@bada_bing wrote:Marriage isn't a 50%/50% deal. It is 100%/100%. It works best when that is the
understanding, but also the rules for property settlement in the case of a divorce
are patterned on equal shares of total joint income. Whatever sidebar agreements
parties might have about finances don't overrule how the split will be in the case
of a divorce. When/if you leave a marriage, you leave with 1/2 the accumulated stuff
whether you "earned it" or not.
Just my $.02 as an old divorced (twice) guy. If your prospective partner doesn't hold
with the spirit of the old vows and/or if there are no kids in the mix, why would anyone
consider marriage ? It is a contract intended to provide security for children and women,
although security for women has fallen from importance. My advice is don't do it unless
there is a compelling need for the contract. My advice doesn't mean I'm anti-marriage, just
that I think it has specific limited applicability and isn't a universal requirement for people
sharing time. Marry her when there are kids planned or when she wants a husband rather
than a subcontracted partner.
That is unless you have a prenup 
I'm recently married within the last month, and even though I have all the intentions of staying married forever I insisted we get a prenup which we did.
Thanks for all the responses friends. A lot of good points have been brought up. I'm sorry for the late response. I took a small vacation away from here so I'd quit applying for cards...haha.
Wednesday is the big day! I'm taking her to the botanitcal gardens in Memphis and doing it there because she loves Japenese flowers! Wish me luck.
Personal:
@Anonymous wrote:Bizarre rational if you ask me. You could have suggested that you start taking more hours so she could cut down on hours. That way it's 50/50.
But you want more recreational time. She works twice as much as you, and you want her to pay more than 50/50? Even though without her you would need to support yourself 100 anyway. I'm guessing since you work half as much as her your math made it 25 percent is your fair share? I really hope that your math also means your doing 75 of all housework, errands, and having warm dinner ready for her on the table when she gets home.
I would like to clear up one tid bit of the "she works more than you" idea that you're running away with in your post.
I already work two jobs and may take on a third for another 10 hours a week. I do take care of the majority (slack on laundry sometimes) of the household stuff because she works so much. It wouldn't be fair to have her clean stuff up after working the long hours.
No the math you proposed that I am thinking is off too. All I had asked for was 60/40 in rent and utlities stay the same. The $120 I'd "save" would make a huge impact to my ability to save, and not affect her hardly at all.
She is a perfectionist in her work and probably 90% of the time works more each day than she is required to because she hates leaving work on the table. However, being the head of housekeeping at a major hotel there is always work to be done and can never really be "done." So what I'm trying to say is she chooses to work those many hours and is not required to do so. Also as I said in my first post it's not that she said no, but how she said it and started a little personal attack on me. Thanks for your post though. Take care.
@dethkultur wrote:
@Broke_Triathlete wrote:We sat down and had a good talk about our casual conversation the other night, and there was some progress. After we talked about it we decided for now to keep seperate accounts so we aren't worried about spending the other persons money on something we individually want, which I get. Meanwhile we'll continue to pay bills out of our joint account and once I get my student loans paid off (last of my debt) we'll start contributing more to our joint savings for vacations and such.
Regarding the percentage payments she understands where I'm coming from and agreed if I ever started to struggle, which I'm not currently, that she would pick up the slack. She also said that if she wanted to move into a bigger place that she knows I can't afford she would definitely pay more of the bill. We take home nearly the same amount every two weeks because of her health insurance and 401K contributions (20%), plus the taxes on her money. Meanwhile my boss pays for my health insurance out of his company account, and I'm in a much lower tax bracket.
So we came to the agreements, which I'm ok with. As I've already said I just wanted to see her thoughts on the topic. I wasn't fighting for it one way or the other. She elaborated a bit on the "take care of myself" attitude in that she explained how she's been taught to be independant, yada yada yada, which I get when you're single.
She also appologized for getting so mad and "attacking" me. She emphasized again she doesn't care how much I make or where I work just as long as I'm happy. She also admitted that I make more than she does based on the hours that I work and she said she wished she had my job.
All in all it was a good convo, and I'm definitely not what the "F" as I was a few nights ago.
Wow a tough situation. I'm a little bit older than you and have a couple of daughters now, and have spent a good deal of time lately reflecting on how people are engotiating relationships these days, so fwiw here's an opinion.
First, realize that you guys are still young, are prone to making definitive statements, and that wisdom will make each of you change your positions over time. So, keep that in mind with your fiance, she may mellow on this.
Second, a factor in this is the messages young men and women get in their lives these days, from their moms, their favorite pop stars, Disney characters, college professors, etc. I think its a good thing that women are getting tons of messages to be self-reliant, not rely on a man, be diligent about red lines that are crossed in a relationship, etc. All good things, but sometimes it can morph into not being vulnerable in a relationship, not letting yourself experience the joy of a joint venture that a marriage should be. Your fiance has a bit of that right now, it'll probably soften as she really commits to you. On the flip side, messages to boys really haven't changed much. You are the provider, the protector, etc, etc. The trouble is that women are happy to have you sprint in that role, until they aren't. I think there's all sorts of reasons that women won't clue you in that they aren't playing the role in that game you might subliminally expect (starting with, it's your game not theirs, but also because there is an undercurrent of contempt throughout society when men don't want to play those roles) but boys just plain never get the benefit of counsel and wisdom from other guys in their life. Relationships and how to navigate them are topcis of conversations among girls constantly, while for boys it hardly ever is (including with their gfs), you pretty much have to figure it out for yourself or through trial and error.
As I said, these aren't bad situations, just the background of what is going on. Your fiance is mentally and emotionally prepared to protect herself and stand her ground, good for her. Two people having that attitude probably doesn't make for a fulfilling relationship in my opinion, but this is the situation today.
You may try a couple of things: first, take the tack a woman might - you bring more to the table that just your money. Many women are counseled (rightly so) to walk away from this kind of behavior. Could you? There's fairness, and if your companionship and the pleasure of your personality are worth something to her, she whould show that and compromise (maybe.)
Or, if you are 50/50, then you will have equal say in how those expenses are spent. You have veto power. Insist and sizing down if you need to in order to have some personal slack. If she leaves the lights on, or won't cut the cord because you want to, eating out yet again, wants too expensive a present for her parents, or insists on the latest phone when you are worried about the extra $20/mo that will hurt you, that's on her expense sheet, not yours. It's her game, she shouldn't hold it against you. A woman wouldn't be shy about holding the line on stupid expenses like these.
Good luck! And don't despair, you guys are still negotiating this out. A marriage should be a joint venture, a life of its own that grows bigger than both of you, and there's joy in finding that someone has your back unconditionally in those one or two times in your life you really needed it. That joy can't be found in a situation like this, but your relationship has a lot of growth ahead of it so it very well could.
Thank you so much for your post. I think as we progess together things will be fine, and like you said I'm sure things will change over time. They always do!
@securingourfuture wrote:From a woman's point of view, we can be very selfish until we are actually engaged and married. Right now, she has no ring, so she is speaking like a single person and she may also be a little defensive or antsy when discussing finances. When my husband and I first discussed marriage, I didn't care that I made more at the time, we were splitting bills 50/50. Now that we have 3 children and a household, we both bring the same amount to the monthly pot (though I make about 12K more), but I have no problem paying for all of the groceries one month or shopping for the kids. There is a bit of ebb and flow, so I wouldn't put too much thought into what she is saying right now (but pay attention). After she gets a ring, she will be fluent in French (We, we, we) LOL.
Congratulations in advance and I wish you and your bride-to-be the best!
I did never think of that, so that is something to ponder! I really appreciate it. Wish me luck! I'm throwing my life away (I keed) on Wednesday. I got her a 2.15ct antique rock so hopefully she'll like it!
@Anonymous wrote:
@Broke_Triathlete wrote:I'm going to propose to my GF in 3 weeks when we're on a road trip. We've been together for about 2 years and we've talked about getting married for the last few months. So I casually brought up finances and asked how she thought they should be handled. She makes almost twice of what I make, for the record. She immediately said we should keep separate accounts in case something happens years down the road. I said, "OK" but was thinking why would one think like that (about something happening down the road.) I sorta get it but my mom and dad has one account and even to this day they say it's not his or her money, but "our" money. So I have been raised on joint money train of thought, but I understand not everyone is like that.
So then I asked after we do get hitched what she thought about dividing up costs of living based on income since bills take a larger hit to me then it does to her. She then said, "Why should I be penalized for making more and what motivation would you have to get a better job if you pay less?"
I'm sorta taken back and not quite sure what to think. I felt a little attacked to be honest. I completely supported my ex for 3 years while we were together. So I guess what I'm saying is if it were her asking me this I'd understand and almost without thinking about it agree to do that because that would be considered fair.
It's not so much her saying absolutely not, but more or less being attacked in her response.
Thoughts?
What are your ages? Not to be mean but that reaction does not bode well for the future. There are plenty of life situations that will have her reacting with a similar attitude. There is nothing wrong with keeping separate accounts (seems to be the norm lately) but there IS a way to divide up bills and not impacting your pay with the same level of hers.
Good luck, I fear you will need it.
I'm 31 and she's 27. I've decided to leave the cost division alone for the time being. I'm sure it'll work out on its own.
