@tmeach wrote:
I am curious- what has been the outcome so far? I hope your GF understands where you are coming from with this. I even hope you mentioned that her debt concerns you for the future you hope to build with her. You sound very rational and reasonable with your expectations, but I am not participating in the conversation you are having with her. I'm sure it has been a difficult process with arguing over finances but believe me, this is better for your sake in the long run.
My husband and I married 6 months after we met, at the time, we thought we had the same philosophy with finances. Well, we were wrong. Nearly 4 years ago, one person had $18K in CCs and 18K in a Sallie Mae loan cosigned for an ex, the other had a credit score in the mid 500s, Fed student loan, behind on taxes and a 17.25% rate on a car loan and NO SAVINGS, not even 401K! (Yes, we married each other knowing how financially unhealthy we were for each other.) Since then, the taxes have been taken care of, we opened a 401K and small investment acct, credit score raised over 100pts, consolidated some CC debt, $7k in CC (which will be paid off the end of the month)and still stuck with the Sallie Mae and the Fed loan. (nothing we can do about the Sallie Mae since it is COSIGNED; we just hound the ex to pay on time and they do).
Looking back, I truly wish we had a bigger discussion about money and been with each other longer to understand how each person handles money We've had numerous arguments about all aspects of money- that were petty or just big blowouts. The arguments would be something along the lines of this: what kind of home to buy, who to buy gifts for and how much to spend, if we loan $20, how soon to expect it back, cutting back on eating out, etc. We were at different wave lengths with controlling our spending but are now beginning to align.
With all that being said....you have every right to worry about how she handles her finances. It affects your emotions, and your potential livelihood with her. For example- what if you start a family with her and she becomes a SAHM? Even with the heartache you are both going through presently, it is much easier NOW, than when you are married with comingled finances, children etc. Like a 1_2 stated, a lot of divorces result from money.
I hope you update us.
OP update us. I'm with everyone else on this. My situation is I'm in my second marriage and my second husband, like my first, does not budget well. Having learned my lesson from the first experience, I don't co-mingle funds and I have a specific minimum amount that the spouse pays.
Past that, I don't worry about his money and spending and he doesn't worry about mine. I do all the budgetting and keep spreadsheets on my budget. It makes me feel better and OP you need to do the same. Otherwise it willl eat at you and you'll feel taken advantage of. Occasionally, you'll still feel that way, but not as much.
My advice is you can keep the relationship if she's a good person, but it doesn't sound like she is. However, do something to make yourself feel better about the situation. She's a grown-up, if she can't meet those terms she needs to leave and you can date or not date. Let's face it. She previously had rent, utilities, and food expenses. She was able to handle them before moving in with you. She can handle them again and you won't have to live with her resentment.
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On paper. With monthly budgets, projections, and all kinds of fabulous things.
