How to approach DBF...

[Loques]

Recently, the DBF has been thinking about becoming engaged. Myself, I'm not in any hurry but I could see this happening in the future. However, his financial situation comes into play.

Some background: He went through a messy divorce a few years ago and pays child support (to the tune of about $1300/mo). He still makes a decent amount after all is said and done. However, he cosigned on a car with an ex (who he is obviously no longer with) and doesn't have any real TLs. We (for the most part) live together and both contribute (albeit, not equally - I have long-er established credit, homeowner, no real financial constraints).

I happened to have a look at his CR and saw a complete mess! (Something I had myself about 4-5 years ago). The cosigned car is 5+ payments behind, multiple CO and collections from divorce-era, and the only positive TL is his current auto loan (there may have been some older positive TL).

I want to approach him about this and help him to turn this disaster around, as I know it takes time. There are SO many items on his CR that need some attention, but I don't know where to start. He has no mortgage, revolving, or installment loans besides the current and defaulted (cosigned) auto loans and a revolving store credit line (furniture store with no use since 2005).

Any advice?

[Carrie_in_Pa]

I guess it all depends on your personality and the way your relationship works (or doesn't work).

On and off for the last couple of years, my BF and i have discussed the future and where our relationship is headed. Fortunately for me, i am a take charge (controlling) person for the most part. I flat out said to him that there were things that needed to be addressed NOW instead of eventually.

Usually i just do whatever needs to be done but when it comes to finances i make a plan and present it to him. I pretty much make the descisions, tell him why i came to that conclusion, what needs to be done, what other options there are and ask if he is ok with it. So far, he agrees with me every time. I think thats becaue i am so agressive and he is quite passive but also because i have a lot to lose and worst case scenario for him is that he sleeps on his parents couch for the rest of his life lol. That's what works for us and i know a lot of people who don't have homes/lives that work that way.

Make sure you tell him that there are things that need to be adressed NOW before you can make any kind of plans for things that will happen in the future. Once you break the ice with that, the two of you can figure it out from there.

[notfancy]

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@Loques wrote:

Recently, the DBF has been thinking about becoming engaged. Myself, I'm not in any hurry but I could see this happening in the future. However, his financial situation comes into play.

Some background: He went through a messy divorce a few years ago and pays child support (to the tune of about $1300/mo). He still makes a decent amount after all is said and done. However, he cosigned on a car with an ex (who he is obviously no longer with) and doesn't have any real TLs. We (for the most part) live together and both contribute (albeit, not equally - I have long-er established credit, homeowner, no real financial constraints).

I happened to have a look at his CR and saw a complete mess! (Something I had myself about 4-5 years ago). The cosigned car is 5+ payments behind, multiple CO and collections from divorce-era, and the only positive TL is his current auto loan (there may have been some older positive TL).

I want to approach him about this and help him to turn this disaster around, as I know it takes time. There are SO many items on his CR that need some attention, but I don't know where to start. He has no mortgage, revolving, or installment loans besides the current and defaulted (cosigned) auto loans and a revolving store credit line (furniture store with no use since 2005).

Any advice?

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Sounds like you two definitely need to talk.

Did you two already start discussing credit? Your post was  a little confusing because it almost sounds like you pulled his credit, and he doesn't know that you did so.

[Loques]

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@notfancy wrote:

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@Loques wrote:

Recently, the DBF has been thinking about becoming engaged. Myself, I'm not in any hurry but I could see this happening in the future. However, his financial situation comes into play.

Some background: He went through a messy divorce a few years ago and pays child support (to the tune of about $1300/mo). He still makes a decent amount after all is said and done. However, he cosigned on a car with an ex (who he is obviously no longer with) and doesn't have any real TLs. We (for the most part) live together and both contribute (albeit, not equally - I have long-er established credit, homeowner, no real financial constraints).

I happened to have a look at his CR and saw a complete mess! (Something I had myself about 4-5 years ago). The cosigned car is 5+ payments behind, multiple CO and collections from divorce-era, and the only positive TL is his current auto loan (there may have been some older positive TL).

I want to approach him about this and help him to turn this disaster around, as I know it takes time. There are SO many items on his CR that need some attention, but I don't know where to start. He has no mortgage, revolving, or installment loans besides the current and defaulted (cosigned) auto loans and a revolving store credit line (furniture store with no use since 2005).

Any advice?

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Sounds like you two definitely need to talk.

Did you two already start discussing credit? Your post was  a little confusing because it almost sounds like you pulled his credit, and he doesn't know that you did so.

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No, he had a copy of it that I have come across. But we have since talked about it. He moreso is avoiding it because he doesn't know how to tackle it. So, we broke the ice and are going to work on it together!

[Carrie_in_Pa]

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@Loques wrote:

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@notfancy wrote:

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@Loques wrote:

Recently, the DBF has been thinking about becoming engaged. Myself, I'm not in any hurry but I could see this happening in the future. However, his financial situation comes into play.

Some background: He went through a messy divorce a few years ago and pays child support (to the tune of about $1300/mo). He still makes a decent amount after all is said and done. However, he cosigned on a car with an ex (who he is obviously no longer with) and doesn't have any real TLs. We (for the most part) live together and both contribute (albeit, not equally - I have long-er established credit, homeowner, no real financial constraints).

I happened to have a look at his CR and saw a complete mess! (Something I had myself about 4-5 years ago). The cosigned car is 5+ payments behind, multiple CO and collections from divorce-era, and the only positive TL is his current auto loan (there may have been some older positive TL).

I want to approach him about this and help him to turn this disaster around, as I know it takes time. There are SO many items on his CR that need some attention, but I don't know where to start. He has no mortgage, revolving, or installment loans besides the current and defaulted (cosigned) auto loans and a revolving store credit line (furniture store with no use since 2005).

Any advice?

---

Sounds like you two definitely need to talk.

Did you two already start discussing credit? Your post was  a little confusing because it almost sounds like you pulled his credit, and he doesn't know that you did so.

---

No, he had a copy of it that I have come across. But we have since talked about it. He moreso is avoiding it because he doesn't know how to tackle it. So, we broke the ice and are going to work on it together!

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Awesome!!! Let him know that you are a part of this wonderful group and that there are many people here willing to help in any way they can.

[tallchick]

I would just say " hey when you have some time this week let's sit down and talk about finance, I know it's a subject that no one wants to talk about but  I love you and I really want to make sure we are both on the  same page and walking down the same path."  Just be supportive and let him know about your own struggle and offer advice where needed!!  Good luck let us know how it goes!!!!

[bdhu2001]

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@Loques wrote:

Recently, the DBF has been thinking about becoming engaged. Myself, I'm not in any hurry but I could see this happening in the future. However, his financial situation comes into play.

Some background: He went through a messy divorce a few years ago and pays child support (to the tune of about $1300/mo). He still makes a decent amount after all is said and done. However, he cosigned on a car with an ex (who he is obviously no longer with) and doesn't have any real TLs. We (for the most part) live together and both contribute (albeit, not equally - I have long-er established credit, homeowner, no real financial constraints).

I happened to have a look at his CR and saw a complete mess! (Something I had myself about 4-5 years ago). The cosigned car is 5+ payments behind, multiple CO and collections from divorce-era, and the only positive TL is his current auto loan (there may have been some older positive TL).

I want to approach him about this and help him to turn this disaster around, as I know it takes time. There are SO many items on his CR that need some attention, but I don't know where to start. He has no mortgage, revolving, or installment loans besides the current and defaulted (cosigned) auto loans and a revolving store credit line (furniture store with no use since 2005).

Any advice?

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Okay.  I'm the fly in the ointment.  Show him the website and then help him navigate to what he needs to improve his credit situation. My concern is the child support.  I have a friend who got married to a guy who paid child support and the ex was bitter.  She took him back to court for additional support, based on the new wife's income ( I get that the new wife would be responsible for the bill if he loses his job, I don't get that the CS increases based on new wife's income).  I don't know if it only works this way in California or if it works this way every where, but proceed with caution.  

[Anonymous]

@bdhu2001 wrote:

Okay. I'm the fly in the ointment. Show him the website and then help him navigate to what he needs to improve his credit situation. My concern is the child support. I have a friend who got married to a guy who paid child support and the ex was bitter. She took him back to court for additional support, based on the new wife's income ( I get that the new wife would be responsible for the bill if he loses his job, I don't get that the CS increases based on new wife's income). I don't know if it only works this way in California or if it works this way every where, but proceed with caution.  

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It normally doesn't work that way in California, but a judge CAN take such matters into consideration upon request for a CS review. Typically, family courts frown on changing a CS settlement without some compelling reason, especially if it's based only on the fact that the spouse paying CS got re-married. That’s boarding dangerously on making the new spouse pay to help support step children, which is illegal. Unless and until a step parent adopts the children, he/she can't be held financially responsible for them. Financial responsibly falls completely on the biological parent.

Rather...

The circumstances I have seen this happen under are when the CS paying spouse has a largely disproportionate income compared to the Ex spouse who has physical custody. The new spouses income is considered when supporting the couples household, and so more of the CS paying spouses income is freed to "comfortably" pay more child support. The courts do not see this as the same thing as making the new spouse help pay child support. (shrug)

If the couple later divorce however, or one looses their job, then the court could yet again re-consider the amount of CS paid, upon request to review.

The courts are always supposed to consider what's best for the children over what seems fair to the supporting parents.

[compassion101]

"Honey, I'd like to help you clean up your credit so we can get a nice house in the future (or whatever reason). Most likely he will be receptive to your help when it is genuine and not judgemental