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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?


iced wrote:

In our relationship, we're both content with doing everything. We're also equal partners who won't let the other do everything for us.



I think that's the key, there. Both partners need to have this perspective for the arrangement to work.

 

I really like how you've explained things. I'm now noticing my relationship follows a similar pattern, in that certain bills just "land" with one person or the other, and neither of us  keep track unless something becomes too much of a burden for one of us to maintain it, then it gets mentioned.

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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?


iced wrote:

BrutalBodyShots wrote:

iced wrote:

I would not take issue with that breakdown.


Understood.  So you're alright with doing 100% of the housework and paying 100% of the bills while your significant other doesn't contribute at all.  If that's the case, who wouldn't want you as a significant other eh?

 

This thread is called about splitting up these things (compromising).  It seems you're content with them not being split?

 

 


In our relationship, we're both content with doing everything. We're also equal partners who won't let the other do everything for us.

 

I mentioned early on in the thread we have no joint accounts and have divided the expenses between us. This lack of joint accounts requires us to split things up, but there are no rules or lines in the sand regarding who has to pay what. Bills on autopay, like mortgage payments and cable bills, are paid by one individual consistently, not because it's his or her obligation, but because that's just how things landed when we set them up. In the end, I make more so I feel I should pay more, but she'll never say that to me. She shouldn't have to.

 

For the non-financial matters, there are similarly no rules in our relationship. If she starts to clean the house and I notice her cleaning, I'll jump in to help. If she wants something from the store and it's cold outside, I'll put my shoes on and trek through the snow to the store to pick up whatever she wants. Some days I cook dinner and she washes dishes. Other days she cooks and I wash dishes. Still others I both cook and wash dishes, and there's days where she does both. I'd rather do both cooking and dishwashing. However, she won't let me do both with any regularity, even if it means running in to cook dinner while I'm in the restroom or doing dishes while I'm still eating, but I digress. 

 

The point I'm making is that while things do get split up, it's not premeditated. We both sometimes think the other is doing too much so we step up and pitch in more. The result is whatever it happens to be. It might be balanced one time and not balanced another, but honestly we don't care. We're both happy and we both know it'll all balance out in the end. This has worked well for the two of us, but I get that it may not be for for everyone.


Your above synopsis sounds like complete compromise to me, which is quite different than your previous post where you say you would take no issue with one person in a relationship paying 100% of the bills and doing 100% of the other work while the other person contributed nothing both financially and with respect to non-financial things such as housework.

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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

Your above synopsis sounds like complete compromise to me, which is quite different than your previous post where you say you would take no issue with one person in a relationship paying 100% of the bills and doing 100% of the other work while the other person contributed nothing both financially and with respect to non-financial things such as housework.


This response confuses me for two reasons:

 

1. Compromise impliles settling a disagreement/dispute by both sides making concessions. Neither of us had a dispute over finances/labor and no compromising ever took place. We both try to do as much as we can and by the fact we're both fallible homo sapiens neither of us manages to get to 100%. How is this a complete compromise?

 

2. I continue to take no issue with one person in a relationship paying 100% of the bills and doing 100% of the work. I also have no expectations whatsoever to what my partner contributes. She could come home tomorrow and say she quit her job and I would assume 100% of the financial load. Even then, I would continue to try to do as much of the household work as I could. If she was injured/disabled tomorrow, I would do 100% of both without hesitation. How is that quite different?

 

I can see your point, but to do so I have to make the assumption you are referring to a specific case where one person willfully and deliberately does nothing because he/she knows the partner will do all of the work and pay all of the bills. In that case, it would be unfair and not desirable, but then I would ask why someone would knowingly stay in such a relationship in the first place. If you have to set boundaries and restrictions in a relationship, it's set up to fail. I think Irish made a comment sometime back about boxing matches and the foreshadowing of problems. This would be one such boxing match.

 

In the end, if you understood what point I'm trying to convey - some relationships exist where no planning and/or balance of division of labor/finances occurs - then that's all that matters.

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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?

It occurs, just naturally rather than forced.

 

You say you don't compromise because to you that means that both sides are making concessions.  I disagree.  It doesn't have to be "giving up" but can be "giving more."  You made a reference that if someone is doing something like cooking or the dishes and they leave the room that the other person may jump in and contribute.  That's compromise, just in a reverse way.  It's someone contributing differently which cases the other person to contribute differently.  I don't think that "compromise" needs to be viewed as a negative thing.

 

Again, extenuating circumstances like someone losing their job or someone being disabled are not typical and I wasn't considering these situations when discussing how bills and/or housework would be shared.  Certainly when one of these uncommon things happens it's going to impact the shared responsibilities, be them financial or non-financial.

 

Why stay in a relationship that has one person contributing everything and the other nothing?  You said it on the last page:  "You love them."

 

 

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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?

I cannot imagine loving anyone who I knew was just taking advantage of me, but some people do (or at least think they do) or else we wouldn't have the term "unrequited love". if I did, I would blindly and contentedly contribute 100% until my family and friends forced an intervention.

 

And with that, we've reached the edge of relevancy on this discussion. 

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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?

It's often tough to be able to imagine something that you have never experienced.

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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

I think we all know this can be a difficult conversation in many relationships and the simple fact that this section exists here on the forum means that there is plenty to talk about with respect to the topic.

 

I think a lot of men, myself included, tend to be logicial and analytical about this subject; I'm a numbers guy.  I like to crunch numbers and and arrive at a conclusion that way.  -Mod cut -  Let's stay away from labeling people into a certain category based on their sex.  Not neessary to get your point across.

That said, how do all of you break down what each of you will contribute to bills in your relationship?

 

I think there are obvious factors to consider...

 

1 - What income do each of you bring to the table

 

2 - What individual personal monthly bills do each of you pay (car loan, school loan, gym membership, car insurance, etc)

 

3 - What combined bills do you have (electric, cable, rent/mortgage, heat, etc)

 

4 - What net income each of you has at the end of the month after your income minus expenses

 

5 - Any DEBT that either of you currently possess

 

What other factors do you take into consideration?  Number 5 on my list above is sort of a doozy to me that can be argued and needs to be clarified.  By debt I'm referring to PREVIOUS debt, such as existing revolving credit card balances that must be paid monthly by a person.  What I strongly believe DOESN'T count here is when one adds to that debt.  For example I could go out this month and throw a $4000 TV that I can't afford on a credit card which would artifically inflate my existing debt, thus raising my expenses and in theory increasing my DTI.  This however IMO is BS and that category shouldn't count for this discussion because if one of you has a spending problem in the relationship that spending shouldn't be included in their expenses.  Their PAST spending (debt that already exists) of course should be considered, but I don't think it's fair to include continued unnecessary spending.  Hopefully that makes sense.

 

So let's hear it everyone.  How do you guys use these factors and/or any other factors to hammer out a monthly bills/expenses plan that makes sense for a couple in a relationship?

 

I look forward to hearing the different perspectives here.


If either of you have debt it is both your debt.  All your post make it seem like you are very cheap.  If you live with someone and have a kid together all the money is both of your money.  You. Can discuss a budget but this my debt and your debt thing is nonsensical.  If they spend too much that is both your problems. Before living together is one thing but once you live together you are a team.  There is no my money your money nonsense.  

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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?

My wife pays our mortgage which is very small (700 a month), and pays our health insurance plan through her job.  I pay for daycare (1600 a month). Utilities, two car bills(900 a month)insurance, cell phones and any loans we might have.  I also max out my 401k and contribute to 529 plan and pay for groceries and vacations.  I take care of my daughter two nights a week and on Saturday while she works.  Other than clothing I really don't spend anything on myself.  

 

She he cooks and cleans,  I do laundary and yard work.  

 

The younger your children are the more work it is to take care of the and the more stress it puts on a relationship.  I remember between the time my daughter was 3 months and 8 months I would take half days off and take care of her from noon until 830 those days and I would think how much easier it was on the days I worked all day.  Plus the lack of sleep.  

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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?


atomicfront wrote:


If either of you have debt it is both your debt.  All your post make it seem like you are very cheap.  If you live with someone and have a kid together all the money is both of your money.  You. Can discuss a budget but this my debt and your debt thing is nonsensical.  If they spend too much that is both your problems. Before living together is one thing but once you live together you are a team.  There is no my money your money nonsense.  


I'll respectfully disagree with every single word you wrote above.  It seems like I'm very cheap?  I supported someone for 5 years completely where they paid literally ZERO combined expenses while on top of that I paid SEVERAL of THEIR personal monthly bills.  Any time a joint type expense came up (groceries, going out to dinner, etc) I paid for it.  On top of that, I took on the majority of the cooking, cleaning and other household duties.  Shame on me for allowing this for so long, but I don't know how you can get off suggesting I'm "cheap" in any way.  If you told anyone in the world what I just said, they'd automatically assume that the other person wasn't contributing because they were unemployed or something, bringing no income to the table.  That wasn't the case.  It was just that she was spending every dime of her income on herself and a good time.  You may say that because two people live together and they're a team that money is shared.  I say BS.  That's a line that's crossed with marriage and one I obviously would never cross with such a selfish person.

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Re: Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

atomicfront wrote:


If either of you have debt it is both your debt.  All your post make it seem like you are very cheap.  If you live with someone and have a kid together all the money is both of your money.  You. Can discuss a budget but this my debt and your debt thing is nonsensical.  If they spend too much that is both your problems. Before living together is one thing but once you live together you are a team.  There is no my money your money nonsense.  


I'll respectfully disagree with every single word you wrote above.  It seems like I'm very cheap?  I supported someone for 5 years completely where they paid literally ZERO combined expenses while on top of that I paid SEVERAL of THEIR personal monthly bills.  Any time a joint type expense came up (groceries, going out to dinner, etc) I paid for it.  On top of that, I took on the majority of the cooking, cleaning and other household duties.  Shame on me for allowing this for so long, but I don't know how you can get off suggesting I'm "cheap" in any way.  If you told anyone in the world what I just said, they'd automatically assume that the other person wasn't contributing because they were unemployed or something, bringing no income to the table.  That wasn't the case.  It was just that she was spending every dime of her income on herself and a good time.  You may say that because two people live together and they're a team that money is shared.  I say BS.  That's a line that's crossed with marriage and one I obviously would never cross with such a selfish person.


I'm kinda late to the discussion but I'm curious Brutal, why wasn't your money and her money together? Why wasn't her money included in your monthly budget? I can understand if she wasn't making much but not contributing at all seems unfair IMO

I agree with Atomic, when you're living together everything including finances should be tackled together but there has to be an agreement between the two parties from the start of moving in together that's the way you'll handle it. 

Doesn't seem like you and the other person did this.

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