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05-02-2013 06:43 PM
My boyfriend currently has a judgement filed against him from his visa card that has been charged off since 2011. He was sued last year and they began garnishing his wages. He has since switched jobs and the garnishment has not caught up to him yet. I am always reminding him to call the collection agency and try to get a settlement worked out. He makes over $65,000 a year and has nothing to show for it. He spends his money on stupid things instead of taking care of his responsibilies. I find myself getting more and more irritated with him as the days go on. He is 27 and acts like a child. I am smart enough to know that this probably will not change but I really do love the guy and I guess I am just looking to see if anyone else can relate?
05-03-2013 05:33 AM
I can totally relate,
There is more as to why he is this way. I myself have done the same things and a lot of it goes back to my childhood and how things were, things that changed me as a person, even though I didn't know it at the time.
In respect to you, you are right. He should reach out to the CA and work something out because it will eventually catch up to him.
05-03-2013 03:30 PM - edited 05-03-2013 03:30 PM
I guess the question is how willing is he to change his behavior? And if he doesn't, are you willing to stay?
I was married to someone like this. He was a good person, and I would never argue otherwise. But there's a self-destructive streak there that was terribly difficult to deal with. It got to the point our ability to take care of our children became shaky. The choice became to stay with him and watch the kids go without the basics, or get out and try to create some stability for them on my own. I chose the latter.
05-03-2013 03:41 PM
My boyfriend is the same way. At 28 years old, he's basically dependent on me to manage money. Our bank accounts are totally separate, we split bills as a proportion of income ... out of our total combined income, he earns 34%, so he pays 34% of everything to me and I pay the bills. He's not on a salary, so the proportion changes each month. We equally contribute to a separate savings account too. After all is said and done, about 40 -50% of each of our incomes goes to bills and savings. The rest is personal, and I basically save most of the rest too. This method is probably unconventional, but this way we get to maintain the most independence.
It would be a big deal if he didn't acknowledge the problem and allow us to come to some arrangement. And sure, I think some of the stuff he buys is useless, but he seems to be happy ... If you love him, it will work out, but I wouldn't feel bad if his lifestyle is not meeting your expectations. If that's the case, get out early and move on. He should be at least willing to contribute a core amount to things you both need (housing, bills, etc) before taking money to spend on himself.
He's gradually changing to be more responsible. We've been together 6 years, so it's been a gradual thing.
05-05-2013 12:53 PM
Run away and count your blessings that you learned about all of this before you married him. You seem to have tried to help him mend his ways, but he obviously doesn't care enough about his well-being to fix what's broken. As hard as it is to hear this, it would be best if you broke things off with him. Someone wise once told me that it's just as easy to fall in love with someone responsible as someone irresponsible.
05-06-2013 06:51 AM
Be VERY careful. I married someone like that...telling myself he would grow up and become responsible once we had a child. NOPE. At one point I even discovered he had blown our last $200 on a stripper and I couldn't buy groceries (we had a baby at this point). He blamed this on his friends/coworkers...saying they had pressured him into it, he needed to be a "team player'. I finally booted him 4 years ago and I'm still cleaning up the financial mess but I am WAY better on my own.
He is 47 and is now living with and sponging off of his mother because he can't be bothered with getting a real job or figuring out how to take care of himself. He will NEVER change. Don't count on someone changing. If you want to stay with him, I would recommend insisting that he get financial counseling and demonstrating to you BEFORE committing that he can be responsible. Otherwise, move on. Yes, it will be painful...but you are in for a WORLD of pain later and if you are planning on having kids, their lives will be impacted too.
05-10-2013 05:44 PM
Proceed with caution. I can say that my credit was ruined by a relationship with someone who sounds similar to what you've described. If he's 27 and still acts this way, it's unlikely that he'll change unless something major happens.
I don't want to be cold, but I'd suggest stopping and thinking about whether you really love him or whether you just think you do or feel like you should because of the time you've spent with him. I didn't love the person I was with, I just felt obligated to stay with him for a variety of reasons, including a child. I realized after we parted ways that I had never been in love with him, or even been happy with him, but I couldn't see that at the time.
So before you spend any more time taking care of his issues, or getting more wrapped up in them, make sure that you're sure and willing to spend your life dealing with it... and that doing so won't have a negative effect on you as it goes on.
05-10-2013 05:48 PM - edited 05-10-2013 05:48 PM
@electra You were married to my ex?
Yes, this happened to me too, and he never changed even after two kids. He is now 53 years old and finally starting to understand what I was always hollering about.
05-11-2013 12:52 AM
Living with a Peter Pan is tough.
Frankly, I have no interest in spending my life with someone who refuses to grow up. They might be fun for a while, but when things get tough (and at some point, they always do), I want a grown-up by my side.