This is a situation I know well. My ex husband was always bad with money and yet I married him, knowing there would be a point that we struggled. He refused counseling, he refused budgets, he refused to work with me. Unfortunately it didn't work out and I ultimately got out, but not without getting burned in the process. I truly understand fierce loyalty, and that's commendable. What isn't good is he is simply unwilling to participate in your marriage 100% financially. Something has to give. You guys are on a downward spiral, one that most likely will not end well. I suggest counseling, but he also has to be willing to sit and truly WORK on your financial situation together. If he becomes "hurt" by you wanting to discuss something that should be 100% an open discussion, that speaks volumes to me. Good luck with everything, know you are not alone.