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THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


IOBA wrote:

If you haven't already, send a smiley face and say you would love to have your son that weekend -- if you can change your work schedule to make it doable.  Smiley Happy

 

Then enjoy your time with your son!  Plan something special.  A pancake breakfast?  A trip to the zoo?  Arts and crafts - like finger painting?   Make chocolate chip cookies together.  

 

 

 


+1000. I like to see this positive focus with moving forward with life in a constructive way and focusing on the child, not focusing on the negatives. Nice job IOBA.



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Message 41 of 101
Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

I agree 100% with both of you.  My focus is completely on my son.  Sure, late at night I do slightly obsess over my failed relationship, but I never lose focus on my little guy.  I'm just pointing out examples of how #3 clearly isn't making him her main focus, which really hurts and makes this situation more difficult on me. 

Message 42 of 101
Valued Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

It actually makes things BETTER for you and your little guy!!!

 

How?  Mommy is too busy with her "friends" and her "travel" to spend time with the little guy.  So, by default, you get to spend more time with the little guy.  And you do more things with the little guy.  And on some deep level, the little guy recognizes and realizes daddy is there for him.  And who will he more comfortable around?  YOU!!  And who will he prefer to spend time with?  YOU!!

 

At the end of the day, daddy (that's you) will be the hero for spending more time with the little guy.

 

He will still want to spend time with his mommy, but in his heart, he's daddy's little boy.  You can't get back these days...so enjoy them while you can.  

 

Don't bad mouth mommy.  Just focus on saying positive things, "Like I am so happy to see!"  and "I am so excited that we have today and tomorrow together! Wooo hooo!!"

Message 43 of 101
Valued Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


IOBA wrote:

It actually makes things BETTER for you and your little guy!!!

 

 


:/

 

This really isn't true. OP is right not to want to take advantage of the situation to get more time with his son, and be concerned that his mother is focusing more on herself during what is certainly a very stressful and confusing time for their son.

 

I like the whole 'be positive' vibe you are going for, but OP needs to remain focused on what is best for his son, and he well knows it's a great relationship with two parents that put his needs first.

 

It can be really difficult for the parent that knows their child is being neglected emotionally to continue to push the other parent into putting the time and effort in, but it is worth it, and will be worth a lot of weight in the future in court, and with their son. 

 

When she asks you to take him on time that is normally hers, encourage her to switch instead of just giving up her time. Remind her it is important that she spend time with your son and that he needs her just as much as he needs you.

 

This sucks big time, but you can do it. Your head is already in the right space, even if hers isn't. You can help keep their relationship afloat until she pulls her head out of her ass.

 

Heart


EX08 659 EQ08 660 TU08 695 Starting: mid 300'sGoal: 700
Message 44 of 101
Established Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Well, I. Life you learn so it's not wasted. You now know you don't want a selfish partner, even under the disguise of a woman that is independent. Heck, if you have no other support, it's a must to survive. #3 is really an older #1. She wants to not pay for stuff but did so until she had a chance not too. I am sorry this happened to you. Take some time for self, you earned it. My spouse always wants to be in the know on our monthly spend and she hoards money. It has good and bad implications. No partner is perfect and the lesson for all is constant communication. I have been OK with telling bad news or hiccups as well. Hell, even apping, she doesn't want balances on cards.
Message 45 of 101
Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

I agree that communication is HUGE.  If you don't verbalize expectations, how can you hold someone accountable to them?

 

I run a business and have 80-90 employees at any given time.  Whenever I fire one of them, it's never a surprise to them.  Why?  Because I've verbalized expectations since Day 1, have followed up on them and have let them know that if they don't deliver they'll be let go.  I would say for hundreds of employees that I've let go over my career, 95% of them knew it was coming.  The other 5% that didn't?  Shame on me, because clearly I didn't communicate with them well enough leading up until that point.  For those relative few, I actually feel bad in the moment and hope to learn something from it to prevent or limit the chance of that happening again going forward.

 

Same thing with relationships.  I think it's completely unfair for someone to bail on a relationship (especially a lengthy one or one that involves children, etc) if they haven't been clear with their communication along the way.  No one wins in these situations.

Message 46 of 101
Regular Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Hang in there BBS.. some great advice in this thread. I let go of my ex a couple months ago. Combo of all 3. Had a huge sense of entitlement. Wanted a home but according to her couldnt contribute with upfront costs. I'm like ok, if we can boost your credit, get rid of some negs maybe we can qualify for one hundred percent  financing. Nope, no interest in that.  Got her a card with Barclay through recon because her credit isnt good. Month later, maxed out. . Bought a new car about a year ago thats way above what she can manage. This one after trading in the new one she just got last year. Made no sense. All while wanthing to go out on a regular basis..Save money? Nah, lets go to a concert or the casino.. No way. I ran away from that and wont ever look back.

Message 47 of 101
Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Yeah, that sounds like a financial disaster waiting to happen and that you made the right choice running for the hills.

 

Slightly off topic here, but I found out today that my ex, #3, has a fairly significant amount of credit card debt.  I'm assuming this debt is something she was hiding from me for some time as I find it unlikely that she took it all on in the last month or so.  Back when we were together I always wanted to go over her credit report with her, get her to at least join CK or something, but she never was interested.  Maybe 6 months ago or so when we were talking debt, she said something to the effect of "I owe about a thousand on one card and maybe five or six hundred on another" which didn't seem too crazy.  Well, I found out today that her CC debt is approaching $12,000 against $13,000 in total CC lines.  7 cards, 5 completely maxed out and the only 2 that aren't are store cards that I'm sure will be on their way to being maxed out. 

 

While this is sad and disappointing, it also validates some of my original thoughts and the thread title here of this relationship failing due to money.  Obviously for the reasons outlined in the several pages of this thread we are aware that money was not the only reason at play for sure... but in learning this new information today it makes it clear to me that it was even more of an issue than I previously thought or knew about.  I mean, if your partner is "hiding" (or not disclosing when talking about it) some $12k in CC debt that constitutes roughly $400/mo in minimum payments alone, IMO that's a problem.  No doubt this problem would have become an even bigger problem down the line for us if we were still together, got married, etc. 

 

Again, off topic of the main discussion here but I thought it was relevant to mention this with respect to #3.

Message 48 of 101
Valued Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

I think moving forward, before you move-in with someone, going over financials has to be a deal-breaker.

 

To me, if they aren't willing to be open and honest, they aren't going to be someone you should get serious with.

 

I don't think past debt is always a deal-breaker, at least not for me, but hiding the debt is definitely a red flag. It seems like, too, that this probably was on-going, too. Hiding the habits, hiding the unwillingness to change those habits.

 

Sharing CK files is definitely going to be my deal-breaker to getting serious. If it's bad, but the person is honest and willing to learn better habits, give them a shot. If they won't show you their credit skeletons in their closet, NOT THE ONE FOR ME.


EX08 659 EQ08 660 TU08 695 Starting: mid 300'sGoal: 700
Message 49 of 101
Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

I agree completely with your perspective above.

 

 

Message 50 of 101