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Valued Contributor
p-
Posts: 2,632
Registered: ‎06-05-2008
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Re: Did myFICO ruin my relationship?


Dw4250 wrote:...I'm not too worried about the psycho/vindictive factor, but again I will be prepared just in case....

 Good luck!

  8-12-14: FICO EXP: 797 - EQU: 734 - TRAN: 739 - AVG: 757 - +207 points from JUN 2008 - MY CREDIT JOURNAL

Established Contributor
mt2va
Posts: 532
Registered: ‎03-20-2009
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Re: Did myFICO ruin my relationship?

After reading your whole post sounds like you've come to the right decision.  I was at a similiar crossroads myself nearly 20 years ago but I went with "love" and then spent 20 years never having any money with my parents' paying for my bankruptcy filing as a wedding present and never being able to get credit or if I could it was with places like Credit One and other predatory lenders.  The few times I could get decent credit it was ruined quickly because of not having the money to make even minimum credit card payments because he wasted away all my money (he rarely worked at all).  Not being on the same page regarding finances is a HUGE issue.  Now that I'm away from him and all his emotional hold on me (which is very difficult) I realize it was crazy to put up with it as long as I did.  I had other issues with him as well but the financial one was a huge one and I finally decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like that.  And I also realized if he truly cared about me/us he wouldn't have put us in that position.

 

As several others have said there is no reason at all if she was living with you essentially rent free (only paying her car/some groceries) that not only did she not have her CC significantly paid off but it actually doubled!  That is insane and it's not going to get better.

 

Best wishes and let us know what happens.

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New Contributor
Shelly313
Posts: 201
Registered: ‎04-02-2014
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Re: Did myFICO ruin my relationship?


mt2va wrote:

After reading your whole post sounds like you've come to the right decision.  I was at a similiar crossroads myself nearly 20 years ago but I went with "love" and then spent 20 years never having any money with my parents' paying for my bankruptcy filing as a wedding present and never being able to get credit or if I could it was with places like Credit One and other predatory lenders.  The few times I could get decent credit it was ruined quickly because of not having the money to make even minimum credit card payments because he wasted away all my money (he rarely worked at all).  Not being on the same page regarding finances is a HUGE issue.  Now that I'm away from him and all his emotional hold on me (which is very difficult) I realize it was crazy to put up with it as long as I did.  I had other issues with him as well but the financial one was a huge one and I finally decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like that.  And I also realized if he truly cared about me/us he wouldn't have put us in that position.

 

As several others have said there is no reason at all if she was living with you essentially rent free (only paying her car/some groceries) that not only did she not have her CC significantly paid off but it actually doubled!  That is insane and it's not going to get better.

 

Best wishes and let us know what happens.


I agree!

 

My husband has excellent credit, and before I met him my credit was ruined (my fault).  After 3 years of being with him, I knew I had to fix my credit and make sure I never put myself In that situation again.  I would never want to put a financial burden on us.  Aside from when the time comes to buy a house I don't want to have to depend on him to co-sign for me, and bring his score down.  With the myfico forums I have learned a lot and also have been able to give him financial advice!  If she cares she should be taking the control over her situation.   It is also clear she didn't learn the first time.

 

in he end you have to do what is best for you.  Each person should be putting 100% into the relationship.  When you are doing more than the other person that is a red flag, and thankfully you can see that.

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Established Member
suliabryon
Posts: 27
Registered: ‎04-18-2013
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Re: Did myFICO ruin my relationship?

[ Edited ]

+1. When I got married, my husband had excellent credit, and I was terrible with money. In hindsight, he should have been the one to handle the budget for sure, but because he was busier than I was job and school-wise, I took it over and it stayed that way. Well, predictably I made some mistakes. However, now I am on these forums all of the time educating myself (and him!) and checking our scores and doing everything possible to rebuild to where his credit was when we got married.

 

It hasn't been anything too horrific - we were able to get our house and do pretty much everything we needed to do. But it was a close thing, and I don't EVER want to be in a place like that again. If everything goes like I hope, the next few months should see our credit back up to 700+, and in a few years when the last of the bad things fall off, hopefully we will be 800+.

 

In so many ways, if I had known back when got married what I know now, things would have gone very differently.

 

 

ETA: Okay, I missed your last big post about the early morning conversation. Holy cow. I don't know how much you make (obviously more than she does) but her throwing it in your face that you are lucky to make whatever you do says a lot about where her mind is at. She makes 50k/year. In my mind, she is lucky! I have a Masters and am only making 30k right now. I am of course actively looking for a job that makes use of my degree and pays more, but I feel very fortunate to have what I do in these economic times. She is fighting you really hard on this. I am so sorry you are having this issue, it must be very painful to be considering taking the steps you are, but it does look like you have very little choice.

Starting Scores (4/1/2014): Mine 654 Ex/639 Eq/ 641 TU DH 650 Eq
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taylorsmithone
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎04-11-2014
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Re: Did myFICO ruin my relationship?

[ Edited ]

myFICO has not ruined your relationship, incompatibility and charity will.  While I believe that people can change behaviors if they are strongly motivated to do so, your gf has made the conscious choice to be cash poor and fiscally irresponsible. 

 

I agree with others that you are acting from a place of love and understanding, letting her live rent free, offering to create and manage her budget, and considering taking out personal debt to "help" her. The reality is that most marriages end in an untimely fashion due to financial woes. So, why start now while you are just dating? Ask yourself, 'What would Suze Orman do?"

 

In order to make this relationship work: 1) you would have to accept that she maybe a shopping addict and she may not have the capacity (or maturity, right now) to handle money. I have friend who I withdrew from for over a year bc I couldn't not stand by and watch her reckless attitude towards money. She was a just friend, not a potential life partner! Her attitude affected me. I felt guilty every time we went out bc I knew she could not afford the train fare yet she'd spent $30 on a meal! She'd have to wait outside for me as I bought clothes at Forever 21 in order to control her urge!

 

She had accrued over $85k in personal debt. That's sans student loans from under and grad school. She often felt helpless, as if tackling her debt was futile. She is a teacher and serial under-earner. She actually convinces herself to take lower paying jobs or tutoring gigs rather than working full time in public school system where she can get great benefits and salary ($70K+). She reasoned why work for money if I can't enjoy it, if I have to give it all away to debtors.  She fails to realized that they "loaned" her "their" money, a relationship she continues to abuse. She sings of wanting to marry a "rich" man or "IT or wall-street" type who can take care of her!! I reminded her that no rich man in his right mind would want to make her his wife, unless he had some savior or narcisst complex.

 

My friend fights her impulsive nature and loses.  I recommended she see a therapist and join a support group years ago.  These seemed to work for a short time. When she was not held accountable to her mentors, she fell off the horse.  

 

2) Option 2 is to ask your gf to leave and go back to her parent's home.  She has to know that you are serious. Her spending or lack of allowing you to help her is a BIG deal breaker.  You want your future partner to be a team player. What other poor decisions will she make in the future?

 

Also, I get the feeling you do not want to inherit and eventually pay $100K of her debt. I say $100k bc if she pays $900/month on student loans, her loans maybe close to $90K. I pay $350/month on student loan debt of $33K @ %6.8 interest.  (You know where my tax refund and 0% interest credit card promo monies are going!!) Her denial and your gullibility will cost you over a decade of headache.  That's if she no longer accrues debt, and you pay $10K of her debt off every year!

 

If she comes around, and seriously does a 180, allowing you to manage her bills, cut up the credit cards, and turn off overdraft, then maybe invite her back in a year or so.  Right noe, she really needs a timeout!

 

 

3) Option 3- RUN! PASS GO. GO DIRECTLY elsewhere.   Everyone around you will understand that her inability to be responsible, pragmatic, open-minded, and realistic is a deal-breaker.

 

As we all know, the better your credit score and liquid assests, the greater opportunities you have to make future money. So she is impacting your future financial worth. Think about the $5K in rent money you could have invested in Google or P&G stock had she paid her share of her rent!  

 

You are not her parents!

You are not responsible for her well-being.  

DO NOT BE AN ENABLER!!

Regular Contributor
JediNeo
Posts: 222
Registered: ‎11-22-2013
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Re: Did myFICO ruin my relationship?

I noticed in your original post you mention that you didn't notice an excesses spending but her debt has doubled. Perhaps she has a hidden addiction (gambling/drugs) you are unaware of. By showing you her CC bills (cash advance?) You will finally know he secret and really leave her.

 

That's just my thinking from left field. I'm sorry you have to go through this. 

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Valued Contributor
Jazzzy
Posts: 2,679
Registered: ‎07-29-2009
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Re: Did myFICO ruin my relationship?

Dw4250, have you asked that she order one of her free credit reports for the two of you to look at together? You need to see her total debt, and her credit report is a good start. It will also show you if she has delinquent payments.

 

If she is not willing to let you see her full report, that says a lot. It's not that YOU don't trust HER...and that's what she will accuse you of. It's that SHE doesn't trust YOU...she doesn't trust how you will react when you see the report.

 

You are making a choice here...the choice to live this way...or NOT to live this way. Make that choice carefully. It will color the rest of your life...and your childrens' lives.

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Raycarv1
Posts: 8
Registered: ‎04-19-2014
0

Re: Relationship and money: A cautionary Tale

"I wouldn't want to discourage anyone from being with someone that they love, but I would pause before popping the question or (God forbid) having kids."

 

I am at the tail end of what could happen to the person who initiated the post. I have been with my girl friend and mother of my three children for 25 years. we dated for two years and all the signs of life and money mismanagement was there, but I kept thinking she was a good person and I loved her, and all i had to do was be supportive and guide her to  a position of responsible money and life management. With my urging she completed a BA Business, but never turned her education into a career. For about five years she work at jobs well below her education. Then she didn't want to do that kind of work anymore. I suggested she try public education because I was a high school admiistrator and had a few contacts in the area. She went back to school, got her teaching credential and worked at Montessori Schools for two years, and quit because it was too stressful. Next job was an assistant to a financial advisor for three years, then the aesthetic industry for three more. She was recent let go because of a hostile take over. In a few months, that company will no longer exist. Two months ago she got another job with another aesthetic company.

 

During all this time she amassed credit cards fron every department store, maxed them out and eventually they were canceled. At the end of the months, the utilitybills couldn;t be found, so we were frequently late--not because we couldn;t afford it.

 

I saw all of this and though I loved her and we have three children, I never married her, because I was convinced, at the least she would become even more irresponible or at the worse find a way to get out of being employed. Before any one judge me too harshly for this decision, I will just say when you have children everything becomes complicated. I

 

She is now making $60K. She has $60K in student loan debt. Sallie Mae wants to raise he student loan payment to $800/month. She has nothing in savings and is worried that she will never be able to pay off her student loan debt or retire.

In her defense we now have 2 children in college and we are helping them. Our third child will be going to the community in september.

 

I have been encouraging her to go back to school and get on a career track instead of going from one job to another. Five years ago she went to live wwith her sister (rent free) because she found a job close to her. I took care of our three sons and she came home on the weekends. It was very difficult on both of us but she had to go where the job was, and she was going to begin a nursing program. This never happened. And though she live rent-free for three years she never saved a dime. I tried to turn her on to credit education sitess like MYfico, credit karma and credit sesame. Nothing.

 

 I am currently retired and making $58,000K and she is eyeing this as her nest egg. Please understand: 25 years, three children, love, history, difficult time, good times--we've been through it all. 

 

This weekend we went out for drinks and was having a great time (we can do this now that our children are grown) and somehow the topic of finances came up. It ended in a huge argument. Finally, I go so mad that I told her she needs to get her **bleep** together because i she doesnt, when our last son is successfully launched, I am moving to Hawaii without her. I told her I am not going to end up in poverty because of her. It has been a struggle raising three children,but we have done it well. Neither of us cut any corners. We havent spoken in two days and that's just fine. 25 years and finally I think it's too much. Have I made mistakes with my finances? yes. Lots of them, but Ihave learned. It seems some people never learn regardless of the support system they have. 

 

 

Regular Contributor
NikoD
Posts: 148
Registered: ‎02-25-2014
0

Re: Did myFICO ruin my relationship?


JediNeo wrote:

I noticed in your original post you mention that you didn't notice an excesses spending but her debt has doubled. Perhaps she has a hidden addiction (gambling/drugs) you are unaware of. By showing you her CC bills (cash advance?) You will finally know he secret and really leave her.

 

That's just my thinking from left field. I'm sorry you have to go through this. 


Maybe so. However, my first thought when he mentioned a lack of spending was that her original CC debt when she moved in was a lot more than $5000. If she lied about the amount of CC debt out of embarrassment, she may be too afraid to admit she lied now. Maybe $10,000 (if that's the true amount) is actually a lot less than what she started out with. Of course if she's lying about her spending/debt that's yet another problem. Anyway, that's just my thoughts on what the OP wrote.

Contributor
1_2
Posts: 161
Registered: ‎03-06-2012
0

Re: Did myFICO ruin my relationship?

Since money is the number one reason for divorce I definitely would table any notions of marriage at this point. 

 
I would probably offer to take over her finances. Watch her expression carefully when you do. I would then explain that "taking over her finances," means that she gives you her credit cards for safe keeping. She gives you her login/usernames and passwords for all bills and her bank account and explain that since its all so stressful for her, that you will start paying them for her..out of her bank account of course. 
 
IF she is on the level, she wont have a problem with this arrangement and will be grateful for your help. Some people really just can't pay bills. 
 
IF she is lying..she will fly off the handle, accuse you of being a control freak or something. You aren't though. 
 
I would also be checking her closets and trunk..she may just be a shopaholic. Often times men don't realize just how much we woman can spend on clothes, personal pampering, hair, nails etc. It can truly get out of hand. I have a friend who suffers from this disorder. She will buy clothes, get full spa treatments and then worry about how she is going to pay her electric bill. It's hard for me to feel sorry for her although I know she needs professional help...she doesn't think so. 
 
Dressed like a queen and she looks good for her age, she is forever late on all her bills and was even refused for a secured credit card. Her credit is so bad she can't even get a checking account any more. I have known her for 30 years and she has progressively gotten worse over the years, she refuses to listen to reason about her finances and now she is 60 years old and won't ever be able to retire. She has been married 3 times and all 3 husbands went bankrupt while married to her. 
 
Her life isn't one I would wish on anyone...but she brought it all on herself. 
 
I would hate to see someone who sounds as responsible as you go down that path. 







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