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When to bring up money

New Contributor

When to bring up money

Greetings!

 

I have been activly working on my credit and getting back into good financial habits after my divorce in 2013. I've dated a couple guys both of which were LOUSY with money and I've realized that I have no patience for someone who cannot manage thier money or has no desire to learn how to manage thier money.

 

In learning this about myself, I wonder at what point do you bring up financial discussions with someone new? My approach has always been I'll figure it out when I figure it out, but that hasn't really worked out. Suggestions?


Starting 4/14: 615 ish across the board
3/10/16 EQ: 670 TU: 682 EX: 667
5/30/16: EQ: 690 TU: 675 EX: 671 GOAL: 715 across the board
Message 1 of 17
16 REPLIES
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: When to bring up money

Only bring up financial discussions with someone you are very serious with and whom you see a long term with. A few clues can be gleaned from spending time with him though during the initial "casual phase".

 

For example, at a restaurant when he places an order as you pretend to think of what you will be ordering, glance over the price of his order on the menu. Doesn't hurt to do soSmiley Wink. If he is always ordering the most expensive meals then that gives you a little clue. Also pay attention to his reactions to when you bring up shopping or anything relating to money.

Message 2 of 17
Frequent Contributor

Re: When to bring up money

Bring up the subject of money when you two start thinking of taking on combined financial responsibilities (i.e. sharing rent, etc...). Do not hitch your finances to anyone who doesn't have control of theirs -- no matter how much you love the person.  Before that, you can get an idea of how they handle money by observing how they spend (or not spend) it. 

 

Message 3 of 17
New Visitor

Re: When to bring up money

Yeah truly said.

Message 4 of 17
Senior Contributor

Re: When to bring up money

I think it's important to know how financially responsible any potential relationship-interests are.  The sooner the better.

 

"Hi, I'm ________.  How are you credit scores?"

 

 

Message 5 of 17
Community Leader
Senior Contributor

Re: When to bring up money


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

I think it's important to know how financially responsible any potential relationship-interests are.  The sooner the better.

 

"Hi, I'm ________.  How are you credit scores?"

 

 


  Yep... date #1 compare CC's and utilization.  I actually agree (might be because my GF is a financial moron).


Message 6 of 17
Established Contributor

Re: When to bring up money


BrutalBodyShots wrote:

I think it's important to know how financially responsible any potential relationship-interests are.  The sooner the better.

 

"Hi, I'm ________.  How are you credit scores?"

 

 


Now that's funny

 



Giving up on the images for now

Stepped out of the garden 10/9/16

Message 7 of 17
Regular Contributor

Re: When to bring up money

When it's casual, I learn a lot from observation, and putting out a few off-handed comments to see how they react to them.

 

If they aren't naturally forthcoming about their spending habits, then I can say things like "Oh there's this awesome theater in Seattle, but I rarely go because it's expensive and I'm saving for ____". If they're careful with their money, they'll often respond with some sort of understanding. If they aren't, they give me a blank look or even say something like "Well I live for the NOW!" or something to that effect.

 

Being low income, it was really interesting to me to date some folks who pitied me for MY financial situation, while they themselves were swimming in debt even with a good job.

 

My bf and I started having talks about money whenever the subject came up. For me, if someone's hesitant to talk about it, that in and of itself is a yellow flag. I'm only compatible with those who are both open and willing to learn on the subject, as I am.

 

Message 8 of 17
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: When to bring up money

I may have a different take than some others who have posted. My daughter divorced her husband because of his lying about finances and that led to other lying. Not to say any or everyone does that. They definitely don't. 

 

That being said, I learned early on to talk about money and how the person I am dating feels about money. When I first started dating my now fiancee, we talked early about how we felt about buying things and saving money, too. We are older and have learned from our past relationships/marriages. It turns out we manage our finances almost the same. It has made our life together so much easier. Imho, the last thing anyone wants to do is fall in love with someone and find they can't make it because of vastly different ideas about money management.

 

 


Daily Drivers: Penfed Platinum Rewards; NFCU GoRewards; Discover; NASA Platinum Cash Rewards. EQ: 763 TU: 737 EX: 787
Message 9 of 17
Regular Contributor

Re: When to bring up money

Funny how we can talk about sex in a blossoming relationship, but not so for financial accumen. Lol.

 

Anyhoo, I say waiting until you're talking about renting or moving in together is too late. What happens when after you've given notice on your respective apartments, you finally ask the right questions and discover your "Mr/Ms Right" is dumb as a box of hair about money management? Wooooo boy, that's gonna be a awkward moment trapped in a car or at the Leasing Office! More so as you burn rubber peeling out of the parking lot, never to accept another text or phone call from him/her again.

 

I think a better is to pay attention from the very first date...even before you accept a date or ask someone out. Just as you've check out his derierre (sp?) or her legs before that first date, check out how he talks about, or avoids talking about money, debt, credit, homeownership, the landlord ("I negotiated a pretty reasonable rate on my lease by..." or "sorry about that dinging from my phone; I have set reminders to notify me when a CC statement comes in or of my ongoing balance".) You get the idea.

 

Little clues are usually already there even in the very beginning, but we've just been conditioned that it's rude to notice them. How does s/he dress in relation to what their job or occupation is? Is he wearing Armani every day, but works as an office clerk and you know for sure he's not a trustfund baby?" Does she dress stylishly, but doesn't show up at every outing in the latest London Fashion Week outfit every single day? She may have her head on straight and be resourceful in rotating her closet.

 

Does s/he always reach for the check, or always let you? Hmmmm. What kind of literature is laying around their abode? "Inc Magazine, Popular Mechanics, Cosmo, Architectural Digest"? It's a conversation starter: "oh, hey you know, I had an Uncle who was crazy about the Consumer Reports but never had a dime to his name."

 

Does s/he invite you over for dinner to give either I you a rest from the expense of eating out? Can s/he never pass up 3 nights a week out with the girls/fellas? Does s/he gamble or shoot off to Vegas or the local Indian casino a bit too often for your liking? Does s/he ever mention saving up for something (tech, clothes, car, furniture). Can you ask them for advice on you 401(k) or topping up retirement accounts towards the end of the year? When you talk about your future dreams, does the other poo-poo them as unattainable or are theirs so stratospheric, and so "without a plan" it makes you wonder if they're living in the real world?

 

Does she pick up the check for everybody and their dog, but ask you for (even a small) loan until payday? Where do you go on dates or outings? 

 

I'm rambling so I'll shut up now. I've not at all been perfect in my past dating life. But I think that's what's given me 20-20 vision looking backward; I can see the signs really were almost already there if I'd only known how not to look away from them. I got it right in the end, though.

 

Your turn!

Message 10 of 17