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Established Contributor
Ravensfan2001
Posts: 556
Registered: ‎11-10-2012
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Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

I feel you. My mom did pretty much the same thing your wife did. My dad refi'd the house to pay everything. He was even taken to court for a $12k cc bill that SHE racked up. They are now retired, but mom is still up to her old tricks again, except it's only affecting her credit, not his. She's always trying to borrow money from me and my siblings, but I learned how to say no.

My husband and his brother are also the same way. I have an agreement with my husband that he gives me a set amount every payday, then he's free to do what he wants with his money. He recently was approved for "prime" cc's, and cash advanced yesterday to gamble. So the problems are starting again. I started a thread on that issue.

My brother-in-law hides everything from his hard-working wife. Their electricity was cut 2 weeks ago. Turned on the same day after paying. But while she works her butt off to pay the bills, he pretends he's broke, when in reality, he has several thousands for his gambling.

So there are worse people out there than your wife. And it was very big of you to forgive her. I forgave my husband for hiding a title loan from me. Twice. I think you are doing the right thing by handling the finances while she gets it together. Then maybe in the future, give her more responsibilty, a little at a time. I tried to do that, but it obviously didn't work. But it's just a suggestion so maybe she won't feel so "controlled."

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Hamaron
Posts: 13
Registered: ‎10-24-2013
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Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

[ Edited ]

Thank you for sharing your story. I understand there is always worse.  My rant was mostly a vent - all that frustration built up for years came out in that 'last straw' moment.

 

Quite the contrary, she tells me that she feels less stressed and liberated. She works full time and we have two children under four years. So we're always busy. But this problem existed prior to kids; it was a habit. She tells me that she admires my discipline...if she only knew! I've worked a long time to get where I am now. I've paid my dues. I don't consider myself that big of a deal, but I am a little ahead of the pack for my age and education. That said, this is about not losing the financial gains we've made together. Oh yeah...and keeping our marriage together. :smileywink:

 

 

Established Contributor
Ravensfan2001
Posts: 556
Registered: ‎11-10-2012
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Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

Good for her! She's well on her way to "recovery." :smileywink: She obviously realized what she was doing and wants to better the situation, including your marriage. Good luck to both of you. It takes two to work out problems like these...

Starting Scores: (4/16/12 lender pull) TU 596 | EX 550 | EQ 576
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Senior Contributor
Booner72
Posts: 3,889
Registered: ‎05-24-2011
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Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

[ Edited ]

IMO, you have to stick it out bc your kids are so young. You think finances are bad now, get a divorce!

 



Take away all the money and bill paying and put her on an allowance. You wrote in your post you have taken over bill paying "for now". I say, forever. She blew it.


If she sneaks and lies about other things, you have a much bigger problem on your hands than some late payments. Good Luck!

 

PS:  Depending on who your student loan servicer is, you might be able to write a GW letter and get them to remove the lates.  If it's Sallie Mae, good luck, they are such sticklers and never get rid of the lates if it wasn't their fault.

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Member
Hamaron
Posts: 13
Registered: ‎10-24-2013
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Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

I mentioned the servicer is MOHELA. They gave me good advice on wiping the record. Pay the balance in full by Nov 11th and then file a dispute with the credit agencies. That's what I'm doing.

 

With respect to other lies - well, I don't know. If I did, then I'd be a detective. I don't think she's lying about anything else and I have no reason to suspect. She's not the type to be sneaky. When confronted, she would say that she was afraid of what I would say, so she avoided it. A fool's logic. But I digress.

 

I don't think that putting her on an allowance is necessary. She's thrifty. Neither one of us spend beyond our means. We see eye to eye on almost everything regarding the family's needs. 13 years on, things are about the same as they were when we were first married except we have a lot more money and bigger bills. But that's life. Forgiveness means the subject as it was formerly understood isn't brought up again. She doesn't need punishment, but relief. I was pretty mad, but I'm not now. If I stayed mad, I surely wouldn't have stayed married.

 

Moving right along...

Regular Contributor
Startome
Posts: 399
Registered: ‎08-21-2013
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Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills


Hamaron wrote:

I mentioned the servicer is MOHELA. They gave me good advice on wiping the record. Pay the balance in full by Nov 11th and then file a dispute with the credit agencies. That's what I'm doing.

 

With respect to other lies - well, I don't know. If I did, then I'd be a detective. I don't think she's lying about anything else and I have no reason to suspect. She's not the type to be sneaky. When confronted, she would say that she was afraid of what I would say, so she avoided it. A fool's logic. But I digress.

 

I don't think that putting her on an allowance is necessary. She's thrifty. Neither one of us spend beyond our means. We see eye to eye on almost everything regarding the family's needs. 13 years on, things are about the same as they were when we were first married except we have a lot more money and bigger bills. But that's life. Forgiveness means the subject as it was formerly understood isn't brought up again. She doesn't need punishment, but relief. I was pretty mad, but I'm not now. If I stayed mad, I surely wouldn't have stayed married.

 

Moving right along...



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Established Member
Sock
Posts: 50
Registered: ‎08-20-2013
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Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

First of all, to "fix" the student loan problem, you'll find a lot of hope here: 

http://ficoforums.myfico.com/t5/Student-Loans/Student-Loan-Rehabilitation-And-The-Effect-On-Tradelin...

 

 

 

Second of all, if your wife is having emotional issues around money, then that really needs to be resolved. It's great that you can forgive her but if she doesn't find a way to come to terms and correct the underlying problem, you're gonna find yourself at some point down the road having a hard time forgiving her for the "umpteenth" time.

 

A great place to start would be a program through Inner Bonding (forum, or a weekend session). It's simple, isn't hard, and may do you two a whole lot of good way beyond what you may be expecting.

New Contributor
couponcrazy619
Posts: 73
Registered: ‎02-11-2014

Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

Hi- I just wanted to write on this post and tell you how much of a forgiving person you are...it takes lots of guts to look at the positive in someone when they have lied to you. 

 

I also want to add that I myself have been in the same shoes as your wife, I had the same problem about 1 year ago about paying bills on time. I didn't know how to control money and neither did my hubby. I acted for a long time like i knew what i was doing. But in the inside i wouldn't sleep at night thinking how i was going to catch up on paying bills that I neglected or just put off. every time my hubby asked are all the bills paid? I just smiled and said yes!!!! I wanted to soooo bad come out and say, look im so far behind on bills i don't know what to do. I guess i thought that the problem would just "go away" but it didn't. It all came out in the end and almost lost EVERYTHING. I begged for forgiveness and promised never to do that again. 

 

I finally admitted that i had a problem and i fixed it. It takes lots of guts to do that. Admit that you have a problem and then turn around and fix it yourself.. I have now turned everything around and finally started working on our credits. His first as i had lots of things bad on mine. Im proud to say that i have raised his score 78 points in the last 2 1/2 months. and got my score from low 400's tp 550 now. 

 

Im sure your wife feels bad for keeping this away from you...because i know i did. And it was the same excuse. I was afraid of what my hubby would say. Looking back on it now, i should have just told him and thats it. 

 

Unlike you, my hubby trusted that i would turn things around and i did. Thank you for your story and im sorry if my post was long...lol :smileyhappy:

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gen-specific
Posts: 314
Registered: ‎02-27-2013
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Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

bill pay anyone?

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Hamaron
Posts: 13
Registered: ‎10-24-2013
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Re: At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

Thank you...I didn't distrust her to make the change; she didn't trust herself to do it. Since then I have put almost every bill on auto pay. No more late bills, ever. I asked her tonight after reading an excerpt of your message if she would be comfortable with handling the money...and she said, "No." Now understand that she is an educated person, with a Master's degree in a fast growing medical field. She is a professor at a local private University. She knows how to handle herself, and she knows how she cowers at the thought of handling the finances. Just because a person is amazing and gifted in one area doesn't mean they are amazing and gifted in all areas. I am an electrical engineer and have been steadily employed for two decades. We are doing fine, it's just fixing our credit that's been damaged... I'm at 679 and she's at 650. I was able to buy a new full size car in December without trouble (I put a large cash down payment on it). Our costs month to month are stable and under control. We're not in massive debt aside from student loans and have managed to pay off two credit cards since I originally posted. But these things take time. I'm not going to throw away a marriage because of a hang up about money.


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