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Frequent Contributor
codimom
Posts: 386
Registered: ‎09-08-2010

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I believe you are building the structure of your marital "house' on a faulty foundation. You are lying to her, and that removes an amount of trust.  When she finds out, and she will, she'll start to wonder about every thing else you've told her.  Do you tell her you are going to the "gentlemens club" or to the casinos? or is that another act of omission?  Like someone else has posted, lies bring more lies... like hiding the new card.. dude its gonna end badly for you. 

 

So if you are looking for validation? I don't think you're gonna get it here.  If you 're looking for a suggestion... tell your wife about the account, tell her that you need a little financial independance, and offer to set up an account for her to mirror yours.  Money issues are at the root of numerous divorces... make it a two way dicussion to find a mutual happy place...


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Established Member
rosegardener
Posts: 54
Registered: ‎08-10-2012

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

Perhaps your wife is coming from the school of thought that marriage = joint finances. Maybe her parents did it that way?  In terms of marriage finances, IMO whatever floats your boat and works...joint finances all the way, separate and joint for household, completely separate.

 

Full disclosure DH and run joint checking, he carries mortgage, we are joint on auto and LOC and have separate CCs.  Works for us, YMMV.

 

What I am getting out of this is it's more what you use the hidden account for rather than the account itself.  Yes, it worries me that you feel as if you have to have a hidden account, however I have a feeling that the reasoning for that goes deeper than what you can/care to articulate.  Which is fine, it is your business.  I think you are worried about the gambling/gentleman's club visits becoming an issue if you have to come clean about the account as your wife may object.  I doubt she would be as upset if you just used it for her presents.  I know if DH had a separate account for that as long as the bills were paid I wouldn't care a whit.

 

So, if it's purpose rather than the account itself, are these hobbies worth the marital damage (assuming she would object to them)?  Or are you hanging on to them as you seem to miss your independence?

 

Not pointing fingers, just asking questions that I hope will help you put the pieces together in your own head.  At the end of the day you know your wife and marriage better than we all do.  Best of luck!

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Valued Contributor
navigatethis12
Posts: 1,887
Registered: ‎01-24-2012

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...


webhopper wrote:



Hopefully you find a potential spouse who feels the same way! 

Let me ask you this, lets say your wife becomes pregnant and has to miss work for 2 months or more due to the baby...  Would you be ok with letting your wife be poor and have no money even though she's producing that baby for the both of you?

 


 


 

I did not mean we could not share money if need be, to a certain extent. In that situation, of course I would be okay with money being used. If my spouse charged up cards spending on unneccesary things, then no I would not spend money. I was just saying for individual expenses, I see no reason why I joint account is needed.

 

I will admit I am selfish which is why relationships are not for me. If the time ever comes that I do get in one, I would support them if the reason for the support has to do with me. Your situation seems to work and that is great. However, I know of too many instances of accounts being drained after the couple splits up.

Valued Contributor
jsickz32
Posts: 1,987
Registered: ‎06-25-2012

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I am young and im not married but i am a loner too. I dont think i will ever get married just because i dont like answering to anyone or care about anyone. My relationships usually end when the girl starts trying to control me. OP i understand how you feel and think...
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ChesterPDexter
Posts: 618
Registered: ‎06-18-2007

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I was wondering until a few posts ago whether no one was going to mention the "gentlemen's club."  After that, I have no comment on the rest of the situation because it seems to fit together perfectly.

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Valued Contributor
discernment
Posts: 1,142
Registered: ‎09-01-2011

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...


BullsEye10 wrote:

Well, I am looking for validation today.

 

My question is, does anyone out there have a credit card that their spouse does not know about?  I am thinking of getting a new card and having the bills sent to my office. I am pretty sure I am going to do it, just wanted to know I was not alone in wanting to maintain some sort of independence.

 


You want someone to tell you that they are doing exactly the same thing that you are and, its working out GREAT in their marriage = validation, right? 

 

You entitled your post: "Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there..."

 

So far, according to the previous posts, no one is in your exact same situation and, no one has any cards that their spouses don't know about. 

 

Think it through BullsEye10 before you apply for that secret card, very carefully think it through.  

 



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Regular Contributor
aloush11
Posts: 134
Registered: ‎02-18-2012

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I think its fine that you have a separate credit card... Its really not hiding anything, its more about separate finances... You don't need anyone questioning how much you spent out... Your life styles have not changed and your still taking care of each other. Just my option 

Frequent Contributor
codimom
Posts: 386
Registered: ‎09-08-2010

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

I trust my SO completely... and if I found out he was hiding trips to casinos, or strip clubs etc, and THEN found a hidden card with bills not coming home, I would wonder where hes hiding his mistress, and what ELSE he's hiding.  But ... back on topic.. we have separate finances.  He and I discussed it, he knows my hesitation and respects it.  we both know what each other has in the bank,what we owe on our cards ( 0 is easy to remember) but we don't have anything joint.


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Valued Contributor
navigatethis12
Posts: 1,887
Registered: ‎01-24-2012

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...


ChesterPDexter wrote:

I was wondering until a few posts ago whether no one was going to mention the "gentlemen's club."  After that, I have no comment on the rest of the situation because it seems to fit together perfectly.


 

I completely overlooked that part. That might cause some problems if it is found out about. The card though should not matter though,

Senior Contributor
drkaje
Posts: 3,482
Registered: ‎07-25-2008

Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...

People do the wrong thing all the time hoping to make whoever they're with happy. Bigger house, newer car, more kids, pets, more spending, etc....  And you know what; 99.9999999% of the time, whoever is doing the asking knows darn well what they're asking is selfish. They're just counting on love, fear of being alone, being whipped, or some other weakness that can be leveraged against common sense to get the yes.

 

I mean really, does anyone think OP only had to listen to DW prattle on about combining finances once before finally giving in? :smileyhappy:

 

IMO, OP should honestly say. "The whole combining finances thing doesnt work for me anymore. If you don't like it, tough crap". I disagree with doing the passive-aggressive hiding accounts thing.


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