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THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Regular Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

**bleep** hard to find someone you are attracted to, whom you are compatable with, whom you love and have the same financial values/habits.

 

So you have to figure out what you can live witth and what you can't live with.  I think this is why so many relationships fail, because learning these limits about ourselves takes time and experience, but we usually jump into relationships too young.

 

Finances have been the single most difficult challenge in my marriage.  Basically, keeping almost all of our finances separate and a heavy dose of patience has saved it. 

 

Edited to add: LOL - I have no idea why I was bleeped.  

Starting FICO 8's (7/2016) EQ 715|| TU 743 || EX 762
Current FICO 8's (9/2017) EQ 755|| TU 768|| EX 775
Goal FICO 8's: 780 across the board
Message 61 of 100
Valued Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

BBS.....My marriage, which led to chapter 7 bankruptcy, taught me a lesson. We had tried several methods of splitting the bills, and I finally thought we had found a method that worked, which had her paying the mortgage of 650 dollars out of her 1100 dollar a month check, and me paying everything else including groceries. What I did not know was she had gotten 3 house payments behind...and hid that fact. After that, I did in fact find a solution, and the money did not cause our breakup. My solution was to put the absolute neccessities in my pay catagory...mortgage, power bill, water bill, groceries, etc. If it was not an absolute necessity...her car payment, phone,cable bill, entertainment, gas in her car, etc., it was her responsibility. If they cut off the cable tv I would have laughed. If they cut off the phone...well people have lived without one. The heat, lights, water, and house, along with the groceries were the things I payed out of my seperate checking account...we also from then on had seperate checking accounts. I did however know that the fact that she was so unconcerned about being 3 house payments behind...she repeatedly lied about it...meant she was probably not planning on staying, which I later found to be true. She actually had a boyfriend of which I was unaware. If I could suggest, in future relationships, you concentrate on providing the needs, and let her provide the wants. Just my 2 cents. For me, I discovered that serious relationships were in themselves, not a need for me, so I stayed happily single.




TU fico08=820 11/10/17
EX fico08=812 10/25/17
EQ fico08=818 10/25/17
Garden since 4/5/2017
Message 62 of 100
Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


humuhumunukunukuapuaa wrote:

It sounds as if the SO in this situation had different reasons for choosing to end the relationship.


Well yeah, naturally.  My constant stress over money and inability to enjoy life or even "us" at all as a result took its toll.  When she would call me and ask me to pick up take-out for dinner on the way home from work and I had to worry about whether or not I'd have enough to pay the bills if I bought that take-out (that's how tight it was) well, that's a problem.  And when I'd walk in with that take-out and she had multiple new materialistic things (clothes, shoes, whatever) on the kitchen island that she was just splurging on without a care in the world, yeah, it bothered me.  I resented her for that and I'm quite sure it impacted my ability to be the loving, caring and connected person I was when we first met.  So those are the reasons I'm sure she'd tell someone that she left me, where obviously I have a very different perspective on it.  I think that's always going to be the case though in a break up.  I think it's extremely rare that both parties are going to agree completely on the ultimate reason for the breakup.

Message 63 of 100
Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Sarge, I hear you on that above.  The dishonesty piece is killer.  Any time someone is hiding something from the other that's a major issue (like financial stuff) it's rarely going to end well.  I think the needs vs wants point you make is valid and in many cases could work.  The problem, however, is when you run into someone that's not willing to contribute at all, so you can't even get them to take on the responsibility of scooping up the wants while the other person handles the needs.

Message 64 of 100
Valued Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

I can't even find anyone to satisfy the attracted to + compatible yet... idk how I'll ever make it to the financial part lol


EX08 659 EQ08 660 TU08 695 Starting: mid 300'sGoal: 700
Message 65 of 100
Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Haha. Perhaps that's a good thing. Single seems to be the new married, IMO.
Message 66 of 100
Established Member

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

LOTR - thank your for sharing your story and shedding some light on the many pitfalls to being in relationships.  As you said, no one is perfect.  I happen to agree with quite a bit of what you said.  IMO, many couples fail because of a lack of communication.  One believes the other is always arguing and complaining, when, in actuality, they just want to discuss what is not going right in the relationship.  Then because both are not on the same accord on what is defined (and or perceived) as communication, silence reigns and nothing gets resolved.  And, at times, we all like to think that, "Oh, it's not me. It must be you that's the problem."  In my current relationship, my spouse doesn't understand that they were taken care of for 16 months when they weren't working and now that they are working (over a year now) need to pull their weight, financially (and other areas as well), they don't see what the problem is when I start to say, "Where is your 50-60% of the monthly bills?"  I get the arguement that, "You spend money anyhow. If you didn't buy X and Y, then Z wouldn't happen."  When X was food (got to eat) and Y were clothes (got to have clothing) for my children (we don't have any together).  Right now, the monthly expenses (I am including my personal expenses as well because said spouse helped me accumulate the debt as they weren't working and couldn't get anything in their name) is around $4,700. Their contribution: $900 (and they think that's too much).  Their take home pay (monthly) from work is $1700--so, doing the math, they keep $800 from their check to do what they like with it.  You definitely have to go into a relationship observing character and not personality.

BK13 Filed: 6/5/2017
341 Mtg: 7/14/17
Plan confirmed: 8/22/17
Starting score: 670 (mid/late 2013)
Married end of 2014, with a starting score of about 620 (spouse could not work .5 of 2015 and a little more than .5 of 2016)
Not enough financial assistance from spouse has landed me with Current Score: 487 (Mar 2017)
end of 2017 Goal Score: 550-600
Message 67 of 100
Established Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

Not sure i believe relationships can be 50/50 unless both parties make the same amount of money. If one party makes $80k and the other makes $40k it is not reasonable for the person making less to foot 50% of the bills.
BK Discharged 9/11

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Message 68 of 100
Senior Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.


northface28 wrote:
Not sure i believe relationships can be 50/50 unless both parties make the same amount of money. If one party makes $80k and the other makes $40k it is not reasonable for the person making less to foot 50% of the bills.

I don't think anyone ever suggested that the person making half as much money in this case should pay 50% of the bills?

 

If you're just taking the financial angle, in this example one person possesses 1/3 of the income and the other person 2/3 of the income (household) so one could say that the first person should take care of 1/3 of the bills to 2/3 for the other. 

 

But, as said above, it's not all about the financial angle.  Things such as housework, caring for a child, etc. while they can't be quantified in terms of dollars can still be factored in as "contributing" toward the relationship responsibilities.

Message 69 of 100
Community Leader
Valued Contributor

Re: THREE failed relationships due to money... unreal.

This is why I love being single Smiley Wink



EQ 679 EXP 700 TU 763
Message 70 of 100