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SunriseEarth
Posts: 4,847
Registered: ‎08-12-2013

Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.

OP, I think the bigger issue here is not that he has no pride in your successes, but that he is making no effort to make his own successes.   I've been in situations where I've been supported and where I'm the breadwinner.  In the past, when I was between jobs and being supported by my partner at the time, I took care of the domestic stuff, since it seemed like a practical balance.  It honestly sounds like he's not contributing anything to your household.

 

You cannot reasonably be expected to take care of everything.   That isn't a partnership.   To be quite blunt, that's a parasite-host relationship.  

 

I think you need to have some very serious conversations with your BF.  Perhaps couple's therapy is a possibility.   But, if it seems like nothing will change, you may have to seriously consider if this is a life situation you want to remain in.   I sincerely wish you the best in whatever happens next.   Congrats on your approvals and I hope you see much more success in the future.  


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bdhu2001
Posts: 521
Registered: ‎04-24-2014
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Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.


SunriseEarth wrote:

OP, I think the bigger issue here is not that he has no pride in your successes, but that he is making no effort to make his own successes.   I've been in situations where I've been supported and where I'm the breadwinner.  In the past, when I was between jobs and being supported by my partner at the time, I took care of the domestic stuff, since it seemed like a practical balance.  It honestly sounds like he's not contributing anything to your household.

 

You cannot reasonably be expected to take care of everything.   That isn't a partnership.   To be quite blunt, that's a parasite-host relationship.  

 

I think you need to have some very serious conversations with your BF.  Perhaps couple's therapy is a possibility.   But, if it seems like nothing will change, you may have to seriously consider if this is a life situation you want to remain in.   I sincerely wish you the best in whatever happens next.   Congrats on your approvals and I hope you see much more success in the future.  


+1 If this guy finally gets on his feet, he'll probably dump you. If he resents you and he's not helping out at home, you have a bigger problem.  There doesn't appear to be a practical balance.

 

The way he previously talked down your situation also doesn't bode well. Either there's no love or no respect or both and it started before your current success.  Perhaps couples therapy will work, but do you want a relationship where your partner either looks down on you or resents you. As SunriseEarth stated "parasite-host relationship.

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notfancy
Posts: 3,679
Registered: ‎11-23-2013
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Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.


japakar wrote:

Congrats on the 2 new cards!

 

I had a very hard time not writing what I think you should do on here :smileyhappy:  Women all over the place take so much crap and stay with who they are with for unbelievable and unknown reasons.  There are always other men out there, amazingly ones that can make you happy the rest of your life, not treat you like crap.

 

and I am confused, it takes less than 2 weeks to get a job.  If he has not found a job yet, he either does not want one or has not looked.  You dont need to be a rocket scientist just because you got a degree in it.  You take any job you can to pay the bills until something better opens up, not wait and rack up debt and anguish between a spouse until it happens IF it ever happens.

 

 

Whew, I did not tell you to do anything in there!  Just inuendo! 

 

Congrats again and good luck!


Agreed. More than that, the longer you're unemployed the LESS an employer wants you. Sounds like a catch 22 and it is in  a way, but it's always easier to find a job when you have a job unfortunately.

 

He sounds emotionally immature, and emotionally abusive. I don't think he's jealous or hurt that you got credit so much as he doesn't like seeing you get more and more independent. I know you feel you invested a lot of time, love, energy and years on him, but you're wasting more of your good years if you stay. Also, how will your son or daughter treat women or expect to be treated living in a situation like that where apparently it is "okay" ?

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KoolDev
Posts: 230
Registered: ‎09-26-2013
0

Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.

Wow, GET A JOB OF SOME SORT AND HELP the girl !

 

I hate you are in that situation.

 

After reading this, i looked at my 20 yr old daughter sitting on the couch and told her, you make dang sure your partner pulls his weight with bills and taking care of himself and the household.  She didnt respond, hahaha but i did tell her that i would discuss the whys behind that statement, just dont ask me why when its too late.

 

You are young, where do you see yourself and the both of you in 5, 10 years ?  In the long run, (unless you have the right partner), you have to look out for you.  Personally, i never trusted anyone else to do it or help.  My DW has never done bad with money, but she is disabled now.  If i had leaned on her to help for years, I probably would not be as in as good of shape that i am in financially.

 

Good Luck, make smart decisions !

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RsxWithSlicks
Posts: 33
Registered: ‎12-20-2013
0

Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.

First off..

 

Congrats on the card approvals! And nice credit scores. Good for you!

 

Secondly..

 

There's really no excuse to be a leech on anyone. I've come from a background with no college education, multiple felonies, and have moved away from friends and family to get myself onto the right track during these hard economic times. Sounds like your boyfriend is feeding you excuses, not reasons, on why he can't work or help out.

 

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KittenAttack
Posts: 264
Registered: ‎07-22-2014
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Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.

Thanks for everyones thoughts, I was having a hard time and didn't know what to say or how to respond really. I kinda just needed to marinate with everyones feedback and figure out what I wanted. I need to reread what I wrote in my original post. Maybe I mispoke he has a job at a tavern, which is the same job he has had for about 6 years. He is looking for his out of college job now. His tavern gig doesn't pay enough. He can't keep track of anything and I can really sense his anxiety. He has student loans, is a great guy, just his initial reation to my sucess was a pretty confusing moment honestly...I know he wants to get back on track, so today I just kinda took the initiative and started setting him up with a mint account. I showed him how it keeps track of everything. How he should just auto pay everything to his credit card and then PIF before it cuts, start diluting a few of his mess ups with good stuff. He was VERY receptive, more so than I could have imagined. And I actually remember that feeling when I first started setting up mint for myself, that everything made sense, everything was so easy. 

 

We still have a lot of work to do. 

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gen-specific
Posts: 337
Registered: ‎02-27-2013

Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.

[ Edited ]

KittenAttack wrote:

or at the very least  be a man and take control.


I'm going to go on a limb here and say this is a large factor of you two's problems.

 

The reality is that you two have the exact same struggles unrelated to gender, yet he holds a warped perception of reality that there is pressure on him to distinctly provide (or something) and would try to ignore his inadaquacy than confront them, because pride or whatever

 

You are the breadwinner right now, yet fulfill the role of supportive cheerleader as if life is middle school where its possible for everyone to win.

 

thats not going to work. he knows you are patting him on the back while there is a real market out there that does not find him or his years of education useful. he knows that in your kind of relationship, the failure of a man (or admitting to it) may be considered intolerable. Or - god forbid - you don't consider him a man anymore 

 

There might be nothing to take control of, and maybe you should talk to him about it, about your acceptance of him, modern realities, and what you guys can do about it, because I mean success is relative, its not about one-upping each other

 

I'm 26, and I want to learn from people that have "more" than me, in this game, what decisions they made and stuff, and especially if they are relatable and in my age range.... but just like drugs or a gambling addiction, its destructive if it affects your personal relationships

 

Having debt and being confronted with the futility of paying it off is depressing. An entry level job is not financial freedom. Its years and years (and years) of making minimum payments, having practically no purchasing power, and hoping ABSOLUTELY NOTHTime to talk. The current structure of this economy isn't about "trying hard and being persistent because some employer will see that and hire you - and oh look women can do it too if not better", so maybe this can help you guy's future decision making process.

 

 

glad you were able to begin a discussion about how to manage these things

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mikewillis7
Posts: 104
Registered: ‎08-28-2014
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Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.

If there's any question about him being depressed don't brag about anything in front of him don't bring anything down on him it is not healthy I am sure he is happy for your success and just cannot show it because he's going throughhard times. Heckim happy for your success but especially during hard times it is not the right moment to really be bragging about it and bring it down on him. 

 

Instead,  this may seem corny, but, remind him of all the good stuff he has done all the success and where he has excelled in his life.

 

not saying that you sent this to him, but the worst words you can tell any guy is to man up. 

 

Honestly its just what I think.... Idk what I'm saying. 

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Kenny
Posts: 6,406
Registered: ‎01-15-2009
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Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.


mikemsceo wrote:

If there's any question about him being depressed don't brag about anything in front of him don't bring anything down on him it is not healthy I am sure he is happy for your success and just cannot show it because he's going throughhard times. Heckim happy for your success but especially during hard times it is not the right moment to really be bragging about it and bring it down on him. 

 

Instead,  this may seem corny, but, remind him of all the good stuff he has done all the success and where he has excelled in his life.

 

not saying that you sent this to him, but the worst words you can tell any guy is to man up. 

 

Honestly its just what I think.... Idk what I'm saying. 


They're wanting to share a milestone in their credit journey. A person should be allowed to tell a REAL person that they are happy about something they've done for themselves. It is not for someone to continually cow-tow to their needs/desires. I don't support the bolded sentence at all. It implies that it's the poster's fault that the BF has disdain for their success. 

 

I can understand your suggestion of trying to make him positive, that maybe that would help. I just think the poster sounds like they are over it. Maybe they need to tell some strangers their story so that they may have some form of clarity. I don't think it's demasculating him in any way to say man up. They're trying to say what they've seemingly always wanted to say: grow up.

 

Hope the original poster can come to some sort of resolution to this relationship, because as another poster said.. it certainly isn't healthy for either of them.

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mikewillis7
Posts: 104
Registered: ‎08-28-2014
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Re: my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.


Kenny wrote:

mikemsceo wrote:

If there's any question about him being depressed don't brag about anything in front of him don't bring anything down on him it is not healthy I am sure he is happy for your success and just cannot show it because he's going throughhard times. Heckim happy for your success but especially during hard times it is not the right moment to really be bragging about it and bring it down on him. 

 

Instead,  this may seem corny, but, remind him of all the good stuff he has done all the success and where he has excelled in his life.

 

not saying that you sent this to him, but the worst words you can tell any guy is to man up. 

 

Honestly its just what I think.... Idk what I'm saying. 


They're wanting to share a milestone in their credit journey. A person should be allowed to tell a REAL person that they are happy about something they've done for themselves. It is not for someone to continually cow-tow to their needs/desires. I don't support the bolded sentence at all. It implies that it's the poster's fault that the BF has disdain for their success. 

 

I can understand your suggestion of trying to make him positive, that maybe that would help. I just think the poster sounds like they are over it. Maybe they need to tell some strangers their story so that they may have some form of clarity. I don't think it's demasculating him in any way to say man up. They're trying to say what they've seemingly always wanted to say: grow up.

 

Hope the original poster can come to some sort of resolution to this relationship, because as another poster said.. it certainly isn't healthy for either of them.


True... you should express what you really want to say and i hope the same for the OP.

But.... depression is not something you want to mess with you know what i mean...

 

Had it been envy or jealousy.... then i'd say exactly what i said not to say "Man Up"

 


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