So I mentioned after we get married we should...

[Anonymous]

Hey BroTri! That did come off really harsh. Sorry. I really do you you guys figure out something fair for you and her. 

[Anonymous]

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@Broke_Triathlete wrote:

I'm going to propose to my GF in 3 weeks when we're on a road trip. We've been together for about 2 years and we've talked about getting married for the last few months. So I casually brought up finances and asked how she thought they should be handled. She makes almost twice of what I make, for the record. She immediately said we should keep separate accounts in case something happens years down the road. I said, "OK" but was thinking why would one think like that (about something happening down the road.) I sorta get it but my mom and dad has one account and even to this day they say it's not his or her money, but "our" money. So I have been raised on joint money train of thought, but I understand not everyone is like that. 

So then I asked after we do get hitched what she thought about dividing up costs of living based on income since bills take a larger hit to me then it does to her. She then said, "Why should I be penalized for making more and what motivation would you have to get a better job if you pay less?"

I'm sorta taken back and not quite sure what to think. I felt a little attacked to be honest. I completely supported my ex for 3 years while we were together. So I guess what I'm saying is if it were her asking me this I'd understand and almost without thinking about it agree to do that because that would be considered fair. 

It's not so much her saying absolutely not, but more or less being attacked in her response. 

Thoughts?

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what i'm saying is not going to change what happened, but you're also asking for opinions not so much as the situation but how it made you feel.

but it kind of goes hand in hand.

you may not mean to, but when you poised the Q the way you did, she probably felt indirectly attacked as well..

that said. i have advice... its not what you say, but how you say it, when you say it and the way its presented.

i totally understand where you (as well as her) is coming from.

if you want to have a conversation about it, i would approach it differently next time.

i would mention that now you guys are about to start your lives together--not hitched, hitched just sounds...anywys, now that you guys will be commingling your life(s) and starting this journey together, its good to sit down and have some sort of foundation, understand her goals, as well as yours...really make sure before tying the knot.

does she want kids? eventually? any rough numbers? broad stuff like that 

but also the little things like...where she spends the money most and where you spend money most.  by this, i mean everyone's priorities are different..myself..i am SO cheap when it comes to certain things (have been commented on) as well as i spend so much on others (also noted). basically i've been called a cheaparse and a baller.

so if i were you, i would have said, lets sit down and really talk about it in a thorough discussion; and than make a habit of at least taking 15 mins every week or two weeks, to make sure we're still on track.  

but the initial talk of how much is spent on groceries, household supplies, etc...as well as vacations or big expenses you guys want to take...saving goals...etcetc..is SUPER important.

and this also opens the discussion of household expenses, mortgage/rent..and how its split.

i mean, if you're willing to be on a safeway brand budget of toilet rolls and detergent but she wants charmin and whole foods.. than you can say, you have only xyz budgeted for it. as a couple, she should either be able to meet you at that level and be OK with it, and still split the household expenses 50/50, or if she wants more, than to have you pay for half and she supplements the difference.

the whole idea is to 1) have a discussion about it 2) be fair (and also not make her feel like she's attacked as well for making more) and 3) to realize you're working TOGETHER on this and this really shouldn't be something you guys fight over.

and its very important that you know your salary, the take aways, as well as how much you'd like to budget to different departments depending on your own individual goals--but now that you're marrying (and not "hitching") her...you'd want to merge your individual goals with hers, and vice versa...its about building a life together.

and also anytime you have something in the future where its a little sticky, its best to approach it first by thinking, if i was in that person's shoes..how would i want to be approached by this?  

and all else fails, make them think its their idea (half kidding)

[dt3813]

I have to say I have been in both situations.  I have been in a marriage of shared finances that ended up financially devastating for me and I have been in a long term relationship (no marriage) with separate finances that has been wonderful.  In my current relationship with "separate finances", we both pitch in financially albeit not equally, I was making triple his salary, so I always paid more.  He has been unemployed a year and although we keep our finances separate, I have been paying his bills and fronting him some play money.  I know that when he's gainfully employed, he will do what he can to contribute as much as he can to the household, knowing I carried the load entirely when he was unemployed.  That being said, all things are still separate.  And in the seven years we've been together we've never fought over money, which I can not say about my ex-marriage.  Money fighting was a constant.....just my 2 cents.  My parents also keep VERY separate finances and also never argue about money.

[Pway]

OP,  I wish you the best.  If it was me I would of taken a step back.  Finances is one of the major reasons for break up and divorce in this country.  Having a understanding before marriage would be best and ideal.  I just don't agree with her statement behind your question.  It is all about compromise, give and take and it seems to me that she is not about that. 

[Thomas_Thumb]

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@Anonymous wrote:

This is just how it is.  If the guy makes more money he's supposed to pay more, if the girl makes more money everyone pays the same.  I would recommend not marrying a woman who makes more money than you who takes that stand.  She's going to pull the "well, I make more money than you" everytime you have a disagreement with her.  My advice, if you want to be with her figure out how to make more money.

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Let's get real here.

My dad used to say "its just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl as a poor girl". He was absolutely correct. Unfortunately, it's not often you meet the rich girl. If you do and she "only" wants to pay half - so what, she's paying half. If you stay together long term, all should work out - as long as there is mutual respect.

"Talking about my generation", the man was the expected to be the provider. Now the woman is expected to contribute half and also still manage household responsibilities (in most cases). What's wrong with that picture?

On the flip side, the one who makes more money does not get to make decisions - just because. That type of mentality is disrespectful and leads to resentment and an unhappy relationship..

[Anonymous]

just to throw in my two cents.

This is obviously a very peronsal decision, preferably one that is discussed before marraige, which is of course water under the bridge at this point in your situation. My personal opinion (not meant to disparage your wife's view) is that a married couple is in it together; as such my wife and I share 1 account. I am the only income earner, so our mortgage, car loan(s), credit cards, etc are all in my name, and I've added her as AU on my cards, and she's on the title for the home. I personally have no problem with this. Even though I'm the only one "earning" money, I couldn't do what I do without her. It's a team effort. Her non-monetary contributions allow me to suceed in my career and earn what I earn. All that said, I also know of plenty of couples that maintain seperate accounts, have some sort of system to share costs, and are completely happy doing so. At the end of the day there is no single right way to do it. The important thing is that you're both on the same page. Sharing accounts is fine, seperate accounts is also fine. The rub comes when you want opposite things. That will lead to resentment in an area that is REALLY tough to overcome. You both need to sit down, have a heart to heart and come to an agreement that works best for both of you. But you have to be honest with each other. Saying yes and going along with something you don't feel comfortable with will lead to huge resentment issues and will poision you relationship.

TL;DR - either way is fine, if you're both ok with it.

[Broke_Triathlete]

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@Anonymous wrote:

Hey BroTri! That did come off really harsh. Sorry. I really do you you guys figure out something fair for you and her. 

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Hey Kitten,

No hard feelings. I didn't take anything personal. I just wanted to set the record straight. I'm definitely not wanting to put her down because she's an amazing woman. She's just getting used to making a life with someone. My next post will be a nice read for you. Let me know what you think.

[Broke_Triathlete]

Hey guys,

I'm sorry I haven't checked in lately. I figured this thread would have died off but I'm glad it didn't. There is honestly a lot of great conversation and thoughts here. I hope this keeps going and hopefully gets stickied at the top of this forum. I truly thank everyone for taking the time to post in here whether you agree with me or think I'm a crazy bat. Thank you.

A small update:

She said yes, we'll sort of. In the midst of the proposal I don't think I asked if she'd marry me, and she didn't say yes. We sorta just came to terms and knew what was going on haha. She was completely clueless that she was going to be engaged when we came home from the trip. While I was down on one knee she kept saying, "Are you serious... Are you serious?" I kept shaking the ring box like, "Hey, looky here... This ring means I'm serious." Haha.

At any rate, it's been just over a month now and we are shooting for November 2017 because we both have to foot the bill. If anyone here has read my various posts about my dad and my bankruptcy you'll know that my family has nothing to contribute. In fact I'm the only person in my family that has a job. My father has stage 4 liver cancer and my mom has brain damage from an accident a few years ago and lives in an ALF. Her parents are millionaires from company stock etc, but she doesn't want them to help because the father likes to hold things over people's head i.e. "You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me" type of holding it over. Plus, I told her that I don't want her to marry into debt and I still have about $17.5K in student loans I want to pay off. I currently have been throwing $1.5K a month at them so it won't be long until I'm done with them. She completely understands and apreciates that I would do that. It's actually funny because she constantly says that she can't believe (with what I make $40K) that I can throw $1.5K at the loans along with bills and IRA. She said she's impressed. (Fist pump) I just live a life of simplicity. I enjoy nice rifle and all the acrutrements but could care less about what shoes, clothes, or car I have.

Again it's been a month as being engaged and she is constantly talking about wedding stuff. We've event spent time choosing wedding songs, type of food, etc. I'm really excited that she is soooo excited, but from a logical standpoint I don't want to bust my ass to get out of debt to just go right back into it with the wedding. So far we have been to two venues and have been looking all the time about it, thinking about food, DJ, etc. The whole shabang. Again for something that's two years away (at least in theory).

She wants an out door wedding (a barn type setting) which I could honestly care less about. Let her have her day. I don't mean "I could care less" in regards to marrying her or how necessarily, but couldn't give a **bleep** where. I told her I would marry her in a filled dumpster because I don't need to showcase my love for her, nor do I really care what people think, etc etc etc. 

So we're basically looking at a $20K bill and an extra $5K for incidentals. We first started at $10, then $15, and now it's $20K. So I told her before this gets out of control that I want to voice that since we have to foot the bill I don't want to get excessive. From a investment prospective it's a horrible investment. I don't want to pay $25K for something that lasts for 5 hours and I'll have to spend the next two years budgeting and living bare bones to pay off. I much rather live bare bones to make a nice investment, nice vacation or something towards our future. This is what I'm thinking anyways...

After we left the second venue she asked what I thought and I said that I'm concerned about the cost and before I could say anything else she came out with, "Honey, don't worry about it. I don't expect you to pay 50/50. This is a day I want and I know that you could care less where we get married. " I also know you are taking on this expense because this is what I want and not something you really want to go into debt over."

I feel like progress is coming and she's starting to "get it" now that we are more than just a couple dating. I really think being engaged is having her understand more of a "unity" type of relationship versus just a few kids dating for a couple of years. She also mentioned a few times lately that if I want to take a chance to improve my situation (job and income) that she would take care of all the bills to give me the ability to really do something. So again I think she's "learning" not necessarily how I want her to think, but hopefully how all couples should at least try to think. It's not about me or her, it's about "US". 

What do you guys think. I really think things are heading in the right direction versus what I was thinking when I made my first post.

[Dalmus]

I've been following this thread with great interest...  I'm actually close to popping the question to my girlfriend of 3 years myself.

She's a little paranoid when it comes to money because she watched her mother go absolutely bonkers with credit cards and ruined the household finances to the point where they were forced to do a BK13.  She actually has to buy groceries for them because her mom STILL seems to be spending money unnessecarily.  With joint finances, her father had HIS credit cut and cards closed because of his wife's irresponsibility.

My girlfriend and I have talked about finances and the future, and we're going to attemp to have a joint account for household expenses that we contribute to each month, and then maintain our own separate credit and savings/checking accounts.  She makes more than I do, but because we currently live in my house, I don't expect her to pay a significant chunk of a mortgage her name isn't on.  If we purchase a house together in the future, obviously that would be revisited.

To your situtation, somebody earlier in the thread seems to have pegged it...  With an actual ring on her finger, she seems to have started thinking more in terms of "us."

The ONLY thing I would gently discuss with her further is the job situation.  Reading text here obviously doesn't convey they way SHE actually said it, but the impression is that MAYBE she wishes you would move on from the Jewelry store into something "better."  I apologize if that's an incorrect assessment on my part, and mean no offense!  If you love your job, all bills are paid for, and she loves that you love your job, then that is a fantastic position to be in, my Friend!  I think most of us here hope for the same situation.    Just make sure there isn't a tiny kernal of "maybe he'll grow out of that job and get a real career going" in her thoughts about the future that could lead to problems a few years from now.

[bdhu2001]

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@Dalmus wrote:

I've been following this thread with great interest...  I'm actually close to popping the question to my girlfriend of 3 years myself.

She's a little paranoid when it comes to money because she watched her mother go absolutely bonkers with credit cards and ruined the household finances to the point where they were forced to do a BK13.  She actually has to buy groceries for them because her mom STILL seems to be spending money unnessecarily.  With joint finances, her father had HIS credit cut and cards closed because of his wife's irresponsibility.

My girlfriend and I have talked about finances and the future, and we're going to attemp to have a joint account for household expenses that we contribute to each month, and then maintain our own separate credit and savings/checking accounts.  She makes more than I do, but because we currently live in my house, I don't expect her to pay a significant chunk of a mortgage her name isn't on.  If we purchase a house together in the future, obviously that would be revisited.

To your situtation, somebody earlier in the thread seems to have pegged it...  With an actual ring on her finger, she seems to have started thinking more in terms of "us."

The ONLY thing I would gently discuss with her further is the job situation.  Reading text here obviously doesn't convey they way SHE actually said it, but the impression is that MAYBE she wishes you would move on from the Jewelry store into something "better."  I apologize if that's an incorrect assessment on my part, and mean no offense!  If you love your job, all bills are paid for, and she loves that you love your job, then that is a fantastic position to be in, my Friend!  I think most of us here hope for the same situation.    Just make sure there isn't a tiny kernal of "maybe he'll grow out of that job and get a real career going" in her thoughts about the future that could lead to problems a few years from now.

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I'm going to add my response from another post, but aside from that let's remember that people have their own reasons for their financial decisions. Treat it like a room-mate situation and agree upon exactly how much you'll contribute to the household bills.  Personally, unless you're swimming in funds, I see no reason to buy an expensive ring, but that's just me;  not all women would feel that way.

"Okay everyone.  This is my second time in the Rodeo.  My first husband, was horrible with finances and dipped into joint account constantly.  Caused over draw fees etc.  

My second husband is also not good with bills. My second marriage, we never opened a joint account. I handle all the bills and my husband transfers a minimum of $ amount to my account each month. We have separate credit.  I made sure that the amount allows him to have fun money.  When he works more, he keeps more.  

I previously watched women at my job with joint accounts with their husbands. Only the husband had the check book and they couldn't buy anything without going to hubby.  I refuse to live that way or have my husband live that way.  Thus, as long as the bills get paid, no one asks me what I do with my money.  As long as he contributes the set amount that we established, l don't ask him what he's doing with his money.

There are other things that I do for finances, but the basic is not to expect my spouse to be as OCD as me with finances. Put a plan together that meets my need for bills, yet doesn't treat my spouse like a child.  Agree upon major financial decisions and move forward."