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Not married and buying a home

Established Member

Not married and buying a home

My Significant Other  and myself have been together for several years. we currently live together with our two adult children. I have been married before so im not really intrested in getting married again. its been my plan to buy a house before im 40 so that leaves me 4 more years to get it togther.  I have a great paying job, no credit card debt ( only student loans and car note). So im able to save about 700 dollars a month towards a down payment. but on the other hand my SO doesnt make as much and isnt good with saving. If by the time im ready to buy what will happen if my SO doesnt have the same amount of down payment?  we are looking into NACA so we dont have to have a down payment but If we are not married and something happens to one of us does that mean our adult  children have rights to the house?  Im ok with purchasing the house myself but im not sure how buying the house myself will cause stress in our relationship.  I love my SO but im not willing to give up my dream of home ownership. Not sure what i should do

Message 1 of 18
17 REPLIES
Established Contributor

Re: Not married and buying a home

From a purely financial perspective, if you are not married and you will be putting the majority (If not all) of the money in for the purchase of the house, it's generally not advisable to add her to the title.

Are the children biologically yours? If so, then they would be considered your heirs and would inherit the home.

Even if they aren't, proper estate planning, including a Will, can assign the property to them. It's always good to have a Will; Without one, your estate goes into probate and the State decided who gets what.

As for your SO, only you can decide if the risk of her feeling slighted outweighs financial prudence. Have you discussed this with her? Maybe if you put it in terms of "We have to save," she will want to save, too.

(I mean no offense by using the label "she" for your SO)

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Message 2 of 18
Established Member

Re: Not married and buying a home


Dalmus wrote:
From a purely financial perspective, if you are not married and you will be putting the majority (If not all) of the money in for the purchase of the house, it's generally not advisable to add her to the title.

Are the children biologically yours? If so, then they would be considered your heirs and would inherit the home.

Even if they aren't, proper estate planning, including a Will, can assign the property to them. It's always good to have a Will; Without one, your estate goes into probate and the State decided who gets what.

As for your SO, only you can decide if the risk of her feeling slighted outweighs financial prudence. Have you discussed this with her? Maybe if you put it in terms of "We have to save," she will want to save, too.

(I mean no offense by using the label "she" for your SO)

Thank you for this information. we both have a child  that is my concern if somtheing happens i would have to buy her daughter out of the home i paid for. I know this may sound harsh but I have been married and dirvorce before and im still trying to recover from the financial mistakes I made in the name of love.  I also read some place that if someone is living in a home and contributing to the mortgage, if you are not married they still can have claim to your home. 

 

no offense she is correct Smiley Tongue

Message 3 of 18
Established Contributor

Re: Not married and buying a home

Without a will, the laws may depend on your state. 

 

If you are both on the deed, in the event of your death it may transfer to her exclusively without a will. That's what happened when my mom passed. It went to her SO who was also on the deed. When he passed a few years later, his kids got the whole thing. Again, a will could supersede this, and it may differ in your state.



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Message 4 of 18
Established Member

Re: Not married and buying a home

Thank you will look into a will after the house is purchased
Message 5 of 18
Regular Contributor

Re: Not married and buying a home

I recommend seeing a lawyer and looking into the will before buying. I'm in a similar position in that I'll be buying a house with my not-married SO (but no kids). We'll be using a lawyer to agree on what happens to the house and equity should we separate, die, etc. Having been married and divorced, I'd like to agree to these things before rather than after.
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Message 6 of 18
New Member

Re: Not married and buying a home

That's really great idea so far to appoint a lawyer for buying a new house. Even I am thinking to buy a new one. I will surely appoint a lawyer then. hehe!

Message 7 of 18
Moderator

Re: Not married and buying a home


909 wrote:
I recommend seeing a lawyer and looking into the will before buying. I'm in a similar position in that I'll be buying a house with my not-married SO (but no kids). We'll be using a lawyer to agree on what happens to the house and equity should we separate, die, etc. Having been married and divorced, I'd like to agree to these things before rather than after.

+1

 

I know this thread is a few months old, but I still want to add for anybody who might be reading that you really (really!) need to get a situation like this worked out with an attorney in your state before you buy real property, not after.

 

If you're afraid of causing stress in your relationship, think about it like this... either of you having to barter for your own home with the other's children would be a whole new definition of stress.

 

Put another way, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  Smiley Wink

Message 8 of 18
Regular Contributor

Re: Not married and buying a home


Newlife240 wrote:

Im ok with purchasing the house myself but im not sure how buying the house myself will cause stress in our relationship.  I love my SO but im not willing to give up my dream of home ownership. Not sure what i should do


Since this hasn't been said yet, my advice would be to sit down with your SO and have the hard conversation. Your SO knows you've been divorced before, right? Knows you're hesitant/cautious about anything that merges finances? Then hopefully they've already accepted that part of you and it either won't be an issue, or they'll feel a little hurt but understand and get over it.

 

My relationship survived (and thrived) through an entire first year of me planning logistics through the lens of "but what if we broke up?" My poor boyfriend was an awesome sport about it. Yeah, me blurting that out dampened the mood a bit sometimes, but he know I was just looking out for myself and doing what I needed to feel safe/okay. So he accepted it, processed his feelings regarding it, and ultimately appreciated me for it.

 

Personally, if I were your SO in this situation, I would feel somewhat hurt if you went to a lawyer first before sharing these things with me. But that's just the way I do emotional intimacy in a relationship. Legal clarity is needed in order to figure out logistics, true, but as a partner, if my SO is going through a struggle but won't share the messyness of it with me, then I can't be there for them, with them. The intimacy of connection is then hindered, and that alone has the power to put a relationship in jeapordy.

 

But all relationships are different, that's just from my perspective. Good luck!

Message 9 of 18
Highlighted
Moderator

Re: Not married and buying a home


Batsy wrote:

Newlife240 wrote:

Im ok with purchasing the house myself but im not sure how buying the house myself will cause stress in our relationship.  I love my SO but im not willing to give up my dream of home ownership. Not sure what i should do


Since this hasn't been said yet, my advice would be to sit down with your SO and have the hard conversation. Your SO knows you've been divorced before, right? Knows you're hesitant/cautious about anything that merges finances? Then hopefully they've already accepted that part of you and it either won't be an issue, or they'll feel a little hurt but understand and get over it.

 

My relationship survived (and thrived) through an entire first year of me planning logistics through the lens of "but what if we broke up?" My poor boyfriend was an awesome sport about it. Yeah, me blurting that out dampened the mood a bit sometimes, but he know I was just looking out for myself and doing what I needed to feel safe/okay. So he accepted it, processed his feelings regarding it, and ultimately appreciated me for it.

 

Personally, if I were your SO in this situation, I would feel somewhat hurt if you went to a lawyer first before sharing these things with me. But that's just the way I do emotional intimacy in a relationship. Legal clarity is needed in order to figure out logistics, true, but as a partner, if my SO is going through a struggle but won't share the messyness of it with me, then I can't be there for them, with them. The intimacy of connection is then hindered, and that alone has the power to put a relationship in jeapordy.

 

But all relationships are different, that's just from my perspective. Good luck!


Well said.  Smiley Wink

 

If your relationship isn't such that you can have this conversation to begin with, then perhaps owning real estate together isn't what you should be concerned about anyway. 

 

Just my 2¢. 

Message 10 of 18