Credit Card Center Advertiser Disclosure

Reply
Established Contributor
Posts: 826
Registered: ‎09-28-2016
0 Kudos

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

[ Edited ]

BrutalBodyShots wrote:

Great post above and thanks for taking the time to write it.

 

I did recognize earlier in our relationship, probably a year or so before the excessive spending started that #3 was depressed.  I tried to "get on her team" as best I could, but she wouldn't recognize the problem.  She had lots of warning signs of depression.  She was drinking every day (not getting wasted, but more than a couple of drinks) which to me was a sign she was trying to escape.  She was sleeping excessively.  She could sleep 10 hours at night, get up for an hour and then go back to sleep for 2 hours.  She wasn't taking care of herself very well.  She wasn't eating particularly well.  Her irritability was through the roof.  She always talked about how she felt unaccomplished and sort of trapped in terms of career/financial constraints that were revealed after having our son.  I tried to talk to her about these things, be there for her and help her through them but she wouldn't ever admit to depression.  I think she saw that as a sign of weakness.  She would admit to some of the problems (warning signs) I referenced above, but would never say that they were because of depression.  I mentioned several times that I thought WE should go see a therapist (I never pointed the finger at HER) and she always shot down the idea, citing "If we can't solve our own problems somebody else isn't going to be able to help."  I found this type of attitude quite difficult to deal with, especially when it got to the point that our relationship was in jeopardy and she still wasn't willing to go and talk to someone with me.  The excessive spending was sort of the last warning sign that emerged a year or so ago.  When we talked about it, she admitted that it felt good for her to splurge on things as it was filling a void.  I told her I was there for her and would like to help her fill that void in other ways, but she seemed disconnected from that idea.  

 

I'm sure her pursing another guy at this point is exciting to her and is making her feel alive again - another way to fill that void.  I question whether or not it's going to really solve her underlying issue, though, which I truly to believe is depression.  

 

I suppose by the time we got to arguing about money, the damage was already done as we weren't on the same "team" at that point as the previous post mentions.  I felt like I did everything in my power to get on the same team and it just came to a point where financial arguments simply had to happen due to bad financial place were were in.  I'm sure she resented me more for that in the end, but when it comes down to being able to pay the bills or not the choice really needs to be obvious at that point.   


Dang, BBS (and I really want to type the other word).  It sounds like #3 gave you nothing really to work with.  #3 issues are still there and it's only a matter of time before they re-surface as the newness of the new relationship wears off.  

 

There are way too many dynamics going on here (depression , adjusting to being parents, learning to care for a special needs child, dealing with a unloving childhood past that still haunts you, getting a masters (school is stressful), doubts about career, anger about finances, etc.)   Instead of seeing this as an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer, #3 got overwhelmed, more depressed, and checked out emotionally to cope.  Very unfortunate.  

 

Personal issues can be incredibly hard to face, but there is only so much a partner can do to encourage healing.  We can be there to gently encourage every step of the way, but if the person is unwilling to even try or have you take that first difficult step with them, then there's really nothing else to do but try to prevent any further hurt to each other's heart or to your son.  

 

Maybe this change, though it hurts, will be a new start for both of you: to heal, to grow, to love again.

 

At some point you have to be at peace in the fact that you gave it your all... to the very end.  All my best to you and your family.

gardening til: 02/02/2018..updated: 08/31/2017..rebuild: 02/2016 EQ: 648 TU: 642 EX: 657
Curr. Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 727, TU 04: 754, EX 02: 789
Goal Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 760, TU 04: 760, EX 02: 789
Curr. Score (Fico 8): EQ: 760, TU: 770, EX: 809
Goal Score (Fico 8): EQ: 800, TU: 800, EX: 809 - Take the myFICO Fitness Challenge
Valued Contributor
Posts: 1,617
Registered: ‎07-22-2015

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

These are all my opinions.

 

1.  Date yourself for a couple years.  You need a breather from the crazy.  Sometimes, the best dates are with yourself.

 

2.  Did you know there is a creditcard "enthusiast" meetup group in Southern California?  Meaning, now is the time to engage in hobbies that appeal to you.  Perhaps finding people that share your interests.

 

3.  Things people don't talk about but should. Money.  Religion.  Politics.  If you see me naked, we're gonna talk about those three things, just as passionately as we do other things completely naked.  Tis better to have seen me naked and part, than to spend years in a relationship household running in the red.

 

These are all my opinions.  I am in the credit rebuild from a horrid past relationship.  I thank that loser and my poor judgement for leading me to discover how to control my finances.

Starting Score: (8/15) EQ08 592 TU08 572 EX08 600
Current Score: (10/17) EQ08 693TU08 700 EX08 695
I flew for free and it was glorious. Nxt trip, 1st Class overseas. ETA 5/2018. My Butter is in the Freezer till July 2018.
Senior Contributor
Posts: 7,027
Registered: ‎04-11-2016

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


LOTR wrote:

BrutalBodyShots wrote:

Great post above and thanks for taking the time to write it.

 

I did recognize earlier in our relationship, probably a year or so before the excessive spending started that #3 was depressed.  I tried to "get on her team" as best I could, but she wouldn't recognize the problem.  She had lots of warning signs of depression.  She was drinking every day (not getting wasted, but more than a couple of drinks) which to me was a sign she was trying to escape.  She was sleeping excessively.  She could sleep 10 hours at night, get up for an hour and then go back to sleep for 2 hours.  She wasn't taking care of herself very well.  She wasn't eating particularly well.  Her irritability was through the roof.  She always talked about how she felt unaccomplished and sort of trapped in terms of career/financial constraints that were revealed after having our son.  I tried to talk to her about these things, be there for her and help her through them but she wouldn't ever admit to depression.  I think she saw that as a sign of weakness.  She would admit to some of the problems (warning signs) I referenced above, but would never say that they were because of depression.  I mentioned several times that I thought WE should go see a therapist (I never pointed the finger at HER) and she always shot down the idea, citing "If we can't solve our own problems somebody else isn't going to be able to help."  I found this type of attitude quite difficult to deal with, especially when it got to the point that our relationship was in jeopardy and she still wasn't willing to go and talk to someone with me.  The excessive spending was sort of the last warning sign that emerged a year or so ago.  When we talked about it, she admitted that it felt good for her to splurge on things as it was filling a void.  I told her I was there for her and would like to help her fill that void in other ways, but she seemed disconnected from that idea.  

 

I'm sure her pursing another guy at this point is exciting to her and is making her feel alive again - another way to fill that void.  I question whether or not it's going to really solve her underlying issue, though, which I truly to believe is depression.  

 

I suppose by the time we got to arguing about money, the damage was already done as we weren't on the same "team" at that point as the previous post mentions.  I felt like I did everything in my power to get on the same team and it just came to a point where financial arguments simply had to happen due to bad financial place were were in.  I'm sure she resented me more for that in the end, but when it comes down to being able to pay the bills or not the choice really needs to be obvious at that point.   


Dang, BBS (and I really want to type the other word).  It sounds like #3 gave you nothing really to work with.  #3 issues are still there and it's only a matter of time before they re-surface as the newness of the new relationship wears off.  

 

There are way too many dynamics going on here (depression , adjusting to being parents, learning to care for a special needs child, dealing with a unloving childhood past that still haunts you, getting a masters (school is stressful), doubts about career, anger about finances, etc.)   Instead of seeing this as an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer, #3 got overwhelmed, more depressed, and checked out emotionally to cope.  Very unfortunate.  

 

Personal issues can be incredibly hard to face, but there is only so much a partner can do to encourage healing.  We can be there to gently encourage every step of the way, but if the person is unwilling to even try or have you take that first difficult step with them, then there's really nothing else to do but try to prevent any further hurt to each other's heart or to your son.  

 

Maybe this change, though it hurts, will be a new start for both of you: to heal, to grow, to love again.

 

At some point you have to be at peace in the fact that you gave it your all... to the very end.  All my best to you and your family.


Thanks LOTR.  Doing the best I can here with the hand that I've been dealt.

 

Overall, I do feel pretty good internally about how I handled everything.  As you said, I did give it my all and I can't say that there's anything I did that I regret or anything I didn't do that I regret not doing.  When things started to feel "off" with us she gave me a laundry list of things to "work on" that she felt were hindering our relationship.  I slayed that list and hammered every point on it.  Did I hit every bullet point on it to 100% satisfaction?  Of course not, but I did with the majority and the ones I did fall short on were significantly improved over how they were previously.  Even she admitted this, that I met/exceeded expectations on all that was asked.  During this time however, I did have a few things on MY list for her.  She didn't work on any of them.  I think now that it's because she couldn't due to the depression.  My list was pretty simple... tone down the drinking to about half the week instead of every day, tone down the excessive spending so that she could help contribute financially some and 3rd and finally simply allow US the time to work on US... ie, spending free time we have together.  She said she wanted this, that she wanted us to spend more time together so that we could reconnect more and grow.  I ended up changing around my work schedule so that I'd be home more / home at "better" hours which was allowing us time to have family dinner 1 more time per week (Saturday's) as well as a little more time for her and I together.  I found very quickly that we weren't in fact spending any more time together, rather that she was just filling this time with "other" stuff.  Making plans with friends, sleeping, doing things she wanted to do (that didn't involve me) instead, etc.  I found that frustrating as I was putting in the effort for "us" and she clearly wasn't.  I'm not sure at what point her fixation on another person came into play.  I'm fairly confident I know when it started and that was before we had our big "talk" where we both laid out what we needed from the other.  So, IMO, she went into our sort of rebuilding phase already with a clouded head due to another person... which, naturally, makes focusing on what we discussed a near impossibility or at the very least much more difficult.

Established Contributor
Posts: 826
Registered: ‎09-28-2016
0 Kudos

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

LOTR wrote:

BrutalBodyShots wrote:

Great post above and thanks for taking the time to write it.

 

I did recognize earlier in our relationship, probably a year or so before the excessive spending started that #3 was depressed.  I tried to "get on her team" as best I could, but she wouldn't recognize the problem.  She had lots of warning signs of depression.  She was drinking every day (not getting wasted, but more than a couple of drinks) which to me was a sign she was trying to escape.  She was sleeping excessively.  She could sleep 10 hours at night, get up for an hour and then go back to sleep for 2 hours.  She wasn't taking care of herself very well.  She wasn't eating particularly well.  Her irritability was through the roof.  She always talked about how she felt unaccomplished and sort of trapped in terms of career/financial constraints that were revealed after having our son.  I tried to talk to her about these things, be there for her and help her through them but she wouldn't ever admit to depression.  I think she saw that as a sign of weakness.  She would admit to some of the problems (warning signs) I referenced above, but would never say that they were because of depression.  I mentioned several times that I thought WE should go see a therapist (I never pointed the finger at HER) and she always shot down the idea, citing "If we can't solve our own problems somebody else isn't going to be able to help."  I found this type of attitude quite difficult to deal with, especially when it got to the point that our relationship was in jeopardy and she still wasn't willing to go and talk to someone with me.  The excessive spending was sort of the last warning sign that emerged a year or so ago.  When we talked about it, she admitted that it felt good for her to splurge on things as it was filling a void.  I told her I was there for her and would like to help her fill that void in other ways, but she seemed disconnected from that idea.  

 

I'm sure her pursing another guy at this point is exciting to her and is making her feel alive again - another way to fill that void.  I question whether or not it's going to really solve her underlying issue, though, which I truly to believe is depression.  

 

I suppose by the time we got to arguing about money, the damage was already done as we weren't on the same "team" at that point as the previous post mentions.  I felt like I did everything in my power to get on the same team and it just came to a point where financial arguments simply had to happen due to bad financial place were were in.  I'm sure she resented me more for that in the end, but when it comes down to being able to pay the bills or not the choice really needs to be obvious at that point.   


Dang, BBS (and I really want to type the other word).  It sounds like #3 gave you nothing really to work with.  #3 issues are still there and it's only a matter of time before they re-surface as the newness of the new relationship wears off.  

 

There are way too many dynamics going on here (depression , adjusting to being parents, learning to care for a special needs child, dealing with a unloving childhood past that still haunts you, getting a masters (school is stressful), doubts about career, anger about finances, etc.)   Instead of seeing this as an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer, #3 got overwhelmed, more depressed, and checked out emotionally to cope.  Very unfortunate.  

 

Personal issues can be incredibly hard to face, but there is only so much a partner can do to encourage healing.  We can be there to gently encourage every step of the way, but if the person is unwilling to even try or have you take that first difficult step with them, then there's really nothing else to do but try to prevent any further hurt to each other's heart or to your son.  

 

Maybe this change, though it hurts, will be a new start for both of you: to heal, to grow, to love again.

 

At some point you have to be at peace in the fact that you gave it your all... to the very end.  All my best to you and your family.


Thanks LOTR.  Doing the best I can here with the hand that I've been dealt.

 

Overall, I do feel pretty good internally about how I handled everything.  As you said, I did give it my all and I can't say that there's anything I did that I regret or anything I didn't do that I regret not doing.  When things started to feel "off" with us she gave me a laundry list of things to "work on" that she felt were hindering our relationship.  I slayed that list and hammered every point on it.  Did I hit every bullet point on it to 100% satisfaction?  Of course not, but I did with the majority and the ones I did fall short on were significantly improved over how they were previously.  Even she admitted this, that I met/exceeded expectations on all that was asked.  During this time however, I did have a few things on MY list for her.  She didn't work on any of them.  I think now that it's because she couldn't due to the depression.  My list was pretty simple... tone down the drinking to about half the week instead of every day, tone down the excessive spending so that she could help contribute financially some and 3rd and finally simply allow US the time to work on US... ie, spending free time we have together.  She said she wanted this, that she wanted us to spend more time together so that we could reconnect more and grow.  I ended up changing around my work schedule so that I'd be home more / home at "better" hours which was allowing us time to have family dinner 1 more time per week (Saturday's) as well as a little more time for her and I together.  I found very quickly that we weren't in fact spending any more time together, rather that she was just filling this time with "other" stuff.  Making plans with friends, sleeping, doing things she wanted to do (that didn't involve me) instead, etc.  I found that frustrating as I was putting in the effort for "us" and she clearly wasn't.  I'm not sure at what point her fixation on another person came into play.  I'm fairly confident I know when it started and that was before we had our big "talk" where we both laid out what we needed from the other.  So, IMO, she went into our sort of rebuilding phase already with a clouded head due to another person... which, naturally, makes focusing on what we discussed a near impossibility or at the very least much more difficult.


The more the layers of this onion get peeled, the more my eyes want to water. Smiley Sad

 

You do realize that #3 was out of the relationship before "the talk"...it just took her however long it took to actually leave you.  I guess it takes time to get your ducks in a row, so to speak.  SMDH.  

 

I'm sure the depression played a big role in her not wanting to work on HER issues BUT, she also showed you who she was as well. It was apparently ok with her to get involved in another relationship while yall were "supposedly" working things it out.  That's messed up.  

 

And don't dismiss the fact that some of that spending may have been motivated by that new relationship.  I hate to put it that way, but I don't want you analyzing this one wrong - chalking it up all to depression and not seeing the deep character flaws that lie within #3 - character flaws, depression or not, that were bound to come out.  Don't let the depression be your soul excuse for her.  She was able to come out of that depression long enough to do the things she wanted to do including start and actively hide a relationship.  Just want you to see it clearly for all that it was.

 

I'm always amazed and ashamed at how human beings treat one another - especially those we claim to love and care about.  

 

You dodged a bullet my friend. Be grateful you didn't discover this after you married her.  Something tells me she's gonna regret her decisions here.

 

Focus on your son's and your well being.  

gardening til: 02/02/2018..updated: 08/31/2017..rebuild: 02/2016 EQ: 648 TU: 642 EX: 657
Curr. Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 727, TU 04: 754, EX 02: 789
Goal Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 760, TU 04: 760, EX 02: 789
Curr. Score (Fico 8): EQ: 760, TU: 770, EX: 809
Goal Score (Fico 8): EQ: 800, TU: 800, EX: 809 - Take the myFICO Fitness Challenge
Senior Contributor
Posts: 7,027
Registered: ‎04-11-2016

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Your empathy is appreciated. 

 

Yes, I am fully aware that #3 was out of the relationship before the talk.  At the time I didn't know this, but now I certainly do.  That's a huge part of the problem.  The lack of communication between us (not all her fault, I'm sure) kept the "talk" from happening sooner.  We did have little talks here and there, but nothing that ever threatened our relationship.  I never doubted US, nor did I ever think things between us were in jeopardy.  The first time I ever did was when she hit me with "the talk" several months back.  Upon doing some research, 2 days before the talk she either met or had spent time with the her new love interest.  She doesn't know that I know this to this day.  She doesn't know that I know anything about him.  I know where he grew up, what he's done for work for the last 20 years, his daughter's name, every country he's lived in and most important every single time he's talked on the phone (and for how long) with #3 for over a month now.  Perhaps she forgot that since she's on my phone plan I can see all of these things.  I'm fully aware of everything, yet she lies to my face saying that she just wants to be alone, can't fathom another relationship right now, needs to focus on her career only and nothing else, etc.  Lies.  Lies to me, or lies to herself?  Sometimes the questions are more important than the answers.

 

I'm not sure why she prolonged it.  Perhaps she wanted to "get through" Thanksgiving and the holidays for our son.  Maybe for herself so she could get more materialistic things from me?  Maybe her new guy wasn't able to focus in on her until after the holidays himself.  Who knows.  All I know is that I was giving it my all for 2-3 months while she was doing nothing but planning her next move.  Quite literally.  Moving out.  I feel like an idiot for continuing to give-give-give while getting nothing in return.  I guess love does that to you.  It makes you blind to things that are so glaringly obvious to others. 

 

So, my next calculated move is to determine when I should tell her (if ever) that I know about everything that's going on in her personal life.  As of now, the reason I haven't gone down that route is that I'm focusing 100% on my son and taking the necessary measures to ensure his well being is #1.  I clearly don't believe that #3 can possibly have his best interest in mind nearly to the degree that I can since I'm 100% fixated on him, where she has her mind on other things such as her new guy.  I feel like she's got paper towel tubes over her eyes so that all she can see is one thing (the new relationship) and as a result she isn't seeing other things that are more important such as her son.  Since she doesn't know that I know anything, she's obviously taking efforts to hide it and sugar coat everything she says and does with me.  I'm sure she feels that if I find out, I'll go nuts and verbally battle her, possibly create problems for our son in terms of custody stuff, maybe fight child support, who knows.  I think in her mind if she prolongs my finding out as long as possible, these potential issues will obviously get put off so she can continue focusing on her new guy and everything related to him.

 

I agree that a bullet has been dodged with respect to marrying her.  I was actually thinking about getting engaged this Spring (I thought this back in about Nov) and certainly am glad that I didn't decide to do so. 

 

Any advice on how to handle my knowing of her new relationship going forward?  Continue to keep it on the hush?  I do need to get to the court and file for joint custody and also make my move to be the custodial parent, which I think I can pull off since the school district we want my son to go to (the better non-ghetto district) is based on my address, not her new one.

 

 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 1,675
Registered: ‎06-30-2016

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


LOTR wrote:

 

You dodged a bullet my friend. Be grateful you didn't discover this after you married her. 

   


They have a child together...

 

__________

 

OP: Money is one of the biggest issues in a relationships, and one of the most difficult to immediately discern someone's attitudes and financial responsibility accurately. Worse, people's financial habits can and do change over time. Whether that's because of depression or any other circumstances, things can change.

 

I used to be terrible with money. My mom stole my identity when I was a kid and all three of my parents were terrible with money so I didn't learn good habits and didn't want to put effort into it until I got much older. I definitely stressed out some partners with all the craziness. I was a hard worker like your second partner, but couldn't even keep it together with all the chaos of my past consantly creeping up with no financial management skills.

 

I think it would be wise to find someone who either is open to being taught about credit and financial responsibility (yes, it can change unlike someone in the thread earlier said) or is already super into this hobby as well. 

 

The most unfortunate thing about the mother of your child is that her attitude about contributing was circumstancial when you met her, and there's really no way you could have known that. It may have been something she didn't even know. Like I didn't know how stingy I was before I was financially stable, because I used to spend all of my money because I was worried it would get frozen and I'd never get it back, but now I have to talk myself into buying nice things I like.

 

I hope you can meet someone who cares about finances as much as you do, and cares a lot about carrying her own weight. 


EX08 659 EQ08 660 TU08 695 Starting: mid 300'sGoal: 700
Established Contributor
Posts: 826
Registered: ‎09-28-2016
0 Kudos

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

[ Edited ]

BrutalBodyShots wrote:

Your empathy is appreciated. 

 

Yes, I am fully aware that #3 was out of the relationship before the talk.  At the time I didn't know this, but now I certainly do.  That's a huge part of the problem.  The lack of communication between us (not all her fault, I'm sure) kept the "talk" from happening sooner.  We did have little talks here and there, but nothing that ever threatened our relationship.  I never doubted US, nor did I ever think things between us were in jeopardy.  The first time I ever did was when she hit me with "the talk" several months back.  Upon doing some research, 2 days before the talk she either met or had spent time with the her new love interest.  She doesn't know that I know this to this day.  She doesn't know that I know anything about him.  I know where he grew up, what he's done for work for the last 20 years, his daughter's name, every country he's lived in and most important every single time he's talked on the phone (and for how long) with #3 for over a month now.  Perhaps she forgot that since she's on my phone plan I can see all of these things.  I'm fully aware of everything, yet she lies to my face saying that she just wants to be alone, can't fathom another relationship right now, needs to focus on her career only and nothing else, etc.  Lies.  Lies to me, or lies to herself?  Sometimes the questions are more important than the answers.

 

I'm not sure why she prolonged it.  Perhaps she wanted to "get through" Thanksgiving and the holidays for our son.  Maybe for herself so she could get more materialistic things from me?  Maybe her new guy wasn't able to focus in on her until after the holidays himself.  Who knows.  All I know is that I was giving it my all for 2-3 months while she was doing nothing but planning her next move.  Quite literally.  Moving out.  I feel like an idiot for continuing to give-give-give while getting nothing in return.  I guess love does that to you.  It makes you blind to things that are so glaringly obvious to others. 

 

So, my next calculated move is to determine when I should tell her (if ever) that I know about everything that's going on in her personal life.  As of now, the reason I haven't gone down that route is that I'm focusing 100% on my son and taking the necessary measures to ensure his well being is #1.  I clearly don't believe that #3 can possibly have his best interest in mind nearly to the degree that I can since I'm 100% fixated on him, where she has her mind on other things such as her new guy.  I feel like she's got paper towel tubes over her eyes so that all she can see is one thing (the new relationship) and as a result she isn't seeing other things that are more important such as her son.  Since she doesn't know that I know anything, she's obviously taking efforts to hide it and sugar coat everything she says and does with me.  I'm sure she feels that if I find out, I'll go nuts and verbally battle her, possibly create problems for our son in terms of custody stuff, maybe fight child support, who knows.  I think in her mind if she prolongs my finding out as long as possible, these potential issues will obviously get put off so she can continue focusing on her new guy and everything related to him.

 

I agree that a bullet has been dodged with respect to marrying her.  I was actually thinking about getting engaged this Spring (I thought this back in about Nov) and certainly am glad that I didn't decide to do so. 

 

Any advice on how to handle my knowing of her new relationship going forward?  Continue to keep it on the hush?  I do need to get to the court and file for joint custody and also make my move to be the custodial parent, which I think I can pull off since the school district we want my son to go to (the better non-ghetto district) is based on my address, not her new one.

 

 


Ugh.  This is all just ugly.

 

I can only tell you what I've done in this type of situation.  Only you know if it will work for you or not.

 

It is my experience when a person ( be it a partner, a friend, a family member - whomever) is lying to you or doesn't want you to know something, the moment that they learn that you know, they

1) will shift the focus off of their lying by turning the confrontation around on you (blaming you for spying, why they don't/can't trust YOU, etc.)

2) will immediately take whatever they are doing even deeper undercover to ensure you can't know what they're up to in the future

3) may lash out in very unpredictable - sometimes revengeful - ways.  Discovery of their falsehood backs them in a corner - basic instincts tend to take over like a wounded animal.

 

Given your son and #3's state of mind right now, it is my opinion that you don't reveal what you know until you absolutely HAVE to reveal what you know (if ever). I especially feel this way when there is a child involved as you can't be sure she will be honest on that front either.  At the same time, don't let it build up to a boil inside either- so it's a balancing thing.  People usually reveal what they know for the wrong reasons or to show they have the upper hand.  It usually always backfires.

 

What she is doing with the new relationship is honestly none of your business since you two are no longer together.  But it is, in my opninion your business to know exactly who you're dealing with and who's involved in your son's life.  You need to know EXACTLY what she is capable of and right now (because she thinks she's getting away with things and has you fooled).   You know she is capable of cheating and lying straight to your face. You know she is capable of saying one thing she wants you to believe while she feels or prepares for the complete opposite.  What else is she capable of?  If you show your hand too soon, you may never know.

 

Now some may see this as a huge violation of her privacy, but given her state of mind and her hyper-focus on this new relationship, to me, your first priority is to protect your son.  He is truely the innocent one in all this.  

 

Just be careful and use good judgement on this one.  Talk to those who know you and her personally that can provide REAL inside guidance.

gardening til: 02/02/2018..updated: 08/31/2017..rebuild: 02/2016 EQ: 648 TU: 642 EX: 657
Curr. Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 727, TU 04: 754, EX 02: 789
Goal Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 760, TU 04: 760, EX 02: 789
Curr. Score (Fico 8): EQ: 760, TU: 770, EX: 809
Goal Score (Fico 8): EQ: 800, TU: 800, EX: 809 - Take the myFICO Fitness Challenge
Established Contributor
Posts: 826
Registered: ‎09-28-2016
0 Kudos

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


lowkeyorca wrote:

LOTR wrote:

 

You dodged a bullet my friend. Be grateful you didn't discover this after you married her. 

   


They have a child together...

 

__________

 

OP: Money is one of the biggest issues in a relationships, and one of the most difficult to immediately discern someone's attitudes and financial responsibility accurately. Worse, people's financial habits can and do change over time. Whether that's because of depression or any other circumstances, things can change.

 

I used to be terrible with money. My mom stole my identity when I was a kid and all three of my parents were terrible with money so I didn't learn good habits and didn't want to put effort into it until I got much older. I definitely stressed out some partners with all the craziness. I was a hard worker like your second partner, but couldn't even keep it together with all the chaos of my past consantly creeping up with no financial management skills.

 

I think it would be wise to find someone who either is open to being taught about credit and financial responsibility (yes, it can change unlike someone in the thread earlier said) or is already super into this hobby as well. 

 

The most unfortunate thing about the mother of your child is that her attitude about contributing was circumstancial when you met her, and there's really no way you could have known that. It may have been something she didn't even know. Like I didn't know how stingy I was before I was financially stable, because I used to spend all of my money because I was worried it would get frozen and I'd never get it back, but now I have to talk myself into buying nice things I like.

 

I hope you can meet someone who cares about finances as much as you do, and cares a lot about carrying her own weight. 



lowkeyorca wrote:

LOTR wrote:

 

You dodged a bullet my friend. Be grateful you didn't discover this after you married her. 

   


They have a child together...

 

__________

 

 


Yes, I know.  

 

Marriage make things a lot more messy...atleast he dodged that complication.

gardening til: 02/02/2018..updated: 08/31/2017..rebuild: 02/2016 EQ: 648 TU: 642 EX: 657
Curr. Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 727, TU 04: 754, EX 02: 789
Goal Score (Mortgage): EQ 05: 760, TU 04: 760, EX 02: 789
Curr. Score (Fico 8): EQ: 760, TU: 770, EX: 809
Goal Score (Fico 8): EQ: 800, TU: 800, EX: 809 - Take the myFICO Fitness Challenge
Super Contributor
Posts: 5,794
Registered: ‎10-06-2007
0 Kudos

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

As an old Classic Rock song says, First you should look at the purse.

 

The first quailty one should look for in a partner is that they should be able to take care of themselves.  They should also have clear goials of what they want to achieve in life.  This could include being a stayat home partner, with kids, that is, but you have to be able to afford it on a single income.  I think people should either go dutch while dating or trade paying for things like dinner, movies and drinks.  Even if there is a large income difference between the two people, you still pay for something.

 

 

 

10/13/2017 FICO: EQ 829 TU 816 EX 826
Senior Contributor
Posts: 7,027
Registered: ‎04-11-2016
0 Kudos

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


lowkeyorca wrote:

The most unfortunate thing about the mother of your child is that her attitude about contributing was circumstancial when you met her, and there's really no way you could have known that.


Very good point and one that I hadn't really considered prior. 

 

To the person that just replied above, this is one of the reasons why what you said often may not even matter.  #3 was able to take care of herself just fine, support herself, pay her own bills etc. for years prior to getting involved with me.  However, due to circumstances (us having a child together) that changed and she changed both in how she viewed finances and how she acted with respect to them.  As was quoted above, I really don't see any way that I could have known that change would happen and it wasn't something I could have really planned on.

Forums posts are not provided or commissioned by FICO. Forums posts have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by FICO. It is not FICO's responsibility to ensure all posts and/or questions are answered.

† Advertiser Disclosure: The listings that appear on myFICO are from companies from which myFICO receives compensation, which may impact how and where products appear on myFICO (including, for example, the order in which they appear). myFICO does not review or include all companies or all available products.
‡ Credit cards for FICO Score ranges: The score ranges are guidelines based on internal myFICO analysis of actual applicant approvals, and having a FICO Score in a particular range does not guarantee you will be approved for credit cards recommended in that range. These ranges were not provided by any card issuer.

* For complete information, see the terms and conditions on the credit card issuer’s website. Once you click apply for this card, you will be directed to the issuer’s website where you may review the terms and conditions of the card before applying. While myFICO always strives to present the most accurate information, we show a summary to help you choose a product, not the full legal terms - and before applying you should understand the full terms of products as stated by the issuer itself.

Copyright ©2001-2015 Fair Isaac Corporation. All rights reserved.   | Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Sitemap

IMPORTANT INFORMATION: All FICO® Score products made available on myFICO.com include a FICO® Score 8, along with additional FICO® Score versions. Your lender or insurer may use a different FICO® Score than the versions you receive from myFICO, or another type of credit score altogether. Learn more

FICO, myFICO, Score Watch, The score lenders use, and The Score That Matters are trademarks or registered trademarks of Fair Isaac Corporation. Equifax Credit Report is a trademark of Equifax, Inc. and its affiliated companies. Many factors affect your FICO Score and the interest rates you may receive. Fair Isaac is not a credit repair organization as defined under federal or state law, including the Credit Repair Organizations Act. Fair Isaac does not provide "credit repair" services or advice or assistance regarding "rebuilding" or "improving" your credit record, credit history or credit rating. FTC's website on credit.