It was a bad day. Need to vent about DH.

[Anonymous]

I just need to vent.

My husband is terrible with money and obligations.  He is wonderful in other ways but right now I am not feeling the value of that.

He lost his job (again) today, he may be able to get it back tomorrow as the person who fired him is not the owner, who he has a really good relationship with, and the reason given was BS.

I am legally disabled and worked only part time for many years up until last year when I started working full time again.  I saw my doctor today and she does not think I should be working full time, my health is suffering, financially I see no other choice.  I make significantly more money than he does, in part because I can keep a job and he can't and because I am in a higher paying industry. In 2011 we made $30,000, in 2012 we made almost nothing, 2013 we made $20,000 but he inherited some other money, in 2014 we made $42,000.  The bills are all in my name but he is supposed to pay the gas, power and cable (Internet only).  We are always behind in the first two and I have been paying the third so they do not shut us off. He is also supposed to pay the taxes on our home and the condo fees, sometimes he does sometimes I do, since they have to be paid. We do not comingle our money.  With all this is happening I think that is the right decision.  I would prefer to be the one physically paying all the bills but he will not give me money towards the bills if he isnt the one paying (or not paying) them.  He makes promises one day and the next has no recollection of them and even when reminded acts like it is an afront to him.

When we got together I knew he was not great with money, he had no bank account or cell phone and only a temporary place to live (but he had a full time job) but I was in a similar position at the time having left another relationship across the country and staying with my mother.  I didn't realize this was his default position.  He did at one point open a bank account and when we got married we opened a joint account.  Both are now closed. I found out today from my Chexsystems report that the joint account was charged off for $229 for account abuse (we did not subscribe to overdraft protection and didnt use the check book so I am unsure what this is from) in 2012.  This makes zero sense to me because I never got anything by mail from the bank (it is a small local bank, the branch president is a friend), I have my primary checking there and they didnt mention it and I have a money market I opened in 2013 that they allowed me to open and have never mentioned the CO (both have money in them). It is of course friday night so no way to get more info from the bank until next week but I wonder if it is his personal account and not our joint.   I can dig out the account info for our joint but I dont want to tear up my house tonight as I have to work in the morning.  He say's what he always says, he didnt know about it. This has come up before with an electric bill (also from 2012) which thankfully I was able to  pfd when I found out about it last fall.  I was very sick for most of  2012 and was not able to be paying attention to them as well as I should have, he said he was taking care of it all, clearly he didn't.  He doesn't seem to care, he doesnt think things are ever urgent and he doesnt stress, the result is that I stress and pay for almost everything myself.

His job losses have been partially economy related, partially because of the industry he is in, and partially I am sure about him (though I don't know how only ever having his side of the story).  We have been together for 8 years and married for almost 6.  He has had 9 jobs in that time, and has been laid off or out of work for at least a total of two years in that time. 

We own a home, but he is not on the mortgage, my father cosigned with me. When we went for our mortgage DH's credit didnt exist.  He inherited some money a few years ago and made a large principle payment so that he has equity in the house (he didn't pay some other things he should have and the money is now gone).  *I* own a car.  

I was terrible with money and with my credit in my early 20s and with a lot of time and work (and quite a bit of family help) have gotten my scores where they are today.  I feel like generally I have a handle on it all but not when he looses his job and on the same day I have to pay to do our taxes (I paid in over $2000 and he paid in $200) and pay the state taxes (actually owed because for some reason my old job didn't withhold state) and find out that there is a charge off showing on my records. 

I feel terrible all the time, on my days off I am so exhausted and have so much that has to get done that I never get to do anything fun and I never get to relax (and I never get it all done).  I am going on a vacation (without him) that I have already paid for this week and would really like to enjoy it but I am so stressed out and worried about our finances.

He is not willing to talk about any of this other than to tell me he will try (to appease me, we have been here before). I need him to be paying attention to this with me, to tell me the truth and not hide things from me and to participate in our life together.  He is clearly depressed, has no goals or ambition, and doesnt plan for the future, I do not see how we can get ahead of ourselves if there isn't some improvement.

[Fox342]

First of all, sorry to hear about your problems.  Hopefully venting helped a little, it usually does for me.  I don't know what you mean by DH.  I'm new to these forms so it could be something in common usage that I'm just not familiar with.

I have to ask though...why are you still married?  It doesn't sound like he contributes anything to the marriage to me.  Especially financially.

If your finances are such an issue why did you pay for a vacation?  Why not save the money?

[Anonymous]

DH is dear husband.

We are still married and not planning to split up, he is wonderful in other ways.  I do not think getting divorced is the answer right now and would make things much worse.  He is very emotionally and physically supportive of me and my quirks and my disabilities.  He is loving and calm.  He is depressed and needs help but wont take any, and doesnt see what is happening because he doesnt want to talk about any of it. 

re going on vacation: I need a vacation, It has been below freezing for a month and a half. Yesterday my doctor prescribed a vacation (she also prescribed about 13 hours less work a week but I cant do that at my work and keep my job). My job is very stressful and a vacation is needed to make it bearable. I just qualified for vacation time after being there 1 year. I make enough money that the low cost airplane tickets were affordable they were also purchased and paid for over a month ago, and I am staying with family and not at a hotel.  He chose not to go on the vacation, a ticket was offered to him.  We (I) are not broke.  I just am frustrated by the unexpected expenses (taxes getting done wasnt unexpected but was way more expensive than expected) all at once coupled with him losing his job.  I have the money for all of them, but it feels unfair and makes it impossible to budget.  It stresses me out that I am the only one who seems to care and that he would lie to me about this so that we are now in a less favorable position. I have savings he does not.  We also have an emergency fund (which he funded from his inheritance) that is for unexpected household issues like needing a new water heater, it is not accessible to him.

When I worked part time I put 90% into the household, now I make 3x as much money and still put 70% in, he is supposed to put 50% in (based on his current income and the agreement we had) and he doesnt but also never has any money, he pays the bills last and not first and frequently there is not money left for them. I pay all my household bills out of my monthly commission check and then groceries and other things out of my weekly draw checks. This month my commission check is going to be small, I did not have a great January and last I was able to check, I only barely covered my draw in Febuary.  I should find out monday if I get any extra.  This means no fun money** but I still can afford my portion of the bills and dinner will be less interesting. I would have really liked if he could actually pay his portion this coming month but it looks like I will have to cover his bills too and that is questionable without dipping into my savings.  We have lived most of our marriage with very little money (and no cc) it isn't the end of the world, I know how to rein it in. I am just super frustrated.

**The stereo in my car freaked out due to the cold and I already (before he lost his job) started the process (ordered parts) to having it replaced, It now will take longer to get this done.  I have the money to pay for this set aside but may need it elsewhere.  When I drive my car it dings and tells me there is a hardware error every 30 seconds, the radio works but is interrupted by the dinging and dead air. I realize this is a luxury and not most important but it needs to get done sooner or later. I also have all three of my cc in 0% interest for the next year+ so it is possible to put it on one and pay it slowly if we decide to do that.  The total cost is expected to be about $350 due to expensive wiring parts for my particular car. I have already paid a $100 deposit.

[Fox342]

I have to say, from reading both of your posts you sound more like roommates than a married couple.  You say your money, his money, his bills, your bills...you don't sound like a team at all...which is what I think a marriage is.  You say he's caring and emotionally and physically supportive...but not helping and/or caring about the finances and spending carelessly is not supportive or caring at all in my opinion.  As a matter of fact that sounds like what is causing you the most stress...and from what you say he contributes to that greatly, and doesn't even care.  

Personally I think you're just fooling yourself into thinking this is a good marriage.  I'm not married, but if I was I would never let my disabled wife have to worry about all the finances while I spend money carelessly

You also said that you're not broke...so if you're not broke then why are stressing over finances?  You are broke enough that you have to work because he won't pay the bills like he should.  You said your doctor doesn't want you working as much as you do.  You're broke enough that you have to work when you shouldn't be.  I think you really need to reevaluate your position.  Write everything down...pros and cons.  Putting everything down on paper seems to help me.

Your husband is either part of the solution or part of the problem...sounds like he's part of the problem instead of the solution to me.  

I hope you get this all figured out, good luck.

[Anonymous]

I don't know your insurance situation but from what you have said it would be worth having him see someone about the depression. It could be causing quite a few of the other problems as well if he's clinically depressed.

[tacpoly]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation; I can understand why you are frustrated. 

In terms of finances, there is only one adult in this relationship.  You need to take over until he grows up.  There's no point in giving him responsibilities when he has already shown that he can't handle them.  I think having control of all the comings and goings of all the money would lessen some of the stress you're experiencing.  But I also think he needs to see where the money is going; he needs to be part of the process.  It may be that he's resistant to pool money because it seems it just goes into a black hole and it's one more thing he has lost (you already own the house, the car, etc...basically everything worth anything) 

I would assign a regular time every month or every couple of weeks when you both sit down and pay the bills.  This is a good time to talk about household finances as well - what other bills will be coming due this month, how much will be left for saving, spending, fun; what could come up further down the road (planned medical procedures, condo upkeep, etc...)  Perhaps start a vacation fund for both of you so that he has a savings goal.  Maybe seeing both your income coming in and all the bills going out will ingrain in him that he is an integral part of the household and not just a peripheral member. 

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear and venting is good.  But if he was like that before you married him, he is NEVER EVER going to change.  So if there is no other alternative since based on your post you love him very much,  you have to deal with it....

[Tonya-E]

Ravo2009 I am sorry you are going through this but I wanted to comment as I have experienced a similar situation. I married my husband while he was on active duty in my state. After we wed I found out he was horrible with money and had many issues from debts before our relationship. I was actually told about the issues by his family on my first visit to his home state. I too had many issues during my twenties and fought really hard to rebuild my finances and credit, so I was not so keen on opening myself up to allowing someone to destroy that. For the majority of our marriage we have not commingled finances. I work and have my own account and he did the same. Our first few years he continued with irresponsible behavior. He spent frivalosly while I saved and used money to pay bills. It finally became a strain and I had to really sit down and talk to him about the stress it was putting me under. It's really hard to feel like you are carrying the full load of your financial wellbeing. I began having regular conversations with him about our debts and involving him, even when he didn't want to hear or listen. it took a while but at some point it began to really sink in and he has made strides to be more financially responsible. Things can improve if he is willing. I still use caution, but things have gotten better. We are still married. He has since retired and works a civilian job. I continue to see progress....I can't say he completely gets it but things are much better and he is trying. My suggestion would be that you have to lay it on the line. You stated that you had no intention of leaving. I was at the point of bailing. It felt like I was alone anyway. You have to be upfront with him and work out some understanding for your own sake and health.

[Gunnar419]

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@Anonymous wrote:
It stresses me out that I am the only one who seems to care and that he would lie to me about this so that we are now in a less favorable position. I have savings he does not.  We also have an emergency fund (which he funded from his inheritance) that is for unexpected household issues like needing a new water heater, it is not accessible to him.

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ravo, I'm sorry about the fix you're in & I hope you can solve it by giving your DH the reality check tonyaether suggested above.

But speaking as somebody who has been in bad relationships and blinded myself to the true nature of the person I was with, I'm afraid you're deluding yourself. First, your DH is A LIAR. Say that again: HE IS A LIAR. That's not the same as being some devil may care guy who just doesn't pay attention to finances. He's a person who is willing to defraud you.

You also seem to think he's doing you a favor by putting up with you and your disabiliies. This suggests (certainly doesn't prove, but suggests) that he's put you at a psychological disadvantage in the relationship, that he's got you feeling grateful to him, as if he's doing you a favor by staying with you.

There could be a lot of reasons for you feeling that way, including your own issues of course. But the combo of his lies, his irresponsibility, his unwillingness to do what it takes to hold a job and your feeling of him doing you a favor by being in the relationship with you at least HINTS at the possibility that they guy in your life is a narcissist, maybe sociopath. Maybe not. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but in any case what you're describing does not sound like a healthy relationship and absolutely isn't a relationship in which he's being supportive of you.

[Tonya-E]

Gunnar you have a point. If after you have really laid it on the line he is still unwilling/unmotivated to make changes, it's deeper than my suggestion can assist with. My stance was my last attempt to make it work. As I stated, I was ready to bail. I feel like if he is the awesome person in other ways that you have conveyed, then he would be willing to hear you out and know that it's time for a change. He would get his act together if he wants to make things work. If not, you need to make some hard decisions.