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Registered: ‎07-17-2013

How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?

[ Edited ]

I have a friend who lives with her boyfriend, and he asked her to start paying half of ALL the expenses....mortgage, utilities, cable/internet, food etc..  My reposonse to her was....."when you have a ring on your finger, are married to him, and your name is also on the title to the house, then you can split the mortgage payment". 

 

Im a little upset at him about that, because he has a good job,  makes a little over 6 figures, and she makes a little less than half of what he does.  She buys all the food, and gives him a little money to put towards the other household expenses, and offers to pay a few times when they go out.  She sides in my opinion, but shes afraid that it will eventually cause issues in their relationship, and he will break up with her. 

 

My advice to her was...".if it causes issues now, it will later on too. Its not your house, You occupy space there.  Youre not married to him, no promise of a future with a ring either, and youre not on the title nor repsonsible in any way for that house.  You can buy the food, and split the utilites since you also use the water, electricity, internet, etc..but thats it., but do not split the mortgage'. 

 

Im half way irritated at him for even suggesting it to her, and theyve been dating over a year.  I told her she shouldnt have moved in unless she was engaged to him. He gives her no promises of a future, and she goes along with it all "in hopes that he will see her as a team player in a future marriage". I told her all he will see is a door mat!  After all...after dating someone for a over a year, you should know whether or not you want to marry them, and playing house for a few years only buys him time. 

 

What do you guys think? I mean she could give him maybe a few extra hundred a month, but their mortgage is like $1900? She lived in a modest apartment with a roommate because she was on a budget, and now she will be tripling all of her expenses if she goes along with the halfsies on the mortgage too. Im really torn for her..Smiley Sad

 

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Registered: ‎06-21-2017

Re: How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?


pizza1 wrote:

I have a friend who lives with her boyfriend, and he asked her to start paying half of ALL the expenses....mortgage, utilities, cable/internet, food etc..  My reposonse to her was....."when you have a ring on your finger, are married to him, and your name is also on the title to the house, then you can split the mortgage payment". 

 

Im a little upset at him about that, because he has a good job,  makes a little over 6 figures, and she makes a little less than half of what he does.  She buys all the food, and gives him a little money to put towards the other household expenses, and offers to pay a few times when they go out.  She sides in my opinion, but shes afraid that it will eventually cause issues in their relationship, and he will break up with her. 

 

My advice to her was...".if it causes issues now, it will later on too. Its not your house, You occupy space there.  Youre not married to him, no promise of a future with a ring either, and youre not on the title nor repsonsible in any way for that house.  You can buy the food, and split the utilites since you also use the water, electricity, internet, etc..but thats it., but do not split the mortgage'. 

 

Im half way irritated at him for even suggesting it to her, and theyve been dating over a year.  I told her she shouldnt have moved in unless she was engaged to him. He gives her no promises of a future, and she goes along with it all "in hopes that he will see her as a team player in a future marriage". I told her all he will see is a door mat!  After all...after dating someone for a over a year, you should know whether or not you want to marry them, and playing house for a few years only buys him time. 

 

What do you guys think? I mean she could give him maybe a few extra hundred a month, but their mortgage is like $1900? She lived in a modest apartment with a roommate because she was on a budget, and now she will be tripling all of her expenses if she goes along with the halfsies on the mortgage too. Im really torn for her..Smiley Sad

 


I don't think it is entirely unreasonable to ask a live in partner to pay rent, or to split all expenses evenly. I don't know why she should be allowed to live there at no cost. It is a little rude to ask this if she's already given up a lease on her own place; she should have known it was coming before she committed.

 

Looking at it as paying half the mortgage is frustrating. Looking at it as paying rent is not so bad. She can negotiate to pay less since she earns less, but he's asking so he doesn't feel taken advantage of. I doubt that asking to split 70/30 is going to change that feeling.

 

Mainly, this sounds like a communication issue to me. He wants to live a lifestyle that she can't afford. She moved into that lifestyle with the expectation that he would make up the difference. Neither person clarified what the expectations would be in advance.


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Re: How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?

She could agree to pay him an amount equivalent to what she was paying for her old apartment and split utilities and food in half. Paying half of the mortgage is just too much specially since she doesn't make near as much as he does; she helps him build equity, while she burns through her money to pay "rent".

Frankly this is a bad sign: her boyfriend is not only insensitive to the fact that she's making half what he's making, but he has no qualms about taking advantage of her moving in. I would start looking for another apartment, if I were her.

Next time someone asks her to move in, she should make sure she gets the details down first.
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Registered: ‎07-08-2016

Re: How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?


pizza1 wrote:

I have a friend who lives with her boyfriend, and he asked her to start paying half of ALL the expenses....mortgage, utilities, cable/internet, food etc..  My reposonse to her was....."when you have a ring on your finger, are married to him, and your name is also on the title to the house, then you can split the mortgage payment". 

 

Im a little upset at him about that, because he has a good job,  makes a little over 6 figures, and she makes a little less than half of what he does.  She buys all the food, and gives him a little money to put towards the other household expenses, and offers to pay a few times when they go out.  She sides in my opinion, but shes afraid that it will eventually cause issues in their relationship, and he will break up with her. 

 

My advice to her was...".if it causes issues now, it will later on too. Its not your house, You occupy space there.  Youre not married to him, no promise of a future with a ring either, and youre not on the title nor repsonsible in any way for that house.  You can buy the food, and split the utilites since you also use the water, electricity, internet, etc..but thats it., but do not split the mortgage'. 

 

Im half way irritated at him for even suggesting it to her, and theyve been dating over a year.  I told her she shouldnt have moved in unless she was engaged to him. He gives her no promises of a future, and she goes along with it all "in hopes that he will see her as a team player in a future marriage". I told her all he will see is a door mat!  After all...after dating someone for a over a year, you should know whether or not you want to marry them, and playing house for a few years only buys him time. 

 

What do you guys think? I mean she could give him maybe a few extra hundred a month, but their mortgage is like $1900? She lived in a modest apartment with a roommate because she was on a budget, and now she will be tripling all of her expenses if she goes along with the halfsies on the mortgage too. Im really torn for her..Smiley Sad

 


I think it's their business how they want to handle their finances. If he feels they should be splitting the bills evenly and she doesn't, that's for them to work out and/or break up over. Either way, she shouldn't just go along with it if she's not comfortable with it, and she has the option to move out.

 

If I were in his shoes, one of two things would happen:

 

1. If she said nothing about it, I would split the bills as I have in my current relationship: not 50/50, but rather porportional to each partner's income/ability to pay. This guy may not see things that way, but again that's his business and as the owner of said property, that's his decision to make.

 

2. If she complained about having to pitch in on the mortgage and believed that until there was a ring on her finger she was under no obligation to pay, I would point out that she, as you put it, "occupies space there." That sounds like the textbook definition of a tenant to me, and if anybody called into question how much, if any, rent he or she should pay to live at property I owned I would gladly point them toward Zillow or the local apartment guide and tell them to find a place more to their liking. She owes him nothing, but likewise he owes her nothing as well.

 

This isn't exclusive to non-married couples either - I'm married and we still split bills exactly as we did when we were just dating. The financial issues couples face have no bearing on whether or not he "put a ring on it", so the idea that the situation will somehow magically change if/when she's engaged to him is, frankly, silly.

 

The other points you raise regarding the wisdom of moving in together before engagement and such are subjective and will be different to each couple. Some couples will be fine living together while still dating, and others won't. Some couples know after a year they're in it for life, and others may take 15 years to decide. It's certainly no litmus test for whether someone will treat their partner like a door mat - there's far more telling signs of that type of behavior than length of dating.

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Re: How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?

She shouldn't pay anything to the mortgage as her name is not on the title.  Even if they get married if he had the house before they met and they later got divorced she would not get half the house.  He was able to pay the mortgage before she moved in. It makes no sense for her to help him pay HIS MORTGAGE.    

 

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Re: How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?


frogman1 wrote:

She shouldn't pay anything to the mortgage as her name is not on the title.  Even if they get married if he had the house before they met and they later got divorced she would not get half the house.  He was able to pay the mortgage before she moved in. It makes no sense for her to help him pay HIS MORTGAGE.    

 


I disagree entirely. She was paying rent before, so paying rent is a reasonable expectation. I paid my wife rent when I moved in with her in advance of our engagement. I suggested it without her asking; I don't think it is appropriate to move in with someone and not expect to carry your weight.


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Re: How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?


iced wrote:

2. If she complained about having to pitch in on the mortgage and believed that until there was a ring on her finger she was under no obligation to pay, I would point out that she, as you put it, "occupies space there." That sounds like the textbook definition of a tenant to me, and if anybody called into question how much, if any, rent he or she should pay to live at property I owned I would gladly point them toward Zillow or the local apartment guide and tell them to find a place more to their liking. She owes him nothing, but likewise he owes her nothing as well.

 

 


She isn't his tennant she is his girlfriend.  It is ridiculous to expect her to pay his mortgage that he managed fine before he met her.  If he is inviting her into his home he should only expect her to pay added expenses of having another person living there.  If she wants to offer more she can but it shouldn't be expected. 

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Re: How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?


climbfire wrote:

frogman1 wrote:

She shouldn't pay anything to the mortgage as her name is not on the title.  Even if they get married if he had the house before they met and they later got divorced she would not get half the house.  He was able to pay the mortgage before she moved in. It makes no sense for her to help him pay HIS MORTGAGE.    

 


I disagree entirely. She was paying rent before, so paying rent is a reasonable expectation. I paid my wife rent when I moved in with her in advance of our engagement. I suggested it without her asking; I don't think it is appropriate to move in with someone and not expect to carry your weight.


Did your wife make twice as much as you?  And you offered.  She didn't demand after asking you to move in. 

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Re: How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?

[ Edited ]

frogman1 wrote:


Did your wife make twice as much as you?  And you offered.  She didn't demand after asking you to move in. 


She did, and we split the bills 50:50. She definitely didn't need the money, but clearly appreciated that I had the self respect to take care of myself. I personally wouldn't have been offended if she had asked, just as I wasn't offended when she asked me to change some personal habits for as long as we live together.

 

I said earlier in the thread that it is equally inappropriate to expect someone to read your mind about what they should pay out of living expenses. Both of them should have communicated expectations before moving in together and avoided the move in the first place if they couldn't agree to terms. My strident opinion is that anyone moving in with someone else should expect to pay some portion of the mortgage, even if it is negotiated or suggested as less than half.


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Re: How do you non-married couples split your household expenses?

I think she should not contribute to the mortgage. She is already contributing to the groceries, utilities and other expenses so it's not like she is mooching.  I'm sure he was well aware of her roomate situation before inviting her to live with him and knew that it was a reason for that.  The fact that she makes much less than him is also an important factor.  The fact is whether your friend lives there or not, his mortgage will still be the same and he will still be responsible.  He wants live-in girlfriend benefits but treat her like a tenent or roommate.  I'm sorry but that dog just won't hunt.  

 

It is time for your friend to re-evaluate her worth, self-esteem and her future.  You can't put all of your eggs in one basket and just hope for the best.  If she were smart, she would be saving just in case it does not work out and she is forced to move and find her own place.  If infact they do get married, she can spend some of the money she saved on the wedding or honeymoon.  

 

I hope this idea of proving herself to be worthy of him is worth it and everything works out but that is a big gamble to take with absolutely no gurantees, not even an engagement ring.  

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