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Senior Contributor
drkaje
Posts: 3,491
Registered: ‎07-25-2008
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Lying leads to more lies.

 

The hard thing is usually what's actually right in these circumstance.


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Smug
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Registered: ‎12-21-2010
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

As a woman I have to say that is definitely a bad idea. the problem is if she ever finds out about any of these accounts she will think its worse than it really is, and that there is so much more to it. You are just starting a life... Don't started it with deceit!
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webhopper
Posts: 7,225
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I really feel you should come clean about having the account,  if she's not ok with that then you guys should talk to a therapist.  I think there is nothing wrong with you having your own account and being able to spend from it without being accountable for that portion of your spending. But I really think that honesty and communication goes a long way towards making everyone comfortable in the relationship.

 

The issue about her being so adamant about combing finances is a red flag that she is feeling insecure about relationships... somehow she equates being financially combined with being emotionally and spiritually combined.  

 

As an aside, how old are you and your wife?  It may be that she is just a little bit emotionally immature or that she has a set of expectations about marriage which contradict yours.

 

 

Expectations about marriage are also bad!   Sometimes honesty is about managing expectations so that neither side is hurt when the other side fails to live up to them.   


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drkaje
Posts: 3,491
Registered: ‎07-25-2008
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Coming clean about combining finances is the place to start. The hidden account means nothing.


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navigatethis12
Posts: 1,954
Registered: ‎01-24-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I am only twenty one and have mostly no experience with relationships but I will give an opinion anyway. I do not see a reason for a spouse to know about the money of their spouse. In my opinion money should always be kept seperate anyway, no matter how long you have been together. If the credit card is for you and you only I see no reason why your wife should be notified of its existence.

 

If I ever get married I would not care if he had accounts I did not know about and I later found out. I know marriage is supposed to be a union but I just do not see a reason to merge finances. Maybe one or two joint accounts, but most of the money should be kept seperate.

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HenryJumbo
Posts: 143
Registered: ‎07-21-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Under those circumstances I would have personally never gotten married. Also you messed up by letting her talk you into joining accounts. You can be married and have two different financial accounts, credit cards, etc. That doesn’t mean you won’t support her or help her with bills, etc. It just means you want to manager your own cash. I feel now you are resenting the fact that you weren’t man enough to tell your wife what YOU WANT (another reason not to marry when you can’t even tell the person what you want).

 

And by the sounds of things I bet you didn’t sign a prenup?

 

There’s no law that states you MUST join accounts, etc when you get married. Trust me when you get divorce she’ll have total access to all your monies.

In life you do one or the other, you either get married or have children.

What you’re doing is childish to say the least. It’s pretty much pointless now to start hiding stuff because you could have easily avoided all this by saying “no” to her when she asked you to join accounts.

 

 

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webhopper
Posts: 7,225
Registered: ‎09-16-2011
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...


navigatethis12 wrote:

I am only twenty one and have mostly no experience with relationships but I will give an opinion anyway. I do not see a reason for a spouse to know about the money of their spouse. In my opinion money should always be kept seperate anyway, no matter how long you have been together. If the credit card is for you and you only I see no reason why your wife should be notified of its existence.

 

If I ever get married I would not care if he had accounts I did not know about and I later found out. I know marriage is supposed to be a union but I just do not see a reason to merge finances. Maybe one or two joint accounts, but most of the money should be kept seperate.


Hopefully you find a potential spouse who feels the same way! 

Let me ask you this, lets say your wife becomes pregnant and has to miss work for 2 months or more due to the baby...  Would you be ok with letting your wife be poor and have no money even though she's producing that baby for the both of you?

 

In my situation, I'm the female, and all the bills are in my name, except for the cell phone bill...  Does that mean that my paycheck goes towards bills and his paycheck is his to spend how he wants?

 

the way we work around this issue, my husband and I, is that we each kept our own account that we had before marriage.  I added him as joint on mine, he added me as joint on his as more of a courtesy to each other.  We both carry an amex.  We can each spend whatever we need to on a day to day basis.  We talk about larger purchases which aren't "necessities"

 

I use both his and my accounts to pay bills with.   he's happy as long as the bills get paid and he doesn't have to worry about them, nor does he have to do without anything.  Im happy because I know the bills get paid and that he's not going to blow cash without discussing it with me.

 

Its easy for people to be very selfish with their funds.  I think the concept of having shared funds comes from a feeling of wanting to take care of each other. Obviously I want my husband to be able to buy gas and food.  He works in Arkansas and his schedule is 4 days on, 4 days off.  Our home  is in Oklahoma, and my schedule is 5 days a week M-F.

 

We recently decided that he will go to school using his VA benefit.   We've made a plan to budget our money more effectively to make up for the loss of part of his normal income as he moves from full time to part time employment.

 

In the long run, his degree will benefit us both.   In the short term, we have to continue to support each other and don't let the other falter out of our own selfishness.

 


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Cellice
Posts: 148
Registered: ‎07-04-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...


webhopper wrote:

navigatethis12 wrote:

I am only twenty one and have mostly no experience with relationships but I will give an opinion anyway. I do not see a reason for a spouse to know about the money of their spouse. In my opinion money should always be kept seperate anyway, no matter how long you have been together. If the credit card is for you and you only I see no reason why your wife should be notified of its existence.

 

If I ever get married I would not care if he had accounts I did not know about and I later found out. I know marriage is supposed to be a union but I just do not see a reason to merge finances. Maybe one or two joint accounts, but most of the money should be kept seperate.


Hopefully you find a potential spouse who feels the same way! 

Let me ask you this, lets say your wife becomes pregnant and has to miss work for 2 months or more due to the baby...  Would you be ok with letting your wife be poor and have no money even though she's producing that baby for the both of you?

 

In my situation, I'm the female, and all the bills are in my name, except for the cell phone bill...  Does that mean that my paycheck goes towards bills and his paycheck is his to spend how he wants?

 

the way we work around this issue, my husband and I, is that we each kept our own account that we had before marriage.  I added him as joint on mine, he added me as joint on his as more of a courtesy to each other.  We both carry an amex.  We can each spend whatever we need to on a day to day basis.  We talk about larger purchases which aren't "necessities"

 

I use both his and my accounts to pay bills with.   he's happy as long as the bills get paid and he doesn't have to worry about them, nor does he have to do without anything.  Im happy because I know the bills get paid and that he's not going to blow cash without discussing it with me.

 

Its easy for people to be very selfish with their funds.  I think the concept of having shared funds comes from a feeling of wanting to take care of each other. Obviously I want my husband to be able to buy gas and food.  He works in Arkansas and his schedule is 4 days on, 4 days off.  Our home  is in Oklahoma, and my schedule is 5 days a week M-F.

 

We recently decided that he will go to school using his VA benefit.   We've made a plan to budget our money more effectively to make up for the loss of part of his normal income as he moves from full time to part time employment.

 

In the long run, his degree will benefit us both.   In the short term, we have to continue to support each other and don't let the other falter out of our own selfishness.

 


I'm sorry but that is such an assine response. He never said he wont support his pregnant wife. Such an over dramatic response...

I do agree that finances should be kept seperate. However, a joint household account should be established for joint bills such as morgage, utilities, cable, cellphone etc.

 

You can continue to have your own account for your own expenses. However, it does not mean those accounts are hidden. You should be able to trust each other to see each others finances.

 

While I hope every marriage lasts forever they simply dont. A messy divorce can ruin you financially. If you only make 20K/year and your spouse makes 120k/year and you are both on the morgage of your 500k home and you decide to get divorced you will not be able to keep up the morgage if the other decides to stop paying because they are mad at you. This will ruin you financially. Your spouse might not care about the credit hit because honestly it is easier to dig yourself out of a hole with 120K than it is with 20K.

 

Finally, I do think it makes you a bad person when you have agreed to joint finances and your hiding money to go to strip clubs and gamble. That is just disgusting. You violate any trust she has given you. You should not be married if you cannot be upfront and honest with your spouse.

Valued Contributor
Crashem
Posts: 3,096
Registered: ‎01-26-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Haahaa the OP getting a ear full.  Run Dude Run!!

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mfoxxx
Posts: 53
Registered: ‎01-01-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Well, you have to decide, what are the risk?? If your wife finds out, are you prepared to deal with the outcomes of your decisions? Also, look at it from her perspective if the situation were reversed. You always have to weigh the outcomes and consequences. Give your wife more credit than what you are giving her, allow her to make an informed decision based on you being open with her. Heck I have friends that go to the clubs with their spouses, however, again both people were allowed the make the choice. Again, every action has re-actions and consequences. You have to determine what that may look like for you. 

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