Did myFICO ruin my relationship?

[IncrsCredScore]

Dw4250, I am hoping that everything works out for you and your girlfriend; however, it appaers she does not have the commitment that you do.  Please never open a joint account with her.  I know from personal experience that this can lead to disaster.  Even when married each partner in the marriage should maintain their own personal checking/banking accounts, totally separate from one another, IMO.

[Dw4250]

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@barbaralee wrote:

I think a program like You Need a Budget would be very beneficial to your girlfriend. I don't mean to sound like a commercial, but YNAB does force the user to be accountable for their spending, and it sounds like she needs to learn some accountability. None of your requests were unreasonable, so I am not sure why she is getting so defensive about it, especially since you are coming from the view of wanting to HELP her. So far she has had it good. You are letting her live rent free!! That is a sweet deal. It is quite obvious she has some sort of problem with money and I am curious where her money is going besides loans. It is disappointing that she seems to be fighting you on this. 

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I will definitely look into that program.  Thx barbaralee!

It's always difficult to be confronted when dealing with a problem, so I have some empathy for her.  But I really tried to approach it from the vantage point of a supportive BF (as opposed to lecturing her).  But I also wanted to be firm and let her know this is something she needs to get a handle on now.  I have gotten to know her family over the past couple of years, and they are all pretty insular people (don't like to talk about their problems).  I think she inherited some of that.  

The bottom line is I cannot honestly see myself marrying someone who cannot reasonably manage her own finances.  Maybe 5 or 10 years ago, I would not have cared as much.  But after my own financial woes (and all the hard work and sacrifice it took for me to get out of debt!), my eyes have been open to importance of good credit and responsible debt management. 

It's also why it is hard for me to accept her answer of getting a 2nd PT job would "stress her out too much".  I'm guessing filing bankruptcy (for the 2nd time in 6 years!) would be way more "stressful" than that.  And that's my dilemma...I fear if she does not change her ways, BK is the path she is heading down.  Do I want to come along for the ride?  The answer is NO!

I will try to support her as much as I can, but I cannot force her to do anything...so the ball really is her court.

[All4One]

Just curious, Have you offered to help setup or even manage the budget for her? I imagine so, but it wasn't ever stated. My wife might not survive if I told her to set up the next months budget, but she does well with following what I have setup(and she agrees to) in the past. 

[IOBA]

I'd have a hard time sticking with this gal with everything you have said.  You can still date her but get her OUT of your house!!  ASAP!!

ASAP!!!

She's had plenty of time to make an effort to pay down debt.  According to her, she DOUBLED her debt while living rent (and pretty much expense) free!

Increased car payment?  Only IF she was super late or she missed a car payment.  That should not have happened.

And do NOT get a personal loan to pay off her debt.  She needs to learn how to manager her finances.  She needs to consolidate, let her go and get a personal loan herself.  

Please, please get her out of your house and far, far away from your assets and valuables!

[p-]

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Dw4250 wrote:...I would never mix finances until I was confident she could manage her own.  She had suggested awhile back we should get a joint account to “share” expenses, but my spidey sense told me that was a bad idea.  I’ve also decided 100% against taking out the loan to help her pay down her CC’s.

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Good call on the spidey sense, man.  There's not enough benefit in you moving her debt into your name to offset the risk.

Let's be fair for a second, though.  When I first met my wife, I was close to geting my car repossesed, and my score was in the 500's.  Now, I run the budget and the money in our household and have both of our scores up very high.  People can learn and change, and love and relationships are bigger than money.

When wifey and I discussed how we would mix our finances, we agreed that I would do the budget and transactions, but report to her everything I did.  We each have our own checking accounts that we spend from, and I transfer money each pay day to a joint account from which all bills are paid, and further transfers are made to savings.  We each have a budget we stick to for joint contributions, and complete control over our individual spending.  We also each have a savings account of our own seperate from the joint account.

If you can get her to sit down with you and lay it all out in the open, and come up with a reasonable budget for bills and spending, there is hope for the relationship.  There really only needs to be one person managing it all anyway, for things to really work right.  In other words, only one MyFican is necessary for success.  Perhaps the conversation should be along the line that you are really good at this stuff, and if she lets you do it for her she won't have to worry anymore....  Set up a budget with her transferring money to a seperate account that covers all of her payments but leaves her with enough for her daily spending, gas, etc.  If she'll agree to give that over to you, I am willing to bet you can manage it for her.

In reality, her contributions will likely start out going exclusively to her own debt, but once it's all under control and some things are paid off, you'll be able to divert more of it to household expenses.  

That may mean another bankruptcy, once you see all of the cards...  Or not.  I can say that our relationship is smoother with one of us handling the details, and both of us having our own money.  But make sure she has overdraft approval turned off... and cut up the credit cards.

Good luck.

[Dw4250]

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@All4One wrote:

Just curious, Have you offered to help setup or even manage the budget for her? I imagine so, but it wasn't ever stated. My wife might not survive if I told her to set up the next months budget, but she does well with following what I have setup(and she agrees to) in the past. 

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I actually did offer awhile back  to help her set up a budget.  I have a great spreadsheet on Excel that has really helped me the last couple of years, and I offered to personalize it for her.  

Yesterday (per barbaralee's suggestion), I offered to help her set up any of the literally dozens of free tools/apps on her iPhone like Mint or You Need A Budget.  She sort of shrugged her shoulders and said she'd look into it, so we'll see if she does it or is just putting me off.

I finally told her last night I want to table the discussion for now (we've pretty much been arguing the past few days).  I told her I'm tired of fighting about this...I told her again I love her and want to help her through this.  If she wants my help figuring this out, I am willing to set aside this whole coming weekend to discuss and plan.  But if we do this, I told her I need her to be completely honest and put everything on the table in terms of her debt/financial obligations.

But as a friend told me yesterday, you cannot want this more than her.  If she is unwilling to make these changes, I will need to reassess the whole relationship.

[odin308]

RUN BRO, RUN!

She's sponging off you and you're letting her. There's no reason she should have ever lived with you for free(this isn't the 1950's. Women can take care of themselves). The unfortunate truth is that if you allow it, MOST people will take advantage of your kindness. You've set up a precedent where she knows you will bail her out. At her income, she should have plenty of money to pay down debt while paying <400 rent.

She needs to pay rent or find a new place to live. She probably won't accept this change because she's used to walking all over you. She doesn't respect you, sorry to say.

Best of luck

[mechanicaljen]

It doesn't sound like she's mature enough for the relationship you two have, sorry to say.

[p-]

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Dw4250 wrote: as a friend told me yesterday, you cannot want this more than her

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 Wise words.  

[cclee]

Yikes, sounds like she's using you, which is sad since you seem so intent on helping her out.  She throws a fit and you give in, gave her more time if she makes up a budget, and she may or may not look into it.  It's pretty disrespectful to you, she may be awesome in some way, but this is something major that she's not awesome at and doesn't have enough respect for you and your relationship to try.  She's definately hiding something, are you sure she still has a job?  350 a month for rent on 50k a year salary, should be cake, something isn't adding up (besides her debt).  I'm a woman and I had 2 different relationships where the bf moved in with me, and then used me, these were serious relationships, I dumped them and married a man that respected me, my money, and our relationship (and he's pretty awesome).