cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

When helping your family goes horribly wrong.

Contributor

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.

That's crazy @StartingOver 10

I guess maybe they felt bad about not paying but I agree it doesn't make sense to just leave when they could've told you they wanted to move. Did they not pay because they couldn't afford to or were they just bad with money?

Message 21 of 31
Moderator

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.


DrPeaceCraft wrote:

That's crazy @StartingOver 10

I guess maybe they felt bad about not paying but I agree it doesn't make sense to just leave when they could've told you they wanted to move. Did they not pay because they couldn't afford to or were they just bad with money?


Bad with money.

 

 

Message 22 of 31
Established Contributor

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.

I won't cosign and don't lend money(give it away). I have had friends who needed help and I have to hunt my money down. I have had several family who will beg and beg and beg for all types of amount. When I never get it back, I Chuck it up as a loss. Heck, I even get talked about when my finances went down. That was the last straw. I would rather spend my money as I wish and not have to deal with users and leeches.
Message 23 of 31
Contributor

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.


Blackswizz750 wrote:
I won't cosign and don't lend money(give it away). I have had friends who needed help and I have to hunt my money down. I have had several family who will beg and beg and beg for all types of amount. When I never get it back, I Chuck it up as a loss. Heck, I even get talked about when my finances went down. That was the last straw. I would rather spend my money as I wish and not have to deal with users and leeches.

I've got a friend that still does this Blackswizz750, gives money to friends and then hunts them down to get it back. Finally he managed to learn his lesson but he's still drying to get money back from one of his old friends. I keep telling him to just take the L and let it go but he's stubborn. 

 

Message 24 of 31
Established Contributor

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.

He has to come to its just a an L and leave that person alone. If he is not willing to sue over, just consider it a loss.

Message 25 of 31
Community Leader
Valued Contributor

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.


DrPeaceCraft wrote:

Dalmus wrote:
That's a rough situation to go through, I'm sure. Sorry that you had to!

If there's one thing I've learned from reading the stories in this particular sub board, it's that helping people financially is not wrong if you have the means to do so, but never give others, even family, access to your money/credit in a way that it doesn't first have to go through you.
Even with no bad intentions, it's just so easy to justify things to themselves in a way they don't feel is abusing your kindness.

I agree 100%, I guess I never really could believe that she'd ever do that but you're right. From her perspective maybe she didn't think she was doing anything wrong, but live and learn I guess, I'm just thankful that it wasn't worse. And that I managed to pay most of it back.


That's so sad when it's one or both of your parents that stick it to you. It's actually because of my fond memories of my parents that I've bailed my sister out over & over again over the years for thousands of dollars. My dad was very frugal and taught me well about personal responsibility & personal financial management. My sister is 9 years younger than I, my mother gave birth to her in her late 40s, so my sister was their "miracle child", the daughter they always wanted, so so they spoiled her rotten. Instead of teaching my sister personal responsibility my dad bailed her out with money over & over. So when he passed away in 1988 my sister decided i was his replacement.

 

My sister has been in a lesbian relationship for over 12 years, and I don't care for her partner at all. I don't care about the gay thing, I'm very socially liberal, between two consenting adults, you do your thing and I'll do mine. I don't like her because she's so pushy and is one of those people that has to use the "f-word" as a substitute for every possible verb, noun, adverb & adjective.

 

So they realized it was too easy for me to say No! to the partner, so it became always my sister who asked me for money. In addition to being terrible at managing money, my sister is also a world class procrastinator, she always waits until a day or two before disaster is about to strike. Several years the mortgage company was days away from for foreclosing, so could I possibly please wire them $3500 today? I'm always leary of being duped by them, I called the mortgage company to verify, and then wire transferred the $$$. A couple of years ago it was property taxes, they said the Sheriff was coming the next day to nail an auction notice on their door. Their county allows online access to property tax records, so I could see they hadn't paid property taxes in 3 years! Another couple grand to bring them current. I told them it was the absolute last time I would help them out, but I always say that.

 

Why do I do it? I think of my mom & dad, how kind, wonderful & supportive they were to me, and I just can't allow their only daughter to become homeless.


Fico 08: 720/721/719 TU/EX/EQ
Message 26 of 31
Contributor

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.

A relative on my DW side found out that I'm not an arm chair quarterback. Whole family cut them off, but tried to guilt trip me into stepping up saying it was our turn to bail them out from the latest financial debacle.

Didn't happen. DW cousin and husband wound up homeless.

I got arsehole of the year award for that one.

There is a positive. They eventually started to change their ways......finally.
Message 27 of 31
Established Contributor

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.

Some people change their ways after rock bottom, others never and end up homeless blaming their family for not spending the last on them yet again. I stop answering the phone for my uncle. He was the biggest horse's a** and just took advantage of every one willing to help. I got fed up when he calls to direct me to bail another member out or he would disown me. I said go ahead clown, not dealing with you has saved me thousands of dollars.
Message 28 of 31
Contributor

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.

I shouldn't have been nosy but I couldn't help it. Due to a mailing mishap some of my mom's mail got sent to me, I texted my dad to ask what they wanted me to do with it since it was from one of her credit card companies. He called to ask me if I knew what it was about so I offered to open it and read it to him. 

To literally no one's surprise it was a letter stating that one of her credit cards had been charged off, he told me to just drive over to their place and give it to them and they'd take care of it. Which I know from previous history means they'll probably just ignore it and hope it will go away.

I don't know why but it disappointed me to see that, maybe because I realized everything I'd done to help her build her credit was now meaningless. I'm certain this isn't the only one, it's just the only one I know about.

Message 29 of 31
Contributor

Re: When helping your family goes horribly wrong.

Thank you so much for all the responses to this post, despite everyone's circumstances it helps to talk about it and realize you're not alone when it comes to dealing with toxic relationships with family.

@DaveInAZ

Your situation breaks my heart but I won't tell you to stop helping your sister. It's your money and you should spend it how you see fit, because you can't take it with you. Lol

If helping your sister means she won't be homeless and you've got the money then by all means do what you can, I would only caution against helping her to the detriment of yourself. What I began to realize in the situation with my parents was that I couldn't really afford to continue to help them without hurting my own finances.

Self perservation maybe the only reason you ever stop, and that's ok. Like I said it's your choice, don't feel ashamed for helping her. Own your decision but do what's best for you.

Message 30 of 31