11-10-2011 12:57 PM
Sorry for your troubles. Glad you could get such great support from the members here.
This is a case of needing both individual therapy (For her to figure out why she is acting out this way) and marriage counseling. It will blow up sooner or later. How can you trust someone you have to babysit?
11-10-2011 03:58 PM
This is what I would do. Start watching Suze Orman's show and Howard Clark's TV shows TOGETHER. join Financial Peace University through your church or on your own TOGETHER. Financial Peace University (FPU) is a product by Dave Ramsey. He is a little bit controversial as far as credit is concerned (he doesn't like credit and equates credit to debt and only "allows" it when purchasing a home financed at 15 years. I like his big picture however) but has some great tools available on his website as well as his books and DVD's and radio show. Do this TOGETHER also. Set some time aside to watch, listen and read these shows as a team. In the begining this may be hard for your wife but with time she will warm up to the idea of being fiscally responsible. Try it, you have nothing to loose and everything to gain.
01-08-2012 02:53 PM
Another thing, maybe your wife is feeling as though you can spend what you want but she cannot. If you don't have a budget create one together. Show her they you both have the same amount of "fun money" to spend and that a certain amount is for bill/savings no matter what.
(A good budgetting program is YNAB. Initially it is humbling to look at what you spend and your lack of money but it is good. Many other good programs exist as well. I am only suggesting it since it has worked for me.)
Just to add to Varakai, there is a show called "Til debt do us part". It might be a good one to watch together. It is about couples having issues with money and spending. It might just help the two of you get on the same page, being able to see couples just like you improve their financial picture.
01-16-2012 12:25 AM
CC - here's another perspective... (from my DH)
She hasn't completed high school. You are nearly finished earning your PhD.
The kids are in school now, growing up, and will someday leave.
Then what does she have?? A husband who is much better educated than she is. Kids who have left home. She will be alone, without you and without the kids. Her own insecurities are playing out over the one thing she has control over -- money and how she spends it.
Building off this, is there a chance DW is overspending for attention from you?
You mentioned school, plus a full time and two part-time jobs (though I guess school could have been one of those "jobs"). I'm guessing that you come home tired, and your three kids vie for your attention. There's a chance DW is acting subconsiously out of the desire to get your undivided attention.
Maybe in the back of her mind, she knows that if she buys something (or a lot of things) that she is not supposed to that she will get the extra attention she wants from you -- even if it is negative in nature.
01-25-2012 06:28 PM
I have not read through everyone's replies to you but my thought is this. I do not personally know you or your wife so any thoughts I have about the situation you have explained could be WAY off.
I will say that My husband and I are a one income family. I was extremely worried about completely relying on my husband to take care of me financially. I was scared that he would question every purchase I made etc. Luckily for us it has never been that way. It is very possible that she is blinded in some ways because she is upset about be told what she can and can not spend. Most of us can be stubborn and if that is the case for her she is not going to change until she no longer feels the need to defend herself. I know for me I LOVE shopping but we don't have the finances for me to shop often. My fix for that is that I shop at thrift stores all the time. It is always nice because you never know what you will find and many times you walk out the store with nothing but you got the gratification of shopping.
My husband has no clue how much our bills are monthly. Every once in awhile I have to remind him. I look at it on paper all the time. I tally the bills and income together etc. I try to show it to my husband because I think when he does not see it he is mostly unaware of how tight our budget is. Definitely have your wife tally up all the bills and income to have it visable to her everyday. Don't just write it down and give it to her... make her calculate everything. The most important thing is not to do any of this in an accusing or angry manner because that will definitely push her away.
Maybe you could make a savings chart that also includes monthly bills and put it on the fridge. That way the kids can watch the savings grow and your wife is once again reminded that saving is the goal.
There is also a good chance that she want change. I have seen many family members that shop, shop, shop to fill a void. Maybe the two of you could try counseling? Good Luck!
01-25-2012 06:30 PM
I also just wanted to add that my mother used to be like this when we were growing up. She was very unhappy and was always ordering things from the TV and shopping. She had to of gotten at least one thing in the mail each day. She has definitely changed her ways but my step father was VERY patient with her.
02-15-2012 02:27 PM
My husband is terrible with money therefore everything is in my name, the house, car, credit cards. When I have given him a credit card, he would use it without letting me know, then I would have to juggle the bills to make sure it was paid. Solution, I stopped letting him have access to any credit cards.
It is interesting that your wife is resentful, when you are the one that have been dealing with the chaos. In my situation, his resentment would cause me guilt until one day I realize that I can't take responsibility for someone else bad behavior. Also, in my case, since I historically fixed the mess that my husband would get us into, I think he always figured that I would “fix it” or that “you took care of it didn’t you.” He totally missed the point.
As was suggested, counseling looks like the route you should go.
02-15-2012 05:59 PM
I'm very blessed to have a GF with her financial head on straight.
02-18-2012 06:01 AM
I'm very blessed to have a GF with her financial head on straight.
She's actually the one that taught me a thing or two about credit/finances. And I thought I knew a thing or two. Go figure.
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