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Moderator Emeritus
Posts: 7,225
Registered: ‎09-16-2011
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Re: Why doesn't he get it? Venting.

It definately does sound like some sort of mental illness. Have you guys seen the movie a beautiful mind....

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Posts: 423
Registered: ‎09-12-2009
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Re: Why doesn't he get it? Venting.


thankfulheart wrote:


One thing I'm learning from all of this, however, is to teach my 4 daughters to NEVER, EVER tangle up their finances with another person.  I used to be all "married life, joint accounts, OUR money" and I have learned the very hard way that "to each his own" is not at all selfish, but necessary in today's world.


Their are plenty of good men in the world. More that aren't, IMHO, but their are some good ones out there. I've been married to one of the good ones for 17 years. Before that, I had a bad one...very similiar to your Ex, but he only worked 3-4 months out of the year, LOL! But I was a kid then. 

 

I did not let him change who I was. I did not remain bitter because I knew there was someone really good for me out there and he found me. 

 

Please do not teach your daughter's the 'VERY UGLY' lesson that all men are like their dad and should not be trusted just because you ended up with a 'loser' (it happens). And more importantly, don't let your husband's inability to do the right thing make you bitter towards the next man. There is life after a bad marriage and Life is just too short. Period. 

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Registered: ‎07-09-2012
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Re: Why doesn't he get it? Venting.

+10000 I completely agree that is not a good thing to teach children or even believe yourself. Now given there are nasty people and nasty divorces but you can't live with that kind of perspective. I've only been married two years, but even when we were dating we were always equals, no matter what the circumstances were, this forum so far has been making me so edgy about discussing my happiness in my marriage; how my husband and I share every single thing in our life and truly believe in what's yours is mine in any of my posts because of all the negative emotions towards Joint finances. It's sad that so many people have been burned by joint lives...but I am very happy with mine, and will never change it.

Sorry i'm rambling, but just wanted to express a bit of my thoughts!


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Registered: ‎09-12-2009
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Re: Why doesn't he get it? Venting.


HopefulGardner wrote:

+10000 I completely agree that is not a good thing to teach children or even believe yourself. Now given there are nasty people and nasty divorces but you can't live with that kind of perspective. I've only been married two years, but even when we were dating we were always equals, no matter what the circumstances were, this forum so far has been making me so edgy about discussing my happiness in my marriage; how my husband and I share every single thing in our life and truly believe in what's yours is mine in any of my posts because of all the negative emotions towards Joint finances. It's sad that so many people have been burned by joint lives...but I am very happy with mine, and will never change it.

Sorry i'm rambling, but just wanted to express a bit of my thoughts!


+1

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Posts: 123
Registered: ‎07-22-2012
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Re: Why doesn't he get it? Venting.


marty56 wrote:

Please stop being his mom.  Do what is in your and your kid's best interest.  If won't change for his kids, he won't change for you. Do what is in your and your kid's best interest.


Yes, this type of attitude does not do any good to him having a personality disorder either. You are actually hurting him by helping him in this way, to make it short. 

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Posts: 619
Registered: ‎09-26-2011
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Re: Why doesn't he get it? Venting.

OK, so a little update.  He has been paying the bills that are in the joint account and has apparently been managing his personal account on his own.  We were having a financial conversation about his need to purchase a new-to-him vehicle soon, so I told him he needed to consider what he could afford for a monthly payment. 

 

His response: "How am I supposed to know what I can afford every month? I never know when I'm going to get paid, plus winter is coming and I might be off."


My response: cricket, cricket, cricket followed by "welcome to my world until I moved away and got a job"

 

Mean? probably, but oh so true.  The rest of the conversation was like it was finally starting to gain traction in his head that if you don't work, you don't get paid and the bills come every single month regardless of your account balance.

 

I appreciate the "tough love" on this board. It has helped me be more bold rather than tiptoeing around the problem.

 

And, as far as what I'm teaching my girls...they are strong, capable, whole young women who do not NEED anyone else to complete them.  They have a very strong male role model in my own father who more than demonstrates the attributes I hope they look for in a mate (who has been married to my mother for 54 years).  If they find a partner in life, by all means walk side by side, but there is no need to tangle finances along the way.  Yes, there will be some joint purchases, but there should always be a "breakaway" in case the worst happens.

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