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Moderator Emeritus
beamMEup
Posts: 4,473
Registered: ‎12-31-2008
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

So true! 

 

(And OP,  I love the "how rude!" reply  :smileyvery-happy: - a serious maturity indicator all on its own)

Just puttin' syrup on something, don't make it pancakes.
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haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,115
Registered: ‎04-01-2007
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship


haulingthescoreup wrote:

It can be hard growing up, I guess. Especially if you're a bit scared to take on all the hard work that's involved.

 

Maybe if she hears that she needs to do some maturing for your relationship to work, she might take it to heart. Maybe she'll dismiss you as a jerk and continue in her ways.

 

Not much that you can do to change other people, unfortunately.


Whoops! OP, I hope you realize that I wasn't saying that you're a jerk! :smileyvery-happy: Because you're not; I think you're being very realistic about things that are important in a relationship.

 

I was trying to say that that's how some people dismiss others who speak uncomfortable truths.

 

whew...

* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007
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tpatterson2k9
Posts: 154
Registered: ‎04-04-2011
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship


haulingthescoreup wrote:

haulingthescoreup wrote:

It can be hard growing up, I guess. Especially if you're a bit scared to take on all the hard work that's involved.

 

Maybe if she hears that she needs to do some maturing for your relationship to work, she might take it to heart. Maybe she'll dismiss you as a jerk and continue in her ways.

 

Not much that you can do to change other people, unfortunately.


Whoops! OP, I hope you realize that I wasn't saying that you're a jerk! :smileyvery-happy: Because you're not; I think you're being very realistic about things that are important in a relationship.

 

I was trying to say that that's how some people dismiss others who speak uncomfortable truths.

 

whew...


I know what you meant hauling.  Her and I actually had a good conversation about this and she sort of put me in a corner.  She got on me because I have lost about $20,000 in the stock market this year and she feels that my financial decisions are more destructive than hers (even though she is paying interest on a high APR CC).  I was at a loss as to how to defend myself on this one other than that at least I am not giving my money to the banks just so they can benefit their stock holders.  Perhaps I need to invest in the CCC that she is paying all this interest to...who knows.


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2011creditfix
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎08-12-2011
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

Not pretty and it's even more complicated than this, but my husband didn't pay our mortgage for two months and hid it from me.  It was only when they called my place of employment that the truth came out.  He gave me a very complicated 1/2 truth answer and then after promising to tell me if he couldn't get the payment in on time to let me know, he let it go 30 days 2 more times.  He also let our joint credit card go late 2x 30 days.  We've always kept separate finances our entire marriage -14 years.  I pay all the household bills, cars, insurance,  daycare, children's general expenses, etc.  He pays the mortgage, cable/cell bills, and occasional groceries/eating out, and his own gas and spending money.  He's 100% commission and we're never really sure when the checks will come in.  

 

After this situation, I lost a lot of trust.  My credit score went from very good to just good.  I am currently contemplating divorce. (Again, much more complicated than lying about money.)  I want to make sure that when all is said and done, I'm leaving the relationship in good credit standing and with the ability to purchase my own home for the children and me at a reasonable rate.  

8/12/11- TU: 729 EQ: 691 Goal to increase to 750 in the next year
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haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,115
Registered: ‎04-01-2007
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

Ouch! :smileysad:

 

I'm all for dividing up responsibilities for payments, if that's what makes sense for a couple, but IMO, any jointly-held credit (mortgages, CC's, etc.) should be reviewed monthly by each person to make sure that everything is OK.

 

That's the killer about joint credit; it only takes one person to mess up for both people's credit to be damaged, and there's rarely much recourse.

* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007
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ptr2593
Posts: 1,486
Registered: ‎08-14-2011
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

Ok maybe I'm missing something here, but I can't get this thought out of my head after reading the OP.

 

Your GF was hesitant to get a CC because she was worried she wouldn't be able to control her spending.  Now she has a CC and refuses to use it for the same reason.

 

Isn't refusing to use it a sign that she can control her spending?  In my mind, keeping a CC in the sock drawer is equivalent to managing your spending from a practical point of view.  Does that make sense?

If you can keep yourself from using a card, why can't you also keep yourself from overcharging?

 

Seems like she's worried about nothing! 

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haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,115
Registered: ‎04-01-2007
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

Well, I see what you're saying, but to me it's more like buying a Ferrari and refusing to drive it, fearing that you'll take it up to 120 and either crash or get an amazing ticket.

 

IMO, that's different from buying a high-powered car, but driving it skillfully and responsibly.

 

And if someone is too terrified to back the Ferrari down the driveway, then it's probably a good thing to leave it in the garage!

 

OK, I've tortured this analogy farther than necessary. :smileyvery-happy:

* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007
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barbaralee
Posts: 302
Registered: ‎03-13-2008
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

This is a good thread. My mistake was that I learned credit from my ex husband. He had an "as long as we can pay the min. we can afford it" mentality. I lived like that for too long. Then we divorced and I had to really learn how to utilize credit. I took everything that I learned to heart and it very much became a way of living for me. I told myself "Never again will you be in a financial mess due to your own follies" and I try hard to stand by my "Never Agains". 

 

Enter boyfriend.

 

SO is very frugal minded. He is of the school "only charge what you can afford". COMPLETE oppsote of Ex. By the time SO came into the picture I had already settled into my current financial routine, and his  was surprisingly similar to mine.

 

There was one thing: My SO is the type of person who if he believes it is good advice he will follow it down to the letter. Years ago his mother got him a $500 Cap1 card and told him to run all of his charges on it to build credit. So he was literally maxing out his cc every month and paying it off. When I realized what he was doing I held my tongue. We were early in the relationship, and I didn't feel it was my place. After a year I couldn't help myself and one day when he was paying off his card I burst out "Stop doing that!!"

 

That started a discussion on utilization. He contemplated what I told him. My heart was beating. I was thinking I was in "mind your own finances" territory.  Finally he said "That makes sense." He googled articles. Read some forum posts. Said he didn't know why it hadn't occur to him before. From that day on he utilized no more than 30% on that measly little $500 card. He has since upgraded to USAA with a reasonable credit limit, but he is still a stickler for the utilization rule. :smileyvery-happy:

 

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gsxr1
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎07-01-2009
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

[ Edited ]

I understand your side of the coin, free money is free money... no brainer, right?  But, I also understand her side.  And, from what you wrote, I dont understand how you think she doesnt have a general idea of her monthly budget or spending when you said yourself that she doesnt think she could manage to only charge on the CC what she could afford each month. 

 

So, lets think about this, by her knowing what she could afford each month literally means that she does, at the very least, have a general idea of her monthly budget.  And you say that by her not using the rewards card, that indicates to you that she wouldnt know how to control her spending later down the line?  How do you equate the two?  By her saying she doesnt want to use the CC because she thinks she may charge more than she could afford monthly clearly indicates she IS in control of her spending, NOW. 

 

So why wouldnt she be in control in the future if she's limiting herself now?  And obviously she has above average credit in the first place to be approved for an Amex card, so she has managed to keep her finances and credit use in check up until the point of meeting you, correct?!  It sounds to me as though she's doing an alright job as it is and you shouldnt be so critical.  If not using a CC-even one that gives her a cash bonus (and probably a small one at that)-  is her way of controlling her spending, then so be it.  In her mind, the risk of overspending and potentially paying fees and interest doesnt outweigh the reward of the small cash bonus. 

 

Obviously I dont know you two and there may be other factors at play here that readers dont know about you two, but from what you've said in your post here is my opinion:  There are plenty of worse things in life, so, my opinion- hopefully you've laid this argument to rest with your GF, because from what you've said, she doesnt deserve to be judged so harshly over something so trivial.  Especially when you two arent married and have no joint financial standards that you've agreed to uphold with each other. 

 

Now when you guys are married and you find out that she got a CC and didnt tell you about it because you get a call from a collection company one day, and she's been having the monthly statement mailed to her parents house or to her work address so you dont find out that she's maxed it out, THEN i'd say you definitely have a valid reason to be critical, harsh, and over-judgemental.

 

:smileyhappy:  (mod edit)

 

 

 So, i just read the rest of the posts and all the additonal info. you gave about your GF and her other CC, etc.  And i must say that she does sound immature and a tad irresponsible....lol ....and it may do her some good to listen to your advice or at the very least, consider it.  However, I still stand by my opinion from what we all knew from the original post.  There are worse things in life, and you both sound young and just under experienced (maybe her moreso than you).  It'll work itself out if you're meant to be.

 

 

edit to add: I removed your first name. :smileyhappy: We try to discourage posting any personally identifiable info, including names, even if they're just first names. You can do so, of course, but in case you decide that you'd rather not have it out there, I took it out for now. --hauling

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tpatterson2k9
Posts: 154
Registered: ‎04-04-2011
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Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationship

Yes, it is a number of behaviors I have seen her display that make me worried about her financial contribution or the lack thereof in a long-term relationship.  We are still together now as we work to finish up college.  The thing is, she wants to be a dentist which entails taking on hefty student loans, so I am curious to see how she handles that situation when it comes along.  I don't plan on committing to a very serious relationship until I have established a career for myself, so maybe by the time I get that going she will have come around to avoiding interest and using her money wisely.  One can only hope...


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