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My SO's finances are a wreck.

Contributor

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.


stellar wrote:

Wow times sure have changed.  Used to be years ago that if a man wanted a woman to have sex with him and give him love and affection and care, he had to marry her. 

 

Now men are irritated at even paying for a dinner for a woman while she gives him everything.  


Can't spell equalitty without equal

 

Feminism says the world is better of with less chivalry.

Message 11 of 24
Established Contributor

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.


twosixohtwo wrote:

I've always been incredibly thrifty, much to my annoyance of friends. Definitely came in handy when I started grad school. Rarely dine out, never buy anything new, don't drive.

Recently, my income took a big bump—doing some consulting work, plus some inheiritance that has been put into high-yield investments. My spending habits haven't changed, and I'm building up a very nice porfolio. My only extravagance is buying a (used) bike I probably didn't need, but it's a beaut. But anyway, I went from scraping by comfortably to not having to worry if I'm making rent, and I'm incredibly gracious for that luck.

 

My SO, on the other hand, has a bad habit of blowing every last cent of her paycheck within a week. The concept of necessities before luxuries is lost on her, as is thrift. I've been trying to get her to switch to a local CU and open a savings account, but she's now $500 in the red in her checking account, so that's not happening anytime soon. Gave her a referral when I got my Discover card hoping she'd use it to smooth out cash flow; she promptly maxed it out. 

 

She's not spending on extravagances, nor faced with huge emergencies such as medical bills; she's just very, very bad at budgeting and impulse buying, and sometimes I feel the need to pick up the slack, though 90% of the time we split things 50/50. Example: I suggest we take a day trip out of town, nope, too much money for her if we split it. She suggests we go for a nice dinner, and her card gets declined, and I'm holding the bill. She isn't intentionally mooching, she just fears checking her bank balance before making a purchase. I've been there many, many times, much preferring to treat myself than paying the bills, but that isn't the reality of the world. Other times I have to reign her in, and say that maybe dining out every meal for a week isn't financially prudent, no matter who's paying for it.

 

However, I just hope this doesn't turn into mooching. We're incredibly honest about everything in our respective lives, but my income is the one thing I haven't felt comfortable to bring up. Like I said, other than one purchase, there hasn't been any lifestyle creep to give it away, but the time I spend laboring over financial and tax documents might be hinting at it.

 

I'm also torn, becuase I'd much rather spend money on others or for shared experiences than on myself. If we're going to do something or travel together, it'd have to be on my dime, and I'm okay spending that, but I worry that only would train her to rely on me rather than balancing her own books. On the other hand, if I don't, we're spending our weekends watching television and eating leftovers (which, hey, again, I'm totally fine with!) because she couldn't set aside $20 for fun. 

 

Any advice, or even own personal anecdotes, would be much appreciated. 


I understand your dilemma and your concerns are valid.  That being said, if you want to take a trip or go out to dinner, why don't you just pay for it?  I don't understand trying to go 50/50 on every little thing.  You want to teach her responsibility fine but it seems like you are really just afraid that she is going to start asking you for more and you are unwilling to give it seems.  You come across as stingy not only with her but with yourself but want to call it thrifty.  She is grown, so you can hardly teach her anything unless she is willing so it seems that this relationship may not make it in the long run regardless.  You guys are on different ends of the extreme and need to find a healthy balance somewhere in the middle.  I would hate to be with a tightwad just as much as I would hate to be with an overspender.  

 

And I forgot which font stated that they alternate with their boyfriend on who pays for dinner...I'm a lady, yes but I am not with everything involving the feminist movement.  Dating is meant for a man to court you in plans for marriage.  If he is unwilling to invest in nice dinners with me then I don't see how we can have a future together.  Will I treat him sometimes?  Sure!  But I have no intentions on splitting every restuarant bill 50/50, or movie/concert tickets for that matter.  As far as the feminist movement...all I want is equal pay for doing the same job.  I'm not trying to prove that I am equal in every aspect of life because in my mind, I already know that I am.  

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Message 12 of 24
Established Contributor

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.


Backwoods wrote:

I have been with some who sounds like your so. The first Mrs. Backwoods was the Local President for the Big Bank. Even then 30 years ago she made 6 figures. The only problem is spent 6 figures. She had an Amex gold and her bill was always 3 to 4K.  She kept me stressed out about money even though in theory we had in the shade. i finally had to leave as I was a nervous motional wreck.

 

My next long term relationship was the with the queen of tightwad. Her car was a nice BMW and her house was worth about $5 million dollars.  She was a Sr  VP for a fortune 500 and one of the first in country.  She made about $1 million dollars a year.  House paid for car paid for.  . She tithed quarterly to her Church.  She invited me to move in early in the relationship.   All her clothes she bought used.  She took a sandwich to work.  (No I am not kidding) Dinner was either ramen noodles or hamburger helper mixed with more hamburger helper.  I soon found out living with her meant doing the yard and cleaning. She used no hired help for a 10,000 sq foot house on 5 acres. Most weekends I was busy doing the yard.  All the neighbors had yard service but us.  There were only a few rooms we regularly used so she cleaned those while I did the yard. Her suits did not go the dry cleaners until 3 wears or dirty.  Aside from her tithe over 95% of ner net pay went into savings/ investments. 

She would not spend money for cable. We fought if I even wanted to take her to casual dining costing $10/person. (To much money)   She traveled a lot for work and had massive frequent flyer miles that we used for personal trips every few months.  Her only splurges were  a home office  as she frequently worked at home and and a nice dining room complete with Waterford Crystal and I can't recall China brand as the company had her entertain important clients every so often.  The co paid for food and waiter staff for the night.  After 3 years with her and having saved a ton a money I finally walked away when I met the woman became the 2nd  Mrs. Backwoods.    The 2nd Mrs Backwoods see eye to eye and no stress.  


@Backwoods I'm interested in knowing why you stayed with the woman for 3 years, if you don't mind sharing.  It seems like you stayed, stacked your money and then left when you were financially secure and met someone else or maybe I got that impression from how it was written. Would you still be with queen tightwad if the 2nd Mrs. Backwood did not come along?  I hope I am wrong in that assessment and if I am, please let me know.  

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Message 13 of 24
Valued Contributor

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.


A1Credit wrote:

Backwoods wrote:

I have been with some who sounds like your so. The first Mrs. Backwoods was the Local President for the Big Bank. Even then 30 years ago she made 6 figures. The only problem is spent 6 figures. She had an Amex gold and her bill was always 3 to 4K.  She kept me stressed out about money even though in theory we had in the shade. i finally had to leave as I was a nervous motional wreck.

 

My next long term relationship was the with the queen of tightwad. Her car was a nice BMW and her house was worth about $5 million dollars.  She was a Sr  VP for a fortune 500 and one of the first in country.  She made about $1 million dollars a year.  House paid for car paid for.  . She tithed quarterly to her Church.  She invited me to move in early in the relationship.   All her clothes she bought used.  She took a sandwich to work.  (No I am not kidding) Dinner was either ramen noodles or hamburger helper mixed with more hamburger helper.  I soon found out living with her meant doing the yard and cleaning. She used no hired help for a 10,000 sq foot house on 5 acres. Most weekends I was busy doing the yard.  All the neighbors had yard service but us.  There were only a few rooms we regularly used so she cleaned those while I did the yard. Her suits did not go the dry cleaners until 3 wears or dirty.  Aside from her tithe over 95% of ner net pay went into savings/ investments. 

She would not spend money for cable. We fought if I even wanted to take her to casual dining costing $10/person. (To much money)   She traveled a lot for work and had massive frequent flyer miles that we used for personal trips every few months.  Her only splurges were  a home office  as she frequently worked at home and and a nice dining room complete with Waterford Crystal and I can't recall China brand as the company had her entertain important clients every so often.  The co paid for food and waiter staff for the night.  After 3 years with her and having saved a ton a money I finally walked away when I met the woman became the 2nd  Mrs. Backwoods.    The 2nd Mrs Backwoods see eye to eye and no stress.  


@Backwoods I'm interested in knowing why you stayed with the woman for 3 years, if you don't mind sharing.  It seems like you stayed, stacked your money and then left when you were financially secure and met someone else or maybe I got that impression from how it was written. Would you still be with queen tightwad if the 2nd Mrs. Backwood did not come along?  I hope I am wrong in that assessment and if I am, please let me know.  


The extreme end or turning point with the queen of the tightwad came when we were in Chitzi Nitzu (sp)  southern Mexico with Aztec Ruins.  It was very hot over 100 degrees  and tighwad would not spend $1 for a bottle of cold water.  She passed out from heat stroke caused by dehydradatration.  I bought two bottles of water one for to drink the other for my shirt to use to cool her down.   Once she came to and realized I had spent $2 on her for water. This started a  fight that I "wasted" $2.  This fight contnued for 3 days in Mexico and all the next week.  By the end of week I was convinced I if 1) she got sick she wanted to be left alone to die rather  spend money or doctor 2) if by any chance I ever got sick and need to go to the hospital she would not take me because some either she or I would have to pay money for treatment. 

 

 

 

Tighwad and I  had a lot fun  and liked the same things but she  took savings to a whole new level   I have  always made good money and managed to save between everything a nice sum.   I have always been practical but only buying used clothing for Pete's sake. With events that were free she gladly go to.  Events her company had she would go to Free) .  Events including meals, parks that cost real money to go to she would go  not with out a fight.    To me there is no point in earning/saving money if you can't use it for some enjoyment.   She enjoyed her house and her car and had   nice ones but that was the end.  I thought for a long time I could encourage her have fun even if was on my dime because I liked being with her but she thought it was bad to use any one's dime. 

 

Money never figured into the equation. I already had more in savings/investments  when I met her than she did. 

 

The 2nd Mrs Backwoods I met after Chitzu Nitzu at a book review club we both belonged to at the time.  I had already ended my relationship with Tightwad and was planning on several quite months in Prince Edaward Island resting.  That never happened. 

 

 

Message 14 of 24
Established Contributor

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.


Backwoods wrote:

A1Credit wrote:

Backwoods wrote:

I have been with some who sounds like your so. The first Mrs. Backwoods was the Local President for the Big Bank. Even then 30 years ago she made 6 figures. The only problem is spent 6 figures. She had an Amex gold and her bill was always 3 to 4K.  She kept me stressed out about money even though in theory we had in the shade. i finally had to leave as I was a nervous motional wreck.

 

My next long term relationship was the with the queen of tightwad. Her car was a nice BMW and her house was worth about $5 million dollars.  She was a Sr  VP for a fortune 500 and one of the first in country.  She made about $1 million dollars a year.  House paid for car paid for.  . She tithed quarterly to her Church.  She invited me to move in early in the relationship.   All her clothes she bought used.  She took a sandwich to work.  (No I am not kidding) Dinner was either ramen noodles or hamburger helper mixed with more hamburger helper.  I soon found out living with her meant doing the yard and cleaning. She used no hired help for a 10,000 sq foot house on 5 acres. Most weekends I was busy doing the yard.  All the neighbors had yard service but us.  There were only a few rooms we regularly used so she cleaned those while I did the yard. Her suits did not go the dry cleaners until 3 wears or dirty.  Aside from her tithe over 95% of ner net pay went into savings/ investments. 

She would not spend money for cable. We fought if I even wanted to take her to casual dining costing $10/person. (To much money)   She traveled a lot for work and had massive frequent flyer miles that we used for personal trips every few months.  Her only splurges were  a home office  as she frequently worked at home and and a nice dining room complete with Waterford Crystal and I can't recall China brand as the company had her entertain important clients every so often.  The co paid for food and waiter staff for the night.  After 3 years with her and having saved a ton a money I finally walked away when I met the woman became the 2nd  Mrs. Backwoods.    The 2nd Mrs Backwoods see eye to eye and no stress.  


@Backwoods I'm interested in knowing why you stayed with the woman for 3 years, if you don't mind sharing.  It seems like you stayed, stacked your money and then left when you were financially secure and met someone else or maybe I got that impression from how it was written. Would you still be with queen tightwad if the 2nd Mrs. Backwood did not come along?  I hope I am wrong in that assessment and if I am, please let me know.  


The extreme end or turning point with the queen of the tightwad came when we were in Chitzi Nitzu (sp)  southern Mexico with Aztec Ruins.  It was very hot over 100 degrees  and tighwad would not spend $1 for a bottle of cold water.  She passed out from heat stroke caused by dehydradatration.  I bought two bottles of water one for to drink the other for my shirt to use to cool her down.   Once she came to and realized I had spent $2 on her for water. This started a  fight that I "wasted" $2.  This fight contnued for 3 days in Mexico and all the next week.  By the end of week I was convinced I if 1) she got sick she wanted to be left alone to die rather  spend money or doctor 2) if by any chance I ever got sick and need to go to the hospital she would not take me because some either she or I would have to pay money for treatment. 

 

 

 

Tighwad and I  had a lot fun  and liked the same things but she  took savings to a whole new level   I have  always made good money and managed to save between everything a nice sum.   I have always been practical but only buying used clothing for Pete's sake. With events that were free she gladly go to.  Events her company had she would go to Free) .  Events including meals, parks that cost real money to go to she would go  not with out a fight.    To me there is no point in earning/saving money if you can't use it for some enjoyment.   She enjoyed her house and her car and had   nice ones but that was the end.  I thought for a long time I could encourage her have fun even if was on my dime because I liked being with her but she thought it was bad to use any one's dime. 

 

Money never figured into the equation. I already had more in savings/investments  when I met her than she did. 

 

The 2nd Mrs Backwoods I met after Chitzu Nitzu at a book review club we both belonged to at the time.  I had already ended my relationship with Tightwad and was planning on several quite months in Prince Edaward Island resting.  That never happened. 

 

 


Thank you for responding @Backwoods.  Although I don't think your story was meant to be funny, I did get a nice laugh from it this morning.  Thanks!  Smiley LOL  She definately took things to the extreme and at dangerous levels, I might add.  I wonder if she is still tight with money now?  

 

I'm glad you found someone on equal footing with the 2nd Mrs. Backwoods.  Heres to a long marriage in eternal financial bliss! Smiley Wink 

 

SN:  We need champange emoticons.  LOL 

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Message 15 of 24
Valued Contributor

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.

I have not spoken to the queen of tightwad in over 20 years. We had/have several mutual friends who once in a blue moon mention her. Also I did look her up on Facebook and linked in a while back . She still never remarried. She was divorced when I met her her. She has since retired.  Her father had passed and she had moved in with her mother who was in her 90's.  She sold her house and made a hefty profit. 

 

She gave me many great ideas for saving money but just took it to far.  The 2nd mrs Backwoods and I both had some large medical bills a few years ago. If I had been with Queen of the Tighwad I am certain she would have told them to do not do any thing that costs money and left me for dead. Not kidding.   

 

Message 16 of 24
Established Contributor

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.


Backwoods wrote:

I have not spoken to the queen of tightwad in over 20 years. We had/have several mutual friends who once in a blue moon mention her. Also I did look her up on Facebook and linked in a while back . She still never remarried. She was divorced when I met her her. She has since retired.  Her father had passed and she had moved in with her mother who was in her 90's.  She sold her house and made a hefty profit. 

 

She gave me many great ideas for saving money but just took it to far.  The 2nd mrs Backwoods and I both had some large medical bills a few years ago. If I had been with Queen of the Tighwad I am certain she would have told them to do not do any thing that costs money and left me for dead. Not kidding.   

 


That is disheartening to say the least.  I wonder where her extreme views on spending come from.  There has to be some reason for this, right?  I mean, I just can fanthom someone being so adverse to spending money that they work so hard to make only to die and not be able to take it with you.  From the story I did not think she had kids, so maybe she plans to leave it to other family members.  This actually went from a funny story to a sad one now that I really think about it.  

 

I was wrong in my initial assessment...my apologies.

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Message 17 of 24
Frequent Contributor

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.

It’s Chichen itza.
Message 18 of 24
Established Member

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.

As the other's have mentioned, you two are incompatible in the finance arena.

 

If you choose to stay together, than I would stay financially separated on paper.

 

I would also NOT try to take over and start managing her funds. This will just cause her to find a way around you and she will most likely start hiding things from you.

 

You can't change her.

 

You can stay with her, but protect yourself.

 

Or you can leave her.

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Message 19 of 24
Established Contributor

Re: My SO's finances are a wreck.


Backwoods wrote:

I have been with some who sounds like your so. The first Mrs. Backwoods was the Local President for the Big Bank. Even then 30 years ago she made 6 figures. The only problem is spent 6 figures. She had an Amex gold and her bill was always 3 to 4K.  She kept me stressed out about money even though in theory we had in the shade. i finally had to leave as I was a nervous motional wreck.

 

My next long term relationship was the with the queen of tightwad. Her car was a nice BMW and her house was worth about $5 million dollars.  She was a Sr  VP for a fortune 500 and one of the first in country.  She made about $1 million dollars a year.  House paid for car paid for.  . She tithed quarterly to her Church.  She invited me to move in early in the relationship.   All her clothes she bought used.  She took a sandwich to work.  (No I am not kidding) Dinner was either ramen noodles or hamburger helper mixed with more hamburger helper.  I soon found out living with her meant doing the yard and cleaning. She used no hired help for a 10,000 sq foot house on 5 acres. Most weekends I was busy doing the yard.  All the neighbors had yard service but us.  There were only a few rooms we regularly used so she cleaned those while I did the yard. Her suits did not go the dry cleaners until 3 wears or dirty.  Aside from her tithe over 95% of ner net pay went into savings/ investments. 

She would not spend money for cable. We fought if I even wanted to take her to casual dining costing $10/person. (To much money)   She traveled a lot for work and had massive frequent flyer miles that we used for personal trips every few months.  Her only splurges were  a home office  as she frequently worked at home and and a nice dining room complete with Waterford Crystal and I can't recall China brand as the company had her entertain important clients every so often.  The co paid for food and waiter staff for the night.  After 3 years with her and having saved a ton a money I finally walked away when I met the woman became the 2nd  Mrs. Backwoods.    The 2nd Mrs Backwoods see eye to eye and no stress.  


This queen sounds like a woman after my own heart. If it weren't for the rather large age gap and the fact I'm happily married, she'd be catching my eye. I absolutely envy the fact she was able to save 95%! At her income levels though, saving 95% should be rather easy as the cost of living doesn't increase with income, contrary to what people may think. A multi-millionaire requires the same amount to live on as someone making $50k/year, it's just that some wealthy people choose to surround themselves with added luxuries to drive that cost up.

 

Priorities are different between people. My in-laws have two 7-figure homes with a single old tube TV in each, while my parents live in a trailer home with 4 flatscreen TVs. Both couples are happy, but would likely be miserable if living with each other.

 

The real moral of this story though is that people need to find someone who's close to them in terms of financial ideology. Someone who thinks spending $200/month on cable and internet is ok and shopping for new clothes every month is never going to find happiness with someone who sees every single retail purchase as throwing money away to the consumerism god.

 

On a personal note, my ex couldn't budget to save her life. She was the queen of living paycheck to paycheck and buying things for the here and now because that's what made her happy here and now. Drove me nuts, so I definitely empathise with the OP on that one.

Message 20 of 24