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Established Contributor
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Registered: ‎11-30-2013
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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

lowkeyorca wrote:

The most unfortunate thing about the mother of your child is that her attitude about contributing was circumstancial when you met her, and there's really no way you could have known that.


Very good point and one that I hadn't really considered prior. 

 

To the person that just replied above, this is one of the reasons why what you said often may not even matter.  #3 was able to take care of herself just fine, support herself, pay her own bills etc. for years prior to getting involved with me.  However, due to circumstances (us having a child together) that changed and she changed both in how she viewed finances and how she acted with respect to them.  As was quoted above, I really don't see any way that I could have known that change would happen and it wasn't something I could have really planned on.


How do you know? Ive only read 3 pages of this thread and really all I am seeing from you is excuses and borderline defending her (#3) deplorable behavior. I know she is the mother of your child, that doesnt change the fact she is a piece of feces. People dont become socio-pathic liars/concealers over night. Chances are she was like this when you met her. 

 

This is harsh, like the old saying, you are "Captain Save-a-hoe". That has to stop, love yourself first otherwise you will be an emotional and financial doormat. The only common denominator here is you and the outcome has been pretty much the same. You date these women, break your back finanically to "save them" and the relationship ends. Id suggest finding a financial equal, the only person you should be taking care of is your son, not another GROWN ADULT. Im sorry, im not one of those "the man provides" for another adult? Please, GTFOH with that. 

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Established Contributor
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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

LOTR,

 

Great advice as always.  I agree that harboring what I know and not revealing it is likely my best strategy at this time.  Like you said there are any number of scenarios that could play out once my hand is revealed and I wouldn't want one of those scenarios to somehow adversely impact my son.

 

I agree that since we're broken up at this point that I really have no business knowing everything that she does.  I do however want to know that she has my son's best interest in mind and that's something I certainly question at this point.  While the phone records I still have access to (until she gets off my plan which I hope is soon) don't tell me much, they can help me see her intentions and focus.  For example, when my sequence of 3-4 days is up with my son I drop him off at her place at 4:30 on X day.  Naturally you'd think #3 having missed him for 3-4 days prior would want to spend time with him right away (I know I do!).  His bed time is 7:30 so that leaves 3 hours to spend time with him.  Now, if she makes a phone call to her new guy and talks to him for 1-2 hours, it shows me that she's not focused on my son but rather her guy.  If she waits and makes that call after his bed time, no harm no foul.  It's little things like that which allow me to dig a little deeper into her intentions/focus. 

 

Also since they are talking on the phone every day for 1-2 hours, I can deduce that they're not seeing each other as it's nearly 2 hours of travel time to make that happen.  If I see that they don't talk, I can deduce that they ARE with each other.  Again, this pattern may seem as if it isn't my business, but if I get the impression that my son is involved in any of "their time" (ESPECIALLY if she were to bring him 2 hours out of the area to her new guy's place) it could become a problem.  Hopefully that makes sense.  Also, while I certainly hope for the best I'm naturally expecting the worst at this point.  I need to plan for one day being in court with her likley undergoing some custody type battle.  Any evidence I have, as seemingly small as it may be that suggests that she may not have my sons best interest in mind are things that I need to archive. 

 

 


Let me get this straight. This woman is treating you like absolute poo and youre paying her phone bill? Snooping thru phone records? Dude, this is no way to live, keeping tabs on a two timer who gives not a single, solitary care about you or your son. Enough is enough. Get her off that phone plan, and save the excuse "I need contact with her for my son" Because I would bet dollars to donuts she would get a plan to talk to her new lover if forced.

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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

I hear you on that.

 

Now shes trying to plan a trip out of state (like 1200 miles away) next month.  Through text message she asked me if I'd be willing to take our son for a weekend in April so she could go visit some friends in another state.  Mind you these "friends" have never been mentioned during our 6 years together.  Interestingly, a quick look at the phone log shows that she sent me that text message the exact minute she got off of a 1+ hour phone conversation with her new guy.  Planning a trip with your new guy already over a weekend with your son that you only see half the week now?  It amazes me how much she's lying to my face.  It's actually shocking as for 6 years I always viewed her as quite honest.  Her head isn't clear at all these days.  It worries me for my son.  Maybe I should make small talk and ask more about her trip plans... who she's going to see, where she's staying, etc.  just to see how good she is with the lies on the fly.  A day doesn't go by that I'm not just a little more shocked than the day prior.  Scary stuff, actually!


You are clearly not over this woman. I empathize for you as I tolerated being treated like this by a trash bag of a woman. This woman is toxic and quite frankly I wouldnt want her around any children, much less your own. You teach people how to treat you and she most likely lied for 6 years and at this point figures you are dumb enough to believe anything she says and can you blame her?

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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

I somewhat disagree about not being able to change others.  I think this is a common misconception... "you can't change someone" or "people don't change."  People change all the time; it's part of life.  No one today is the same person they were 10 years ago.  Some maybe not even 3-5 years ago.  We all grow, learn and evolve based on life experience.  Hopefully for the "better" generally speaking.  The ability to "change others" in my opinion comes in the form of relationship compromise.  It's basically the weighing of different things, how doing it (or not doing it) impacts you and how not doing it (or doing it) impacts your partner.  If something isn't a big deal to me, but it is to her, then by default it is now a big deal to me as well.  I don't have to agree on it, but I have to understand that since it's a big deal to her it's in my best interest to be receptive to that and act accordingly.  Conversely, by acting in this way and compromising in theory I know she'll do the same for me when it comes to things that are a big deal to me but not to her.  My point is that in relationships we are able to change one another through the power of compromise.  Where the problem comes in is when one person is either unwilling or significantly less willing to compromise than the other.  That's my feeling on it anyway.

 

I have no intentions of getting into another serious relationship now or any time soon.  As to your question regarding why I lived with #1, #2 and #3 the answer is simply that it seemed like the right step at the time in the natural progression of those relationships.  I spent YEARS with each of them.  I would think the vast majority of people would be living together if they were together for such an extended period of time.  I feel like if you're not at the level of wanting to live with someone that you've been serious with (exclusive with) for that long, what's the point of being together in the first place?   Why not just casually date whoever if that's the situation.

 

 


And yet here is another misconception, compromise. Compromise is a fancy way of saying neither party gets what they want, both settled, and thats how resentment builds. "I did this, but I really didnt want to"

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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


northface28 wrote:



And yet here is another misconception, compromise. Compromise is a fancy way of saying neither party gets what they want, both settled, and thats how resentment builds. "I did this, but I really didnt want to"


I completely disagree with that mindset.  Part of "what you want" in a relationship should be a happy partner.  So, if I can do 85% of "what I want" and have to bend on 15% of it to make her happy, since her being happy is what I want as well am I really giving up much?  And, in bending that 15% or whatever, I know that she is in turn bending 15% as well which is further giving me what I want. 

 

I don't see compromise as a negative thing at all, actually.

Senior Contributor
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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

[ Edited ]

northface28 wrote:

  The only person you should be taking care of is your son, not another GROWN ADULT. 


It doesn't seem that a person (the mother of his child) who completed a master's degree in the last year (as he says) is not working hard at something as you seem to surmise. I'd say that's a heck of a feat while having a young child and while working any number of hours, however small.



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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Agreed.  She did accomplish quite a bit over the last few years for which I was very proud.

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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

So as someone who went through a divorce at a youngish age (28) due to my ex's inability to save/spend appropriately/pay things on time like our mortgage and car payments/max out our credit cards, I understand your pain. I have not read through the entire thread, but this is my piece of advice. Do not let someone, even if they're the mother of your child (and I am saying this AS a mother of a 2 year old) walk all over you financially. A relationship is a 2 way street, this means that everything should be 50/50 including bills. If you notice someone is spending extra, nip that in the bud because it will only get worse. I get that love makes us believe things, but money is the number one relationship killer in my mind. I want my child to see his 2 parent's cohesively working together for his betterment, which includes financial stability. How can my child be stable if one parent is constantly spending money while the other is struggling to save? I came back to work 12 weeks after having my son because he deserves the best. I understand stay at home parents, but the second someone feels entitled is the second that relationship is going to tank. I refuse to allow anyone I am with screw me over financially again. I will expect no less than 50/50 from my partner. I doubt this helped at all and for that I do apologize, I become heated when I see nice individuals are taken advantage of. I wish you all the luck relationship wise in the future, and if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me Smiley Happy I am a counselor after all!



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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

I agree about money being the #1 relationship killer.  That has been my story for the past decade+ anyway. 

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Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

It sounds as if the SO in this situation had different reasons for choosing to end the relationship.



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