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Husband’s not helping

Re: Husband’s not helping

The frank response is much appreciated. It’s not easy to type out the issue and open myself to the criticism of strangers, but more than anything, it’s helps me to clarify what needs to be done to see a problem laid out in writing. With that said, despite what it may sound like, self esteem is not my challenge. Fierce loyalty and a tendency to stick up for the perceived “underdog” is more of what my issue is and has always been.
Message 11 of 22
Regular Contributor

Re: Husband’s not helping


PositiveProgress wrote:
... Fierce loyalty and a tendency to stick up for the perceived “underdog” is more of what my issue is and has always been.

I completely relate to what you've written. In a past marriage I was paired with someone who fed off 'my issue' and took advantage of my efforts to help.  I realized eventually that it was me, yep..the goofy looking always wanting be the nice guy in the mirror me, enabling them to do things I'd never do myself.  

 

Being that stranger on the internet and reading what you've shared here, it seems as though you may already know the answer to your original question. The previous comments from others to seek counselling may help your situation but more importantly might help you figure out which path to take.   

 

Changing another person imho, is far tougher than changing oneself. My great grandmother said something to me once when I was very young. She said 'you can't take care of someone else unless you first take care of yourself' 

 

Took me 50+ years to realize the real wisdom in those words.      

 

 

 

Message 12 of 22
New Contributor

Re: Husband’s not helping


PositiveProgress wrote:
The frank response is much appreciated. It’s not easy to type out the issue and open myself to the criticism of strangers, but more than anything, it’s helps me to clarify what needs to be done to see a problem laid out in writing. With that said, despite what it may sound like, self esteem is not my challenge. Fierce loyalty and a tendency to stick up for the perceived “underdog” is more of what my issue is and has always been.

Loyalty is never a bad thing, OP; however the fact that you stated "perceived" underdog is what I'm focusing on here.  Based on what you stated in your earlier post, your husband is NOT an "underdog".  Your husband has it great because of YOU.  I wish I could get someone to pay my bills and basically take care of all responsibilities for me without me caring or worrying about it.  He got the house he wanted and didn't pay a dime?  Wow!  He's doing well for himself.

 

I know you can tell I'm being a tad sarcastic, but was only doing it to prove a point.  You're saying it's not "self-esteem", but it is...You are allowing this man (whether it's because of "love", "loyalty", or "helping out the underdog") to use financially use you and if you truly had a sense of self esteem you wouldn't allow that.  Your children look at you as their role model (especially the same sex child, if you have one)...do you want your daughter to be treated like this?  Do you want to see your daugher's husband NOT take care of her and basically use her?  I know the answer is NO! You are teaching your children that his behavior AND your reaction to his behavior (you continually allow it, "doormat", etc.) is ACCEPTABLE.  

 

I can't/would never tell anyone to leave their marriage/relationship, that's your decision to make.  I will say that you only live once and you should enjoy this ride while you can.  If anyone is impeding your ability to do that, then they don't deserve you.

 

Good luck to you!  Sending lots of positive vibes your way!!

Message 13 of 22
Established Contributor

Re: Husband’s not helping

OP.. so sorry to read this..

 

my exhusband and i got married at 22.. we should not have.. we only got married because we were engaged and we were supposed too.. my mom had died 2 years before that and i was just looking to hold onto to the "familiar".. i was in the same boat as you.. i knew, but i still went through with it.. i closed my eyes for many years.. when i finally told him i wanted a divorce, my exfather inlaw showed me a notebook he had kept of how much my ex had borrowed from him since he was 18.. it was many thousands of dollars and we were together all that time, here i thought he'd been "working"... and ive heard through the years he owes many thousands of dollars more that my ex-FIL will never see.

 

im not saying you should get divorced that is your own choice but i agree with the suggestions of counseling, at least for yourself.

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Message 14 of 22
New Visitor

Re: Husband’s not helping

I think counselling is a good option.

 
 
 
Message 15 of 22
Frequent Contributor

Re: Husband’s not helping

To the OP - I sympathize with you as I was in a very similar one-sided relationship several years ago. I want to be upfront in that it will get significantly tougher before it gets better........but it will be worth it. The memories of the previous good times and the emotions of what it could be are going to cloud your mind and try to take you away from the problems that exist right now. You must stay focused on the situation at hand because it will not only affect you but also your impressionable children. No one here can truly plan out your entire journey since each individual leg is very personal. Take each step one at the time and feel free to come back here if you need advice.

 

As a first step, I highly recommended marriage AND financial counselling - No more games, no more continually peeling back the layers, you need to get to the core of situation. Everything needs to be laid out in the open. His reaction(s) and the results should really dictate your next step.  With that said - In my opinion, there is no such thing as a good all-in-one counselor.  This means getting a counselor that specializes in marriage and separate one that specializes in finances.

 

I applaud your loyalty but your husband's behavior is an indicator that he is not reciprocating the same.  For the sake of you and your children's future, turn that energy towards finding the truth.


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Message 16 of 22
Frequent Contributor

Re: Husband’s not helping

You already know he is bankrupting your retirement investment, that for you is and will continue to depleting all your money just trying to make ends meet. 

 

It won't make him bring money to the table, but if you were the one who had to obtain the house in your name, tell him you will have a realtor come by to discuss putting it on the market (yes the one he so badly wanted), for you are overextended. Perhaps that will be a wake up call. 

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Message 17 of 22
Valued Contributor

Re: Husband’s not helping

I am super curious - what happened to his paid off house? 

 

Is he renting it out?  Keeping it for himself?  Did he sell it and use the money to help with the new house that YOU bought?

Message 18 of 22
Regular Contributor

Re: Husband’s not helping


IOBA wrote:

I am super curious - what happened to his paid off house? 

 

Is he renting it out?  Keeping it for himself?  Did he sell it and use the money to help with the new house that YOU bought?


^ This is very crucial, big picture.

 

If there were significant contributions by this, "underdog," with a, "paid off house," that would be significant. There are many ways to contribute.

 

Conversely, if that didn't or hasn't happened... that's basically summary judgment for the plaintiff, here.

 

To play devil's advocate... there have been many relationships where there has been one earner, and a stay-at-home parent - especially with small children. A lot of couples have found it not actually to be a net gain to pay for childcare. That's another way to contribute.

 

Does the "underdog" cook and prepare meals, and keep the place clean? That would be another way.

 

However, I've experienced some quite troubling marital situations happen to people very close to me. The husband, while living with his wife, had carried on with a secret family, had a secret child out of wedlock, and was actually paying rent & taking care of another woman... whilst seemingly never having any money for his actual wife and three kids.

 

I don't mean to be hurtful with wild speculation... but, my sister had no idea this was going on, and neither did anyone else; until one day, someone from church just happened to see my brother-in-law out and about - with another woman. By the way, reportedly, the woman he was paying rent for, was someone in addition to the woman he had a baby with out of wedlock. 

 

Now almost a decade later, my sister has since finished going back to school, obtained a degree, and already has a high level job.

 

I don't mean to be flippant. But, a guy that has had huge assets - and likely some unknown - that somehow isn't contributing to an active marriage... is very possibly playing for another team.

 

If, however, he's really just that lazy... you have to decide whether it's good enough to continue paying for the privilege.

Message 19 of 22
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: Husband’s not helping


IOBA wrote:

I am super curious - what happened to his paid off house? 

 

Is he renting it out?  Keeping it for himself?  Did he sell it and use the money to help with the new house that YOU bought?


Before I got to your post, I was wondering what happen to the paid house?  Excellent, excellent advice in here OP and so sorry you are going through that.  You are a very hardworking woman and a kind one to have to put up with it.  I often wonder where women like you find the patience from really.

 

But think of the kids and yourself.  Someone said it earlier thus, what examples do you want set for your kids?  Counseling is nice and I hope it works.

 

A couple of things you can do is to set ground rules and be firm.  Don't compromise because you seem to be picking up the slack when he doesn't come through like helping out and sticking to the budget. Also, communicate about relationship goals. He wanted the nice house and things, yet does not want to pay for it.  Remind him it does not work that way...

 

All the best to you and I hope things get better.

Message 20 of 22