Parent: Son, can you co-sign a car for me?

[CollegeStudent530]

My parents' have had their car repossesed more than once. Are bankrupt. And constantly see me as an ATM full of cash.

Last week, I got offered a well-paying full-time job in the Bay Area as a recent college graduate. Instead of congraduating me, they jumped on an opportunity to ask me to co-sign on a BMW for them. I want a career. I invest and have savings. My credit score is 796. I refuse to become my parents and live pay check to pay check. I cried two days ago about this.

My parents never live within their own means and never budget. They lack a 401K and don't have life insurance. They live pay check to pay check, a lifestyle I thankfully didn't adopt. They also have a severe gambling issue and it was a real psychological traumatizing experience growing up for my siblings and I. 

A few months ago, my parents asked me for $2000. I didn't have money and they asked me to take out a cash advance. I said no. A year ago, my parents told me to lend them $300. I said no. Last month, my mom asked me to pay for the phone bill with my credit card. I said no. I was a broke college student with a full schedule and a part-time job. They asked me to take out loans for them and I refused. I told them about the interest rates and fees.

Fees? Interest? They told me I didn't have to pay back student loans. They feel entitled to this supposedly "free money" and told me no one pays back student loans. I understand componding interest.  I want to buy a house one day. 

Why were they struggling with money? They make unnecessary home improvements that don't add value to the house. They don't save and eat out a lot -- never on a budget. They use multiple pipelines for money, constantly asking my uncle and grandma for cash. When my grandpa passed away, he left $20,000 for my grandma. Now? It's all gone because of my parents. 

I gave them an ultimatum last time: If I give them cash, will they stop gambling? No. They told me as a "son," I had no right to lecture them. I don't even have the right to ask "where the money is going" and that it is my responsibility as a son to give them cash. I constantly got "disowned" and called a terrible son.

Thankfully, my significant other supports my stand. It's just tough, you know? Having a parent ask me for money when it should be the other way around -- if any at all. I would help my parents if gambling wasn't in the picture.

I am slowly starting to take ownership of all my bills. I'm getting my own cellphone. I plan on purchasing a car soon. I'd rather be independent than have them hold something over my head. I'm grateful for them, but it just depresses me that my parents would choose gambling and financial irresponsibility over their own family.

Does anyone know of any similar situations? It's real tough for me. 

[IOBA]

Hang in there.

I have posted about a similiar situation.  I have been asked to pay the electric bill by 4 pm the same day so that the power would not be shut off.

I could go on and on about the topic.  

Here are some of the things that I did:

* created a budget for them (they ignored it)

* offered to talk to their creditors (they said no)

* gift them with gift cards for the grocery store OR have food delivered to their home (as a gift, no cash)

* told them how to negotiation with their creditors (er, they claim that they are now doing this)

* told them about cheaper ways to live 

 - cheaper cell phone (no way, I'd loose my senior discount that they owe me! Really?? Paying $50 a month is better than paying $12 a month?Ok.)

 - budget plan for the electric (no way, they'd charge me more than I might use in amonth.  They could not grasp the concept of how it works.)

 - reducing insurance coverage (why?  what if something happens?)

 - hang your clothes up  to dry (why? then I would have to take them down if it rained)

 - stop sending gifts to people - a phone call will do

 - use your cell phone - all of those unused monthly minutes - to make long distance phone calls instead of having a long distance phone plan on the house phone!

As you can see, they had objections to every single suggestion I had.  I stopped taking their calls.  That was hard to do. They would leave messages on my voicemail. Would you please pay  the electric bill by 4pm so it doesn't get turned off?  Here's the info...  

This has been going on for years.  Supposedly now, they are paying off their bills one by one.  I really don't know if it's true or not.  They won't give me a POA so I can't legally check.  And I don't know if they are now living within their means.  By my standards, they had MORE than enough income to live very comfortably and be able to save.

So hang in there, let them disown you, and don't bail them OR bail your siblings OR bail any other family member out.  It's your life.

And if you do talk to the fam, and they start talking about money troubles, you can sympathize and say, "Yeah, I know.  It's been such a learning experience getting through college and stretching that food.  I ate - and still do - eat a lot of rice because it's cheap!"

Private message me if you want to talk more details.  I have been there...kinda still am.  But now they don't ask me for money.

[IOBA]

PS - I also bailed out their old house out of foreclosure.  I had to borrow against my credit cards and use my house savings account to do it.  They said they would pay me back when they sold the house.  This happened twice.  Well, they sold the house and I never saw a penny.  (Their take home profit from selling the house was in the 6 digits BEFORE the decimal point.)

For the brief time I had access to their bank account, I could see that they had missed a LOT of mortgage payments.  They went into foreclosure.  Again.  This time, I did not bail them out.  

They lost a vehicle.  They nearly lost their home.  They feel they are super frugal and just can't do anything else to cut costs (which I tell them they can do more and how they could do more.)

Stick to your principles - don't loan them money and don't bail them out.  AND monitor your credit.  You never know if they would use your social security number to open up new accounts.  

If you can, educate your siblings.

[PandiferBear]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  I have one parent that really is bad with finances.  And she had her own addictions.  I saw so much of this growing up.  And then I turned 18 and already had issues out of the gate, because my SSN has been used.  YOU ARE DOING THINGS RIGHT!  Regardless of what they say when they try to emotionally blackmail you.  You are infinitely stronger than I was, and you inspire me!  No matter what, know that there are people on this forum that are proud of you and are happy you have your eyes on a wonderful goal.  You are strong!!  Remember that!

[laz98]

Sorry to hear about your scenario.

I'm not that young anymore, but I've always been that person that my family thinks is responsible for solving their problems.

I guess because I'm not married & don't have kids, I "obviously" just have tons of money sitting around "in case" they need something, right?

[MissMoni223]

You are definitely on the right track. Continue to stay focused and stick to your credit goals.  Unfortunately, sometimes our parents are not the ones to teach us financial responsibility. It's sad that some people just don't get it, especially when it comes to our parents.  Addiction is a very powerful thing, and only gets better when a person wants to change and it sounds as if your parents are not interested in changing their ways.  Keep your head up and guard your credit, just in case they try to use your info to get something without you knowing about it.

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound harsh, but at this point it seems like your parents do not care for your best interests.  They clearly have ego problems if they're forclosing on a house and then buying a BMW.  I think you'll need to distance yourself for a while.  As much as I hate to say it, I don't maintain a relationship with my parents because they were very strongly objected to my success. They wanted me to take a different route in life, which I refused to.  Now I'm married, have an excellent job, have 2 beautiful cars, a home and a nice portfolio.  Yes that ALL happened within a 10 month period of me straying away from the parents.  I do have my sad moments when excessive whiskey is involved, but over all.. I'm good .

[Kenny]

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@CollegeStudent530 wrote:

My parents' have had their car repossesed more than once. Are bankrupt. And constantly see me as an ATM full of cash.

Last week, I got offered a well-paying full-time job in the Bay Area as a recent college graduate. Instead of congraduating me, they jumped on an opportunity to ask me to co-sign on a BMW for them. I want a career. I invest and have savings. My credit score is 796. I refuse to become my parents and live pay check to pay check. I cried two days ago about this.

My parents never live within their own means and never budget. They lack a 401K and don't have life insurance. They live pay check to pay check, a lifestyle I thankfully didn't adopt. They also have a severe gambling issue and it was a real psychological traumatizing experience growing up for my siblings and I. 

A few months ago, my parents asked me for $2000. I didn't have money and they asked me to take out a cash advance. I said no. A year ago, my parents told me to lend them $300. I said no. Last month, my mom asked me to pay for the phone bill with my credit card. I said no. I was a broke college student with a full schedule and a part-time job. They asked me to take out loans for them and I refused. I told them about the interest rates and fees.

Fees? Interest? They told me I didn't have to pay back student loans. They feel entitled to this supposedly "free money" and told me no one pays back student loans. I understand componding interest.  I want to buy a house one day. 

Why were they struggling with money? They make unnecessary home improvements that don't add value to the house. They don't save and eat out a lot -- never on a budget. They use multiple pipelines for money, constantly asking my uncle and grandma for cash. When my grandpa passed away, he left $20,000 for my grandma. Now? It's all gone because of my parents. 

I gave them an ultimatum last time: If I give them cash, will they stop gambling? No. They told me as a "son," I had no right to lecture them. I don't even have the right to ask "where the money is going" and that it is my responsibility as a son to give them cash. I constantly got "disowned" and called a terrible son.

Thankfully, my significant other supports my stand. It's just tough, you know? Having a parent ask me for money when it should be the other way around -- if any at all. I would help my parents if gambling wasn't in the picture.

I am slowly starting to take ownership of all my bills. I'm getting my own cellphone. I plan on purchasing a car soon. I'd rather be independent than have them hold something over my head. I'm grateful for them, but it just depresses me that my parents would choose gambling and financial irresponsibility over their own family.

Does anyone know of any similar situations? It's real tough for me. 

---

I feel bad for you. I've had family members similar to this. You just separate your financial life from theirs and love them the same.. just don't involve money with each other and you'll be fine.

[BootStraps]

First and foremost, you are not a terrible son. You are the son of addicted parents.

Addiction, whether the form is alcohol, gambling or other, tends to have certain common traits. One of those traits is the utter obliteration of healthy bounderies. As parents, they are not entitled to drag you into their disasterous lifestyle. You have the right to protect yourself.

If you have ever watched the show "Intervention," you have seen the family and interventionist tell the addict "We will do anything to help you get better, but we will not contribute to this situation continuing even one more minute." This is probably the best attitude you can take in this situation. Saying to them "I love you very much but I will not enable you any longer." will initially bring a painful barrage of abuse but it is the only way that you can really be okay with yourself.

Two websites that I want to leave you with:

Gam-Anon- for families of problem gamblers:

http://www.gam-anon.org/

Sober Recover forums- though designed for alcoholics/Drug addicts and tyheir families, there is information and support on here that might be very helpful to you in the friends and family section:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

All the best to you.

[Anonymous]

Good for you! Continue to say NO to your parents. I too have had a parent ask me to co-sign for an apartment, other lines of credit, or to be added as an AU when they can't pay their own bills. It's hard, but they are not going to correct your credit when they default or don't pay you back.