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koalablue
Posts: 356
Registered: ‎05-23-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

You might keep in mind that any credit card you get is going to show up on your credit report for the next 10 years.  Obviously your wife isn't routinely obtaining copies of your credit report, but if you both ever need to give your reports to anyone, for a new house, car, anything else, then she could see evidence of that card.  A better idea might be to just plunk down 1000.00 or however much you want on an Amex prepaid card.  A prepaid card will not show up on your credit report nor will you have to worry about getting any billing statements.  Having money in a separate account is dicey and I wouldn't take the risk, although obviously you're comfortable with it.  I agree with others that if your wife found out about the account, she'd be pretty darn upset that you didn't tell her about it and she might very well imagine the worst, like you're spending it on a mistress or something.  I think its just fine to have a separate account, but she should know about it.  Just tell her you use it for presents for her and odds and ends - no need to mention the gentlemen's club of course.

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redeemedsoul136
Posts: 13
Registered: ‎07-27-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Possible options:

1 - Don't tell her - she finds out and your in the dog house

2- Don't tell her - she never finds out and your in the clear (aside from guilt)

3- Tell her - your in the dog house

4- Tell her - she is cool with it and you realize you were over reacting...

 


I'd man up, tell her and if she doesn't like it tell her to leave!


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webhopper
Posts: 7,225
Registered: ‎09-16-2011
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...


Cellice wrote:

webhopper wrote:

navigatethis12 wrote:

I am only twenty one and have mostly no experience with relationships but I will give an opinion anyway. I do not see a reason for a spouse to know about the money of their spouse. In my opinion money should always be kept seperate anyway, no matter how long you have been together. If the credit card is for you and you only I see no reason why your wife should be notified of its existence.

 

If I ever get married I would not care if he had accounts I did not know about and I later found out. I know marriage is supposed to be a union but I just do not see a reason to merge finances. Maybe one or two joint accounts, but most of the money should be kept seperate.


Hopefully you find a potential spouse who feels the same way! 

Let me ask you this, lets say your wife becomes pregnant and has to miss work for 2 months or more due to the baby...  Would you be ok with letting your wife be poor and have no money even though she's producing that baby for the both of you?

 

In my situation, I'm the female, and all the bills are in my name, except for the cell phone bill...  Does that mean that my paycheck goes towards bills and his paycheck is his to spend how he wants?

 

the way we work around this issue, my husband and I, is that we each kept our own account that we had before marriage.  I added him as joint on mine, he added me as joint on his as more of a courtesy to each other.  We both carry an amex.  We can each spend whatever we need to on a day to day basis.  We talk about larger purchases which aren't "necessities"

 

I use both his and my accounts to pay bills with.   he's happy as long as the bills get paid and he doesn't have to worry about them, nor does he have to do without anything.  Im happy because I know the bills get paid and that he's not going to blow cash without discussing it with me.

 

Its easy for people to be very selfish with their funds.  I think the concept of having shared funds comes from a feeling of wanting to take care of each other. Obviously I want my husband to be able to buy gas and food.  He works in Arkansas and his schedule is 4 days on, 4 days off.  Our home  is in Oklahoma, and my schedule is 5 days a week M-F.

 

We recently decided that he will go to school using his VA benefit.   We've made a plan to budget our money more effectively to make up for the loss of part of his normal income as he moves from full time to part time employment.

 

In the long run, his degree will benefit us both.   In the short term, we have to continue to support each other and don't let the other falter out of our own selfishness.

 


I'm sorry but that is such an assine response. He never said he wont support his pregnant wife. Such an over dramatic response...

I do agree that finances should be kept seperate. However, a joint household account should be established for joint bills such as morgage, utilities, cable, cellphone etc.

 

You can continue to have your own account for your own expenses. However, it does not mean those accounts are hidden. You should be able to trust each other to see each others finances.

 

While I hope every marriage lasts forever they simply dont. A messy divorce can ruin you financially. If you only make 20K/year and your spouse makes 120k/year and you are both on the morgage of your 500k home and you decide to get divorced you will not be able to keep up the morgage if the other decides to stop paying because they are mad at you. This will ruin you financially. Your spouse might not care about the credit hit because honestly it is easier to dig yourself out of a hole with 120K than it is with 20K.

 

Finally, I do think it makes you a bad person when you have agreed to joint finances and your hiding money to go to strip clubs and gamble. That is just disgusting. You violate any trust she has given you. You should not be married if you cannot be upfront and honest with your spouse.


Calm down, I never said that this poster would not support his pregnant wife, I merely suggested a circumstance in which he might find fit to share or merge finances since he stated, "but I just do not see a reason to merge finances.".


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YahComb
Posts: 599
Registered: ‎03-10-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I hope OP realizes money issues are the biggest cause of Divorce in this country. 21st century and people will have the sex talk before getting in a long term relationship, but so many of us still squeamish about finances and take for granted the money issue. I think you will find this day and age, Most people are quite happy to maintain some degree of separate finances in a marriage. But this is one of those things you can't assume, a Marriage is not just  a spiritual joining of two people, it is a legal contract. Gotta flesh out the details of what exactly you're getting into before you sign the dotted line.

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webhopper
Posts: 7,225
Registered: ‎09-16-2011
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...


navigatethis12 wrote:

webhopper wrote:



Hopefully you find a potential spouse who feels the same way! 

Let me ask you this, lets say your wife becomes pregnant and has to miss work for 2 months or more due to the baby...  Would you be ok with letting your wife be poor and have no money even though she's producing that baby for the both of you?

 


 


 

I did not mean we could not share money if need be, to a certain extent. In that situation, of course I would be okay with money being used. If my spouse charged up cards spending on unneccesary things, then no I would not spend money. I was just saying for individual expenses, I see no reason why I joint account is needed.

 

I will admit I am selfish which is why relationships are not for me. If the time ever comes that I do get in one, I would support them if the reason for the support has to do with me. Your situation seems to work and that is great. However, I know of too many instances of accounts being drained after the couple splits up.


Believe me, I know that being married and sharing things can turn out very badly... I was married from 2004 - 2006 to a deadbeat.  He drained me financially and stuck me with about 34k in debt.  It took me about 6 years to be in the position where I could trust again.  I had 15k in savings going into the marriage in 2004.  When it was over, I had nothing, he drained all the accounts and took our joint tax refund.    That's why its so important to find a mate that you can trust with finances, fidelity, not feeling insecure because of income, willing to work together on household chores...  etc.   It took me a long time to find that special someone who fit with my expectations of a partner.


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Dadaluma83
Posts: 364
Registered: ‎08-23-2011
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Wow, let me just start out my response with a valuable line I heard about dealing with women, from the video game red dead redemption no less.

 

"If you are digging yourself into a hole, it is best to just stop digging."

 

That is probably the best advice the OP can get.

 

About the hidden account that isn't an issue, marriage is a partnership yes, but that doesn't mean you can't have your own little stash of money for entertainment or any other goal. As long as the most important thing happens with money, bills are paid, food is on the table, etc then it is fine for both husband and wife to have their own seperate stash of funds. Yes marriage is a partnership, but some time to oneself is valuabe too.

 

The big problem is going to gentleman's clubs behind her back. She could consider that cheating on her and rightly so, but guess what? You don't have to tell her about the past. After all stop digging the hole right? One thing you can do to her is ask her if she would like to go to one with you. Really. Back in my early college party days I asked my then girlfriend if she wanted to come along to a strip club with me, a few friends from my student job had invited me and she ended up bringing a few of her own. If she is secure enough about her own body and you both feel secure enough about your relationship that a topless woman dancing around a pole would have no effect then go for it. Maybe suggest it as a way to inject some spice into your marriage, mix things up a bit, bring out a little wild side, etc.

 

Of course back then me and her were in our early 20's so that kinda party lifestyle just came natural, if you are in a situation in your life where a steady job and kids are the thought then going out to party might not go over too well.

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MaryJane197
Posts: 147
Registered: ‎01-05-2009
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Communication, truth and love.  Thats what I learnt was MOST important to me when I got divorced after 12 years of marriage.  You have to be able to communicate with the person you are planning to be with for a life time.  

 

 

You must feel some form of guilt for hiding this from her if your seeking advise and validation from people on a message board.  Noone can tell you what is the right or wrong thing to do.  You have to decide that for yourself.  What is are the most important things YOU want to have in your marriage?

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sjt
Posts: 721
Registered: ‎05-05-2010
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I think there is more to it then having a secret bank account. Frrst, you agreed to something that you were uncomfortable with in the first place and second, it doesnt seem you want to completly give up your independance. Nothing wrong with having some independence, which I think is healthy in a marriage. But you need to be upfront with her about this. If she finds out about your secret accounts, dont you think she will wonder about other things, perhaps infidelity.

 

I really think you should nip this in the bud and talk to your wife about this and perhaps seek some counseling.

 

 

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amkari
Posts: 59
Registered: ‎03-14-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

This scenario (although not quite to the same magnitude) was my #1 reason for getting divorced 11 yrs ago.  There were other issues as well but minor compared to my issues with the financial dishonesty.

 

Dishonestly kills trust, trust is required for a successful partnership of any kind.  You were dishonest at the beginning and continue to be so to date.  If you're hiding money, entertainment destinations, etc... what else are you hiding?

 

Personally I would prefer to be cheated on and know about it than to be lied to about money or anything else.  If I was your wife (and I'm the same age you are) and you were up front about the joint finances, gambling, going to the strip club, etc I personally would be fine.  BUT, being lied to about any of it is a deal breaker.

 

I tried the joint finances route unti ex-h decided NOT to deposit his paycheck and NOT contribute to the financial necessities of the household.  He would cash it and keep the money, telling me it was gone already.  He also went out and bought himself a used truck at 25% interest that was 10 yrs old when his broke down WITHOUT telling me AFTER we had just discussed going to look at new trucks which we could well afford and would've been at 0-3% interest.  I was completely disgusted by this time and decided to separate finances... closed joint cc, closed joint acct, removed his cell from my account, etc.  I had bought my house before we were married so the mortgage was solely in my name as were all utilities.  I got my check, he got his and other than joint living expenses I didn't care what he spent the rest of it on.  I presented him a flat half share bill each month for mortgage, utilities, and daycare.  Paid my own car payment, cc, cell, all baby diapers and clothing, and so on.  After discovering his hidden stash of about $500 cash only days after he hit me up for gas money "because he was broke" I was LIVID!!!  His excuse..." I was saving up to buy you something nice"  **bleep**!?!?!?  Bills weren't getting paid, baby needed diapers, we needed groceries... and he's hiding money... the only things I ever wanted didn't cost a dime... honestly and household help since I also worked full time out of the home. Oh... and later, I found out that about the same time he started hiding money issues from me he ALSO started sleeping around.

 

Unless she's just hanging around because of the money she is aware of and already lacks trust in you... you are headed for disaster.  My advice, come clean NOW... on all of it.  Expect to be rebuilding the entire relationship from the ground up if she gives you the chance... and count your blessings if she does.  If you can't be honest on the financial front, it is impossible to be honest in the marriage


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jamie123
Posts: 924
Registered: ‎03-22-2012
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Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

[ Edited ]

And the score is....

 

TROLL: 1

MyFICO Members: 0

 

I'm not EXACTLY sure, but I'm PRETTY sure the OP is a TROLL!

 

Let's see...

 

His name is BULLSEYE10. (Think he might have been painting a target on his back with his post?)

He says he is 38 years old and asks if it is okay to have a secret credit card, visit strip clubs, gamble and keep it all from his wife?

 

BOOOOOM goes the forum!!!! Just the kind of guy that you girls always wanted to bring home to Mom!:smileylol:

 

Wow ladies, that was some performance!!! Congrats!!!

 

Now just how many of you wanted to reach through the internet to smack some sense into that guy?



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