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Regular Contributor
tpatterson2k9
Posts: 154
Registered: ‎04-04-2011
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship


lovinlifeinkc wrote:
While I believe finances are a huge part of a relationship in general I don't think anyone wants to be told by a boyfriend or how to spend the money they earned. My opinion is unless you plan on merging your money don't worry about how anyone spend their cash.

Though I do appreciate and respect your opinion, I offer the analogy of an addict who spends all of their money on drugs.  Would you not try to help this person cease their drug habit and save their money? 

 

My girlfriend still lives at home and has been all through the last 5 years she's been working at a dental office.  In that time, she has amassed zero savings (other than the tax refund she just got, which I'm sure will get spent) and she eventually wants to go to dental school (expensive).  I look at trying to get her to save on interest as helping her learn to save her money for decades down the line when it comes to retirement.  Even if she doesn't get her finances in order with me, I feel that if I could help her understand the importance of not paying interest and saving her money, that equates to less burden on taxpayers as a whole when fifty years from now she retires.  Otherwise, she would be relying heavily on the system to support her, which of course will come from taxpayer funds.


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dmbtay
Posts: 125
Registered: ‎03-01-2012
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

Well, my wife and I just got married 5 months ago.  We combined our accounts 2 years ago, and basically have built a stronger credit portfolio (her credit + my income).  The biggest challenge is that I am a spender, and she is a saver.  At the end of the day its not whose money was spent on what, its what the overall mutual goals are, and is each person doing their part to achieve them. 

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lovinlifeinkc
Posts: 154
Registered: ‎12-21-2011
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

I see. 


tpatterson2k9 wrote:

lovinlifeinkc wrote:
While I believe finances are a huge part of a relationship in general I don't think anyone wants to be told by a boyfriend or how to spend the money they earned. My opinion is unless you plan on merging your money don't worry about how anyone spend their cash.

Though I do appreciate and respect your opinion, I offer the analogy of an addict who spends all of their money on drugs.  Would you not try to help this person cease their drug habit and save their money? 

 

My girlfriend still lives at home and has been all through the last 5 years she's been working at a dental office.  In that time, she has amassed zero savings (other than the tax refund she just got, which I'm sure will get spent) and she eventually wants to go to dental school (expensive).  I look at trying to get her to save on interest as helping her learn to save her money for decades down the line when it comes to retirement.  Even if she doesn't get her finances in order with me, I feel that if I could help her understand the importance of not paying interest and saving her money, that equates to less burden on taxpayers as a whole when fifty years from now she retires.  Otherwise, she would be relying heavily on the system to support her, which of course will come from taxpayer funds.


 

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Regular Contributor
lovinlifeinkc
Posts: 154
Registered: ‎12-21-2011
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

Congrats on the marriage.  Wishing you both the best.

Starting Score Aug 2011 590/ Gardening until 2013!!
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bvick27
Posts: 58
Registered: ‎09-29-2010
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

I never thought that financial issues could really create an end to a relationship but I was recently proved wrong! I got married 3 years ago and quickly learned that my wife came with alot of debt and credit issues. I couldn't really judge because while I had less debt, my credit was pretty miserable ( about 7k in student loans and 5k in delinquent ignored charge offs with a credit score around 450.) Shortly after we got married, I realized I needed to grow up and manage my finances. I quickly paid off all delinquent debt and brought my credit scores to a 610 within 6 months of it. I got my first credit cards in years (Amex Zync, Navy Fed Cash Back 7.5k, and Military Star 2.5k.) I now have credit scores around 660 (not great but on my way) and no real debt other than student loans which i have been on time on for over 2 years now. Througout this time I was talking to my wife about what we could do to repair her credit and get her out of debt. I am not the ideal saver but I work at it. She, on the other hand, was constantly asking for money because she would run out before her next pay day (we made roughly the same income totaling 75k) and I simply caved. She consistantly made poor financial decisions even when she said she understood what I was trying to teach her and planned to change and take care of things. She never did. I enabled this behavior because I was financially stable enough to provide vacations and cars and other luxuries that she could not contribute to. In the end, I found out 4 weeks ago she was having an affair. I am in Afghanistan and can't even file for divorce yet. She said she had become unhappy in our marriage because I put such a pressure on her in the financial realm (realistically I offered to even take over fixing her credit and all finances.) She said she felt like she was not an equal and I didn't treat her as one when it came to that stuff. Needless to say, it has lead to us getting divorced and I never thought me trying to fix everything would. C'est la vie! In short, simply being the one who is willing and able to handle finances can cause a relationship to fail when the other can not do the same.


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drkaje
Posts: 3,491
Registered: ‎07-25-2008
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

I feel for ya bvick. This may read harsh but do whatever I takes to separate financials now.

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FrugalRican
Posts: 2,876
Registered: ‎02-02-2012
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

I'm glad that my DGF wasn't in the least offended when we compared financials, budgets, credit reports...

And honestly, if I ever end up dating again, if I dated anyone that avoided the conversation about it, I wouldn't see that relationship past the dating phase. Crude, but honest, and I'd stick to it.

The conversation needs to at LEAST happen.


Last thing I need is "Surprise, I have debt coming out of every pore in my body, mind and soul."

 

I don't want someone who is perfect, just someone who is willing to be open about either being responsible or the desire to do so.

 

We've agreed to keep our finances separate but most of the "joint expenses" coming from one joint bank account.
I could care less if she goes to buy some shoes as long as I know that everything for the month is paid and accounted for. It helps SO much to know that that aspect of the relationship is completely taken care of.

 

Now if only I could solve the mystery of how when I ask if something is wrong and she says "Nothing"... the quickness of her answer to the question is inversely proportional to the amount of rage within her at that point in time...

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HoldingOntoHope
Posts: 1,057
Registered: ‎09-29-2009
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship


bvick27 wrote:

I never thought that financial issues could really create an end to a relationship but I was recently proved wrong! I got married 3 years ago and quickly learned that my wife came with alot of debt and credit issues. I couldn't really judge because while I had less debt, my credit was pretty miserable ( about 7k in student loans and 5k in delinquent ignored charge offs with a credit score around 450.) Shortly after we got married, I realized I needed to grow up and manage my finances. I quickly paid off all delinquent debt and brought my credit scores to a 610 within 6 months of it. I got my first credit cards in years (Amex Zync, Navy Fed Cash Back 7.5k, and Military Star 2.5k.) I now have credit scores around 660 (not great but on my way) and no real debt other than student loans which i have been on time on for over 2 years now. Througout this time I was talking to my wife about what we could do to repair her credit and get her out of debt. I am not the ideal saver but I work at it. She, on the other hand, was constantly asking for money because she would run out before her next pay day (we made roughly the same income totaling 75k) and I simply caved. She consistantly made poor financial decisions even when she said she understood what I was trying to teach her and planned to change and take care of things. She never did. I enabled this behavior because I was financially stable enough to provide vacations and cars and other luxuries that she could not contribute to. In the end, I found out 4 weeks ago she was having an affair. I am in Afghanistan and can't even file for divorce yet. She said she had become unhappy in our marriage because I put such a pressure on her in the financial realm (realistically I offered to even take over fixing her credit and all finances.) She said she felt like she was not an equal and I didn't treat her as one when it came to that stuff. Needless to say, it has lead to us getting divorced and I never thought me trying to fix everything would. C'est la vie! In short, simply being the one who is willing and able to handle finances can cause a relationship to fail when the other can not do the same.


Her issues are bigger than the financial. She's just using that as an easy blame and to put the responsibility on you. You don't have to buy into it. I'm not saying you had zero responsibility for the way this came about, but financial immaturity is a sign of immaturity in other areas of your life and decision making too. It took me more years of bad experience on my own than I care to admit to learn this. Hence my siggy line.:smileysad:

Best financial advice I ever got: "Just imagine what an adult would do and do that."

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Valued Contributor
IOBA
Posts: 2,697
Registered: ‎08-13-2009
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

bvick27 - Thank you for your service.   And please, let the door hit her behind on the way out!   Make sure you have your banking separate, your credit cards in your name only, and put a FREEZE on your credit reports.   

 

How did you find out about the cheat?

 

You might want to have a buddy or JAG, file separate papers so you don't get dragged through the mud financially before the divorce is done.

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Epic Contributor
haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,098
Registered: ‎04-01-2007
0

Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship


bvick27 wrote:

I never thought that financial issues could really create an end to a relationship but I was recently proved wrong! I got married 3 years ago and quickly learned that my wife came with alot of debt and credit issues. I couldn't really judge because while I had less debt, my credit was pretty miserable ( about 7k in student loans and 5k in delinquent ignored charge offs with a credit score around 450.) Shortly after we got married, I realized I needed to grow up and manage my finances. I quickly paid off all delinquent debt and brought my credit scores to a 610 within 6 months of it. I got my first credit cards in years (Amex Zync, Navy Fed Cash Back 7.5k, and Military Star 2.5k.) I now have credit scores around 660 (not great but on my way) and no real debt other than student loans which i have been on time on for over 2 years now. Througout this time I was talking to my wife about what we could do to repair her credit and get her out of debt. I am not the ideal saver but I work at it. She, on the other hand, was constantly asking for money because she would run out before her next pay day (we made roughly the same income totaling 75k) and I simply caved. She consistantly made poor financial decisions even when she said she understood what I was trying to teach her and planned to change and take care of things. She never did. I enabled this behavior because I was financially stable enough to provide vacations and cars and other luxuries that she could not contribute to. In the end, I found out 4 weeks ago she was having an affair. I am in Afghanistan and can't even file for divorce yet. She said she had become unhappy in our marriage because I put such a pressure on her in the financial realm (realistically I offered to even take over fixing her credit and all finances.) She said she felt like she was not an equal and I didn't treat her as one when it came to that stuff. Needless to say, it has lead to us getting divorced and I never thought me trying to fix everything would. C'est la vie! In short, simply being the one who is willing and able to handle finances can cause a relationship to fail when the other can not do the same.


Crap, I'm so sorry; this is the last thing you need to find out about when you're deployed, especially in a hellhole like Afghanistan.

 

You chose to grow up; she chose to remain childish, and manipulative, and (sorry) a con artist.

 

A successful relationship needs both parties to be on pretty much the same level of maturity. Sure, one person will be better at some things, and the other will be better at others. But they should be able to set common goals, and common plans, and work together to get where they want to be, and each one hold himself/ herself responsible in the process.

 

If you have any joint credit with her, close it now. Don't worry about possible consequences of closing; keeping the accounts open is far more dangerous. You don't owe her anything. She had the chance to change and grow along with you, and she decided not to, and even more, she betrayed you. You've done all you should do for her and more, and you now need to take care of yourself.

 

Mark it off to one of those painful lessons that we all have to eventually endure, and move on.

 

In the meantime, thanks for being there for the rest of us, and stay safe, and come home and start a new life with everything that you have so painfully learned.

* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
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