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THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

My ex continues to spend money unnecessarily, even post break up when she herself is now struggling financially for the first time in 6 years.  Naturally, she's had no choice but to stem some of the spending since she is now responsible for her own bills, but literally every penny extra goes toward extra spending.  None if it goes toward her 5-figure credit card debt.  Obviously it's her life now and those choices certainly impact her far more now than they did when we were a couple.  It does haunt me though because she still presses me for more child support above what was agreed on, not because it's deserved or due to any reason other than "she's struggling to pay her bills."  But, she's struggling because she continues to spend... and because she's racked up CC debt.  Neither of those things constitute a reason as to why someone should receive more child support.  What bothers me more though, of course, is that I have to worry about my son through this.  I have no way of knowing if she's providing adequately for him.  If she can make a choice to spend $100 on him or $100 on herself, I feel like she'd choose herself 9 times out of 10.  And, that's pretty sad.  It makes me sad for our son.  He's still very young and can't understand any of this, but 5+ years from now, then what?  It makes me sick to think about it.

Established Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


sarge12 wrote:

BBS.....My marriage, which led to chapter 7 bankruptcy, taught me a lesson. We had tried several methods of splitting the bills, and I finally thought we had found a method that worked, which had her paying the mortgage of 650 dollars out of her 1100 dollar a month check, and me paying everything else including groceries. What I did not know was she had gotten 3 house payments behind...and hid that fact. After that, I did in fact find a solution, and the money did not cause our breakup. My solution was to put the absolute neccessities in my pay catagory...mortgage, power bill, water bill, groceries, etc. If it was not an absolute necessity...her car payment, phone,cable bill, entertainment, gas in her car, etc., it was her responsibility. If they cut off the cable tv I would have laughed. If they cut off the phone...well people have lived without one. The heat, lights, water, and house, along with the groceries were the things I payed out of my seperate checking account...we also from then on had seperate checking accounts. I did however know that the fact that she was so unconcerned about being 3 house payments behind...she repeatedly lied about it...meant she was probably not planning on staying, which I later found to be true. She actually had a boyfriend of which I was unaware. If I could suggest, in future relationships, you concentrate on providing the needs, and let her provide the wants. Just my 2 cents. For me, I discovered that serious relationships were in themselves, not a need for me, so I stayed happily single.


Excellent approach finding a way to protect yourself.  I'll have to add it to my bag of tricks!

gardening til: 02/02/2018..updated: 08/31/2017..rebuild: 02/2016 EQ: 648 TU: 642 EX: 657
Curr. Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 727, TU 04: 754, EX 02: 789
Goal Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 760, TU 04: 760, EX 02: 789
Curr. Score (Fico 8): EQ: 760, TU: 770, EX: 809
Goal Score (Fico 8): EQ: 800, TU: 800, EX: 809 - Take the myFICO Fitness Challenge
Regular Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Before a relationship goes too far each person should have all 3 of the credit reports to compare not just go by someones word. Smiley Happy with what I read on here and see on TV Court shows I shake my head this all happens to frequent still single and building my credit serious stuff will have to come later if I choose we all may need to get tougher.

Total CL $101,850 w/PayPal Credit In the garden until 2019. Smiley Happy
Established Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

My ex continues to spend money unnecessarily, even post break up when she herself is now struggling financially for the first time in 6 years.  Naturally, she's had no choice but to stem some of the spending since she is now responsible for her own bills, but literally every penny extra goes toward extra spending.  None if it goes toward her 5-figure credit card debt.  Obviously it's her life now and those choices certainly impact her far more now than they did when we were a couple.  It does haunt me though because she still presses me for more child support above what was agreed on, not because it's deserved or due to any reason other than "she's struggling to pay her bills."  But, she's struggling because she continues to spend... and because she's racked up CC debt.  Neither of those things constitute a reason as to why someone should receive more child support.  What bothers me more though, of course, is that I have to worry about my son through this.  I have no way of knowing if she's providing adequately for him.  If she can make a choice to spend $100 on him or $100 on herself, I feel like she'd choose herself 9 times out of 10.  And, that's pretty sad.  It makes me sad for our son.  He's still very young and can't understand any of this, but 5+ years from now, then what?  It makes me sick to think about it.


6 years of uncontrolled spending is hard to stop.  I guess that means the wonderful bf that was worth throwing away her relationship with you isn't bailing her out.  Your concern in how she may/may not be taking care of your son is completely understandable.  Have you been able to work out custody and child support payment with the court system yet?

gardening til: 02/02/2018..updated: 08/31/2017..rebuild: 02/2016 EQ: 648 TU: 642 EX: 657
Curr. Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 727, TU 04: 754, EX 02: 789
Goal Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 760, TU 04: 760, EX 02: 789
Curr. Score (Fico 8): EQ: 760, TU: 770, EX: 809
Goal Score (Fico 8): EQ: 800, TU: 800, EX: 809 - Take the myFICO Fitness Challenge
Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


LOTR wrote:


6 years of uncontrolled spending is hard to stop.  I guess that means the wonderful bf that was worth throwing away her relationship with you isn't bailing her out.  Your concern in how she may/may not be taking care of your son is completely understandable.  Have you been able to work out custody and child support payment with the court system yet?


Yeah and I find that a bit curious.  I know her new interest has an income far in excess to mine, but seemingly she isn't seeing anything from him financially.  I find that odd.  We have worked out custody between us without involving the court system.  Everything is in writing.  We split the time with our son exactly 50/50; one week she has him 3 days and me 4, the next week her 4 and me 3.  The child support amount is based on the state percentage of my salary that she's entitled to since she makes less than me.  That number is what it is and I've been providing it to her monthly since this ordeal started.  Just because she "can't pay her bills" doesn't mean I should pay her more... and I WON'T pay her more.  I've told her many times that we can take it to the courts if she would like.  I have no problem doing that, as I know the judge won't (can't, really) order me to pay anything more than I'm currently paying.  Since we split up, my ex has taken on 4 new jobs and her income has increased significantly.  Once it gets to the point where I believe that her income is at/about my income level, which I do believe will happen within the next few years, I'm going to call her out on that.  If she admits that her income is equal to mine, child support ends immediately... as with 50/50 custody there would be no reason for me to be paying it.  If she is unwilling to disclose her income or I get the feeling that she's not being honest with me regarding it, we CAN take it to court where our incomes will be disclosed and the judge can handle it from there.

Established Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

LOTR wrote:


6 years of uncontrolled spending is hard to stop.  I guess that means the wonderful bf that was worth throwing away her relationship with you isn't bailing her out.  Your concern in how she may/may not be taking care of your son is completely understandable.  Have you been able to work out custody and child support payment with the court system yet?


Yeah and I find that a bit curious.  I know her new interest has an income far in excess to mine, but seemingly she isn't seeing anything from him financially.  I find that odd.  We have worked out custody between us without involving the court system.  Everything is in writing.  Awesome! We split the time with our son exactly 50/50; one week she has him 3 days and me 4, the next week her 4 and me 3.  The child support amount is based on the state percentage of my salary that she's entitled to since she makes less than me.  That number is what it is and I've been providing it to her monthly since this ordeal started.  Just because she "can't pay her bills" doesn't mean I should pay her more... and I WON'T pay her more.  I've told her many times that we can take it to the courts if she would like.  I have no problem doing that, as I know the judge won't (can't, really) order me to pay anything more than I'm currently paying.  Since we split up, my ex has taken on 4 new jobs and her income has increased significantly.  Once it gets to the point where I believe that her income is at/about my income level, which I do believe will happen within the next few years, I'm going to call her out on that.  If she admits that her income is equal to mine, child support ends immediately... as with 50/50 custody there would be no reason for me to be paying it.  If she is unwilling to disclose her income or I get the feeling that she's not being honest with me regarding it, we CAN take it to court where our incomes will be disclosed and the judge can handle it from there.


I love the fact that the two of you were able to work out an agreement without involving the courts AND that everything is in writing.  May I encourage you NEVER pay her in cash.  Have an account strickly setup for paying her and pay her from that account directly - just incase she gets any ideas and you have to show your payment history in court.

 

I do wonder if her new bf even knows about her financial woes.  Few men want to pickup someone else's financial mess and perhaps she wants to appear finanically responsible to him.  Who knows. Just continue to let your focus be all about your son. Whatever mess her financial situation is in due her own decisions and choices is on her, NOT you.

 

I know you are enjoying spending time with your son and building a close relationship with him. One thing for sure, he may not completely understand what is going on now, but he will in 5 or so years, he will develop his own opinion.  Depending on your state laws, in due time, the courts will allow him to choose if he wishes to stay with you 100% of the time.  Continue to build a good relationship with him and NEVER talk negative about his mom in front of him.  Kids tend to resent this and for the life of me, I don't understand why parents do this.

 

Good luck and hang tough.

gardening til: 02/02/2018..updated: 08/31/2017..rebuild: 02/2016 EQ: 648 TU: 642 EX: 657
Curr. Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 727, TU 04: 754, EX 02: 789
Goal Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 760, TU 04: 760, EX 02: 789
Curr. Score (Fico 8): EQ: 760, TU: 770, EX: 809
Goal Score (Fico 8): EQ: 800, TU: 800, EX: 809 - Take the myFICO Fitness Challenge
Member

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

15 years.. and all the time the srory repeats itself. I may only guess how difficult it is for you. Disapppointed, exhausted, tired and stressed. Don't give up. Maybe all these failures show that it is time to relax from your relations. Spend time with those people who make your life better. All thee 3 events show that the problem is money. So, here are some advice for you: 

-relax ( do not worry. Your nerves will not solve the problems)

-calm down (let your brain relax. Remove your brain from the negative thoughts)

-think positively( man, you've got a son!!! It's cool! Spend a lot of  time with him and you'll see how happy you are) 

Established Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

From rereading the posts in this thread it shows you have done all you can for your ex and continue to be a good dad. Just continue to keep documentation and always pay her with a traceable method in case she goes rouge if you end up in court. I hate you are going through this but you are being positive and not being emoational where it bites you in the but later. Some people are just selfish and you son will fnd that out sooner than later.

Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Thanks for the words of support above, guys.

 

I'm about 8 months removed from that relationship now and honestly I have zero interest in another relationship at all.  Not even 1%.  My focus is 100% on my son and anything I have left over when he's not with me goes into my job.  I have major resentment toward my son's mother, which I feel is going to reveal itself in one form or another someday.  So far we've been civil and kept it out of the courts, but I don't know how long that will last.  She's already talking about moving out of the area (maybe an hour away) and that's only going to put more stress on my son with the travel between us.  I find her simply being less and less involved in the life of our son and that's very troublesome.

Established Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

BBS sometime when you are not looking you will find some one thats your match.   When I met the 2nd Mrs Backwoods I had just gotten out of long term relationship and was planning on spending several months in Halifax, Prince Edward island and Novia Scotia alone; one of favorite areas for whale, eagle and puffin watching. It never happened.