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BullsEye10
Posts: 81
Registered: ‎03-26-2012
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Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

[ Edited ]

Well, I am looking for validation today.

 

A little background.  

 

I am 38 years old and I am  8 years older than my wife

 

I spent over 10 years living alone and answering to no one before my now wife and I moved in together 2 years ago.

 

We have been married now for almost a year, and have combined finances at her insistence.  I was comfortable keeping everything separate and was resistant, but gave in ... kind of.  I maintained a money market account that she does not know about, and I occasionally replenish it with monies I make as a contractor.  The money is used for things I would rather not have to explain ... casinos, gentleman's clubs, etc.  Keep in mind I make more than enough money so that these small amounts (no more than 6-7K in the account at any one time) do not remotely effect her quality of life or our future.

 

My question is, does anyone out there have a credit card that their spouse does not know about?  I am thinking of getting a new card and having the bills sent to my office.  I am pretty sure I am going to do it, just wanted to know I was not alone in wanting to maintain some sort of independence.

 

Thanks

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webhopper
Posts: 7,230
Registered: ‎09-16-2011
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I just dont think that this is good.  I think you should tell your wife that you have a so called "mad money" account.  If she is secure within herself she should be ok with that.

If you want to get a credit card for guy stuff, you should tell her that you're going to get one, for guy stuff. Again, if she is secure within herself she should be ok with that.

 

Financial infidelity is bad business. You are setting your marriage up for failure if you try to live a secret financial life on the side.

 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/moneywisewomen/2012/04/25/financial-infidelity-between-couples-as-damagi...


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MJC0026
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎04-29-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...


BullsEye10 wrote:

Well, I am looking for validation today.

 

A little background.  

 

I am 38 years old and I am  8 years older than my wife

 

I spent over 10 years living alone and answering to no one before my now wife and I moved in together 2 years ago.

 

We have been married now for almost a year, and have combined finances at her insistence.  I was comfortable keeping everything separate and was resistant, but gave in ... kind of.  I maintained a money market account that she does not know about, and I occasionally replenish it with monies I make as a contractor.  The money is used for things I would rather not have to explain ... casinos, gentleman's clubs, etc.  Keep in mind I make more than enough money so that these small amounts (no more than 6-7K in the account at any one time) do not remotely effect her quality of life or our future.

 

My question is, does anyone out there have a credit card that their spouse does not know about?  I am thinking of getting a new card and having the bills sent to my office.  I am pretty sure I am going to do it, just wanted to know I was not alone in wanting to maintain some sort of independence.

 

Thanks


LMBO... I am a wife and if I found out that my spouse did this I would question more than finical infidelity.  Honestly women are wise and what is done is the dark always comes to the light.  I think you should have your independence we all should; but when you are married you give up some of that and you should always be honest with your spouse.  HONESTY is the best policy and builds a strong healthy and happy marriage.  Remember:  A Happy & Informed wife makes a Happy HOME!!!

I would not say you are  a bad person at all, I think you are trying to find independence in a situation that is not suppose to be independent.  I would say talk to your wife, let her know you have a mad money account, suggest she get a mad money account for herself, and request a card for yourself.  Also, one last thought....what would you do if your wife was writing your note?  How would you feel if you found out on the tail end?  Just something to make you say HMMMMMM..

 

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webhopper
Posts: 7,230
Registered: ‎09-16-2011
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I don't really think marriage is about "answering to each other"

 

I think its about a partnership where both parties get to have a say in deciding a course of action.   My husband thinks I am just great at handling finances, but when It comes to a financial strategy, we always talk about the strategy...  Usually it involves me coming up with several options and my husband and I talk about the options. 

 

My husband has a lot of common sense and sometimes he sees beyond the numbers to how these things will affect our daily lives good or bad.   A lot of times I focus in on just the numbers without considering the impact of each course of action on our gains in financial momentum and/or emotional financial peace.

 

We have a lot of momentum going right now, as far as building real wealth, and paying off bills.   We both want to get to a place where we have no bills except for the mortgage.  so basically, every major financial decision (I catagorize this as every transaction involving more than $1,500), gets discussed.

 

We dont sweat the small stuff, other than deciding that we will only eat out once per month and we combine our errands into one trip to save gas...  but we plan the major moves,  sort of like a big chess game of life :smileyhappy:.


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drkaje
Posts: 3,492
Registered: ‎07-25-2008
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Being more honest with yourself, from the start, would have prevented this confusion. That way, when she insisted on combining finances you could have have said "No, that's not in my comfort level" and been done with it.

 

The "Mad money" account isn't the problem. The problem is doing something wrong (for you) just to shut up make another person happy.

 

The world doesn't come to an end if you say no. It's just more important to be honest from the start and make sure both people have the same values, or that whoever we're with can live with our crazy, LOL!


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lithium78
Posts: 929
Registered: ‎07-30-2011
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

My DW and I pretty much have separate finances, but we have a joint checking account into which we each transfer funds for joint bills.  In addition to our personal savings accounts, we also have a joint savings account for future shared financial goals at a local credit union.  We have no joint credit cards.  This way, we each have financial independence but we also take care of our shared financial responsibilities.

 

A marital relationship requires a lot of honesty and a lot of trust if it's going to last.  Sneaking around setting up secret bank accounts and credit card accounts to do things without your wife knowing is just asking for major issues in your marriage.  Imagine if she found out.  She'd wonder what else you haven't been telling her about.  If there are activities you want to participate in that your wife doesn't like, you should tell her about them anyway.  If she trusts you, she will be able to accept it.  But being secretive is a recipe for disaster.


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webhopper
Posts: 7,230
Registered: ‎09-16-2011
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

To paraphrase drkaje in a more readable font:

 

Being more honest with yourself, from the start, would have prevented this confusion. That way, when she insisted on combining finances you could have have said "No, that's not in my comfort level" and been done with it.

 

The "Mad money" account isn't the problem. The problem is doing something wrong (for you) just to shut up make another person happy.

 

The world doesn't come to an end if you say no. It's just more important to be honest from the start and make sure both people have the same values, or that whoever we're with can live with our crazy, LOL!


Starting Score: 08/29/2011 TU 671 EQ 674
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drkaje
Posts: 3,492
Registered: ‎07-25-2008
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I'll play devil's advocate: Would it be OK if your wife did the same thing?


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drkaje
Posts: 3,492
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

@ wh,

 

I'm dyslexic and that font is easier to read, LOL!


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BullsEye10
Posts: 81
Registered: ‎03-26-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

WebHopper, I wish it was that easy, but it wouldn't have been.   I was never happy about combining, but I felt there was no compromise to be had, as she felt so strongly that my refusing to combine meant that I was not sure about marrying her.  Simply saying  its not in my confort level would not have resolved the question, it would be hanging over our heads for the next 50 years.  It just seemed a lot easier to agree to share the checking account when I knew that I had the money market account that would stay mine.

 

And while I was certainly sure about her (and still am, maybe even more so), and love our life together, I have always been sort of a loner (a few close friends, but I am happiest alone) and sometimes I really misses the days when I lived alone and answered to no one.  I think that is what the account and possible new credit card are about.

 

As a side note, and this isn't truly relevant, this account is also what I draw from for her presents (designer bags, jewelry, iPad, etc.).

 

 

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