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Senior Contributor
drkaje
Posts: 3,492
Registered: ‎07-25-2008
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Re: GF problems

[ Edited ]

localuser wrote:
It is but it will prove she is more at fault then he is... I like people knowing the truth.

They are the ones who spoiled her and already know the truth. :smileyhappy:

 

@OP,

 

If the simple solution won't do; don't let her use credit cards anymore.

 


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localuser
Posts: 140
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Re: GF problems

[ Edited ]

So you guys would just let her throw you under the bus?  I would never and have never taken that from a woman.  I was raised by someone who wants the truth from anyone even if its to prove his kids were wrong and that is how I will be.  

So this could maybe say Hey what could we do to help this situation

And she knows he is taking notes on her since he is controlling the finance :smileyvery-happy:

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thankfulheart
Posts: 619
Registered: ‎09-26-2011
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Re: GF problems


webhopper wrote:
The problem with this scenario is that you are enabling her irresponsibility. You aren't helping her. She has the financial maturity of a teenager because you are enabling her to be that way. If this were me.... I would get seperate accounts TODAY. And she would pay half of all joint bills. If she cant pay half; send her home to mom and dad until she can. Seriously this is unhealthy and you need to stop.

AMEN!!! 

 

PLEASE do not become my father who, at 75 years old still has to work to pay off a mortgage for the 3rd or 4th time, plus tens of thousands of dollars in CC debt that gets racked up each time he clears it off with another cash-out refi thanks to my mother's out of control spending and utter disinterest in anything to do with money management. His life's quote? "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them".  How utterly sad that makes me.

 

I've recently gone through a financial hubbub myself with my estranged husband and learned that the best thing we could do was to have separate accounts. His/Mine, the twain never meet.

 

You are waaaayyy too young to get tangled up in this kind of drama. Give yourself a chance to grow up and explore the great big ocean out there before settling for someone who doesn't respect you enough to honor your contributions and presence.

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Senior Contributor
drkaje
Posts: 3,492
Registered: ‎07-25-2008
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Re: GF problems


localuser wrote:

So you guys would just let her throw you under the bus?  I would never and have never taken that from a woman.  I was raised by someone who wants the truth from anyone even if its to prove his kids were wrong and that is how I will be.  

So this could maybe say Hey what could we do to help this situation

And she knows he is taking notes on her since he is controlling the finance :smileyvery-happy:


John Wayne had the perfect quote on this, LOL!

 

My point is the truth would help no one in this situation. Knowing who's spending what, where, and how is useless. If there's a magical, low self-esteem reason he's trying to please her parents that's still not going to be helped by them having proof of what they already know.

 

At best, he can minimize the damage by letting her be 100% responsible for her own finances. No one's asked "Why isn't she using her own credit card?!" because we already know, LOL!

 

He's been dealing with her 4 years. At some point a man has to live righteously and say "I'm allowing this to happen and am the only one who can make a change". If he truly loves the woman and wants a life together, he should be committed to her growth. She's not going to grow being babied and their financial future will be cloudy with this kind of financial mismanagement. She's not going to learn what's needed without being forced to grow up.

 


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afk
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Registered: ‎09-29-2012
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Re: GF problems

I'm a newbie - but I'm going to disagree on the Joint Account thing.

 

We did that - and my name was first on the account. I found myself covering overdrafts.. and more overdrafts.. so I quit enabling and covering the debt, thinking my spouse would learn. My spouse was sorry, they were going to pay it, they did pay it but the bank screwed up and it didn't reflect in the statement... and the bank closed the account in "our" names and it is overdrawn over $2K.  My spouse is supposedly paying $20/week in cash at the bank on this account. I don't believe that is actually happening but I have not checked - there are too many other bills to focus on. A collection agency was calling for a while, I'm not sure where they went.

 

I love my spouse; but they are *horrible* at money management. We are in our 40s so I don't think they will "learn". Did I see this coming? Yes, but I fooled myself into thinking it wasn't that bad. I was wrong.

 

My take is if you want to make this work, ask yourself if you can live with her lack of money management. When you are 40, and it is exactly the same, will you resent her? Or will you have accepted it already and it is not an issue? If you choose to accept that this is how she is and she probably will not change, then you might want to consider setting up accounts in your name only; accept that you will be handling all the finances alone, and probably hide the emergency fund. It sounds like she would qualify for her own credit card so maybe encourage her to build up her own credit, but be forewarned that you may be responsible for that debt as well if you are married.
For some, finances is a dealbreaker. For others, it is not. Just know up front what you can and cannot tolerate or accept; and go from there.

 

Good Luck :smileyhappy:


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drkaje
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Re: GF problems


afk wrote:

I'm a newbie - but I'm going to disagree on the Joint Account thing.

 

We did that - and my name was first on the account. I found myself covering overdrafts.. and more overdrafts.. so I quit enabling and covering the debt, thinking my spouse would learn. My spouse was sorry, they were going to pay it, they did pay it but the bank screwed up and it didn't reflect in the statement... and the bank closed the account in "our" names and it is overdrawn over $2K.  My spouse is supposedly paying $20/week in cash at the bank on this account. I don't believe that is actually happening but I have not checked - there are too many other bills to focus on. A collection agency was calling for a while, I'm not sure where they went.

 

I love my spouse; but they are *horrible* at money management. We are in our 40s so I don't think they will "learn". Did I see this coming? Yes, but I fooled myself into thinking it wasn't that bad. I was wrong.

 

My take is if you want to make this work, ask yourself if you can live with her lack of money management. When you are 40, and it is exactly the same, will you resent her? Or will you have accepted it already and it is not an issue? If you choose to accept that this is how she is and she probably will not change, then you might want to consider setting up accounts in your name only; accept that you will be handling all the finances alone, and probably hide the emergency fund. It sounds like she would qualify for her own credit card so maybe encourage her to build up her own credit, but be forewarned that you may be responsible for that debt as well if you are married.
For some, finances is a dealbreaker. For others, it is not. Just know up front what you can and cannot tolerate or accept; and go from there.

 

Good Luck :smileyhappy:


 

I think the 'real' question is "Will you love her enough to balance out the resentment?". Much as we delude ourselves to believe othewise; constant financial stress causes resentment.


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AZHeather
Posts: 304
Registered: ‎04-26-2012
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Re: GF problems

My fiance and I each keep separate checking accts, and one checking acct that is joint.  The joint acct is strictly for paying bills.  We add up the bills every month and each contribute 1/2.  We keep separate cc's and pay them from our personal checking accts.  We are each responsible for our own credit and personal finances.  It works beautifully.

 

We each came out of divorces that wrecked us individually and we each have had to rebuild.  We swore we would never get ourselves in that mess again.  Don't learn the hard way.  Get out of this now, while you can.  If she will not learn how to handle her own finances and contribute to your joint expenses, then save yourself the heartache and misery that is sure to be in your future and end it now.  You may love her now, but I guarantee that at this rate, in a few years you will hate her for what she will do to you financially.  

 

Good luck.


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FrugalRican
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Re: GF problems


localuser wrote:

So you guys would just let her throw you under the bus?  I would never and have never taken that from a woman.  I was raised by someone who wants the truth from anyone even if its to prove his kids were wrong and that is how I will be.  

So this could maybe say Hey what could we do to help this situation

And she knows he is taking notes on her since he is controlling the finance :smileyvery-happy:


Again, what is it going to prove to the parents? They ALREADY KNOW.

Trust me. She's young enough. The father would probably say this: That's your problem now. What do you want me to do, ground her?

 

She'd only get to throw me under the bus like that, ONCE.

After that, she can throw some other guy under buses for the rest of her life.

 

I know your spreadsheet scenario works excellently in your mind, but embarassing her (given her current profile) will only further anger her or turn the parents off even more about him. She doesn't look like she wants help dealing with the finances. I guarantee, in her mind, she thinks she's doing just fine. And doesn't he already "control" the finances? And look where that's gotten him.

 

I'm sorry, but if you have to work THAT hard to control finances, prove to other people finance-related drama, and etc, etc, etc... then the relationship isn't worth it. Marriage is only going to magnify these problems ten-fold. That's not something I'd look forward to until death do me part.

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Senior Contributor
drkaje
Posts: 3,492
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Re: GF problems

Amen, FR!

 

At least no one's said "It'll change for the better when you're married". :smileyhappy:


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Letterer
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎11-13-2012
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Re: GF problems

Just want to share that I was your gf :smileyhappy: for too many years.  A lot of 'magic thinking' when it came to money.  Somehow it was more elastic than finite and I believed that there was always somehow more than enough money.  Anyway, my way of doing things did cause a lot of problems in my life and my marriage.  FINALLY, older and wiser, and getting things together.  I truly didn't see my behavior as a problem.  My husband, who had the opposite belief system (there is never enough), let me do the bills.  He thought that would help.  It didn't.  It didn't because all we did was fight about money, bills, etc.  I juggled incessantly!  No solution there. 

 

The kindest thing you can do for yourself and your girlfriend, is to be honest, set limits that you will keep, keep your money separate, and expect her to contribute.  


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