I'm not here to whine, just to put this out there as a caution for others and to put my thoughts to "paper." In 2012 I separated from my then husband. Within a couple months he filed for divorce. This was not an "ugly" breakup, and other than debt, we had almost nothing to fight over. That is where I made a HUGE mistake. I knew our debt totals were similar - the big issue that I did NOT consider was that his income was higher, and a huge hunk of his debt was the house he was upside down on - BUT, it was still his place to live. I moved out of the house approximately 6 months after we separated, and when the divorce paperwork was submitted. At the time, I couldn't afford to counter-file, and wasn't smart enough to really look at the numbers. When I moved out my credit score was 722 and climbing.
I moved out and suddenly was stuck paying for a bunch of debt that had been taken out on a dual income under my name. I was the one who had been the credit card holder, and the one whose name the personal loan we had taken out got put under. Trying to pay all of that, PLUS now paying for rent, utilities, etc all on my own, with a career that I had put on hold for nearly a decade to get his career going - well, you can imagine how this wasn't working out. I worked one full time job, another part time job, and if you took all my bills, assuming I didn't use a drop of gas or eat - ever - I didn't make enough to make all of my minimum payments. My stupidity got thrown in my face very quickly as I started to get more and more behind on payments.
Soon I was stuck with two choices - go through debt consolidation/management or bankruptcy. I chose to go with the first route, and got a payment I could afford, even if it was only barely. I also took some serious time to evaluate my career and start to get that back on track. This was not a fun time. I scrimped and saved just to pay my bills and was literally living on loose change much of the time. I knew not to mess around with things like rent, utilities or vehicle stuff - those were needs, so those always took top priority no matter what. Everything else became negotiable in my life, including food. $1 of pasta can last you a few days....
Long story short, 2 years after moving out of my ex's house, I have finally gotten a foothold on my career - it's still in the early stages from a long term perspective, but considering that, compared to what I was making less than 1 1/2 years ago, I am now making $10.25/hour MORE than I was then, I have paid off nearly $6,000 in debt, I have a budget I can live with, my credit score has gone up nearly 150 points from an all time low in the 450's, and I have managed to tweak my budget so that my sacrifices in other areas will allow me to enjoy the couple things that are especially important to me, making the struggles tolerable.
I still have a long ways to go. There is no quick way to recover from this kind of set back, and there are still days I get down about my situation or stress out over money, especially when my 19 year old "bondo-car" is threatening to blow up after nearly 260,000 miles. Now, however, my bills are paid, I have a small emergency fund, and I'm chipping away at the massive pile of debt I got stuck with. Last night was one of those nights where I was letting stress and expectations get the better of me, and I needed to take some time to get some perspective. Sometimes when you're in the middle of it all, it can seem like there's not a light at the end of the tunnel, but taking some time to really examine things can help too.
My main warning, however, is this: if you are even considering divorce, be sure to take a really good look at those numbers, even if you THINK you know what they look like. Then talk to some single/divorced friends about expenses they have that you may be forgetting about being in a relationship. Pay to counter file divorce papers, and be sure it is an equitable split. Don't make the mistake I did and just "get out" thinking that it will work itself out. It won't, and you'll be stuck picking up the pieces.
