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arynamber
Posts: 5
Registered: ‎12-07-2012
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Blended family, Remarry finance questions

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months.. I know people often say it, but it honestly feels like longer for both of us. I moved in 2 months ago.. he needed a roomie and I needed a place. For the most part its been good. Im currently getting unemployment.. and he has a great job but also lots of debt. He pretty much pays the rent, electric, etc and I pay for food and household stuff and give him cash when I can...
My kids are coming back this summer to live with us and I will be getting child support.. and by that time I should also be working. I think my BF is scared of having to "pick up slack"  He made some strange comment the other day about how if we ever get married he wants to keep our finances completely seperate as he likes to go to Starbucks etc and doesnt want me, 'getting mad at him for silly spending"... Im very thrifty.
My question I guess is in looking ahead.. how does one deal with finances in a new marriage (2nd of me and I have three kids)..it seems odd to split everything.. he makes almost 2x the amount I make.. should I always be expected to pay half of all bills. I know I have the kids as well but thats why I get child support.

Just wondering how other blended families work it

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webhopper
Posts: 7,225
Registered: ‎09-16-2011
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Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions


arynamber wrote:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months.. I know people often say it, but it honestly feels like longer for both of us. I moved in 2 months ago.. he needed a roomie and I needed a place. For the most part its been good. Im currently getting unemployment.. and he has a great job but also lots of debt. He pretty much pays the rent, electric, etc and I pay for food and household stuff and give him cash when I can...
My kids are coming back this summer to live with us and I will be getting child support.. and by that time I should also be working. I think my BF is scared of having to "pick up slack"  He made some strange comment the other day about how if we ever get married he wants to keep our finances completely seperate as he likes to go to Starbucks etc and doesnt want me, 'getting mad at him for silly spending"... Im very thrifty.
My question I guess is in looking ahead.. how does one deal with finances in a new marriage (2nd of me and I have three kids)..it seems odd to split everything.. he makes almost 2x the amount I make.. should I always be expected to pay half of all bills. I know I have the kids as well but thats why I get child support.

Just wondering how other blended families work it


A couple of things strike me from your post...  You say he has a lot of debt, and yet is scared for someone to tell him that he "can't have that cup of Starbucks"

This tells me that he isn't really interested in being out of debt or giving up his luxuries,   He might also have been down this road with other partners and had some really bad experiences.

 

I think sharing finances is a really tough thing to do for someone who is used to being independent... giving up financial control is very hard!  And guess what, you don't have to!   As long as you are able to work together then it should be fine.  My husband and I maintain our own seperate accounts, but we are each a joint holder on the others accounts.  I'm responsible for paying bills from our respective accounts.  It works for us!

 

Basically if you are thinking and talking about long term things, then you definately need to be on the same page, and both parties need to be motivated to make it work,   Maybe he's trying to tell you that he's not ready for that step yet! 

 


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sunshine24
Posts: 60
Registered: ‎08-04-2011
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Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

I have two kids, my husband has none. He makes twice what I make but I do work full time and get child support. We've been married 4 years and still keep everything pretty much separate. We each pay about half of the rent/bills. He pays for the car that I drive, I buy groceries, he pays for all of our medical insurance. He will pay for the bigger extras like vacations. He puts a lot more into his retirement savings than I do. We kind of started merging things and started arguing a lot. It wasn't working out because he'd question how much I was spending on the kids and I'd get upset that he spent too much on something for his hobby.

 

From your fiance's perspective, I can see how he'd be scared to suddenly have to support 4 more people on his salary. You'll have to figure it out as you go along. Good luck!


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Croselx
Posts: 139
Registered: ‎07-31-2012
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Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

Try to do it by %. If he earns 75% of income and you earn 25% of income then you should pay 25% of the basics (cell phone, rent, food, utilities, etc) and he should pay 75%.  I wouldn't do anything that may hurt both of you should one party fail such as joint CCs (joint bank accounts which require BOTH signatures may be done, but don't put all your eggs on one basket). Plan a joint budget, some savings (vacations and the like) and an emergency fund.

 

I'm sure it can work fine and will leave more money on the table for each of you compared with costs of living alone. Other areas such as car buying can remain the same (as in you will still be able to afford the same car as if you were single) or may even improve as there may be more money leftover.

 

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FrugalRican
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Registered: ‎02-02-2012
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Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

Ahoy sailor, red flags abound!

It starts with Starbucks and it ends with electronics (or then some!). I don't mind that he wants to keep his finances separate, but he used Starbucks as an excuse for "silly spending". Part of me thinks you two might have rushed the "moving in" part of the relationship, but this isn't what this thread is about.

 

Don't ask us how it should work... ask HIM how you two want to work this out.

Communication is key in this. And if you two don't communicate clearly how to arrange all of this, the doubts and guessing continue. You need to air out this issue.

And I'd also be wondering why he feels like he needs to pick up the slack... he should have known what he was getting himself into beforehand.

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QAMngrGirl
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Registered: ‎11-28-2012
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Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

My boyfriend and I moved in together almost 3 years ago with my 2 children. We have always followed the % rules and have a great budget & open line of communication when it comes to what $$ is needed for what. He makes 2x as much as I do but it figures out to right around 65-75% of the household bills. Getting your joint financial responsibility laid out before just "jumping in" is really important. I knew about the amount of debt he was bringing in, he knew about my not-so-great credit, etc. We've worked through everything with no major issues and stick to our budget really well. If we couldn't agree or communicate about finances, it wouldn't work in the whole relationship. All in all, we chose not to dump all of our money into one account and pay bills as they come in, we have what we are responsible for, from our own accounts. Accountability and responsibility are good things. BUT that could just be me (us). 

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my-own-fico
Posts: 1,313
Registered: ‎01-05-2010
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Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions


Croselx wrote:

Try to do it by %. If he earns 75% of income and you earn 25% of income then you should pay 25% of the basics (cell phone, rent, food, utilities, etc) and he should pay 75%.


 

I see the math, but where is the justification? If you go to the grocery store, will the clerk enter your salary in the register and base the price of milk and bread on it?

 

Are you living within your means?
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drkaje
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Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions

This is a situation that should have been thought-out and discussed way in advance.

 

I'm divorced with three kids. DGF and I split all household bills equally. Kids are here some weekends or whenever they feel like it.


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Repo-ed
Posts: 2,960
Registered: ‎02-09-2012
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Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions


arynamber wrote:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months.. I know people often say it, but it honestly feels like longer for both of us. I moved in 2 months ago.. he needed a roomie and I needed a place. For the most part its been good. Im currently getting unemployment.. and he has a great job but also lots of debt. He pretty much pays the rent, electric, etc and I pay for food and household stuff and give him cash when I can...
My kids are coming back this summer to live with us and I will be getting child support.. and by that time I should also be working. I think my BF is scared of having to "pick up slack"  He made some strange comment the other day about how if we ever get married he wants to keep our finances completely seperate as he likes to go to Starbucks etc and doesnt want me, 'getting mad at him for silly spending"... Im very thrifty.
My question I guess is in looking ahead.. how does one deal with finances in a new marriage (2nd of me and I have three kids)..it seems odd to split everything.. he makes almost 2x the amount I make.. should I always be expected to pay half of all bills. I know I have the kids as well but thats why I get child support.

Just wondering how other blended families work it


Abort! Abort! Abort!

 

This is a train wreck in the making.  If you are on unemployment, and you believe he makes pretty good money (about 2x what you are currently making on unemployment) and he likes to incur debt with no desire to pay it off, your entire family is on a one-way trip to nowhereville.

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HindSight_20_20
Posts: 177
Registered: ‎06-03-2009
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Re: Blended family, Remarry finance questions


my-own-fico wrote:

Croselx wrote:

Try to do it by %. If he earns 75% of income and you earn 25% of income then you should pay 25% of the basics (cell phone, rent, food, utilities, etc) and he should pay 75%.


 

I see the math, but where is the justification? If you go to the grocery store, will the clerk enter your salary in the register and base the price of milk and bread on it?

 


my-own-fico,

Agreed, this type of formula clearly is set aside for 'credit card debt', loans, etc but not for utilities, groceries, and the like - if this was the case OP would only use 25% of the A/C in the summer and 25% of the heat in the winter... The very fact that OP even 'asked' the question ''should I be expected to pay half the bills" is another red flag people aren't pointing out.  At the end of the day there is a lot going on here that against popular belief is not impossible to work out but I'm afraid requires more practicality, experience and planning than I see here IMO. Best of luck to you OP.

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