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Frequent Contributor
Posts: 270
Registered: ‎06-22-2011

Re: At what point do you give up?


 


OMG you married a single mother with 4 kids, my deepest condolences.

 

Please do not generalize this statement. My divorced mother, with my father not an active person in our lives, worked her bum off all the way to retirement. She remarried to a man - her second, his third, and he inheirted 4 kids, age 17-10. He made a ton of money, but my mother always had a fear of bills having struggled so many years herself. She continued her job. Their marriage was heaven. My stepdad was my mentor, father in every aspect of life. I will be forever blessed that he entered our life. He has since passed and I miss him everyday. 

Starting Score: 2/23/2017 Score 8 EQ 651 TU 659 EX 679
Current Score:09/23/2017 Score 8 EQ 743 TU 741 EX 740
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Goal Score: 750+ ATB FICO 8, Mortgage Scores 700+
Contributor
Posts: 84
Registered: ‎04-12-2017

Re: At what point do you give up?


DollyLama wrote:

 


OMG you married a single mother with 4 kids, my deepest condolences.

 

Please do not generalize this statement. My divorced mother, with my father not an active person in our lives, worked her bum off all the way to retirement. She remarried to a man - her second, his third, and he inheirted 4 kids, age 17-10. He made a ton of money, but my mother always had a fear of bills having struggled so many years herself. She continued her job. Their marriage was heaven. My stepdad was my mentor, father in every aspect of life. I will be forever blessed that he entered our life. He has since passed and I miss him everyday. 


Thank you for posting this DollyLama. Marrying into a relationship with kids is work but what relationship isn't? From the OP's story this situation would've existed regardless of whether the kids were his or not. 

I can definitely attest to stepdads being amazing because my brother is one and he's always corrected people when they say he only has x amount of kids because they leave out his step daughter. To him she is his daughter whether she was born from his loins or not.

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Re: At what point do you give up?


abnormalspring wrote:

Background

Me and my wife filed bankruptcy together. Mainly because I had a 6 year old Garnishment catch up to me I had forgotten about. But my wife had a terrible amount of credit card dept I made $76,000 the year before we filed I only had $26,000 in living expenses and I took away her cards and was trying to pay them down and I couldnt figure out why or how she owed so much. Well $50,000 later i found out she had re ordered and they were pretty much maxed again so I gave up and we filed bankruptcy.

 

Now that it is discharged things were starting to look better till I checked our account and found she had spent $5,000 in one month and we nolonger have an emergency fund / savings and her new cards are maxed out.

 

I have tried everything to get her to calm down and learn to budget but nothing works and the money and financial problems we had before are coming back.

 

The financial stress she is causing is unbearable I work a 21/7 sechedual and I skipped my week home so I am working 42 straight day just because i dont want to be at the house anymore.

 

So my thoughts are at what point should I say financial managment and a budget or im done?

 

I would be happy if she budgeted everything and had a catagory for $100,000 wasteful spending a month because atleast it was budgeted and I could work with her to get the category brought down.


But back to the situation at hand I'm sorry to see you going through this OP, it seems like you really care for your family. Do the best that you can to resolve things but as others have said if it doesn't work you have two choices.

Either you have to cut her off from all the money in your marriage for the rest of your lives, or leave her and find someone else. The choice is yours and both are hard decisions to make. I hope things work out for the best for you.

Keep us updated.

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Posts: 72
Registered: ‎04-11-2015

Re: At what point do you give up?

I am no expert when it comes to relationships but Dave Ramsey has a Financial Peace University Course that pretty much allows both couples and singles to go from financially illiterate to financial on the  same page should they have a turning point.  While he is not pro-credit or debt except for a mortgage, a great deal of the information is quite good in helping people to be able communicate.  It can be off putting and down right mystifying for a couple to not have rent money when you bring home $140K annually.   I do not know what the deal breaker is in anyone else's relationship.  But honestly if retraining, re-evaluating and having a spending plan, though there may be bumps in the road for the first 3 months or so, may be worthwhile trying.  Talk to her about the "Why".  What is the vision behind the Why?  And your why may include things like hey, what would it look like to have 6 months worth of rent money saved up. What would our lives look like if we had $5000 saved for an emergency?  How would if feel if in 6 years, we paid cash for a new to  us vehicle?  What would it look and feel like to take a debt-free vacation?  What would our future lives look like if we had been able to pay it forward some day when we are living financially independent and just write a check and pay it towards a person or organization that gives hope to someone else?  Talk it through!

TU 791| EQ 795 | EX 784
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Posts: 189
Registered: ‎03-30-2015

Re: At what point do you give up?

I hope the OP's situation is better by whatever means by now. I hope things are going well for everyone.

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Re: At what point do you give up?

A lot of good points/advice on here. I hope the OP has worked things out for the best.

 

I would say that in addition to the separate checking and credit freezes, to be wary of being the depositor into her account kind of thing. My Mother was the only one working in her second marriage, and she had a separate account for her husband. He would overdraw his own account and my mother would end up putting more money in it for him. Even after they separated, she still felt obligated to help him with this.

 

I have a very similar experience from watching my dad. His second wife had 2 kids, living off welfare. My father worked a good job making around 100K a year and she worked odd jobs on and off throughout their marriage. She was always going and buying bunches of things and always spending lots of money. My dad had a hard time with it as well. He was not gone all the time working either, just 40 hour work week with occasional business trips. They ended up divorcing due to financial issues among other things.

 

Some people, I think, see a person with a good job and lots of money as a means for them to live the life of luxury without considering the destruction it is doing to the other person, who is putting in the grind to make a living. In a way, it is very selfish to destroy the person who is supposed to be your partner because of wanting to live the high life.

 

Rather than having joint accounts consider the authorized user kind of thing. A single card for only groceries and gas. That way you can monitor her spending, and if it starts to get out of control, cut off the card. You need to tell her that she will have to have her own checking account and will have to pay for the debt on her own cards on her own if she cannot control herself. Ignoring the elephant in the room will not help and it comes time for serious in depth discussion about what is going on. She needs to be honest with you about it, because obviously she is hiding from you what she is doing. Have her sit down with you and have her pull up all the statements and have her calculate it all up and what she is spending where. It can be a real eye opener. If she cares for you she should be willing to stop having you work yourself to death for no gain.


Gardening Since 6/15/17: goal 2020

2016 FICO 642, March 2016 Vantage 602
Current: EX FICO 707, TU FICO 715, EF FICO 697, Vantage 801
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Registered: ‎07-15-2017
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Re: At what point do you give up?


goodcreditgirl1 wrote:
I want to tell you to run hard and fast, but hmmmmm... I'm a healthcare professional and I seriously wonder if she has something else going on like bipolar disorder.

My first wife had bipolar disorder, and we definatly had our issues with finances.   As soon as we got paid, she shopped, and then no money left to pay bills.   Why did she do  it,  who knows.  One thing I do know.  She didn't understand that our financial issues were the consequences of her actions.

 

Your wife should be evaluated by a mental health professional.   You both need to know what you are dealing with.   In my case it ended in divorce, that doesn't mean that is what you should do.   In the end only you can decide what is best for you based upon your own situation. 


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Re: At what point do you give up?

If the wife can not control her passion for shopping, she should immediately divorce, otherwise the case may end in a much worse way.

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Re: At what point do you give up?


loyalsudz wrote:

I am no expert when it comes to relationships but Dave Ramsey has a Financial Peace University Course that pretty much allows both couples and singles to go from financially illiterate to financial on the  same page should they have a turning point.  While he is not pro-credit or debt except for a mortgage, a great deal of the information is quite good in helping people to be able communicate.


I know a lot of people who have gone through his course(s) as a couple. Everything I've heard, it's a great way to get back on track; the only place I disagree with him AFAIK is his fear of revolvers (He says cut up, I say SD).


TU FICO 8: 743 (9/17) — Ex FICO 8: 727 (10/17)
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Registered: ‎04-09-2016
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Re: At what point do you give up?

Am I the only one that doesn't see a way out? Even if they do divorce isn't OP still responsible for child support?  Alimony?  Poor guy. 

FICO 8:  EQ:687  TU:728  EX:735

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