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At what point do you give up?

Established Member

At what point do you give up?

Background

Me and my wife filed bankruptcy together. Mainly because I had a 6 year old Garnishment catch up to me I had forgotten about. But my wife had a terrible amount of credit card dept I made $76,000 the year before we filed I only had $26,000 in living expenses and I took away her cards and was trying to pay them down and I couldnt figure out why or how she owed so much. Well $50,000 later i found out she had re ordered and they were pretty much maxed again so I gave up and we filed bankruptcy.

 

Now that it is discharged things were starting to look better till I checked our account and found she had spent $5,000 in one month and we nolonger have an emergency fund / savings and her new cards are maxed out.

 

I have tried everything to get her to calm down and learn to budget but nothing works and the money and financial problems we had before are coming back.

 

The financial stress she is causing is unbearable I work a 21/7 sechedual and I skipped my week home so I am working 42 straight day just because i dont want to be at the house anymore.

 

So my thoughts are at what point should I say financial managment and a budget or im done?

 

I would be happy if she budgeted everything and had a catagory for $100,000 wasteful spending a month because atleast it was budgeted and I could work with her to get the category brought down.

Message 1 of 32
31 REPLIES
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

That is indeed stressful.. If you don't mind me asking, what did she spend the $5,000 on that you had in the savings account?  How long have you been married?  How many kids?  Does she work?  Is she trying to keep up with the jones?

 

First, find out why she needs to spend so much? The things she is spending money on, are they "Needs or Wants"?

 

Secondly, don't have joint accounts with her.  She has proved she cannot be trusted with money so take over the fianances and you and you alone have sole control.  I know it sounds extreme, but sometimes extreme measures have to be taken for goals to be accomplished.

 

Thirdly, does she have a job?  Or is she just a homemaker living it up?

 

Find the root cause of why she is spending so much and start from there.  Walking away should be the last option should all else fail.

Message 2 of 32
Established Member

Re: At what point do you give up?

Yes she has a job she only works a few hours a day to get out of the house. As in her gross income for 2016 was $9,000

I looked at the statement and it's all to walmart and coffee shops. I have no idea as I saw nothing new around the house.

She says she has no idea how she spent that much and most of it had to be me started face palming at this point.

We have been married for 3 years and we have 4 kids "well I married into 4 kids".

I believe she just looks sees there is money and decides it's okay to spend. I switched my checks into a new account but that takes two weeks and in the mean time $675 is due for rent and we don't have it and I have grossed nearly 11k this year already.

I just don't understand we're t all went and makes the overtime I work feel pointless.

2 months $11,000 at 19.95 an hour she has me working my self to death at 70 hour weeks. I am working to save so much because I wanted to buy a house 1/1/17 no matter my credit score with a nice enough down payment. But now it just seems like a lost cause. 

Message 3 of 32
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

Before I proceed based on your response, answer me this.  What age range are you in?  I asked a range that way you don't disclose your actual age.  Also, prior to you marrying her, how was she managing with 4 kids?  What is her age range?

 

Message 4 of 32
Established Member

Re: At what point do you give up?

I am 30 she is 32. She was managing with state assistance.

I was a unemployed collage drop out living with my mom in my 20's when we met.

I took the hard labor of the railroad to support us. We went from $15,000 a year gross to a $70,000 to a $140,000 a year when I decided to go railroad to support us all. Wage depends on furloughs
Message 5 of 32
Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

This is a behavior problem. Need to find out specifically what kind of behavior problem. Is it because she suffers from some sort of depression, and she spends trying to fill a void? Or is she just a straight up brat? Brats come in any age group. 1. Have your paycheck going to a checking account in your name only, preferably at a bank she has zero accounts with. 2. On joint credit cards--- You need to shut her down. Period. 3. Freeze your credit reports. You want to minimize her ability to open accounts using your social security number. Her spending problem is no different than any other addiction, like drugs or alcohol. You can throw everything you got trying to help her, but until she wants to actually do it for herself, nothing will change.
Message 6 of 32
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?


abnormalspring wrote:
I am 30 she is 32. She was managing with state assistance.

I was a unemployed collage drop out living with my mom in my 20's when we met.

I took the hard labor of the railroad to support us. We went from $15,000 a year gross to a $70,000 to a $140,000 a year when I decided to go railroad to support us all. Wage depends on furloughs

You are very young to marry someone with 4 kids. You must be a very patient man and a good one trying to make it work.  Often times when we marry, we often expect the second person to help make the right decision, improve our status financial and other aspects among other things...

 

When we marry, we want to be compatible with whom ever that is making sure their needs, vision aligns with our needs and wants.  In your case, you have already filed BK, can't afford to pay $675 rent wth the salary you make. Are you just a bank's ATM for her? What about the father of the 4 kids, is he paying child support?

 

Already, your life is going downhill and you don't have kids with her yet.  Sit down and evaluate if this marriage is worth saving because clearly things haven't improved and the last thing you want is to work yourself to death.

 

I know you love her and love is a powerful thing but think with your head and think long term. 

 

 

 

 

 

Message 7 of 32
Established Member

Re: At what point do you give up?

I am going to take TheVig advice and see how she reacts.

 

If she is willing to get onboard then things may go well if things go downhill then I will evaluate the situation at the time. Thank you both for the advice.

Message 8 of 32
Regular Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

I know you have worked hard to get a good job and even harder cranking out all of those hours. Unfortunately, those hours take a toll on a relationship. Your wife is bored and lonely and stressed by raising four kids basically alone. I see it around me all of the time, guys working crazy hours to build a life. Meanwhile the marriage crumbles, and they often don't even see it coming. Some women handle it just fine, others not so much. It depends a lot on their emotional needs, family support, history of depression etc. In my personal life, if I even approach 50 hours a week, things start to go downhill at home. It's hard because the only way I have to make more money is to work more hours.

 

Please don't take the above as judgemental or preaching. It's just what I have observed in my own life and talking to many other men and women. I live in SW Pennsylvania and hard physical work and overtime are part of the culture here. I'm sorry you are in this situation and hope it works out for you.

BK CH7 Discharged 03/2015
FICO8 EQ-657 TU-657 EX-665
Revolving credit lines 125k.
Message 9 of 32
Established Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

I think she thinks you will always solve her money problems.  Yes kids do cost alot.  But I think she perhaps feels entittled to "splurge" as a reward for watching the kids while you are away at work.   I would try getting her into and you together into financial therapy.  I would also move all the money into me only acccount and give  her money weekly for food, gas so forth in a her own account.  No joint charge accounts no joint bank accounts.  I would freeze all credit reports also.  Perhaps if she had more hours to work or volunteer she would have less idle time and no urge to shop.  Please see my reply to "entittled" about the house.  My story in the reply is about   close family.  Money clouds a lot of relationships.   Please keep us up to date and good luck. 

Message 10 of 32