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New Contributor
RRinTN
Posts: 55
Registered: ‎01-26-2011

Should I help her?

I need some input from experienced peers...

 

My GF owns her home and has a fairly new car.  She acquired these things and the debt that goes along with them prior to meeting me.  She had a good job managing a restaurant and could cover those expenses at that time.  A couple months after meeting me she quit the job after becoming frustrated with the owners (FYI -her ex's parents).  Since she has worked a few temporary agencies during the day and bartended at night until I was able to help her get a full time job where I work but it still is not enough to cover her bills.  She is about $700 in the hole monthly.

 

She is trying to sell her house but its been several months now and nothing is happening.  She is only going to break even from the sale if it sells.  She has nearly exhausted her savings and is soon going to default if something doesn't change.  I asked he to consider renting the house and she is uneasy with the idea.  This would be one option but again it has its own problems.

 

I considered moving in with her when my lease is up but I live 10 min from work and she lives almost an hour away.  She is staying with me for the most part because she too doesn't like the drive.  My two boys live with me and this would mean changing schools for them.  My oldest one in HS does not want that to happen and I care about how he feels about it. 

 

I make good money and can easily cover my expenses.  It came from a lot of effort and hard work going through school the last few years while working full time and I enjoy the fact I can provide for my boys the way I do now - something I was never able to do before.  Covering her bills means loosing that ability and could sink me in the short term, maybe long term if I am not careful.

 

Should I let her fail on the mortgage?  What to do?????  I pay nearly all our day to day expenses already so I am doing a lot for her.  Currently I pay one of her CC bills to help ease the burden.  I know in my heart of hearts that if she goes back to working two jobs it is pretty much over for us because I am not into part time relationships, otherwise I would just have remained single when I met her.  We have already been through that one.  Would it be better of me to walk and let her take care of herself just as she did before (2 jobs and no life)?

 

Help?????


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Senior Contributor
drkaje
Posts: 3,482
Registered: ‎07-25-2008

Re: Should I help her?

If helping might compromise the ability to keep things stable (long term) with your kids, I'd say no.

 

Walking away might not be the only option. Maybe there are loans she's qualified for, re-financing the house, or knuckling down and hitting two jobs until the house is sold.

 

It does seem that you're being a little wishy-washy, though. On one hand it's; 'I can't afford to float her'. On the other it's: 'I can't handle a long distance relationship".Figuring out what scenario will really work for you is pobably the first step here.

 

All the best

 

Jake


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jo75olds
Posts: 50
Registered: ‎08-18-2011

Re: Should I help her?

My advice would be to do what is best for you and your boys, becuase you never know how things are going to work out, and all of a sudden $700 per month becomes $1000, etc.

 

In the end it's up to you, but there are other options, try seeing if she can Refi her home mortgage, alot of mortgage companies are willing to work with you (they would rather get a little money, then no money at all), or a short term loan untill she can find a full time job.

 

Also, I don't mean to step on toes here, but if you are willing to leave if she has to get a second job, then this relationship isn't really headed any where, you have to make up your mind, do you want the girl, or not. That's what this all comes down to.

 

Jim


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Valued Contributor
ptr2593
Posts: 1,486
Registered: ‎08-14-2011

Re: Should I help her?

[ Edited ]

Here is what I read from the OP:

 

1.  Girlfriend in trouble because of her own decisions (quitting a job that she needed to cover expenses)

2.  Girlfriend refuses to rent even though it's easy money and she lives with you anyway.

3.  You're already paying one of her CCs - Hopefully this CC is used only for necessities and not frivolous spending.

4.  You have children.

5.  Helping her short term will hurt you and your kids short term, possibly long term.

 

To me it sounds like you're already helping quite a bit by getting her a job, paying one of her CCs, and letting her live with you.  Like the others who have replied so far, I think you need to put your family first.  I guess a lot depends on how serious you and her are about your relationship and future together, but in a world of uncertainty, I think it's almost always a good bet to protect and do what's right for your children while you can.

 

Edit:  Forgot this one thing.  I definitely don't think you should relocate your kids and give up your current (presumably excellent) home/work/school situation just to help her out.  If I were in this situation, and it was a serious relationship, the first thing I would do is figure out how much the girl would do to help herself (e.g rent the house, major spending cut backs, etc) and if she was unwilling to do things like that, even in the short term, I wouldn't help her. 

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New Contributor
RRinTN
Posts: 55
Registered: ‎01-26-2011

Re: Should I help her?

Thanks all for reading my post.  I guess my main question is a moral one for me.  I feel kinda guilty for my position on the subject to help her or not and I don't want to come off as an a$$whole for the time that I know is coming where I have to put things into perspective for her - she needs to accept that she is going to hit a wall soon.  She keeps holding on and this is starting to affect MY financial situation.  Long term - if we decide to move in to her house the situation is not going to improve significantly due to extra costs of the longer drive to work and being so far from everything else that we do (live work play).  In respect to the relationship being over if she works two jobs - well we already tried that and I know it would mean disaster for our relationship, it almost happened already so I am just trying to be realistic not demanding.  I do care for her otherwise I would not even be asking the question on here.  I guess I will have to have that talk sooner than later because I hear hints lately that she is planning around me helping her somehow and I feel troubled with that.


Starting Score: EQ 529 / TU 565 / EX 551 (NOV 2010)
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Valued Contributor
ptr2593
Posts: 1,486
Registered: ‎08-14-2011

Re: Should I help her?

[ Edited ]

^I was worried that she was expecting you help her.   If she's in a situation where she's expecting your help, that means she knows she needs to make a change(s) to get out of the hole and it might also mean that she thinks you're going to take care of everything for her.

 

Of course it's difficult to not help someone you care about, but you really have to think about your kids in this situation.  Your girlfriend, though it may be difficult right now, ultimately can take care of herself, even if that means defaulting or getting her credit stomped on.  If you get in too deep financially helping her out, however, you may get to a point where your kids suffer in more ways that just missing out on a few extra toys at christmas time. 

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haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,114
Registered: ‎04-01-2007

Re: Should I help her?


RRinTN wrote:

Thanks all for reading my post.  I guess my main question is a moral one for me.  I feel kinda guilty for my position on the subject to help her or not and I don't want to come off as an a$$whole for the time that I know is coming where I have to put things into perspective for her - she needs to accept that she is going to hit a wall soon.  She keeps holding on and this is starting to affect MY financial situation.  Long term - if we decide to move in to her house the situation is not going to improve significantly due to extra costs of the longer drive to work and being so far from everything else that we do (live work play).  In respect to the relationship being over if she works two jobs - well we already tried that and I know it would mean disaster for our relationship, it almost happened already so I am just trying to be realistic not demanding.  I do care for her otherwise I would not even be asking the question on here.  I guess I will have to have that talk sooner than later because I hear hints lately that she is planning around me helping her somehow and I feel troubled with that.


Speaking as a woman, I say that she needs to suck it up and get real. It's not right to expect someone (= a man) to ride up on a white stallion and do a rescue. And as a mother, I especially want to advocate for your kids. As an Army brat, I moved around a LOT, but my parents moved heaven and earth to keep me from having to change high schools, including having me live with my aunt and uncle for my senior year when they were transferred to the other side of the planet.

 

I have to say that she sounds quite immature and selfish. I hate that her house tanked on her; there's a lot of it going around these days. She might have to just cut her losses on that. But for her to expect you to sacrifice your financial stability and your kids' emotional and social stability so that she can hang on to her house is indefensible.

 

Maybe this will be an opportunity for her to do some growing up. :smileysad:

* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007
Valued Contributor
ptr2593
Posts: 1,486
Registered: ‎08-14-2011

Re: Should I help her?


haulingthescoreup wrote:

RRinTN wrote:

Thanks all for reading my post.  I guess my main question is a moral one for me.  I feel kinda guilty for my position on the subject to help her or not and I don't want to come off as an a$$whole for the time that I know is coming where I have to put things into perspective for her - she needs to accept that she is going to hit a wall soon.  She keeps holding on and this is starting to affect MY financial situation.  Long term - if we decide to move in to her house the situation is not going to improve significantly due to extra costs of the longer drive to work and being so far from everything else that we do (live work play).  In respect to the relationship being over if she works two jobs - well we already tried that and I know it would mean disaster for our relationship, it almost happened already so I am just trying to be realistic not demanding.  I do care for her otherwise I would not even be asking the question on here.  I guess I will have to have that talk sooner than later because I hear hints lately that she is planning around me helping her somehow and I feel troubled with that.


Speaking as a woman, I say that she needs to suck it up and get real. It's not right to expect someone (= a man) to ride up on a white stallion and do a rescue. And as a mother, I especially want to advocate for your kids. As an Army brat, I moved around a LOT, but my parents moved heaven and earth to keep me from having to change high schools, including having me live with my aunt and uncle for my senior year when they were transferred to the other side of the planet.

 

I have to say that she sounds quite immature and selfish. I hate that her house tanked on her; there's a lot of it going around these days. She might have to just cut her losses on that. But for her to expect you to sacrifice your financial stability and your kids' emotional and social stability so that she can hang on to her house is indefensible.

 

Maybe this will be an opportunity for her to do some growing up. :smileysad:


Sure would be nice if young women believed that.  I mean, a lot of us men feel obligated - chivalry and all that - even though in today's world women have jobs and work just as much as men do.  My girlfriend is one of those old fashioned girls when it comes to going out on to dinner/movies/whatever, but she also expects me to cook and clean too!  

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haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,114
Registered: ‎04-01-2007

Re: Should I help her?

IMO, it's not an equal relationship if one person is dependent on the other (as opposed to be mutually dependent and supportive, which is a great place to be.) It's not a question of who picks up the check, or who empties the litter box, as much as it is whether you're able to work as mutual partners, using one another's strengths to help each other and the relationship.

 

But then I'm old school, as in high school class of '72.  :smileywink:

 

And in defense of young women, my two daughters (in their 20's) very much believe this. They both carry their weight in their relationships. Their BF's seem to appreciate it, too.

* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007
Moderator Emeritus
beamMEup
Posts: 4,473
Registered: ‎12-31-2008

Re: Should I help her?

[ Edited ]

haulingthescoreup wrote:

IMO, it's not an equal relationship if one person is dependent on the other (as opposed to be mutually dependent and supportive, which is a great place to be.) It's not a question of who picks up the check, or who empties the litter box, as much as it is whether you're able to work as mutual partners, using one another's strengths to help each other and the relationship.

 

But then I'm old school, as in high school class of '72.  :smileywink:

 

And in defense of young women, my two daughters (in their 20's) very much believe this. They both carry their weight in their relationships. Their BF's seem to appreciate it, too.


I have to second hauling on this.  There's plenty of young women who are mature and carry their own weight.  I also have 3 daughters in their 20's and they would never expect their BF's (or now husbands) to save them financially from anything.   And it's not as if they haven't been through life's significant challenges - they've all put themselves through college, had medical disasters, etc.  There's a whole lota good girls out there - whether from my generation, my daughters' generation, or my mother's for that matter. 

Just puttin' syrup on something, don't make it pancakes.

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