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Valued Contributor
Posts: 1,666
Registered: ‎06-30-2016

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

lowkeyorca wrote:

The most unfortunate thing about the mother of your child is that her attitude about contributing was circumstancial when you met her, and there's really no way you could have known that.


Very good point and one that I hadn't really considered prior. 

 

To the person that just replied above, this is one of the reasons why what you said often may not even matter.  #3 was able to take care of herself just fine, support herself, pay her own bills etc. for years prior to getting involved with me.  However, due to circumstances (us having a child together) that changed and she changed both in how she viewed finances and how she acted with respect to them.  As was quoted above, I really don't see any way that I could have known that change would happen and it wasn't something I could have really planned on.


My heart aches for you over the cheating and lying. My ex did this a lot, but the final time hurt the worst for me. I had moved back in, was ready to get engaged, and he had already gotten fixated on a new relationship. I ended up getting into his email after someone started emailing me telling me about herself and that he was possibly seeing someone else, too. I said something and he kicked me out of the house, but I do feel good about being able to state my feelings about introducing my daughter to another woman so soon. I think you should make it clear your feelings on that front after you file for joint + primary custody. Come across as the reasonable, responsible parent you are and you will prevail.

 

He didn't respect my wishes on the bringing of my child into his new off and on relationship, but it's all being noted for future petitions.


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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

LOTR,

 

Great advice as always.  I agree that harboring what I know and not revealing it is likely my best strategy at this time.  Like you said there are any number of scenarios that could play out once my hand is revealed and I wouldn't want one of those scenarios to somehow adversely impact my son.

 

I agree that since we're broken up at this point that I really have no business knowing everything that she does.  I do however want to know that she has my son's best interest in mind and that's something I certainly question at this point.  While the phone records I still have access to (until she gets off my plan which I hope is soon) don't tell me much, they can help me see her intentions and focus.  For example, when my sequence of 3-4 days is up with my son I drop him off at her place at 4:30 on X day.  Naturally you'd think #3 having missed him for 3-4 days prior would want to spend time with him right away (I know I do!).  His bed time is 7:30 so that leaves 3 hours to spend time with him.  Now, if she makes a phone call to her new guy and talks to him for 1-2 hours, it shows me that she's not focused on my son but rather her guy.  If she waits and makes that call after his bed time, no harm no foul.  It's little things like that which allow me to dig a little deeper into her intentions/focus. 

 

Also since they are talking on the phone every day for 1-2 hours, I can deduce that they're not seeing each other as it's nearly 2 hours of travel time to make that happen.  If I see that they don't talk, I can deduce that they ARE with each other.  Again, this pattern may seem as if it isn't my business, but if I get the impression that my son is involved in any of "their time" (ESPECIALLY if she were to bring him 2 hours out of the area to her new guy's place) it could become a problem.  Hopefully that makes sense.  Also, while I certainly hope for the best I'm naturally expecting the worst at this point.  I need to plan for one day being in court with her likley undergoing some custody type battle.  Any evidence I have, as seemingly small as it may be that suggests that she may not have my sons best interest in mind are things that I need to archive. 

 

 

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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


lowkeyorca wrote:



My heart aches for you over the cheating and lying. My ex did this a lot, but the final time hurt the worst for me. I had moved back in, was ready to get engaged, and he had already gotten fixated on a new relationship. I ended up getting into his email after someone started emailing me telling me about herself and that he was possibly seeing someone else, too. I said something and he kicked me out of the house, but I do feel good about being able to state my feelings about introducing my daughter to another woman so soon. I think you should make it clear your feelings on that front after you file for joint + primary custody. Come across as the reasonable, responsible parent you are and you will prevail.

 

He didn't respect my wishes on the bringing of my child into his new off and on relationship, but it's all being noted for future petitions.


That's a really crummy situation.  I'm sorry to hear about that.  That's crazy that he'd have you move back in knowing that he was already doing what he was doing.  Talk about raking you over the coals.  Unreal.

 

 

Established Member
Posts: 35
Registered: ‎11-09-2015

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

This thread is TL;DR, but I can say my only serious relationship was exactly like Girlfriend #1. Now I just stick to having random hookups all the time and being single. Much cheaper, less stressful, and tons more fun!

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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

 

Also since they are talking on the phone every day for 1-2 hours, I can deduce that they're not seeing each other as it's nearly 2 hours of travel time to make that happen.  If I see that they don't talk, I can deduce that they ARE with each other.  Again, this pattern may seem as if it isn't my business, but if I get the impression that my son is involved in any of "their time" (ESPECIALLY if she were to bring him 2 hours out of the area to her new guy's place) it could become a problem.  Hopefully that makes sense.  Also, while I certainly hope for the best I'm naturally expecting the worst at this point.  I need to plan for one day being in court with her likley undergoing some custody type battle.  Any evidence I have, as seemingly small as it may be that suggests that she may not have my sons best interest in mind are things that I need to archive. 

 

 


I sincerely hope she cares enough about your son to keep it seperate. It's obnoxious that she is spending hours on the phone during their time, which is certainly not a good sign.


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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

I hear you on that.

 

Now shes trying to plan a trip out of state (like 1200 miles away) next month.  Through text message she asked me if I'd be willing to take our son for a weekend in April so she could go visit some friends in another state.  Mind you these "friends" have never been mentioned during our 6 years together.  Interestingly, a quick look at the phone log shows that she sent me that text message the exact minute she got off of a 1+ hour phone conversation with her new guy.  Planning a trip with your new guy already over a weekend with your son that you only see half the week now?  It amazes me how much she's lying to my face.  It's actually shocking as for 6 years I always viewed her as quite honest.  Her head isn't clear at all these days.  It worries me for my son.  Maybe I should make small talk and ask more about her trip plans... who she's going to see, where she's staying, etc.  just to see how good she is with the lies on the fly.  A day doesn't go by that I'm not just a little more shocked than the day prior.  Scary stuff, actually!

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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

This is precisely how I have felt the last 2 years. He still continues to illustrate to me on a frequent basis that I have no idea who he is at all. 

 

I know it seems counter-intuitive, but agree to give her the time to herself. Keep records of these cases to share with your lawyer. 

 

Not to damage her case in court, but because she's going to be less likely to involve your son if she feels she has the freedom to do whatever it is with the new guy. Smiley Sad


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Registered: ‎06-22-2015

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

[ Edited ]

I'm sorry for what you are having to go through right now, especially since you have a child involved. I'm sure that is very difficult. The consistent theme I am hearing in each of these situations is that you are focusing on what the other person did wrong or incorrectly in the relationship, so that's something to take a look at. There seems to be quite a bit of focus on the other person. I'd suggest doing some deep introspection about what you can change about yourself and bring to relationships as a better person, since we cannot change others and can only change ourselves.

 

Growth and moving forward generally comes from looking internally relative to what we can better about ourselves, not focusing on what others did wrong.

 

I also agree with the others that it's probably best not to go into another relationship right now, and for quite some time. When you are ready to date again one day, perhaps get to know the person for several years before moving to a more serious level. Also not sure why you have lived with each of these people but probably best not to live together in a future relationship. Wishing you and your son the best during a challenging time.



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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

I somewhat disagree about not being able to change others.  I think this is a common misconception... "you can't change someone" or "people don't change."  People change all the time; it's part of life.  No one today is the same person they were 10 years ago.  Some maybe not even 3-5 years ago.  We all grow, learn and evolve based on life experience.  Hopefully for the "better" generally speaking.  The ability to "change others" in my opinion comes in the form of relationship compromise.  It's basically the weighing of different things, how doing it (or not doing it) impacts you and how not doing it (or doing it) impacts your partner.  If something isn't a big deal to me, but it is to her, then by default it is now a big deal to me as well.  I don't have to agree on it, but I have to understand that since it's a big deal to her it's in my best interest to be receptive to that and act accordingly.  Conversely, by acting in this way and compromising in theory I know she'll do the same for me when it comes to things that are a big deal to me but not to her.  My point is that in relationships we are able to change one another through the power of compromise.  Where the problem comes in is when one person is either unwilling or significantly less willing to compromise than the other.  That's my feeling on it anyway.

 

I have no intentions of getting into another serious relationship now or any time soon.  As to your question regarding why I lived with #1, #2 and #3 the answer is simply that it seemed like the right step at the time in the natural progression of those relationships.  I spent YEARS with each of them.  I would think the vast majority of people would be living together if they were together for such an extended period of time.  I feel like if you're not at the level of wanting to live with someone that you've been serious with (exclusive with) for that long, what's the point of being together in the first place?   Why not just casually date whoever if that's the situation.

 

 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 2,999
Registered: ‎08-13-2009

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

If you haven't already, send a smiley face and say you would love to have your son that weekend -- if you can change your work schedule to make it doable.  Smiley Happy

 

Then enjoy your time with your son!  Plan something special.  A pancake breakfast?  A trip to the zoo?  Arts and crafts - like finger painting?   Make chocolate chip cookies together.  

 

Definitely document that you have him an extra few days this month.  Right now it may not make a difference in the big, big picture.  But it may be the start of a pattern.

 

As it's been said before, go the legal route.  Have the child support and the custody agreement in writing and signed by both parties.  

 

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