mind. I'll remind her that all we have between this and that day is $x. Sometimes she'll get upset, but that's when I use the negative emotion within our conversation. I'll ask her if that new baby furniture purchases would be more important (using your example) than a new coat or whatever. Her negative emotion for not having a very important purchase for a kiddo (or other important needs) strongly outweighs the positive emotion of having an item she wanted. When I remind her of that negative emotion, purchasing things isn't as important to her. I'll aways come back to that negative emotion whenever I think she needs to get back on track when it comes to financial priorities. Everyone is different of course, and maybe your DW likes numbers and gets it, but this is what I have to do on an ongoing basis. When she slips, and she does, I never throw it in her face that she goofed up by setting some bad priorities; I calmly get her back on track using this method.

Valued Contributor
beb86
Posts: 1,117
Registered: ‎10-31-2011
0

Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

[ Edited ]

+1 to what llecs said but I have been in your situation where a spouse doesnt want to work with you or a budget. The have to see it or do it for themselves. My wife and I make good money but never had anything to show for it so I was sick and tired of being sick and tired so I read Dave Ramseys Total Money Makeover. It changed my life and got me fired up and I had our budget made and our debt snowball on excel. My wife blew it off and could care less. Finally after a bunch of ODs one month my wife took it upon herself and red the book.

 

now we are partners in crime when it comes our budget and any purchase over $20 we call each other for the ok. we also have all our accounts and budget in mint so we can see it up tothe min.

 

was it the book that did this? no it was us communicating and coming togethrr to work on this and now our marriage is stronger than ever.

 

congrats on the baby btw

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drkaje
Posts: 3,492
Registered: ‎07-25-2008
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Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

If you honestly thought pregnancy would magically change her way of thinking about finances..... then yes, you were wrong. :smileyhappy:

 

Sorry.


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Croselx
Posts: 139
Registered: ‎07-31-2012
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Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

You two need to have a serious talk of where you both wish to be in the future. I wouldn't say that the wife is in the wrong or that you are right because this isn't what it should be about. The issue might be that since you are managing the money, your wife thinks that you are holding her part from her. Sit down with her, explain in details (use graphs, numbers, etc.) and make her a part of the financial management. Some people don't believe (or don't want to) until they see and experience the facts. Assuming you are combining both incomes: Split all basic living expenses 50/50 (groceries, mortgage, utilities, etc) Set a savings and emergency amount and add to it 50/50 After the above is done split whatevers left at 50/50 and this will be eachother's spending money Since the remaining is your spending money you may do with it as you please (save an additional amount, buy stuff, give to partner, etc.) There should be no problems with this method, and it should minimize fights over money management.
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mtrsprt
Posts: 307
Registered: ‎07-27-2011
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Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

This is why I am not married.  You were sucked up by a woman.  I was at one timealso (divorced 8 years now thank god), but learned my lesson.  By the sounds of it, this is NOT the woman you should be thinking of spending your life with.  Sorry to say.  Now, with a child coming, things are going to be even worse.  I see it on a daily basis.  I can only wish you use your better judgement in years to come.


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Walt_K
Posts: 3,065
Registered: ‎11-02-2009
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Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

I think we can reserve judgment on whether this is the person for him or not based on one argument they had on gchat.

 

Did she really buy clothes for the baby when they were on sale, and clothes that you would have had to buy anyway?  In other words, did she buy clothes that were planned in the budget without going overboard on extra outfits.  If so, then I don't think she's that in the wrong.  Juggle things around because there will be extra money now in the months to come because baby clothes are already purchased, and for less money than was budgeted.  Of course, that only works if this isn't a continuous problem of overspending.  Sounds like you may have a problem of continuous overspending.  But I might have picked a different time to put my foot down, i.e., when she was out of money because of eating out rather than for purchasing baby clothes.  But I can feel you.  My wife and I have lots of conversations about exceeding the budget as well.


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adavis425
Posts: 513
Registered: ‎02-14-2012
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Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

Uh.... yup, you were wrong.

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jake619
Posts: 496
Registered: ‎11-13-2012
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Re: Am I in the Wrong Here?

You need to do two things quickly:

  1. clear the browser history
  2. step up and pay for her hair yourself

always always always always take the high road.  pregnant chicks can't be reasoned with.  it's science.


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