DH won't discuss bills.....

[Anonymous]

HELP!!!!  I don't know what to do anymore. We've been married for 12 years and in those 12 years, we have spent 11 fighting about finances. He is of the "I made it, I can spend how I want" attitude. I try to save and budget and pay everything when we can. (We're both ADHD so the follow through never happens). We have no savings, have maxed out almost every card we have (this after discharging BK last year). I try to pay the bills the best I can but I'm starting to use the CCs for groceries and eating out. He won't tell me how much he makes, how much is on his CCs, how many times he has to transfer the money he put in savings back to his checking account. I'm at the end of my rope. I have trips that I'm trying to save for but at this rate, I'll be in the ground before we can even start thinking about going anywhere. How do I even start a dialogue without him getting frustrated and just throwing his hands up and walking away?? We have separate checking accounts and I have him give me about $250 at the beginning of the month for bills and then he buys most of the groceries throughout the month (about $550). We have two kids and don't want them to be affected by the money fights and us generally not talking to each other because of this.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for the place you are in right now.

When my husband started getting more responsible with money, we were still having issues. I started by writing all our bils on a calander in the kitchen. Our HOA on the 3rd of the month, the day our waterbill and the amount that was due, electric, phone bill, mortgage grace period cut off lol

Then on an almost daily basis I'd discuss what was in the bank account and what I knew would be coming out and in for the week. It started some fights sure, but it also made him much more aware of how much it cost just to live, and since then he's gotten his spending down.

There was one point when I straight up refused to let him help me with our living expenses, he was spending too much of his own money and when he'd go to offer me $100 of the $400 he had made I simply said, "no, I'll make things work, I don't need your help if you're not going to consider your family first" at the time I was just pi$$ed and I'm stupidly independent, but it ended up playing to his ego as a "man and a provider" and he started contributing more on his own to grocery shopping and bills.

Best of luck and I hope you find something that works for you both!

[youdontkillmoney]

If 11 of 12 was spent fighting regarding finances, what happened during the 1 year there was no fighting about finances?

[Anonymous]

That was before the kids....

[youdontkillmoney]

I think people work together if they have something to work together towards, a shared goal. I wonder if you two discuss a shared goal, a shared financial goal, and what it takes to get there on both of your parts...this way it doesn't seem like you are trying to control him, but he'll be thinking he wants to do so and so financially to reach that goal of his and yours.

[youdontkillmoney]

Also is it possible for you to get a job so you have your own income

[Anonymous]

Well, I have a job. So thats not the issue. We just can't talk about how much/when to pay things.

[Anonymous]

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@Anonymous wrote:
Well, I have a job. So thats not the issue. We just can't talk about how much/when to pay things.

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If you are trying and it is not working, perhaps seeking professional help to better communicate will change things a bit? Have you tried that?

[Anonymous]

DH and I had some of this issue - because his job history is sporadic and I had to put everything in my name.   Finally we opened a joint account - I wrote a list of all the monthly bills - divided it in half and told him he had to contribute that much to the joint account every month.   Then I just pay the bills out of that.

Basically I get paid twice a month - and he gets paid weekly and we each deposit funds on payday - so I spread the bills out over the month  (and even changed a couple due dates) and pay out of the joint account and we always end up OK.   If I have extra funds at the end of the month - I pay ahead on something - or catch up - or move to savings.

 This way he contributes - so I don't get mad - and he doesn't have to worry about when to pay what....... not that he doesn't know.   Just this week he said - Hey the gas bill is about $30 less than normal - that's nice.    So I'll send $30 extra to the car payment or something!