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When I realized I was just a check book..

Regular Contributor

When I realized I was just a check book..

I kept my head in the sand for years when it came to my family (mom & sibs), it seemed like the only time they called was when they needed something always to due with money. I was so desperate to have a family I would never say no. I never expected to be paid back no matter what was promised.

 

The catalyst came when my Mom died. I got the call aprox. 3 hrs after she passed and as I was rushing down to FL, my niece called and said they couldn't bury her until I guaranteed the Funeral Home payment in full because no one else could. I was in so much pain and I agreed. The next day I went there with my brother and gave them my brand new NFCU Visa and paid for everything and of course my sibs said "we will help pay this back".  After the funeral (Aug 15 2014) I came back home and to this day I have not spoken to any of my sibs or their kids, and I have tried so many times but they ignore my attempts.

 

My heart was broken, my credit took a huge hit on UTI and BofA closed 4 CCs soon after, but once I accepted I had been nothing but a checkbook I no longer ached with the loss of family.  My older children (except 15yr old) know what happened, but I told them not to judge and not to let it determine their emotions and most of all to LET IT GO..it's not worth it. I can look myself in the mirror and know I did the right thing by my mother and smile.

"Your past is the doorway to your future"

Dad's words of wisdom

19 REPLIES
Frequent Contributor

Re: When I realized I was just a check book..

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through! It sounds like you have "lived and learned". You've got a great attitude and letting it go is the right thing to do. It's their loss!

Regular Contributor

Re: When I realized I was just a check book..

Thank You. It wasn't easy and I shed alot of tears, but I realized about 18 mos ago that my "family" was gone forever. I don't kick myself over what I did and I'm still paying that CC down but all in all I am much better off and a whole lot happier Smiley Very Happy

"Your past is the doorway to your future"

Dad's words of wisdom

Contributor

Re: When I realized I was just a check book..

Sorry to hear this. It sucks to be surrounded by family who can't manage money or value life insurance. Too late now in this particular situation. I wonder however, what the minimum the funeral home would have done without some sort of guarantee of payment? It varies from funeral home to funeral home, but they deal with broke families with no insurance all the time.
Regular Contributor

Re: When I realized I was just a check book..

I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't agreed. The county she lived in dose not have a "potters field" as far as I knew. I joined the military at a young age and though I was close to my dad I rarely went home on leave. He instilled into me & sibs to be responsible for our actions and that our word was our bond. It didn't take with all of us (lol), but for years after he died I tried to keep that promise I made to him about looking after my mother. I have no regrets anymore, but I think folks should realize that family takes advantage of you faster then a stranger because we tend to love them or forgive them in a desire to "belong".

"Your past is the doorway to your future"

Dad's words of wisdom

Contributor

Re: When I realized I was just a check book..

Thank you for your service. You did right by your mom.
Established Contributor

Re: When I realized I was just a check book..

You did right by your mom. I helped to pay 25% of my grandmother's funeral and still have not been paid back. I just say to myself, I did what was right at the time. My family do not talk to me and I realized the checkbook effect around that time. When I stopped footing the bill for utilities and every emergency known to man, the calls and communication stopped.

My grandmother dealt with this most of her life and made a great living;she spent her retirement taking cared of her lazy adult children. They ran every dime from her accounts and raided her jewelry when she passed(worth many thousands of dollars). This post is very emotional for me .
Regular Contributor

Re: When I realized I was just a check book..

I am so very sorry for what they did to you and your Grandmother, I am sending you a hug.  The hardest thing to do is realize it's not personal..I know most of you will think "Is she HIGH???" but really it's not. I came to that conclusion after much thought and reflection on my life and how I would enable their behavior by saying "yes" when they came with their hands out because they were family and I so desperately wanted to believe I wasn't just a checkbook. I was the bank and they were just getting credit with never any intention of repayment and I for years would "charge off" the money and yet over and over I would "reinstate" their account. When I finally admitted the truth to myself it was so very hard to accept and quite painful. Since then (about 18 mos now), I feel no guilt or sadness, I have accepted what they are and have finally filed their bankruptcy and put them into my "blacklist". It really hurts when you get used/abused, but when it's family its multiplied 100x and a good man (my hubby, god rest his soul) told me years ago "Babe..family is nothing but a word" Smiley Happy

"Your past is the doorway to your future"

Dad's words of wisdom

Established Contributor

Re: When I realized I was just a check book..

You did the right thing by your mother and that is what matters.   We had similar sisituation with DW mother she left $200K to deadbead daughter and $25K split 3 ways to pay  for final situation. The $200K went to the same person who I have posted about before. DW had to guarantee funeral. DW and other relative each paid their parts but not "entitled".  We got stuck paying her part also.  We were surprised to learn 3 months down the road we owed the final 1/3 and DW sister had no intention of paying the final 1/3 and had blown  $200K in 3 months. We just talked chalked it up to doing right by Betty and thats all that matters. 

Established Contributor

Re: When I realized I was just a check book..


nevertooldtolearn wrote:

I am so very sorry for what they did to you and your Grandmother, I am sending you a hug.  The hardest thing to do is realize it's not personal..I know most of you will think "Is she HIGH???" but really it's not. I came to that conclusion after much thought and reflection on my life and how I would enable their behavior by saying "yes" when they came with their hands out because they were family and I so desperately wanted to believe I wasn't just a checkbook. I was the bank and they were just getting credit with never any intention of repayment and I for years would "charge off" the money and yet over and over I would "reinstate" their account. When I finally admitted the truth to myself it was so very hard to accept and quite painful. Since then (about 18 mos now), I feel no guilt or sadness, I have accepted what they are and have finally filed their bankruptcy and put them into my "blacklist". It really hurts when you get used/abused, but when it's family its multiplied 100x and a good man (my hubby, god rest his soul) told me years ago "Babe..family is nothing but a word" Smiley Happy


Thank you nevertooldtolearn for the kind words. Life will throw you curve balls. I still think about my granny and how she held our family together. She had an impact on non family folks as well. I have an older aunt who she saved about 30 years ago by shoring up her finances(non of my business) but acts as if she is self made. Well, karma is a female dog as her children are dowing what she did to my granny(they all stay at home with her and she is retired now). I keep my distance and making sure my kids understand finances and to never luse your credit for anyone!

 

Just stay on the forums: there are lots of experienced folks that have went through all financial ups and downs. I just wish you well in this.